Freefalling
It’s been two weeks since Hunter gave me Birthday. Falcon, Vic, and Harmony fell in love instantly when they saw her. How could they not when she is the loveliest puppy in the world? Hunter hasn’t called, but that’s not anything unusual. Max has called. We talked just about every day. I’ve really grown to like him, a lot. He hasn’t seen me since our burnt taco dinner date, though. He said his father needed him to work extra hours at the Gabai’s Security Industry base on top of his shifts as a police officer, so he didn’t have free time available. Two Fridays have passed and I have not had any contact with GreenFrog whatsoever. Since I don’t know much about GreenFrog, I don’t know what to make of this.
I flex my fingers, trying to get more blood to circulate through my frozen veins. My wounded hand has completely healed and didn’t even leave a scar.
A cold silver flake sticks to my heated cheek and dissolves on impact. I tip my head back and stare at the vast, dark gray sky as chunky snowflakes begin to fall all around me. I stand at the very top of Cherry Cliff: a sheer cliff facing the deep riverbank below me. I’ve ignored the black and yellow reflective caution signs with crumbling rock images that’s rooted into the earth and wandered to the very edge of the cliff. Falcon dropped me off. I’ll call Harmony to come and get me when I’m ready to leave. They all wanted to stay, but I need to be up here alone to gather my thoughts and objectives.
My father, Ivan, took me and Tyler here all the time. In the summer, we would sit up here on a blanket and eat ham and cheese sandwiches and talk for hours. My mother, Isabelle, was terrified to ever leave the house. She could come outside, around the grounds of the house. But when it came to leave and go beyond the area, she couldn’t. My mother was struck with severe anxiety and panic attacks when it came to the simplest things, like going to the grocery store. My mom didn’t have the strength and that put more pressure on my dad, who loved to travel.
He told us he gave up his career in the military as a communications equipment technologist. He told us that he’s been all over the world. Everyplace Tyler and I blurted out my dad would nod and tell us his favorite memory of that exact place. He said he gave it up for my mom and didn’t regret doing it. My father said he would do it again, in a heartbeat if he had the chance. My parents met in high school, here in the small-town of Cherry Creek. They grew up together and were high school sweethearts. She was meek and quiet and he was lively and outgoing. Opposites played in their favor, until they graduated high school. My dad wanted to experience the world while my mom was satisfied and content with living and staying in town. So, he made her a promise, a promise to come back to her in four years. The rest is history.
The howling wind up here is bone-chilling, so cold that the moisture at the seam of my lips is frozen. My breath is stuck in my throat and I can’t keep my fingers warm. I should walk away and leave now, but the scenery of the wide, dark shimmering river and overcast sky is too captivating to turn my back on. This place is just too beautiful.
Inhaling deeply, I take in a lungful of crisp, frigid wintery air. Then, suddenly, I’m violently shoved off the edge of the cliff. There are three stages my mind automatically goes:
The first is pure and unadulterated fear. I’m free-falling. I’m going to die and I’m scared to die, I’m also terrified of the pain of the impact and the unknown. What happens after death?
The second is acceptance. There is nothing I can do about it. The push off the ledge was so sudden that I didn’t have time to struggle or catch a breath to scream.
The third is self-preservation. I don’t want my life to end here, it can’t end here. I have so much to live for…
The impact of the crash is instant. I suck back icy water as I release a bloodcurdling scream. Pain radiates from every fiber of my being. It feels like I plunged straight into a sea of razor-sharp frozen needles that ruthlessly tear at my flesh and rips and snaps at every warm thing within my body. A million mesmerizing oxygen bubbles do an elegant dance as they race up to the surface. My long hair is a dark mass that spreads around me like ghostly smoke. My clothes are like heavy iron that only weighs me down. Fighting with everything I have, I mindlessly claw at the dark water, hoping that something or someone hears my prayer and saves me, hoping that I am miraculously delivered from my doomed fate. The blaze of holding my breath so long is scolding my lungs and frying my brain. It’s excruciating.
I didn’t want you to go out like this, Tyler whispers to me.
I wanted better for you.
You deserve so much better.
But I’m here.
I’ve been waiting…
Sinking into a dark and bottomless pit, I take my final breath—a small gasp—releasing the blistering inferno inside my body and allowing the icy water in. It erases the memories, erases every thought, whether it’s pleasant or not. I don’t have any say in the matter. I’m left without anything…my mind is just blank.
***
Hero
Fuck, it’s cold out here. My teeth can’t stop chattering together. I toss a rock in the river and watch it sink in the black water. Tyler used to beg me to come up here. We would climb the cliff and stargaze at night. I didn’t mind doing that when he was alive. It took me away from my problems at home. I didn’t have to worry about my mother beating the shit out of me and my little sister, Naya. I didn’t have to care or understand me and Naya’s complex relationship, how she sleeps in my bed every night since I can remember and how she now rubs up against me, crushing her tits to my back and how hard I get every single time she does that.
I didn’t have to be concerned about my father’s AA meetings and him falling off the wagon. I didn’t have to care about my parents’ catastrophic divorce. I didn’t have to feel bad about lying to Hunter when he asked me if everything was okay. I didn’t have to worry about Taylor’s home life and safety. I didn’t have to give a fuck about anything. It was just the luminous dead stars and me and Tyler. But now, standing here alone at the edge of the riverbank pisses me off. It’s no longer a place of tranquility. I can’t even make it up the fucking cliff without him next to me—my legs started to shake and gave up on me not even halfway up the trail.
I hurl another rock in the water and turn my back, heading to my car. Then something heavy splashes into the river. It could really be anything. But something about that sound makes me stall. I dig my soles into the wet gravel, considering the possibility of turning around. Annoyed and frustrated, I sigh and swing my torso in the direction of the river. Many air bubbles and ripples break the surface of the water. Fear settles in the pit of my stomach. Without another thought I’m racing into the frosty river with my arms wide open. The temperature of the freezing water shocks my system. But that isn’t enough to deter me. I inhale a deep breath and plunge deeper, following the last traces of shimmering bubbles. The further I dive, the darker it gets until it is complete and total blackness. My eyes have no use for me here. I swing my arms out in front of me, blindly searching for something to pull up. My fingers curl around strands of something soft. It may be a plant, but whatever it is, I tug harshly and yank whatever’s attached to it up to the surface with me. My oxygen is depleting. Shooting up and breaking through the surface, I realize it is Isabel.
I wrap an arm around her waist and haul her along the water until we reach the gravelly bank. I lay her cold, limp body gingerly down. My fingers fumble to the side of her neck. No pulse. Panic sets in and I press my lips to her icy blue ones and begin CPR while my hands frantically pump over her heart.
This can’t end like this.
Tyler died and I couldn’t help him.
I was not there to help him.
Isabel can’t die like this.
She can’t, not while I’m here and I can do something about it.
NO!
NO!
NO!
“Isabel, breathe,” I say in a strained plea before blowing air into her mouth.
She’s unresponsive.
“Come back Isabel!” I order, before I force another breath down her throat. My tears drop from my chin and roll down her wet face.
My hands are demanding and relentless over her heart. “Do you hear me? Come back. We need you!” I yell, pressing down over her heart again.
Pump.
Blow.
Pump.
Blow.
Pump.
Blow.
How long have I been pumping her heart and breathing for her?
Seconds?
Minutes?
It feels like forever.
She’s still unresponsive; the only movement is the false rise and fall of her chest as I force more oxygen into her still lungs.
She’s not responding but I continue to breathe for her relentlessly.
Pump.
Blow.
Pump.
Blow.
I drop to my knees and crawl up to the cold body; her skin is too pale and blue against the ground. I do the only thing I can: hold the lifeless girl that Tyler loved beyond reason in my arms.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” I whisper desperately as I rock her back and forth, wishing she’d wakeup.
Her body convulses in my arms. Almost immediately she wakes. She turns her head to the side and coughs up water. I smooth her inky hair away from her face as she takes huge sustaining gasps, desperately trying to catch her breath.
Her green-hazel eyes are wide and frantic, searching for something to grasp on to until her eyes land on mine. “Hero?” she coughs. “I want to live.”