I stared off as I heard those the words echo in my head.
“Josephine, your test result came back and you have cancer.” The doctor said.
I glanced towards the window and took a deep breath.
“It’s not a death sentence, we can aggressively fight this and you can live a long cancer free life.” The doctor added.
I think I nodded my head in agreement but I’m not really sure. A total numbness overcame me.
I smiled and began dressing as my doctor explained what we would do next to "fix this" like she said.
My mind blocked out much of what she said because it was trying to comprehend my diagnosis.
I just knew I was about to have the greatest fight of my life.
“I will make arrangements to start treatment a.s.a.p. The front desk will have info for you, ok?” She continued.
I nodded again as I grabbed my purse.
“You can do this. You are a strong woman” The doctor reinforced.
I slowly walked towards the reception desk to get my next appointment date then I seemed to float towards the elevator.
“Is this what shock felt like?” I thought to myself.
It all felt make-believe.
I began walking; I don’t know where I was going. I just walked, and walked, and walked.
In no time I was in the downtown shopping area.
Everyone looked so happy to be shopping for the holidays, and then there was me.
Just standing right in the middle.
While shoppers zoomed past me like I wasn’t even there.
Just frozen, wondering, would I even be here for the holidays?
As I glanced up, I smiled when I realized I was standing in front of the wish tree.
“Really? What are the chances?” I said to myself as I stared all the way up to the top of this enormous tree.
“Make your wish here.” The sign read.
“Hmmm? I wish to experience true love before I go. I mean if I go, either way, go or stay, that’s my wish.” I said with my hands clenched together and my eyes closed.
I slowly opened my eyes as the lights on the tree twinkled.
"Wow, that's a great effect! Maybe it's working on my wish." I said with a giggle as I marveled at the tree.
I looked around and began walking again.
“What am I doing here?” I said unsurely.
I took a deep breath and hailed a taxi.
“Yeouido Park Centre," I said as I entered the taxi.
I looked out the window quietly as I rode home.
It’s funny how life comes into perspective when you get news like this. But like the doctor said I wasn’t handed a death sentence, just a small detour in my life.
So why was I suddenly feeling total hopelessness? In one second I went from a strong independent woman to orphaned baby bunny in the forest.
As I arrived home, my roommate Charlie was sitting in the lobby reading.
“What are you doing here? Are you stalking that hot concierge again?” I asked with a smile.
“OMG! NO! I forgot my key again and that attendant will not let me in. He acts like he’s never seen me here before.”
Charlie replied frustrated and pointing at the front desk clerk.
“How long have you been here waiting?” I questioned as we walked towards the elevator.
"Oh about an hour," Charlie replied.
Our attention was drawn to the television in the lobby. We both stopped and looked at the lighting of the wish tree.
“OMG! I was just there.” I thought.
“Look it’s your baby, Myeon. He’s about to perform. His angel voice is perfect for this song.” Charlie admired.
“Look at him in that grey tweed suit, oh that voice.” I swooned.
We stood there and just watched. Charlie really just watched. I was fangirling internally.
“So where were you coming from?” Charlie asked.
"I had a doctors' appointment today," I replied with a cheery tone.
“I hope everything is good with you," Charlie responded.
"All is peachy," I replied with a smile.
That was all I can really say because I really didn’t know how to tell her the truth.
"Well I just came to change; I'm going to the gym," Charlie informed as we both walked into the apartment.
“Oh ok. I’m going to shower and relax for a bit. Don’t forget your keys.” I replied as I dropped my purse on the floor and walked into the bedroom.
I usually kept my curtains drawn but today the sky looked magnificent.
"Wow! Look at that sunset. Beautiful" I said as I glanced out our 11-floor apartment window.
"See you later JoJo," Charlie yelled through the door.
“Yeah later! Be careful. And don’t forget.” I yelled back.
“Yeah, yeah my keys got them. Bye.” Charlie interrupted.
As I undressed, I looked at my face in the mirror. I then lowered my vision to my breasts. I gently felt around but I felt nothing.
“Could it have been a mistake? They look normal to me.” I thought to myself.
Just as I got in the shower, it hit me. I began to sob uncontrollably.
“What am I going to do? This isn’t fair! Why me?” I said as I cried.
I sat with the shower water hitting my head for over an hour. I felt angry. I felt sad. I felt defeated. I felt hopeless. So many thoughts came and went but one stayed and kept repeating itself.
“JoJo, if you fight, you can beat this!”
As I got out and dried myself off. I looked in the mirror again and said out loud “I WILL fight this!”
Suddenly I hear tapping on the door.
.
“You ok in there, bae?” Charlie said as she returned from the gym.
“Mhm. I’m coming out now. Hey if you have a sec, can we talk?” I replied.
“Oh yeah, I’m too sweating just let me wash up and I'll be out a.s.a.p," Charlie answered.
We smiled at each other as we passed each other in the doorway.
“Hey, are you sure you are ok?” Charlie said.
I nodded yes, smiled and walked into my bedroom.
"I'll be right out," Charlie assured.
I sat wrapped in my towel with a million thoughts going through my head. How do I tell my best friend what’s going on? I don’t want to worry her but I’m so scared and she is all I have.
After a few minutes, Charlie comes out towel drying her hair.
“Ok, what’s up bae? You seem worried.” She asks.
I took a deep breath and then I began to stutter.
“JoJo, Are you ok? What’s up? You are scaring me.” Charlie asked concerned.
"I have breast cancer," I said in a quiet voice.
“What?” She replied.
"I have breast cancer," I repeated.
Charlie sat there in silence for a second.
“How? I mean. Oh my goodness!” Charlie stuttered.
I smiled to hide my tears.
"Oh, JoJo.” She said as she hugged me.
“You are going to be ok, right?” She added.
"I hope to be," I whispered.
“What do you mean you hope to be, you will be! We will fight this.” Charlie added.
She got up and began pacing.
“What happens now?” Charlie added.
"The doctor has scheduled me for surgery," I replied.
“Ok, ok. When?” Charlie replied as she looks at her calendar on her cell phone.
“Next week. I’m having a lumpectomy.” I mumbled.
“A what?” Charlie said concerned.
“A lumpectomy is the removal of only the tumor and a small amount of surrounding tissue," I explained.
Charlie nodded with interest.
“Then I will have radiotherapy. Then the doctor said we’ll play it by ear.” I added.
“Ok. I will call off work to be with you.” Charlie said quickly.
“No, no it’s not necessary.” I countered.
“JoJo, I’m going to help you through this whether you like it or not. So shut up and take it.” Charlie said as she hugged me.
A week had never gone by so fast before.
As I prepared for the surgery, my nerves were on point. The research I had done just made me even more nervous. I spent days listening to a lot of music to find what could calm me for my surgery. Only one person’s music did the trick for me.
And that was Myeon.
His voice had such a tranquil disposition on my soul.
Once his music began to play I could feel all my worries melt away.
Charlie sat on my bed and watched while I packed for my surgery.
“You need to pack this? A girls’ best friend.” Charlie said as she handed me a wrapped cinnamon bun.
“Everyone needs some cinnamon buns in their life every now and then. They bring happiness, trust me.” She joked.
I smiled, grabbed the cinnamon roll and packed it.
“Why are you packing that?” Charlie said as I packed my Myeon plushy and photo cards.
“I know it sounds childish but it really does bring me some comfort. I like to have him near, his smile gives me peace. Plus he smells like peaches.” I said with a giggle.
She nodded her head and laughed as I cuddled and sniffed the plushy.
I smiled back and tried to look courageous but I was terrified. I didn’t want to show her how scared I truly was but I know she felt it.
On the morning of my surgery, I tried to meditate but my mind wasn’t calm.
What if something goes wrong?
What if I don’t make it?
These became the thoughts of my day. I sat by the window looking out trying to soak in as much beauty as I could as if I wasn’t coming back.
“You ok?” Charlie said as she came into my room to give me her “everything will be ok” speech.
"Yeah, I'm as good as I'll ever be," I replied with a smile.
"Well I was coming in to give you that power speech and cheer you on but I feel this would be good just as it is," Charlie said as she handed me an envelope.
“Oh Charlie, not a sobby card," I said with a sad tone.
"No, you dork, open it!" Charlie said excitedly.
I smiled and slowly tore into the envelope. Charlie had the biggest smile ever.
“Oh my, are these tickets to see…” I said in delight.
“Yes, to see Myeon.” Charlie interrupted.
I ran over and gave her a hug.
“It’s an incentive; you have to come out of this because your baby is waiting to put on a show for you," Charlie added.
I smiled and hugged the tickets.
All the way to the hospital, I dreamt of that concert. I don’t even remember entering the hospital. In a matter of seconds, I was in a pink gown and preparing to have surgery.
I looked down nervously as the nurse prepared my I.V.
Again those dreadful thoughts entered my head. Charlie noticed and came over to hug me.
“Remember our deal? You come out of this and you get to see Myeon.” She whispered with a smile.
“You know I will. Anything for him.” I said with a smile.
“Here, take your baby.” She said as she handed my plushy.
Suddenly she took him back and said to him “Take care of our girl.”
I was in heaven for that moment again. But that quickly disappeared as the nurse came in to get me.
“Are you ready to go?” She said as she helped me onto the wheelchair.
"Yes," I said quietly as I looked over at Charlie for approval.
“I’m not sure you can take this with you.” The nurse said about my plushy.
“She has too. She needs him there. He’s wearing a mask, no germs. See?” Charlie added as she put a face mask on my Myeon plushy.
“Ok, Sure.” The nurse said with a giggle.
"See you in a little while," Charlie said as she got up to give me another hug.
“And… Don’t forget.” Charlie said playfully
"Yes, Myeon," I said with a giggle.
I looked around as the nurse wheeled me down the long hallway.
“This is routine, you know. You are going to be perfectly fine. The doctors do this every day.” The nurse assured me she pushed me down the hall.
"Yes, I know but," I replied.
“But nothing, trust us, you’ll be fine.” The nurse reassured.
As we arrived at an awaiting operating room. I heard screams coming from far down the hall.
“OMG! What was that?” Startled I asked the nurse.
“Oh there’s a small concert going on in the Children’s ward and I guess they really liked the guest.” The nurse said with a smile.
I smiled and squeezed my plushy.
I had never felt a room be so cold and sad.
Immediately that feeling came to me again, totally numb, from head to toe.
“Come on Josephine, I’ll help you onto the bed.” The nurse said
Now staring at the ceiling all I could do was pray.
It is scary when you are being prepared for surgery, the bright lights, the beeping machines, the cold room and the somber faces of the doctors.
I was startled out of my thought by a gentleman in a mask who suddenly appears next to me.
“Hi Josephine, I’m going to help you go into dreamland, ok? We have some music from the children’s ward concert playing overhead, I hope you enjoy that music. Concentrate on that for a bit. You are going to feel a bit cold.” said the anesthesiologist.
I raised my brows and smile as my ears began to tune into the music playing.
“Wait! That’s Myeon. Is he here? Can’t be. I’m already tripping.” I said to myself.
"Ok, Can you start counting backward from 100 for me?" The anesthesiologist added.
I closed my eyes and began counting.
"100, 99, 98, 97, 96, 9," I said as I began to feel drowsy.
The last thing I heard was Myeon's voice singing
“I thank you
항상 (hangsang/always)You Babe
겨울이 좀 더 특별한 이유 (gyeouri jom deo teukbyeolhan iyu/The reason my winters are that much more special) in the background.
Charlie sat in the room reading. She was startled by a loud commotion right outside the door.
“What the heck is going on?” She said as she approached and opened the door to a bunch of little girls hugging on a man.
“Excuse me, isn’t this a quiet zone?” Charlie said with an attitude as the man turned towards her.
“Oh Wow! No freaken way! It can’t be?” Charlie murmured.
“Excuse me, excuse me.” She said to get his attention.
“I’m so sorry, we’ll be quieter.” He replied as he motioned to the girls to lower their voices.
"Oh no, that's fine! Hey, wait a minute. Can I get your autograph for my best friend, she's in surgery right now and I'm sure she will love to wake up to it." Charlie explained as she searched in her purse for a pen and paper.
“Sure, no problem. What is her name?” Myeon asked as his assistant handed him a cd.
“Her name is Josephine, but we call her, I mean I call her JoJo. You can call her that too. OMG! She’ll love it!” Charlie said with a nervous tone in her voice.
Myeon smiled and handed Charlie the signed cd.
“Oh my, thank you so much! JoJo is going to shit, I mean she will be so happy, sorry." Charlie said as she looked at the cd.
"Give JoJo my good wishes please," Myeon said softly.
"Yes, of course, thank you so much. You don't even know how happy she will be by this." Charlie replied.
Myeon smiled as Charlie flashed her phone in his face to get a picture for Josephine.
“Well, I’m doing a small concert in the cafeteria, you can join us if you’d like. Maybe record it for your friend? That’s where we are headed right now.” Myeon said as he began to lead the girls towards the cafeteria.
“Shit! That would be perfect! Thank you! I’ll be there. Man JoJo, I wish you were here right now. You’d literally die.” Charlie said excitedly as she grabbed her bag and phone then followed them.
Charlie stopped at the nurse’s desk for a second on her way out.
“Excuse me. How long before Josephine from room 522 comes out of surgery?” She asked the nurse.
“I don’t want her to come out of it and me not be there, you know," Charlie added.
"Oh, it'll be a bit. Maybe 30 to 45 minutes. You have enough time to go have lunch.” The nurse replied.
“Ok great, thanks! If anything, please come get me at the cafeteria.” Charlie instructed.
The nurse nodded with a smile.
“No problem. Enjoy your lunch.” The nurse replied.
Charlie ran down the hall to catch up. She was amazed as she entered the cafeteria. The staff had made it look like a small jazz club.
“Oh man, this is too cute! JoJo would love this.” Charlie said to herself as she snapped pictures.
“Awww, it looks just like the “The Crystal Kiss Jazz Club”, JoJo favorite place. I wish JoJo was here.” Charlie added.
Minutes passed or maybe hours, who knows?
But then I heard nothing, no music, no machines, nothing. Was it over already?
Was I dead?
Wow! That was super quick.
I felt myself get up and begin to walk.
“You ready girl? Tonight is our night.” Charlie said as she passed me in the hallway at home.
I was home so all must have gone well.
“Wear the slinky black dress, it will go great with your pink hair," Charlie suggested.
I nodded and began to get ready. I glanced at the tickets.
“The Crystal Kiss Jazz Club, I’m so excited! It was so beautiful and only the greats performed there.” I thought to myself.
In a flash, we were there.
I laughed as we walked in because a while ago I had told her this was where I would experience true love. It was a running joke between us because it never happened. Little did I know Charlie had an agenda with this visit to the club.
“Are you excited?” Charlie said excitedly.
“Am I what? I’m passed excited.” I said with a laugh.
“Let’s sit here, so we can see him real good," Charlie added.
"Oh my goodness yes," I replied excitedly.
We ordered a drink and submerged ourselves into this beautiful atmosphere.
"This place is gorgeous," Charlie said mesmerized.
"Yes, very romantic," I mumbled.
We both giggled.
“Why was I so nervous? It’s just a concert” I asked myself.
Just then the lights began to dim. Charlie and I stared hypnotized.
The stage remained dark but his voice was so recognizable.
I looked over to Charlie and mouthed “Myeon” with a swoon.
She smiled and mouthed back, “Your gift.”
I was in heaven. He was my all-time favorite singer.
His voice was so smooth and peaceful.
I stared in awe as the spotlight began caressing his body perfectly.
He would now and then glance into the audience and smile as he sang. His eyes were spellbinding. And his smile, I don’t even know what to say. He was so dreamy.
That voice, there was no describing it. Angels from heaven would be the closest thing.
It was just simply beautiful.
As the show came to an end, I just watched him with this dreamy fangirly smile. I don’t think I blinked the whole time.
Suddenly he walks off stage and directly towards our table. I looked over at Charlie, who had a very devious look on her face.
“Hey Myeon.” Charlie greeted with a smirk.
I looked like a deer in headlights. Bug-eyed and jaw hanging open.
“Hello Charlie, how are you?” Myeon replied.
“Good, very good. This is my friend, JoJo, the one I told you about.” She said pointing at me.
"Hi," I said in the shyest voice possible.
“Hello, nice to meet you. I’m happy to see you are better.” He said as he shook my hand.
“JoJo has been a fan since your young years as a trainee.” Charlie gloated.
“Oh really, that’s a long time. Thank you for hanging in there for me.” He said as he bowed at me.
I smiled and nodded my head. Then looked over at Charlie with a death stare.
He looked around then back at us.
"Hey, if it's ok with you girls, may I hang out with you until my next show?” Myeon asked.
“Of course.” I blurted out.
“Awesome! Thanks, let me greet a few people and I’ll be back. Yes?” He said with a smile.
We both nodded yes. I looked over at Charlie with a huge smile.
“How do you know him?” I asked with a jealous tone.
“I met him when I got the signed cd for you," Charlie replied with a laugh.
“OMG! Thank you for throwing me under the bus with my scary obsession for him too.” I added.
“Oh come on, you are a fan, he knows it plus you know you wouldn’t mind being under that bus.” She said jokingly.