Chapter 5
Fantasy... or Reality?
She was lying in bed thinking about Noah, still very much confused about his attitude, before and after the kiss. One minute she was burning in his arms, being devoured by his mouth, and the next, he was pulling away. She traced her still tingling lips with her fingers and sighed in renewed hunger, a hunger that wouldn’t be fulfilled, not really, not until she tasted his lips again, until his tongue melded with hers and infused her with his delicious slightly minty scent.
Argh. She wanted his mouth on hers so badly she was literally shaking from the frenzied need rising inside her body, flooding her system with such inexplicable lust, it scared her to her core. She always desired him, but so far he had been an unattainable dream. Now. After that kiss. Everything became so real, maybe too real. And she wasn’t sure if she could handle it, handle him.
Plus, that man’s expression revealed not one inner thought. How was a girl supposed to know where she stood, how much of herself to give when he was so perplexing. His heart and his mind were like an impenetrable fort no woman could possibly hope to invade.
He kissed her, and then nothing. The most amazing, earthshattering, confounding kiss of her life, and she had no idea if it affected him even the slightest bit.
Did it mean anything or was it just a reaction to seeing her naked? He probably kissed every naked woman he encountered. Not that she wanted to think about that, Noah with other women, lots of other women. Come to think of it, Noah was a bit of a man-whore. Definitely a player. So what did that make her? Just another plaything for him to mess with, something new and unexpected, interesting for now, but discarded later when she lost her appeal. Just as every other new and shiny toy he had in the past.
That thought was depressing, to say the least. She didn’t want to be just someone for him to play with and throw away at a later date. She wanted forever. She wanted a fairy-tale she knew she would never get. Something and someone that was hers, and only hers.
She didn’t want to share or come as second best or last when it came to his priorities. She wanted to be his one as he was hers, and if that was selfish, well, so be it. She was always last in everyone else’s thoughts, she grew up knowing that, at least with her parents it was always so. She wanted the man of her dreams to put her first. Was that really so bad? So unforgivable?
She weaved her fingers through her hair frustratingly and mussed them into an even bigger bird’s nest than before. She lifted her head, looking left at the mirror and her disheveled self, reflecting in its surface and just shook her head plopping back down on the bed, pulling the pillow from underneath her head and covered her face, effectively shutting out the rest of the world.
If only her disturbing and frustrating thoughts could have left her alone as well, that would have been great. But no, all she saw behind her closed eyelids was Noah’s face, revealing his desire, his blue eyes shining with the need to taste her lips, to caress her skin and she sighed. God, she wanted that.
But then his eyes turned cold, his face transformed into unreadable indifference and she lost him. As if the Noah from just minutes before never existed, as if the relaxed, almost smiling part of him was pushed back behind the ruthless businessman persona.
But which part of him was real? The Noah who was passionate, impulsive and reachable or the Noah who was ruthless, cold and uncompromising? And could she handle all aspects of his personality, even the dark scary ones, the ones she couldn’t understand, the ones she wanted to soothe and help heal? She wanted to, yes, but was she strong enough? That, she was not certain of.
She dreamed of being with Noah since she was sixteen years old. A girl’s fascination transformed into a young woman’s desire, a simple crush into a love felt so deeply, so profoundly, it became ingrained in her very being. Part of her, so vital, so integral, she was defined by it, consumed by it, so much so that she no longer recognized herself without it.
Even believing she would never experience the happiness she so desperately craved for, she could not move on, nor look further and be with someone else. How could she, when he was all she ever dreamed of.
One of her friends once told her, if you cannot love the one you want, love the one you’re with. So she went on dates and tried to be open to new experiences, to be optimistic and hopeful of what the future might bring. She realized later on though that she was settling and was not really happy with the choices she’d made and so she had to reconsider and determine her priorities in life. What took precedence and what was essential for her happiness.
Unfortunately, the mindless dating was not it. The guy she was with at the time did not appreciate her decision, at all. He was pretty vocal about it, and the kindest word coming out of his mouth had been the word tease, the others were a bit more crude and vulgar.
Let’s just say she hadn’t had the best luck with dating, probably because in the back of her mind she was always thinking of Noah. Always comparing everyone to him, and she always found them lacking in some way. Even though, for the most part, they were quite nice, not to mention good looking, but somehow they always came short, whereas Noah could do no wrong in her mind.
She knew thinking like that was ridiculous, she just couldn’t help it. Noah was all she ever dreamed of, all she ever wanted and he was an unattainable dream. She put him on a pedestal so high not even Noah himself could measure up in real life. She’d built him up in her mind through all the years she’d fantasized about him and now he was damn near perfect, a prince from a fairytale every little girl dreams of.
And that kiss, there not even her imagination could compare to the real thing. To feel his soft lips meld with hers, his hands caress her skin, press her closer to his body within his tight embrace, an embrace filled with passion and sensation she’d never experienced before.
She surrendered to his tutelage and became his willing pupil. In that moment she would have given anything for it to last a little longer, to be able to experience a woman’s desire that had been denied to her so far. She ached from the need coursing through her body, a need so strong and powerful it sometimes felt essential to her very survival, at least regarding to her sanity. It was ridiculous, she knew, to feel this way.
She tossed and turned on the bed, feeling frustrated and desperate for his touch, which made her angry both with herself and him for making her feel this way. Mostly him though, because he turned on a whim.
One minute they shared this perfect moment and the next he acted as if nothing happened. She understood they had to appear normal for Andrea’s sake, but did he have to be so emotionless about it, so indifferent and cold. Her mind understood, but her heart and soul bled from the irrational pain she felt squeezing her insides, preventing her from taking a breath, from gaining any kind of relief.
She needed time. Time to think, to reevaluate the situation, her stand on the matter and the position she would take.
She would not kowtow to his demands, his indifference and she would not bend to his will. He might still see her as a little girl with stars in her eyes, but he would soon realize she had grown and transformed herself into a strong woman.
A woman plagued with fears, doubts and insecurities, but confident enough to stand firm in the face of uncertainty, assured that she would prevail. A woman whose past should have crumbled her, but instead made her tougher, stronger and more resilient in facing the unknown.
She survived her parents’ battles, the maliciousness and spitefulness of people she thought were friends and family and probably the most difficult of all, watching Noah be with other women. Helpless to interfere and resigned to observe the boy and the man he became, to witness when he fell in love and cry in the solitude of her room when he chose to marry her and later on hear about his heartbreak, the betrayal dealt to him, and not be able to be the one to comfort him and help him in his time of need.
She stood by helpless and powerless when the boy next door, always smiling, always with a light inside him that drew everyone to him, became a ruthless businessman without an ounce of mercy. A man who rarely smiled or enjoyed life’s simplest things, the little moments that made you happy, the treasures of the soul which helped heal the wounds that scarred us deeply.
To the world he was a man without a heart, not cruel, but indifferent, a man who, for some, had it all. More money than most people could dream of, a beautiful woman on his arm every time his picture was taken, and even though he never smiled or showed his feelings, people were convinced he was living the dream.
Glass houses hide a lot of things, she supposed.
But his family knew behind the public façade of indifference and sometimes even coldness hid a man who felt too deeply and needed to protect that part of himself, which broke one too many times to ever risk feeling that kind of devastation again, even if it was just once more.
And yet despite all of it her feelings hadn’t changed, they remained strong and hopeful that the day would come when he would realize she was standing right in front of him, that she had been there this whole time, waiting for him to open his eyes and see her. Not as a little girl, not as his sister’s friend, but as a woman who could make him happy, who could be everything for him, and who would give everything to him.
She wondered though. Was this just another fantasy... or did she dare dream of a possibility it might become a reality?