On my return from the UK, my normally stable, reliable, boyfriend was acting more distant than usual. Now, this did worry me a little, but as we had just moved house, to a very lovely, up-market, high-rise apartment, I put it down to stress. He was normally a very friendly, easy-to-get-on-with kind of man, but in those first few days he was very argumentative, which was unlike him. He had never been particularly emotional throughout our relationship, but I think it’s fair to say I was emotional enough for the both of us. However, for some reason, I had a very uneasy feeling deep down inside—which of course, at the time, I chose to ignore.
My first real clue—the first one that I chose to listen to anyway—was one night when I had stayed out late and I decided to lie to him. I didn’t often lie to my boyfriend; for the most part, I was a good girl—always doing what I was told and always doing the ‘right thing’—but in this instance, I think any priest would forgive me. I had only been back in the country a few days and was out at an event raising money for childhood cancer with some friends from work. My boyfriend texted me about 6pm to let me know he had fed Coco, our cat, and would be working from home all night. Lovingly, he asked what time I would be back. He worried about me, I thought to myself. I replied with ‘about 10pm’ as I was still jet lagged and didn’t want a late night. At 8.30pm, I felt a sudden urge to go home and see him. After all, I had been away for a month and had really missed him, despite his distantness. Like I said, I had always been the emotional one in the relationship.
I remember, one year, after he dropped me at the airport to leave for the UK, I texted him once I was through security to say I missed him. To which he phoned me and very coldly said, ‘Well, you only saw me ten minutes ago, so I don’t know how you could miss me. What’s wrong with you?’
Although that sort of lack of emotion was common for him, for some reason I couldn’t help but think of it as I left the fundraiser.
I arrived home that night at 9pm, very excited to surprise him and tell him how much I had missed him, but all the lights were out and Coco was the only one home. I recall thinking that was strange, but maybe he had popped out to buy me some chocolates, or flowers, or something very expensive. A girl can hope! In retrospect, maybe I had had too much wine. Naturally, I decided to call him and he picked up nearly immediately. What happened next changed my life forever.
‘Hi,’ I said. ‘Where are you?’
He waited only a few seconds to answer, but I knew him well enough to know something was wrong when he answered, very distracted, with the same question I had asked him:
‘Where are you?’ he said.
At that moment, something deep inside me, and I had no idea what it was, told me to lie, and so I answered with ‘still at the fundraiser, but I’m leaving now.’ Of course that was a lie, which I immediately regretted, as I was obviously standing in our open plan kitchen. Despite my guilt, I quickly followed up my lie with a repeated, ‘Where are you?’
His next sentence broke my heart into a million teeny tiny little pieces, and I would never forget it. ‘I’m at home,’ he said.
Feeling sick to my stomach, but being the tolerant person—most of the time—I am, I desperately gave him another chance and responded with, ‘Whereabouts?’
That time, he sounded even more distracted but responded with, ‘At my desk. Why?’
I ignored his question and continued my own line of questioning, trying to work out exactly what was going on because, of course, from the kitchen where I was standing, I could see into all rooms in the apartment, including his office where his desk was. ‘Is Coco ok? Can you see her?’ I asked, hoping the mistake was mine and maybe we had gotten our wires crossed and in fact he meant he was really in his city office or at his friend’s desk.
When he responded with, ‘Yes, she’s fine and she is right here with me,’ I nearly threw up.
My head started pounding, and I couldn’t quite understand what was happening. At that moment, I did something I never ever do; I remained calm, I remained emotionless, just like him. Of course, I could, in fact see Coco, and unless my lying scumbag of a boyfriend had gained the power of invisibly, I had just wasted the last five years of my life waiting to have a family with that man. Holding back the tears, I continued to play along with whatever game he was playing. ‘Ok, I’ll be home in ten mins,’ I said, emotionless, hoping to freak him out. Then I waited.
I don’t really remember waiting or how long I waited. Of course, I was tempted to leave, there and then, but I couldn’t. I was completely unable to move my legs. Part of me wanted to just pretend I wasn’t home and walk around the block and come in like nothing had happened. That way, everything would be ok, and I would still be able to follow my plans for a family and a normal life like everyone else. However, my body had gone into complete shock, and although I was angry, I was frozen to the spot.
When he arrived home and saw me standing there, he went as white a sheet. Without saying a word, he eyed me very suspiciously, like I was some sort of unpredictable animal that could attack him at any moment. But as my emotions got the better of me, like they quite often did, and I began to cry, he knew he had been caught out. At first, he tried to tell me he had just popped down to the garage and we must have missed each other. Liar. Then he tried to blame me for lying; saying he had known I was lying all along and was just playing along. After five years, he obviously thought I was stupid! I asked him where he had been over and over again, but to be completely honest, I didn’t even listen to the answers and excuses he came up with. I was too heartbroken.
After a lot of screaming, shouting and tears from me, he packed up some things and was gone. I honestly don’t remember how or why he left; whether I asked him to go, or forced him to go, or whether he left on his own accord. All I know was that it was past 11pm by that point, and the first two hours of my new life had just flown by in the blink of a very sad, blurry, teary eye. Of course, 99% of me didn’t actually want him to leave, but looking back, I am so glad he did. In that moment in time, all I wanted him to do was tell me the truth and beg for my forgiveness. I didn’t want to lose him. I still wanted my perfect little family, like all my friends had. But looking back, I am so grateful he left. If he hadn’t, my life would be very different right now, and I very much doubt I would have anything interesting to write!
After he left, I curled up in a ball on the floor and cried…and cried…and cried. I didn’t think I had ever felt so alone. I was so far away from home and from everyone I loved and everyone who loved me. I truly hated Guy at that point; I was alone and he was no doubt with his friends and family. It just seemed so unfair. It had all come as such a shock to me. Up until that point in my life, I had been a relatively good girl. All I truly wanted to do was settle down and have a family, but things were about to change.
‘Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.’ — Marilyn Monroe.