Watching my steps, I grip the tray tightly. I know Reana well, so the contents of the steaming mugs are a superb bribe. If I am wrong, then I have to resign as Ree’s best friend.
If I’m so confident, why do my hands keep threatening to shake?
Pausing, I blink a couple of times to clear my eyes. I spent most of the night thinking; is it any wonder that my eyes are bleary this morning? Balancing the tray on one hand, I knock the door of Ree’s room and wait. Getting no answer, I knock again. Manners are important when making a delicate request.
The door opens.
A pair of red-rimmed, bleary eyes peers out at me from underneath a giant, black bonnet. ‘What?’ Even her voice sounds croaky.
Surprised, I squint. ‘Did you not sleep? You look terrible.’
The door slams in my face but for my quick hand that shoots out to stop it.
Oops.
Swallowing a chuckle, I push the door open and follow her in.
‘Please, go away.’ Limping back to the bed, Reana pulls her coverlet over her head.
I believe I know what the problem is: the workout from last night. I move closer and infuse my voice with as much sympathy as I can manage. ‘Your body hurts, doesn’t it?’
Reana lets out a groan. ‘My entire body aches.’
‘Tsk.’ I tuck my tongue in one cheek. ‘That’s tough. Although, the good thing is your muscles are coming back to life.’
‘I want it to stop now. How do I make it stop?’ She insists petulantly from beneath the sheets.
‘You have to continue doing the workout.’
Reana pushes the coverlet down and raises her head. She blinks one eyelid open while the second stays closed. ‘You knew this was going to happen.’
It isn’t a question.
I nod.
‘I hate you.’
This time, I can’t quite swallow the laugh. ‘I come bearing gifts.’ Lifting one mug, I sit on one side of the bed and push it close to her nose. ‘See?’
Ree’s eyes narrow suspiciously before she reaches out to take the mug. Stiffly, she sits up, leans against the headboard and brings the mug to her mouth.
I count to three in my head. When the moan comes, I do a mental fist-pump.
After taking a sip, and another, she lowers the mug with a sigh. ‘What did you do?’
‘Can’t I simply bring my beautiful best friend hot chocolate in the morning?’
‘Beautiful? A second ago, I looked terrible.’ Ree scoffs before taking another sip. ‘This is superior hot chocolate. And you knocked. I know when I’m being softened up. If you did not do something, you want something.’
Can’t hide stuff from this one.
She takes another sip, groans. ‘While you figure out how to present your case, I want to tell you I’ve been thinking. What we discussed yesterday - is the offer still open?’ Bending over her mug, Ree watches me through her lashes.
‘The adopting-together offer?’
‘Hm.’
‘Yes.’ I reply tentatively.
‘Okay. I thought about it all night. You were right. I want a child too, and I am not holding my breath for Mr. Perfect. So, I’ve decided to join you. Like you said, we’ll both be the parents of the child. We’ll sign the adoption papers, whatever, together. It’ll be easier to get one together than singly anyway, and we can raise him or her together. After all,’ Reana adds, ‘I could do worse than you to raise a child with.’
‘You’ve such a sweet mouth in the morning.’
‘It’s a compliment. How about it?’
Sometimes, a door opens and you only have to pass through it. But, there’s always something … ‘what’s the catch?’ Because I am watching carefully, I see the surprise enter and leave Reana’s eyes like a flash.
Using her mug as a prop, she lifts it for a sip. ‘Who said anything about a catch?’
‘I know you, Reana. Spit it out.’
‘Okay, okay. I really want to do this with you now that I’ve been thinking about it. So … can you give me a year?’
My eyes widen. ‘You want a year?’
Reana sighs, puts down her drink and holds one of my hands in a grip. ‘The adoption process might take that long anyway. Look, I don’t feel ready to be a mum to anyone. I have to get my stuff together. I have things I want to do, and I don’t want to ever feel like my child held me back, you know?’
‘Held you back?’ That makes little sense. ‘What would you do in this year?’
She shrugs. ‘Travel, get my dream car, buy more houses, save money, mentally prepare for a lifetime of child rearing, etc.’
‘You sound as if you haven’t been travelling before. We spent your last birthday in Bali. Three months ago, we were in Kuala Lumpur. We’ll travel some more to anywhere you want. I have more than enough money and properties for all of us, and a child won’t stop you from having a life.’
‘M, you’re not a woman; you can’t understand. Please, I need this. I mean, it’s not like there’s a deadline or anything, right?’
No deadline, but I do want it soon. Also … ‘what if the year runs out and you change your mind?’
‘You know me better than that. Once I give my word, I won’t change my mind, unless you do, or unless either of us met someone.’
For a long moment, I stare at Ree, thinking. Then, ‘we’ll wait a year, with a few adjustments.’
Ree raises her eyebrows. Her face, just softening into a smile, turns sober. ‘Adjustments?’
Sipping, I take my time swallowing. ‘You see, I was thinking all night too and I wanted to tell you this morning that I agree with some of what you said last night especially about the fertility thing. And this change of heart you’ve had is perfect.’
Reana looks blank.
‘I mean, I changed my mind. Instead of adopting a child, we can have our biological child. Together.’
Her forehead bulges. ‘What is this?’
Enjoying her reaction, I flash a wide smile. ‘It’s very easy. I have it all planned. You want to wait a year, we’ll wait. We’ll get married now, and have our child a year from now.’
***
After work, I put my desk surface back in order. Next, I find my way to a restroom close to my prayer room. With an absent glance around, I approve of the gleaming state of the interior as I freshen up and make ablutions for my evening prayers.
There’s a knock on the door of the prayer room.
‘Come in.’
The door pushes inward.
Reana’s head in a flowery scarf pops in around the door. ‘Hi. I thought you might’ve finished praying.’
I nod once.
‘Me too. I’m going to change now. Meet you in the kitchen?’
‘Sure.’
With the thought of the kitchen come hunger pangs. The grumbling stomach lasts only briefly, before the thought that has distracted me all day returns. The thoughts just wouldn’t leave my head.
The implications of my proposition scare me, but the more I think about it, the surer I feel of the decision. I only have to convince Reana to get on board with me, and that’s what I am going to do. Getting up, I fold my prayer rug and return it to its place on the shelf.
Before I even reach the kitchen, aromatic scents assault my nose, reminding me of my lingering hunger. Looking around, tuning my ears for any approaching footsteps, I make a stealthy move to the stove.
Just then, I hear the faint sounds of what must be Ree’s footsteps. ‘Stealing from the pot already?’
‘Not quite.’ I turn around.
Reana’s unpainted mouth is in its customary unmoving pout. Her large, brown eyes contain a little spark as she stands in the doorway watching me. ‘I missed you at lunch.’
‘I missed lunch.’
She nods, moves to where I am by the counter. ‘Avoiding me?’
I shift to face her. Something tightens in my belly at her closeness. This is a new feeling that is quickly becoming familiar when it comes to Ree. My eyes search hers.
Why are her eyes blank? Why can’t I tell what she’s thinking?
My voice lowers by itself, ‘you kicked me out of your room this morning, remember?’
‘I did.’ Ree nods once. She sounds normal, unaffected. ‘Maybe I overreacted. We’ll eat now and talk.’
She proceeds to dish out Pounded Yam portions for both of us.
Grape juice! Feeling rather grateful to Reana and to Nana, I pull out a chair for her. At the same time, I am wondering what’s going on in Reana’s head.
‘I agree to your terms.’
It takes a second to penetrate my mind. ‘Wait, really?’
‘Don’t get excited, we have a few details to fight over.’
Even though her voice sounds bland, I recognize the buried excitement.
‘I knew it! You are just as crazy as I am.’
‘Hey!’ Reana gives a mock frown.
I grab Reana in a tight hug and lift her with a spin.
Her arms go around my neck. She lowers her cheek on top of my head with a light laugh. ‘Okay. You can put me down now.’
I put her down.
I’ve held Reana this way several times before. But for the first time ever, I feel something. From the point at the back of my head where Ree’s hands are, electric current sizzles, shooting straight to the soles of my feet.
From her casual demeanor, Ree feels nothing different.
It must be just me. That’s just as well.
Taking a seat, I try to compose myself. After swallowing a bolus or two, I get myself under control.
Sipping her juice, Reana speaks in a casual tone. ‘It’s been three weeks since you broke up with Lola.’
I nod, wondering what’s on her mind.
‘And all in that time frame, you’ve decided you want a child with me: someone whom you’ve arguably never thought of as a woman before.’ At this point, Reana gazes straight into my eyes. ‘Or should I say you never saw me as a woman before that weekend?’
‘Where are you going with this, Reana?’
‘It’s because of the period thing, isn’t it?’
No one can accuse Ree of being slow, that’s for sure. I sip some juice, stalling. ‘What do you mean?’
She smiles. ‘I think you know what I mean, Misbah. ‘Tell me the truth. You got the idea for this whole scheme because you learnt about my period. It was the catalyst, so to speak, for you to see my potential in this matter.’
‘No, not the whole thing.’ Realising what I’ve just admitted, I release a sigh. ‘It’s not like that, Ree. It’s not as if I’m trying to - I’m not thinking of you as …’
Why can’t I get the words out?
Ree gives a slow nod. ‘That’s what I thought. I knew you wouldn’t leave it alone. I just didn’t know it would lead to’ she waves a hand, ‘all this. I’m not angry, don’t worry. I just wanted to confirm.’ She resumes eating.
While I eat, I rack my brain for what to say to Reana. How do I explain that I am not trying to take advantage of her or deceive her? Somehow, the words escape me. I observe her discreetly, and she truly does not look angry. So maybe she really doesn’t mind. After thinking throughout the meal and coming up empty, I move on to other thoughts. ‘Quick question.’
Reana looks up.
‘This morning when I brought up the idea of having our own child, you called me crazy. What made you change your mind?’
She shrugs. ‘You said it yourself. I am just as crazy as you are.’
This makes me laugh. ‘Seriously.’
‘Seriously, I don’t know. I want you to be happy, M.’
‘I appreciate the sentiment.’ After a short pause, I go on. ‘So, you are agreeing to marry me and have a whole life with me because you want to make me happy?’
‘Let’s just say I am saving you from the evil clutches of witches out there.’ Ree laughs and then sighs. The flippant voice becomes serious, unsure. ‘Honestly, I don’t know. I wish I did. I guess I thought we could take this journey together, like we do everything else.’
Reana’s words and something in her eyes make my heart beat faster. I don’t understand the feeling. ‘That’s really … something. Thank you. It means a lot to me. I can’t tell you … how much …’
Ree dimples. ‘I know, M.’
I take a breath. ‘You know, when I first thought of this … scheme, it bothered me to think about us being intimate. Actually, it was a little nauseating before I got used to the idea. I thought it would bother you. I’m surprised it does not.’
‘Okay, a few things.’
Here we go.
‘Shoot.’
‘One, I have a good guess on why you insist on a marriage. It’s most likely because of the child. I’m agreeing to it. But, since it’s a marriage of convenience, we have to leave the door open and be honest with each other. If I meet someone, I’m free to go with them. Same goes for you. You have to agree to that.’
I nod, ‘go on.’
‘Okay. Regarding the conception …’
‘Yes?’
‘Misbah, you know we could be married and still adopt. We could use AI or IVF. I could be your surrogate. It’s unconventional, I know, but so is what we’re trying to do here. No one needs to know abou-’
‘Reana.’ Holding up a hand, I take a deep breath, reminding myself to keep my voice low and calm. ‘One, the deal was a biological child not an adopted one. Two, I am not conceiving our baby in a test-tube and I am not using you as an incubator.’
She rolls her eyes. ‘You would not be. These are viable options and I don’t-’
I shake my head. ‘You aren’t listening to me, Reana.’
‘You really do not need to shout, Misbah. I can hear you just fine from here.’ Ree’s words come out spaced. She places a hand on her forehead as if she’s beginning to get a headache.
Join the club.
‘I was not shouting,’ I protest from between clenched teeth. ‘You know I never shout.’ I take a breath. ‘Look, like I said, I understand how you feel. It wasn’t easy for me to get around the intimacy part either. If you want, I can give you pointers on how to think about it.’
Reana remains silent.
‘Reana?’ I prod.
‘What?’
‘Are you - do you find me repulsive?’
Reana’s big eyes become as wide as saucers. Her reaction settles a growing terror within me. ‘No!’ She replies in a low voice filled with shock, as she spreads her palms on the table surface.
‘Good.’ I nod, concealing my relief. ‘Then we’re fine.’
Reana shakes her head. ‘Listen to me, Misbah. What you are suggesting is impossible … and abnormal. It has nothing to do with how attractive you may be.’
‘What is abnormal about us having a baby like normal people?’
Reana raises her hands and drops them in a show of frustration. She speaks slowly to enunciate each word. ‘It is abnormal to consider sleeping with your best friend, Misbah. It is almost incestuous.’
‘It is not incest. We aren’t closely related.’
‘I’m not saying it is. I’m saying it is like incest. It certainly feels that way.’
‘The point is that it isn’t and if you let yourself, you can feel differently.’
‘Whatever.’ Ree rises. ‘I will not sleep with you - God, I cannot believe I am even saying these words. We’ll have our baby some other way, or we’ll go back to the original adoption plan.’ She picks up her half-eaten plate and glass.
‘Where are you going?’
‘I am going elsewhere so that I can eat in peace. Goodness! We aren’t even married yet and you’re driving me crazy already.’ Turning on her heels, Ree walks out of the kitchen, muttering, ‘must be an omen or something.’
‘Remember, Reana. Workout is in one hour.’
Silence is the only response.
Reana is bothered by the idea of us being intimate but I’m not worried. She’ll get used to it with time. I’m certain of this.
I got used to it, didn’t I? In fact, more than that, I’m starting to feel a certain type of attraction to Reana. I’m sure she’ll get there too, even if I have to convince her of it. Of course, if I had my way, I would hurry along the process for her.
One way or another, we will finish this discussion.