Nonexistent
The next three days are a blur. Besides crying and sleeping, I don’t do much of anything. Hunter feeds me between naps and sobs. I’m unsure about him. I mean, after all these years, what does he want from me? What is his ulterior motive? Hunter Knight and I were best friends since I was six and he was seven, but when we reached high school everything changed. It was like I became this slimy grotesque creature with eight legs.
We quit hanging out. He never stopped to say hello. He didn’t even look my way whenever we were in the same space. He completely cut me out of his life without giving me any kind of warning or explanation. There were many times where I’d walk up to him at school and he’d be at his locker. I’d stand in front of him, nervous and sweaty, unsure about what to say and he’d ignore me entirely, like I was invisible.
I wish I were invisible because the rumors started shortly after. Everyone thought I was this deranged stalker, madly obsessed about Hunter Knight. I would’ve been okay with that, but hearing him not fend off or care about the rumors hurt in a different way; to grasp and acknowledge the fact that Hunter didn’t care about me at all was more painful to actually witness. I still remember it as clear as day.
***
Isabel age fifteen
Hunter age sixteen
It’s the end of our freshmen year and I’m in the girls’ restroom at Cherry High, hiding until lunch period is over. The girls’ bathrooms are the best place to get absolute privacy. I would know; that’s where I hide every day at lunch to escape everybody and everything. Hunter, Max, Jake, and Falcon all rush into the bathroom, unaware I’m in the last stall reading It by Steven King.
Flooded by a wave of panic, I can’t distinguish the voices from one another. After my heart rate slows and my breaths even, I peer out the tiny sliver of an opening where the corners of the stalls meet and start to listen intently. They are all huddled in a semicircle and talking about the girls they’re having sex with, until Max brings up my name. “So what’s up with Isabel?”
“Yeah? She’s the quiet nerdy type,” Jake adds.
“Except nerds don’t look like exotic Victoria Secret models,” Falcon interjects. “Mexican, black and white makes a good mix.”
Hunter scuffs. He’s either amused or annoyed. I can’t tell which.
“Easy Falcon, that’s Hunter’s girl. He has first dibs,” Max teases. “Just know I’m next in line. Sloppy seconds aren’t too bad.”
“I don’t even know why we’re talking about this shit. She doesn’t exist for me and she shouldn’t exist for none of you either. The next time any one of you fuckers say her name, I’ll fucking lose it. I’m not kidding,” Hunter growls.
The sudden fierce ache in my chest makes me wince. I drop my book, sinking to my knees, staring at the dirty blue tile floor beneath them. The pain that strikes me is so strong; it feels like every facet of my being is being ripped apart.
He’s killing me and he doesn’t even care.
“So she’s nothing? You’re giving me your blessing to fuck your nerdy, pretty nonexistent girlfriend? ”Max taunts, laughing.
I hear Hunter grunt and then a horrible crunching noise afterwards.
“FUCK!” Max yells.
“Bro, I think you broke his fucking nose,” Jake shrieks.
Leaning forward, I press my forehead to the small opening and continue to watch.
“It’s broken alright,” chuckles Falcon.
Max holds his nose with both hands. His nose is leaking a bloody river that flows over his lips. “Fuck you, Hunter, and fuck you, too, Falcon. You’re both dead to me,” Max mutters angrily before storming out the door.
Jake follows, shaking his head.
This is not good, Max is a junior and he’s already the captain of the varsity football team. Hunter, Falcon, and Jake are all still freshman, but they are on the varsity team as well. The football team, Lions, rules the school and the entire town. Being on the football team means you are a hero, you are the one exception to every rule and law. Everyone in town worships the players. Max can end that for Hunter and Falcon, if he wanted. That’s the power Max has over them, that’s the influence Max is gifted with.
“I think you went a little overboard, Hunter,” cautions Falcon.
“She doesn’t exist,” Hunter mumbles, as if in some kind of trance. He absently looks at his bloody fist without an ounce of remorse and then dashes out the door.
A small sob slides out my throat.
Falcon’s brows snap together and he tilts his head to the side and starts to walk in my direction. Using the backs of my hands, I scuttle away from the door and hide in the tight corner of the stall, pressed between the wall and the toilet. Falcon’s black boots come into view as he stands in front of the door. “Who’s in there?”
I say nothing.
“I won’t hurt you.”
I don’t reply.
“You sound like you’re crying. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
Nothing.
“Look, there’s enough space for me to slide up under the door. I really don’t wanna do that. The floor is pretty gross. So just tell me you’re fine and I’ll leave. I promise.”
I open my mouth but nothing comes out.
I am not fine.
I am dying.
I am alone and dying.
Alone because no matter if I was in a crowded room no one would matter, Hunter was the only one that counted. Dying because he said I meant nothing, therefore I am nothing. I don’t exist to him. He was the reason I wanted to smile.
“Fuck it,” Falcon mutters. He bends down and begins to slide under the stall door on his back. A mop of thick brown hair pops into the rectangle of space. His big hands grip the bottom edges of the door to push his athletic body forward. Once he is fully inside the small area, he stands and dusts the palms of his hands on his jeans and turns to face me.
His face falls instantly. “Shit, Isabel. I didn’t—” he shoves his hands harshly through his hair and sighs “—we didn’t know you were in here. I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have heard any of that.”
It’s too late, of course.
I heard everything.
I’m so absorbed in my tears that I don’t respond.
I don’t care to respond.
I want him to go away and let me die in peace.
He’s very gorgeous, as attractive as Hunter.
But he doesn’t grant me that luxury, though.
He stays and holds me while I cry.
He lulls me into a warm place where I can finally say something.
I tip my head back and ask, “Why does it hurt so much?”
His beautiful brown eyes drop to my face and replies, “The pain was always there, you just never felt it until now.”