Once inside, I suddenly felt very alone. I was already missing them. I wandered round the duty free and bought a bottle of scotch each for Simon and Rich as there was an offer if you bought two bottles. I bought some perfume for Jane, some for Neeta and some for myself – all different fragrances as we all had our preferences. And then I waited for boarding to start. I also bought a bag of sweets to share with the people at work.
I had started to feel upset about Oliver’s attitude towards me. I had hoped he would kiss me goodbye and tell me he loved me. I was feeling I deserved that much. It smarted that he had only kissed my cheek. I was pleased with how much I had been able to help. I knew I had done a much better job that I’d expected. But I had hoped my presence, and my efforts; would have had an effect on him; that he would appreciate me more; realise he needed me. But it seemed I was wrong. Oh, I knew he was grateful for the help I’d been able to give, and he was grateful for some company when things were really tough going. But as for needing me, or loving me? I had serious doubts.
Perhaps he was still upset that I had chosen Sean over him? I turned it over in my mind time and again. He had seemed friendly enough when we were in the UK. He had taken me out for a meal or two and he was going to attend Neeta’s wedding when he knew I would be there too. I hadn’t taken him for someone who would punish me for my mistakes, but maybe I was wrong. Again.
Suddenly I was jolted out of my reveries by hearing my name on the PA system. “Would Caroline Simmonds, a passenger on the Air Canada flight to London, England, make her way immediately to the gate as the plane is waiting to depart.” I looked at my watch. I had been unaware how quickly time had passed. I ran to the departure gate and apologised to the staff there. “Two more minutes and we would have left without you,” the lady at the gate told me. As I entered the plane and made my way to my seat, I felt as if everyone was looking at me and condemning me. I was grateful that I didn’t have to walk all the way to the back. I settled in my seat, buckled my seat belt and shut my eyes so I couldn’t see the accusing eyes.
And I was grateful that the couple in the seats next to me didn’t want to chat. My relief at not having to listen to someone’s life history again was, however, short lived. The couple were both in their early twenties and very much in love. It seemed they had just become engaged and she was taking him back to England to meet her family for the first time. And she was telling him all about her family and her life as a child. But what was worse, was hearing them confess their love to each other at frequent intervals. How I was longing to have someone talk to me like that. I tried to shut their conversation out of my mind by concentrating on Oliver.
There had to be a reason for his attitude towards me. There just had to be. He had said he was going to miss me. Surely that meant he cared? Slowly a black thought entered my head. Maybe he was planning to stay in Canada. Maybe he had decided he wanted a complete break from the UK. It had been a bad last few months for him. Maybe my choosing Sean been the last straw and Harold’s situation had given him the excuse he needed to quit the UK. If that was the case, he wouldn’t want the complications of a relationship. Maybe he felt that had he kissed me he would be giving me false hopes.
“Would you like fish or chicken, madam?” I started. I must have been asleep. My neck ached. I rolled it to try release the tenseness but without much success. I chose the chicken but left most of it. I didn’t feel hungry. Or rather, I couldn’t face food. My mouth was dry and my head ached. It was the start of flu, I was convinced. My adrenaline had kept me going for three weeks; now I had no need of it, my defences had shut down. Fortunately, I was able to go back to sleep, but it was a fitful slumber. My neck kept aching; the couple decided to stretch their legs, and then returned.
Back home, I took a couple of tablets, had a hot milky drink and went to bed. It was six in the morning when I awoke. I had slept for over twelve hours and I was at last feeling better. I looked at my phone. There had been no messages. I was disappointed. At least I had expected Jane or Neeta to welcome me back and ask how I had got on. Now I felt neglected by almost everyone. I put the washing machine on and tackled the pile of mail that had accumulated.
My thoughts kept drifting to Oliver and my disappointment that he didn’t care for me the way I wanted him to. An ironic thought occurred to me: I had promised myself I wouldn’t rush into another relationship; that was a promise I was destined to keep. There was no way I would be able to meet any one else when I felt the way I did about Oliver. And I realised I had it bad. Why did I choose Sean over him? It was obvious to me now who was the better man. Why hadn’t I seen that before? “Circumstances,” I told myself. Oliver was away a lot and Sean was always around. Sean was more exciting than Oliver. And he was there after the burglary.
I had finished one load of washing and it was in the tumble drier when the first text arrived. It was from Jane. I called her back immediately and poured my heart out to her. “I can’t believe he’d be that callous,” she told me.
“He gave me a webcam as a leaving present,” I said dejectedly. “I thought it was so we could keep in touch. But why would he when he feels nothing for me.”
“Then maybe we are both wrong,” Jane said. “It sounds as if he does want to keep in touch. Not only that, but he wants to see you as you chat. Maybe he didn’t want to make his feelings so obvious when Eleanor was still facing such an uncertain future.” This was a possibility I hadn’t really considered and it cheered me up no end. My next task, I told myself, was to load Skype to my computer and set up the webcam.
An hour later, I went through the same story with Neeta. But I was much more upbeat in the telling. “Keep in there, girl,” She said. “It will all come right – if it’s meant to.”