They walked a little further and finished the pretzel. They found a cozy, tranquil café, went inside and sat down at one of the booths farthest from the entrance, to give them a little privacy.
It was one of those slightly noisy, but unperturbed and relaxed environments that make you feel right at home. The old world feel of dark wood and dark brown leather benches, completed with dim lighting from rustic chandeliers that almost looked like flickering candles.
Black and white photos hung on the walls, portraying the city of the past, the famous customers that stopped by and the family photos of the smiling owner and his family spanning decades in the past, she assumed from the time the original owner opened the place.
They sat next to each other, their knees touching in light soft brushes. He took her hand in his and intertwined their fingers. They sat like that, silently, just holding hands, his thumb caressing the underside of her palm and the corner of her wrist, the spot where her pulse beat frantically despite the calmness she felt inside.
The waitress stopped at their table and for a moment just stood there and stared. Sophie could understand, Noah was a man who drew notice. Tall, with wide shoulders that perfectly displayed his prominent physique and the width of his biceps, even under a suit, which he took off as they sat down.
His shirt was rolled to his elbows, giving a little peek of a tattoo, which Sophie knew were intricate tribal markings, swirling across his right arm and up his muscular bicep, to the back of his shoulder where they ended with a phoenix taking flight.
It was all done in black and golden bronze blending together in an image that seamlessly, perfectly and beautifully complemented his skin tone.
Sophie remembered catching her breath the first time she saw his tattoo when they were at the pool. Noah in a tight boxer brief swimsuit was enough to make your heart pumping faster, but Noah with that tattoo on his chiseled body was simply, spectacularly, swoon worthy.
She sighed just thinking about it.
Add to that his messy dark brown, almost black hair he was always running his fingers through, which in turn made it into that just-got-out-of-bed-after-hours-of-steamy-hot-sex-and-didn't-bother-to-comb-it look, which drove girls, including her, mad with lust.
If that wasn't enough, when he turned his gaze on you and you got the first glimpse of his brilliant, crystal clear blue eyes that reminded you of the sunniest, brightest skies in the summer and that breathtakingly beautiful sea in some exotic Caribbean beach, well… then you were toast. If you didn't turn into a blabbering idiot, more power to you.
The waitress was staring and blinked as if she was coming out of a stupor, after which she shook her head as if to clear her mind. Sophie barely contained her laughter.
She understood perfectly.
It was Noah. What did you expect?
He of course was clueless. Men. --- Seriously.
She asked them what they wanted and Noah ordered coffee with cream and one sugar, Sophie decided upon iced tea, since she detested coffee to the nth degree. She only drank it in the mornings out of necessity, so she didn't fall asleep during class, since it started at the ungodly hour of seven or eight, depending on the professor.
She was lucky some of them prescribed to her kind of thinking and never started a class before eleven or twelve am, THANK GOD. In case you hadn't noticed, she was not a morning person.
When the waitress returned with their order they both sat silently, sipping their drinks, for a moment, enjoying the relaxing ambient of the café.
Noah squeezed her hand, which he never let go of the entire time they were there. He turned to her, the width of his body shielding her from the other patrons, essentially enclosing them in the booth, creating a sense of intimacy.
"I think it's time we talked." He brushed his thumb soothingly over the pulsing vein on her wrist.
Sophie breathed in deeply and looked into his eyes, shining brightly in the dim lighting of the room.
He was focused solely on her, concentrated on every inhale and exhale of her breath, the beating of her heart, slightly flushed cheeks, she could feel the heat radiating from her face, the movement of her eyes.
His own, laser focused, missed nothing.
"Sophie, my tastes run a little darker than most people's. And for that reason I impose certain rules with every person I'm involved with. I hope you can understand and accept that."
"Yes, of course." She breathed in.
"What happens between us… privately. Stays just there, between us. You cannot discuss it with anyone. Now, I know you wouldn't tell Andrea, for obvious reasons, but you cannot tell anyone else either. You understand?" He said softly with a hidden edge coloring his voice.
Her eyes widened marginally and he fixated on that immediately.
She tried to calm him down, reassure him.
"I understand, and you should know I wouldn't say anything. You know me. And you know I'm not like that. Besides, I can keep a secret." She smirked.
She lifted her eyebrow meaningfully and he frowned in thought. All of a sudden his eyes widened in recognition and remembrance, and it made him smile.
"Yes, I remember… You kept my secrets… Once upon a time." He said gently.
"And you kept mine." She whispered.
"Do you still trust me? As you once did." He asked tenderly, but with purpose and intensity. Without trust they had nothing. They could not proceed.
She looked into his eyes and held his gaze with her own, willing him to see the truth reflected there. "Yes. I trust you. I always have." She breathed in.
"I never stopped." She squeezed him lightly, feeling the strength in his large hand, enveloping her small fragile bones, holding her so protectively.
"You were there for me, for a time." She looked down at their interlacing hands and continued.
She couldn't look into his eyes for this.
"When you went away to college, I was alone again. Yes, I had Andrea, but she didn't know the things you did, and I couldn't bring myself to tell her."
She squeezed her eyes shut to ward of the pain that always came whenever she thought of that time in her life.
"You were my rock, and you left me. I understood. It was college. But I was still alone, when my thoughts ran wild, when I felt my life was collapsing in on itself." She breathed in deeply to calm herself.
"Andrea knew some of the things that were happening, but not all. She looks at the world differently than I do. Or you. She's always a glass half full, always looking for the upside of things, when sometimes there isn't one."
"You learned that the hard way, and so did I. Different circumstances perhaps, but still. Life is not always sunshine and rainbows. It's dark and cloudy with storms that would break you, if you let them." She shook her head.
"Life sucks at times, and so do people. You find yourself in a situation you have no control over, a situation that makes you want to scream, but you know you can't. You have to hold it in, and pretend to be indifferent. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't." She inhaled, fighting to breathe.
"You cry on the inside, but you know you can't let a single tear fall on the outside. You can't mar your perfect image, you can't display any imperfection, show any weakness or reveal you're distraught. When the panic rises inside of you, you push it down, stomp on it hard and pretend you're okay. You smile, and you pretend. And that's how you make it through the day." She bit her lip to stop it from trembling.
"And then you continue, one day at a time, until you feel like you can't anymore and you're looking for a way out."
He squeezed her hand in comfort. "For a time, you were my way out. At night, when everything was quiet, too quiet, I was always restless. I wasn't used to it. My house was a war zone on most days and the cold war on the rest. Yours, though…"
"It was serene. How messed up it is that I could live through the rampage, but not the calmness and quiet. My mind couldn't shut down, it was always on alert, never gaining a respite, even at your house." She shook her head on a broken laugh.
"I learned to cope without you. It was hard at first, but I managed. I realized it wasn't on you to get me through it. I wasn't your responsibility. You had a life and you had a right to live it, without my drama and all that it entailed."
"My parents will always be my parents and I try avoiding them as much as possible and not let them affect me the way they used to. It got easier when I moved out to go to college, at least I didn't see them as much, only when my presence was demanded and absolutely necessary." Sophie let out an exasperated rumble, making her lower lip flutter for a bit.
Noah smiled at the sound and the face she made.
He knew how much trouble her parents caused her.
He kept quiet and let her talk, get it all out. It was the only way they could proceed.
"I don't resent you, if that is what you're wondering. When you left it was hard, but I learned to stand on my own two feet, I learned to rely on myself and not be dependent on anyone else to get me through the tough days. I developed certain coping mechanisms and eventually I was fine. College was a new spectrum of experiences, some of them good and some bad, but I got through it all and I'm still standing. I'm in my final semester, I'm doing great, although I'm still undecided about what happens next with postgrad. I'm also dealing with my parents and their demands to have the perfect daughter, so they can show off to all their friends." Sophie rolled her eyes at the ridiculousness that were her parents.
"Everything doesn't have to be perfect, not always. And I'm sorry, Sophie. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I was too focused on my own life and my own screw-ups. And after Natasha, things just went haywire for me. I couldn't think about anything and anyone. I focused on getting ahead, just surviving through each day and not letting my anger and my fury choke me to death." He exhaled roughly.
"It shaped me into the way I am, into the man I am today. I won't lie and say I didn't have certain desires before. Natasha and the girls I was with before her were all pretty wiling to experiment and live out their fantasies."
He paused for a brief moment.
"But after what happened with her and Marc, I began to explore that side of me more fully. I emerged myself into the lifestyle that suited me at the time and I learned my needs and cravings, and discovered they run rather dark. Or more precisely into a certain direction that most people would consider dark, but it can be quite beautiful and is extremely satisfactory." He rubbed her knuckles in soothing circles, gently squeezing her hand in reassurance and support.
"I know there are rumors running around about my particular interests, but I need you to know most of them are complete rubbish. Yes, they probably have the basics right, but not the essential particulars. The Devil is in the details, as they say." He smirked and winked at her.
"There is nothing to be afraid of. Everything I ever did was with likeminded and consensual people. And I assure you, everyone involved had been beyond satisfied and pleased with the outcome of our encounter." Noah searched her eyes and held her gaze with his unblinkingly, with complete seriousness.
"I know you've also heard I don't do permanent or anything even remotely resembling a relationship. But… I realize our situation somewhat differs from the rest. You and I have known each other for a long time. I have watched you grow up into the stunning and amazing woman that is sitting before me, and I, I care about you a great deal."
Sophie saw how difficult it was for him to say that, to express his feelings for her, even if they weren't as strong as hers, not that he would know that.
And she had no intention of sharing her own feelings towards him, because she knew he would not appreciate it and would most likely run in the other direction as soon as the words left her mouth.
If she wanted him, she would have to take him as he is and with the conditions he stipulated.
It was better than not have him at all.
She was nervous and a little comprehensive.
She was a virgin and was embarking on a sexual journey with a man who described his sexual interests as somewhat dark. Gulp.
She was most likely biting off more than she could chew and she should be terrified, but all she felt was this calmness and elated anticipation.
When he held her, she felt no fear, his soft composed voice lulled a certain sense of comfort and keenness in her mind and body.
Sophie was eager to try everything he wanted to teach her, even the scary bits. Especially the scary bits, if she was completely honest with herself. She trusted him to take care of her, to guide her, and teach her, to help discover her own desires and make her fantasies come true, while she would do the same for him.
"I know you are not used to this, I can see it embarrasses you to even talk about it, but remember, there is no shame between us. If this is going to work you have to be open to explore your desires, your hidden fantasies and not be afraid to ask for what you want or tell me if something scares you or makes you uncomfortable. I would never force you into anything you weren't willing to do or couldn't handle."
"But I'm not an easy man, and I'm not the carefree boy you remember. The image you have of me, is not who I am today, You need to understand that, before we go any further." He stated firmly.
"I have a set of rules you will need to follow, in and out of the bedroom. I will make concessions for you I don't usually make, since you are new at this, and because you are you, sweet Sophie." He shook his head.
"Honestly, I don't know if what I'm doing is right or the biggest mistake I will ever make and the biggest regret either of us will ever have. But I can't stop thinking about you, and I can't stop this need that is seething inside me, scorching me from the inside out. It's barely contained under the surface and is just waiting for the chance when my guard is down and my control over it crumbles into dust and it can escape it confines and reign free." He confessed in a whisper.
"What if I don't mind if that happens?" Sophie asked softly, uncertainly.
"Trust me, it's best for the both of us if I maintain my control. I already told you, Sophie. I am not an easy man. I maintain control over every aspect of my life, and that won't change. Not for you, not for anyone. I can't allow it to. It's who I am, it's in every part of me, every cell in my body is fused with it. It's what I need. It's my coping mechanism, Sophie."
She nodded, understanding completely. It's how he survived, and now, he can't live without it. It's who and what he is.
"I understand, and I accept the way you are. I'm the last person who would ever judge you, or could, for that matter. I have my own demons, remember." She smiled reassuringly.
He took her hand in both of his, looking into her eyes.
"I will teach you everything you need to know, I will show you everything you'll want me to, and so much more. And I will never take you farther than you're willing to go." He looked into her eyes.
"But be warned, I will test your comfort zones to the brink, I will bend them, but you have my word, I will never break them." He squeezed her hand lightly in a silent promise.
"Pleasure and pain are intertwined together, laced and weaved in a bond of ecstasy, - of rapture and bliss, - of an elation of your senses and your body's nerves until you're soaring so high all you can feel is the joy and the thrill of the fall resulting in a pinnacle of euphoria that will make you believe you've ascended to heaven." Noah looked at her, his mouth lifting at the side into a little half mocking smile, tongue-in-cheek.
"And that's not just my ego talking." He said suggestively.
She laughed at his description.
He had a big ego, that's for sure.
"This is your choice, but we'll be playing by my rules." He spoke softly with vehemence and fervor, and unwavering conviction.
His words echoed inside her mind, igniting her core to a flame of need and desire.
Her choice. His rules.
She breathed in deeply, and made her decision…