Chapter 8
Insecurities
That was easier said than done, though. She worried herself sick about Andrea’s reaction. She shouldn’t have, because Noah was right. As soon as she mentioned to Andrea she was having lunch with Noah to discuss her parents’ party she stopped listening and decided to just let them be. She said she’ll go watch Adrian practice for a little while and then they could all go out, there was a party she wanted to go to.
Okay. So one crisis averted. And now for the rest.
She texted Noah.
Sophie: It’s just us. U were right. She totally bailed.
Noah: Good.
And that was that. Just… good. Okay then. Good it is.
She got a text from the driver that he was waiting downstairs for her. This was it, she thought. She looked herself over, from top to bottom, in the mirror one more time, to see if anything was out of place, applied a little pink lip gloss on her lips, swung her purse over her shoulder and walked out the door.
She greeted the driver with a soft hello and a smile, but remained quiet the rest of the drive. He didn’t seem in the talkative mood and neither was she. She was too nervous to talk. The anticipation was killing her.
She knew Noah wanted to discuss their future involvement and anything to do with Noah and future in the same sentence got her heart pumping erratically and a thousand butterflies ready to fly out of her stomach. She knew Noah wanted the physical aspect of a relationship, and she wanted that too, of course, but she was equally convinced he wasn’t willing, or just wasn’t capable of giving her the emotional part of it as well.
She should be used to that by now, but it still hurt, knowing she was far more invested in the outcome of their so called rendezvous. Or was it a liaison? Maybe she should just call it an affair, a dirty little secret they had to keep from everyone.
Sure, neither of them was in a relationship, they were both single and free to do as they pleased, but nothing was that simple. If Andrea found out her best friend was hooking up with her brother she would be mad as Hell, she hated nothing more than one of her friends making googly eyes at her brother, or worse, actually trying to pursue him.
He was somewhat legendary at their home town for his sexual proves and the short term of his liaisons. Every woman knew he wasn’t a relationship type of a guy, not anymore. Burnt once, twice shy is what they say.
He wasn’t interested in anything more than a casual hookup, a few hours of incredible sex and then he was done. The women complained and in the same breath bragged about it. It irked them to no end that they were just one of the many and at the same time they were proud of the fact that they were chosen for that honor.
It made Sophie hate all of them. Andrea was annoyed and peeved as Hell, especially when they deliberately threw it in her face on a regular basis. What girl would want to hear about her brother’s sexual exploits.
They were mad at him and they took it out on her. They knew how much it irritated Andrea to hear about her brother from their disgusting mouths, and they took advantage of it. Since Sophie was almost always next to Andrea when it happened, she got to hear all the glorious details as well, she despised all of them immensely, to say the least.
They got even though. Everyone in their home town knew they had a mean streak when they were riled, they also knew to avoid them at all cost when they were in vengeance mode.
Some of them just didn’t learn, despite the fact they felt the brunt of it in the past or witnessed it with one of their friends. Oh well, next time then. She smiled at the thought. Stupid airheads, memory like a goldfish. Practically nonexistent.
What worried her was what would Andrea do when she learned Sophie was sleeping with her brother, and she was almost certain they were headed in that direction.
Sooner or later her golden membership of the V-card club would be null and void, and for Noah to be the one to cancel that subscription was a dream come true. She would deal with the Andrea problem when it was time. Right now she had other worries.
She needed to convince Noah she wasn’t just his sister’s best friend, or a little girl he watched grow up and comforted in her time of need. She was a woman who knew what she wanted, and she wanted him since she was sixteen years old, probably even longer, but it was then that she began to realize what her growing feelings were, what the confusion in her body meant.
All these new reactions and discoveries, changes occurring in her body that made her tremble, that were sometimes scary and causing a need inside that she couldn’t possibly control. She felt she was spiraling and then he was there, grounding her, keeping her safe.
He never knew what their moments together meant to her, those late night conversations at their pool, dipping their legs inside, staring at the stars and the moon, contemplating her life.
Sometimes he would just sit there, beside her, saying nothing at all, just leaving her to her own thoughts. Other times when he saw she was struggling he never once made her ask, he gave her what she needed, he just talked until she calmed down, got her thoughts in order and then gently inquired if she was ready to let it out.
Growing up, his house was a refuge, while hers was a war zone. She often stayed with them, just to get away from the perils of being stuck with two parents who seemed to hate each other, but at the same time weren’t letting go.
Why they chose to stay shackled in that toxic environment she never understood, she on the other hand needed to get away. The Crawford’s took care of her, they knew what was happening, but they never said, they were just there, supportive, a rock for her to lean on, parents she wished she had.
Noah was there through all of it, and she was grateful for that. Even then he saw too much, understood too much, as if he saw all the way inside her, through her cheerfulness and calmness, through the blasé attitude everyone seemed to believe in, everyone but him there is. Somehow he knew the happy smile and the laughter hid the pain that was tearing her apart, the pain that was becoming too much to bear.
She endured a lot during her young life, things that never should have happened, and she knew a lot of kids had it worse than her, she was never physically abused, or didn’t have something to eat when she was hungry, or couldn’t afford to buy clothes but instead wore torn and ragged ones she already outgrew, yes, that was never her life.
She came from money, was privileged in more ways than she could say, but all the shiny new toys and designer clothes and purses, the latest Jimmy Choo’s and Louboutin’s couldn’t make up for the neglect and emotional pain her parents caused.
She would rather be in a normal middle class family with parents who loved and respected each other, instead of the destructive household she lived in. Parents so vindictive they didn’t care who got caught in the crossfire, if their own daughter got hurt by it.
One day they would annihilate and obliterate everything standing in their way and the next they would be all smiles and sweet touches. It was like living with two schizophrenics or someone with bipolar disorder, she swore they bounced from up to down faster than she could keep up.
She never knew what was going on with them. Of course all of it happened behind closed doors of their house. Out in public, they were the decorum of a perfect couple, and Sophie hated pretending what a perfect family they were.
That’s why she loved the Crawford’s house, it was never quiet, but it wasn’t filled with screams either, no, there was laughter, and teasing, and so much love, she barely stopped herself from crying every time she crossed their threshold. It was what a home was supposed to look like, how parents were supposed to be.
Their interaction with their kids was so different from her own experience it never seized to amaze her. They always included her and made her feel at home, but at night, on the days that she would sleep over, she was always restless, everything seemed too quiet, too peaceful.
She would go out when they were all already sleeping and just sit by the pool, stare at the calmness of the water, the brightness of the stars, the moon revealing itself high in the sky. She would just breathe and wait for the panic to subside. That’s when he would normally show up and sat there beside her. Quiet, but lending his strength if she needed it.
When he went to college, she lost that, him, and their nights together. The first year the panic and the restlessness returned full force and she realized the impact, him just sitting there, not uttering a word, had on her. He was her lifeboat for so long she began to take him for granted, as if he would always be there, chasing the nightmares away.
Him being gone really brought things in perspective and then when time passed by and he was still gone, she slowly learned to rely on herself. When he came back whenever he had a break she made sure to never let him know how much it affected her, to have him near again.
And then it happened, he brought home a girl, and it was serious. Andrea seemed to like her, although she admitted she thought she was a little self-centered sometimes and she was worried how it would affect Noah in the long run, but since he seemed so happy she kept quiet.
Sophie however, was crushed. She hid it behind bright smiles and meaningless conversation, even went on a few dates herself, trying to move on and failing miserably.
Andrea was her best friend, but nonetheless she was the last person Sophie could confide in. Not about her feelings towards Noah, and the pain she felt every time someone mentioned Natasha and Noah in the same sentence.
When they broke up, because she betrayed him with Marc, she felt relieved and then guilty for even thinking that way. Noah deserved all the happiness in the world, even if it was with someone else. Just not that cheating skank Natasha. How could she do that to Noah, who was beyond incredible and treated her like a queen? She should know, from her own experience of a messed up life, people couldn’t be trusted, no matter how much you wanted to believe in them.
That experience changed Noah and his view on life and relationships, he hardened more with each day, locked his heart away until nothing and no one could reach it and lay devastation on it ever again. After that he never even dated, relationships were a thing of the past, and commitment was a word he stayed well clear off.
She also learned through the years his tastes ran to the darker side, and that kinky didn’t even begin to cover it. The women delighted in it, the taste of the forbidden, the bad boy who put even Michelangelo’s David to shame, Adonis, a freaking Greek God if you ever saw one. They were right, he was beyond gorgeous, not that he cared, he had that intense, brooding, yet blasé I don’t give a fuck attitude down pat.
That he was also a millionaire by his own right, or was it already a capital B in front of it, she didn’t really care, but every gold-digger out there came out of the woodwork with their hunting gears in tow, or front, however you want to look at it. Overinflated much? She couldn’t understand how men found that attractive, sure, it was sort of nice to look at, but what about the feel, like an airbag pressing against you. Ugh.
She knew she couldn’t compete with their experience and knowledge on how to please him, which was one of her biggest fears, that he would find her lacking and her innocence in these matters laughable.
She was embarrassed to even think about it, what in the world would she do when he was actually standing before her, naked and aroused, and she just standing there, embarrassed beyond belief. Afraid of what he would think when he saw her naked body, all the little imperfections.
She cringed at the thought and looked down, not to mention her modest B-cups were already giving her insecurities, since he usually dated women with big boobs, legs a mile long, and they looked like as if they just stepped out of a catwalk. Saying he had a type was an understatement, since he rarely deviated from the norm. Well, occasionally, some of the women he was with from their town were not exactly supermodel material, but she had to admit, albeit grudgingly, they were beautiful.
She knew her own insecurities stemmed from the fact her mother expected perfection in everything, and she was far from perfect, therefore she’d never been able to please her demanding parents. They gushed about her to all their acquaintances, proudly announcing her accomplishments, and then privately scolded her on matters she could have done better.
Hence the thousand and one anxieties she battled with every day. Although, since she started attending college and she and Andrea got their own place it became easier, she was free to just be herself and not be afraid she was being judged for it. Being away from home and the unreasonable expectations she had to endure all her life was an elating experience that liberated her spirit and self-conscious mind.
She still faced uncertainties, but unlike before she felt confident in dealing with them. School had always been her refuge, the one thing she always excelled at and was proud of. Not even her parents could find fault with her schoolwork, although her mother certainly tried. Her father, surprisingly, put his foot down on that one, and told her mother to shut it.
She was an excellent student who aced all her classes, got every imaginable award there was and for once he would not stand by and allow her to be belittled for something she should be congratulated for instead.
To say she was speechless was an understatement. She saw her father in a new light that day, and she realized he wasn’t the one who always had some sort of complaint about her, he just never really showed an interest, always too busy with his work or arguing with her mother to bother taking notice of his daughter, she supposed. Not that it made a difference, the rejection still hurt, but, after all these years, she was used to it.
Through it all she had Andrea, and to some extent even Noah. Retreating into her own mind, dreaming and fantasizing about him offered her comfort and an escape from reality.
She knew she put him on a pedestal where no one could reach him. No other boy or man ever came close, the few that she dated, compared to Noah, blended into the background where they became almost nonexistent. It wasn’t fair to them or to her for that matter, but she just couldn’t help herself. Every detail about them she compared to him and he always came out on top.
The one time she ignored her instincts and pushed forward, even though her mind screamed he wasn’t right, she disregarded every warning sign, dismissing it as just another comparison to Noah, and she barely came out of that encounter alive. Only Andrea knew the extent of her mistake, the magnitude of the consequences she faced. Both emotionally and physically.
Her parents knew the basics, what happened, what he did, in order to get a restraining order, but they talked her out of pressing charges, they didn’t want a scandal marring their image. Everything was done quietly, handled by their lawyers. His parents agreed to pay restitution in order for her silence, they didn’t want anyone to know what a monster they had for a son. She refused, but was vetoed by her own parents who just wanted everything to go away as quickly and quietly as possible.
Meanwhile, she was left to face physiotherapy on her own, with only Andrea standing by her unconditionally. Her broken arm and ribs were the least of her worries. Emotionally she was a wreck.
She kept picturing his face, so full of rage when she refused to sleep with him, how he backhanded her and told her she was his to do with as he pleased. When she told him to get lost, then he really lost it, he grabbed her arm, twisting it until it broke, pushed her down until she fell and tried to crawl away, kicked her so hard he broke several ribs and still he didn’t stop. Thankfully one of her and Andrea’s friends stopped by and heard her screams, he broke down the door and got him away from her. She would forever be thankful to Jeremy for what he did, for saving her.
It took months before she could walk around campus on her own and not break in a cold sweat from the sheer terror of being followed and facing that monster ever again.
That was the first semester of college, she almost quit after that, but she was too stubborn to give anyone the satisfaction of watching her fail. Or giving up the opportunity to graduate from Harvard and all the benefits that entailed later on when life happened, and the real world intruded in their little bubble, where they could still pretend not to be grown-ups.
Somehow she went on, and not only survived the next few years, but thrived in a way she could barely imagine and hope for those years ago.
She looked out the window at the passing scenery, buildings blurring by, and took a deep breath, dispelling the melancholy mood she found herself in. She needed to stop contemplating and procrastinating on the past and focus on the future. She was almost at the restaurant and the anticipation was killing her.
They would discuss how to proceed with whatever was developing between them. She knew Noah was emotionally detached and was not willing to open himself up to getting hurt again, and she understood, but at the same time she needed him to know, to convince him, she was worth taking the risk for. That she was not his cheating ex and were she his, she would never look at another man, let alone gave herself to him. There was not a man on Earth that would tempt her enough to do that, not with Noah by her side.
He was the man she always wanted, always desired and yearned for. He was her wildest dream, her fantasy, and yes, her obsession.
Whether that was healthy or not she didn’t really care, the temptations he inspired were too great to ignore and for once she didn’t want to hold back, she didn’t want to be the good girl anymore. She wanted to let go, to be free to explore her carnal desires and have no regrets afterward.