What is it that people say about life and it’s unpredictability? It is a fucking bitch, it hits you when you are not looking. Who wants to live with this kind of uncertainty and anxiety? I sure don’t, seeing what hit me when I was just getting excited and happy, what I thought was a wonderful life and when I believed it was beautiful.
Well, I don’t know how much time had passed because for me everything had come to a standstill. I was sitting in that one place ever since I saw Rahul fall onto the ground.
Everyone around me tried to pick me up but my body had gone into shock and was totally paralysed. I just kept staring into the vacant eyes of the love of my life, I could see my dreams and hopes slip away. The ambulance arrived taking away Rahul’s body but still nothing could help me come to terms with the reality. Even the cops had come and were questioning everyone around still I refused to accept.
By now my parents had also arrived, with force and love 93
they pulled my lifeless body up into a hug. Mom kept crying softly all the while holding me tight talking, trying to get something out of me. Seeing my condition dad started asking around, he spoke to my colleagues trying to find out what had happened and where Rahul was taken. He rushed around in a frenzy because the facts and possibilities had him scared and worried. I know now that he did not want to believe or accept that Rahul who was not only my husband but a son to him, was no more.
He finally spoke to the cops who informed him of Rahul’s instant death and where he had been taken. I don’t know how or from where dad got his strength that day because despite the fact he was shattered he quietly pushed me into the car to take us to the hospital where my Rahul lay waiting. Everything was like a bad dream, nothing seemed to be registering I had lost total connection with the surroundings. I was in a place where Rahul was with me like always and everything was as it should be.
On reaching the hospital my parents took me straight to the morgue because the doctors had already declared Rahul dead. Now even dad who had been controlling himself had started crying, the reality of losing not only a son but a very good friend and companion was hitting him hard. Rahul’s parents were on their way, dad hadcalled them earlier.
Aashi who was on a working trip with her team was informed too and was on her way back. I could imagine the blow it would have been to her. After all Rahul had been her first crush and confidant. Mom held on to me tight, rubbing my arms whispering soft words through her tears as we 94
waited but I had totally disconnected myself (I was in my happy place where I could feel Rahul’s presence).
We had been at the hospital for more than three hours and everyone had cried or said something or expressed some emotion at Rahul’s death. Even though Rahul’s parents were yet to arrive I am sure they too have been mourning his loss, but I was just as dead as Rahul. I just could not accept that he was no more. But after trying to get me to talk or at least respond in some way mom and dad started getting worried. They called for the doctor to help me despite knowing the fact that I was in severe shock.
They examined me and told dad the obvious that I was in severe shock and I have mentally and physical shut down.
For temporary measures they gave me a mild sedative to relax my mind and body in hope of getting me to react and accept my loss when I wake up. But what they did not know nor realised was that I was already very calm but how to tell them this, idiots.
I was fast asleep by the time Rahul’s parents arrived due to which I could not tell nor share the depth of their loss which was as great as mine. While I was unconscious to all that was happening around me I was shifted home to recover. How my parents managed to bring me home is a mystery, but I do know waking up to familiar surroundings was a better than the hospital room. What happened to my Rahul and what was being organised for him neither did I know nor did I ask. When I did open my eyes, I could hear crying and painful screeches around me which made me sick and I could feel the beginning of a panic attack. Not wanting 95
to give in to it because something told me if I did then it would all be over. I covered my head under the pillow and promptly shut everything and everyone out going back to Rahul and our plans.
There was moaning and groaning going on when I woke up again the next morning. Knowing I would have to go out of the room to check on what was happening, I pushed myself to shower. When I entered the sitting room everyone and some people I barely knew were all there. I could see that everyone was in a state of deep shock. There was a lot of talking going on which paused as soon as I entered, they all looked as if I was supposed to say or do something so I just called out-“Good morning moms and dads, regards everyone. Sorry I overslept I don’t know why. Hey and where is Rahul? And how come everyone are gathered here, what’s the occasion for this breakfast gathering?”
I could see everyone looking at me with weird expressions like I had grown two heads but I just stared back blankly. When no one replied I left the room looking for Aashi in hope for answers. I found her in mom and dad’s room, she too has been crying. I could make that out from the redness in her eyes and the blotched face. I ran to her and took her in a tight hug not realising both my moms were at the door too.
“Hey little sis, what happened? When did you get back from your trip? Weren’t you gone for another week, huh?
Nooo, did that stupid boyfriend of yours screw up again? Shit, I am going to have to ask Rahul to kick his ass this time. I 96
know your boyfriend is a little dumb but that is no excuse to keep making you cry and for you to cut short your trip, stupid. Come on wipe your tears and let’s have some tea. Let Rahul come, and we will talk to him about what to do, okay.”
“No, no, I am fine and Dan didn’t not do anything. I am just…” and there she went howling again.
What the heck was going on? Why was everyone so depressed and sad? Why on freaking earth was there such a big gathering in there? I was getting swamped with these questions and developing a headache. I was just about to go to my room when I couldn’t resist asking Aashi.
“Hey Aashi what is going on outside? I mean why are there so many guests here. I seem to be forgetting if we had any celebration planned for today. Though by the look of them it does not seem like a celebration because they all look sad and blotchy like they have been crying. Has someone died or what. And where the hell is Rahul? If everyone is gathered here then I know he would not miss it especially if it is as important as it seems.”
I keep looking at Aashi for an answer, but she just stared back at me stunned and quiet. I turned around to see both the moms too looking at me with stunned looks but with worry and stress in their eyes.
“What the hell is going on? Why is no one answering? Okay forget it I am going to just call Rahul and ask him only. At least he won’t look at me like I am a freak.”