The Beginning of Broken Promises & Red Assurances
My head hangs down and my dark hair conceals my face. I stare down at my red Converses as my back droops against Hunter’s locker. He hasn’t called me or came to visit me in weeks since that bathroom scene occurred. If he can’t return my calls, then this is how we have to communicate—in front of prying eyes at school.
Falcon leans next to me. “You shouldn’t do this to yourself, Izzy. Hunter’s a dick. C’mon. I’ll walk you to Biology.”
I shake my head. “I have to stay here.”
“He only wants to embarrass you. Don’t give him that satisfaction.”
“He’s already won. I don’t care who sees my desperation…I just need to talk to him.”
“You’re going to be late for class. He’s probably in English right now, laughing his ass off.”
“Falcon, please. I need to talk to him. He was my best friend a month ago, and he’d die for me. He told me that a lot. Now I mean nothing to him. I don’t understand. What did I do wrong, Falcon?”The red that colors my shoes is now blurry from tears.
Falcon throws an arm over my shoulders, pressing his forehead to the side of my temple. “Nothing’s wrong with you, Izzy. You’re perfect in my eyes. I just wished you’d believed that. I always liked you, but never could venture into that area because of Hunter. You were his. That was plain and simple for everyone to witness. You’re not anymore.” Falcon’s words are like an anchor on my chest. Fat tears drop from my eyes and land on the tips of my shoes, rolling down the sides. He takes a hold of my hand, lacing our fingers together. “I like being your friend. Do you like being my friend?”
I nod, wiping my nose with the sleeve of my arm.
“Good, because I was thinking that we make a fantastic pair. I want more, though. I’m greedy, right? Nothing’s ever enough…but you might be.”
My gaze tentatively meets his. “What are you talking about, Falcon?”
I watch in fascination as his pretty lips curve into a gleaming smile.
He looks amazing when he smiles.
He looks amazing when he frowns.
Falcon is just amazing period.
I’m struck with a sudden illness.
My stomach hurts.
Falcon pushes off the locker, pinning my body with his bigger one. My breath catches in my throat as I feel every tight ridge and every contour of him. My hands grasp his shoulders for balance as I peer into the purest of all browns. His eyes are just as amazing as he is.
My teeth sink into my bottom lip as he leans closer. “What are you doing?”
“Making you my girlfriend, Izzy,” he whispers before kissing me. My mouth opens in a gasp and he slides his tongue inside my mouth. In complete shock, I freeze against him. He chuckles, pulling away to stare into my wide eyes. Students stroll by and whisper to one another, giggling and laughing at us. My face flushes and I hide in Falcon’s chest, clutching him closer. “I would apologize but it wouldn’t be genuine, though. I like kissing you. I’m going to like it even more when you don’t clam up on me.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize, Isabel. We’re going to go slow.” He brings my hand that’s still interlocked with his to his mouth and kisses my fingers. “I promise. I’ll never hurt you like he hurt you. I’ll be everything you wanted him to be. We can be that for each other.”
My heart feels like it’s trying to pound its way out of my chest as I open my eyes to Falcon. I recognize that sickening feeling now that settles in the pit of my stomach; it’s the same nauseous feeling I got when I first met Hunter, when I realized I loved him in a way I would never not love him.
“I think I’m falling for you,” I quickly admit without thinking twice about it.
“That makes the both of us,” he says, grinning. Falcon looks more amazing when he grins.
“It’s safe to fall.”
His eyes lazily roam my face in such a way my heart feels like it could explode and his brows knit together. “What?”
“It’s safe to be who I am with you; it’s safe to crumble into insignificant pieces in front of you. You’ve been with me every day for the past few weeks…even when I didn’t want you there because I was dying. But through the smoke and rubble, here you stand. That lets me know you’ll always be here for me, even when you’re not here for me.”
“What are you talking about?” he says through his grin.
“I’ll be able to depend on you when we’re not together,” I explain.
His grin vanishes. “We’ll always be together.”
I shake my head. “Nothing is forever, Falcon. Not even you and me.” I learned this lesson when my father killed himself and left me, my mom, and Tyler.
“Isabel.” I stiffen the second I hear Hunter’s voice. My eyes flicker over to him. He stands on the left side of me, his mouth pressed in a thin line and his fists tightly clenched at his sides. His beautiful face is twisted with rage. Falcon slowly backs away from me. I cautiously make my way to Hunter.
I reach up on the tips of my toes and smooth the worried lines between his brows. “We need to talk,” I whisper.
My body tenses more when I flinch from the late bell ringing. “Yeah. We need to talk,” Hunter agrees, never taking his eyes away from Falcon.
Falcon lifts a brow at Hunter.
Hunter’s jaw ticks.
Reaching down, I take Hunter’s hand in my, entwining our fingers like I’ve done countless times before. “Come, lets converse. I know a perfect place.” I tug on his arm and he reluctantly follows. The halls are entirely empty, so pulling him into the girls’ bathroom is not much of a challenge.
He stares down at our joined hands once we’re in. “What’s wrong with you? You haven’t been over. You haven’t called…What did I do wrong?”
“Everything,” he whispers, his gaze still aimed at our hands.
My brows furrow. The straps of my blue backpack slide down my shoulders and the weight of all my heavy textbooks threatens to drag me down. “What?”
“We can’t be friends anymore. You’ve messed everything up. You always mess everything up. I don’t need to be around you. I don’t want to be around you,” he says to our hands.
“I don’t get it.”
His sky blue eyes lift up to mine with a sudden violent disgust that I’ve never seen from him before. “What do you not get, Isabel? The part when I said, ‘we can’t be friends’? Or the part when I said, ‘I don’t want to be around you’? Please explain so I can elaborate.”
I tug our linked hands and place them over my thundering heart, so he can feel my erratic pulse beat against his skin. “This isn’t you…you love me. We love each other. We’d die for each other, remember? Do you remember what you said, what you promised when my dad died?” Hunter nods, but I remind him anyway. “You said loving you would never hurt. You said you would be there no matter what. You promised we would make it through together and come out stronger in the end.”
He tilts his head and clenches his jaw as he watches tears stream down my cheeks. “I’ve broke so many promises already. It’s good I’m cutting you loose. You’re free. It’s nothing but misery and pain on the road I’m headed. I’m already a fuckup. Look at what I’ve saved you from. You should be grateful, Isabel.” His tone is mocking and sad.
I release his hand, pressing his palm flat against my raging heart. “I’ll accept misery; I’ll accept pain…but I cannot accept you leaving. Don’t save me. If hell is where you’re headed, then count me in for the ride, too. You are where I want to be.”
His free hand settles on my lower back, pushing my body into his. He rests his forehead on mine, shutting his eyes. “You’ll always leave your mark on my soul, Isabel. But we can’t be together. We are not meant to be together. If you truly love me the way you say you do, then let me let you go. Don’t make this more difficult than it needs to be.”
“It does not have to be difficult, Hunter. Please. We can work through this. I’m positive about it. We’re stronger together than apart.”
“I can’t love you anymore,” he declares in a stern, finality voice.
“Impossible,” I whisper ever so softly. “You cannot not love me anymore.”
“But I don’t love you anymore, Isabel. Don’t you get it? It was only a matter of time before your fairytale came crashing down; its better this happened now rather than later. You’re not good enough for me. Let’s face it. You’re average, and that’s pushing it.” He opens his eyes, cradling my face in his hands. “Don’t you want me to have better? Don’t I deserve better, Isabel?”
“You deserve the world,” I say barely audible.
His fingers dig into the sides of my face. It hurts but the pain in my chest feels far worse. “Then give me that by leaving me alone. When we walk past each other, don’t even glance my way. I promise I’ll do the same. Let’s pretend me and you never happened.”
My fingers fist in his shirt. “But we did happen. We did, Hunter.” My throat feels so raw but I force the next words out. “Whatever I did, I’m sorry. If you just tell me…maybe I can fix it. I can fix this. Just let me fix this. Please. I’ll give you everything I have. I promise.” I yank him close and bury my wet face in his chest. “Don’t leave. Please don’t leave me. Whatever you do, please don’t leave me. I’m sorry. I love you.”
He takes a clumsy step back; his heart is beating super fast like mine. I only move with him, like I’m an attached piece. I am an attached piece—an extra limb that he doesn’t need any more. Then there is pressure on my wrists, so much pressure that I look up.
His eyes are watery and transparent, it’s like I can swim in them and die absolutely happy. “Bye, Isabel.” He leans forward and places a gentle kiss on the tip of my nose. My hands fall from his shirt. The vision of him walking away is obscured by the tears that roll down my cheeks.
I’m all alone now.
No more Hunter.
No more hearing his laugh.
No more watching him when he smiles.
No more feeling him breathe into me.
No more relief.
No more us.
In pure rage, I toss my backpack off and sling it against the door. It bounces off and lands on the floor with a loud thud. I stalk into the large handicap stall at the very end, slamming and locking the door behind me. It feels like a boulder is crushing my chest. No matter how many countless deep inhales I gulp down, it’s never enough to satisfy the ache in my lungs. It hurts to breathe. I need some kind of relief of this unbearable grief.
Taking my father’s Swiss knife from my pocket and with fumbling fingers, I roll the left sleeve of my navy cardigan and drag the razor-sharp tip of the knife across my flesh inside my wrist. The pain from my cut radiates throughout my body in scorching waves as my skin separates—leaving a thin bleeding horizontal line in its wake. The feeling I get from it is instant ecstasy. The blade drops from my hand, clinging against the tile. My legs give way and I collapse on my knees, gasping and convulsing and sobbing. Blood travels down my arm and leaks from my fingertips. I sigh in relief, staring at the small droplets of wet scarlet that lies scattered around me like shattered promises and broken dreams.