CHAPTER 36
"You're finally back," Sam utters casually, her eyes stone cold. Seeing my astonished face upon the sight of the diary, she lifts it up, smirking.
"Did you read my diary?" I manage to ask with much difficulty, as though a fishbone is stuck to my throat.
"Oh . . . tthis? I didn't mean to read it," she says coolly.
"What?" I scoff angrily. "That's my fucking diary!" My body trembles, fear and worries engulfing me wholly.
"I only wanted to return your charger, and by pure coincidence, your lovely diary dropped and flipped." She smiles, a very bitter smile, and I'm stuck to my feet. "Why, Kira? Why this?" she asks me in a soft voice while getting closer.
I press my lips together to repress whatever that's about to burst in me. My worst nightmare is here. I'm not sure which one is scary, between my dreams at night or this foreign situation that I've brought upon myself.
What should I say now? That I'm sorry? That I can explain? Nothing comes to mind, my brain is frozen and my lips are stuck together. Staring at Sam, all I see is pain and rage, and I am the reason why.
"I can explain, Sam," I utter the lamest quip I've ever used before.
Sam laughs incredulously. "Explain? What's there to explain? You want to explain how you've been fooling me this entire time? Or how stupid and laughable I've been to you? Explaining what sort of a friend you truly are? What else do you want to explain?"
"Sam—“
"I just don't believe this," she says, cutting me off, her eyes on the diary. "How could you?" She now faces me, her gaze so impermeable, her usually sassy eyes so dark and clouded. Oh God!
"I didn't mean to do it?" I breathe, for I don't know where my voice went when I need it the most. "I swear, I didn't mean to—“ I pause, sighing, unable to even come up with an intelligent excuse. "I'm sorry," I say in a very defeated tone of voice . . . and I mean it.
Sam strides fiercely and slams the diary on my chest. I stare nervously at her, tears pricking in my eyes. It hurts seeing her glaring at me like a criminal, but I don't know what to say in order for her to understand my defense on this one.
Do I even have a defense?
"Spare me your fucked-up excuses, and much less your crocodile tears," she blatantly nails the words. "You are a traitor . . . a backstabber . . . you're the worst, Kira." She doesn't bark, nor snap, she just sniffles some tears away.
I’m suffocated. "Sam," I utter, shutting my eyes from both lack of words and this feeling as if the world has collapsed on my feet, the air barely enough for my lungs. I'm terrible in arguments, and even more when I'm the guilty one.
"How could you, huh?" Sam utters, disbelief lacing her voice. "After everything I told you, every feeling I shared with you, you still had the guts to betray me like this? Was it fun?" She takes a seat on the bed, as though she can no longer stand up. "Was it fun listening to me whining over and over again that I like him?"
"I'm sorry, Sam. I really wanted to tell you about but I couldn't." I move closer, and she bursts out laughing, making me stop in my tracks.
"You wanted to tell me?" She bolts up furiously. "What did you want to tell me, Kira? That he loves you and not me? That you two have been having a secret romance behind everyone's back? What the fuck did you want to tell me, damn it!" she yells.
I feel like my head's going to burst and everything goes blurred momentarily. Not knowing what Sam is saying right now, I just clear my vision and lift my eyes at her. And that headache I've been feeling comes back. Just great!
"You're right, Sam." I sigh, my defeat evident through my voice. "I'm really sorry that I couldn't tell you sooner. I just didn't know how to do it. I tried but I couldn't stop falling for him, and I don't know what to say about that." I look at her, hoping to at least make her understand me.
Do we have control over our hearts? It suddenly crosses my mind, because it has been difficult governing myself from falling for Liam.
"Oh wow, what an actress!" says Sam with disdain, but I choose to ignore.
"I don't even know how it stared," I say, absentminded, recalling all the encounters that led Liam Darcy engraved in my heart. "But I'm sorry for hiding it, Sam, I just couldn't let it out," I plead, fully aware that it's too late to apologize.
Ignoring my rumble, Sam starts clapping. "Bravo, Kira Jones! Bravo! How easy, huh? You speak as if it's something simple." She grits her teeth, staring at me menacingly.
"What do you want to say, Sam? I don't have anything to say than apologizing for hurting you." I stare beseechingly at her.
"I don't know! At least make up something so that I don't hate you than I already do!" Sam shouts, completely out of her composure. "Look at your face right now. You look like what you did is nothing serious! You seem as if you weren't doing anything wrong all this time! You’re thick-skinned!"
Oh God! A soft sigh leaps out.
"Tell me something, Sam," I say, moving closer to her angry face. "Would it be fine if I told you about it from the start? Because I'm not sure what I had to do, honestly."
"Shut up!" Sam utters between her clenched teeth.
"Would you understand me if I told you that I'm feeling something to the same guy you kept mentioning that you loved?" I keep asking, and Sam eyes me gravely. "It just happened and I have no excuse to make about it! I don't think even if I go back in time I would be able to tell you," I add truthfully.
"You're right, nothing would've changed," Sam says, her voice low. "You know why? Because you're a backstabber from the very beginning."
"Okay, let's go with that. I'm a backstabber who fell for the same guy you did. No, stole him from you. But sorry is the only thing I can say." I can’t argue anymore.
"I can't believe this! So you're trying to excuse yourself by pretending that you had no choice?" Sam is gravely amused.
"No, I'm not making any excuses! The last thing I wanted in my life was hurting you, and you know that perfectly well."
"No, I don't think I know." She shakes her head in denial. "And you've succeeded to hurt me, just so you know, Kira. And I'll never forgive you for this."
"Sam," I breathe, "I'll understand if you decide to do so. But truly, I'm really sorry."
"With that face of yours, everyone thinks you're a saint," Sam snarls with a fine deliberate to hurt me, which works perfectly. "The nice one." She twirls around me. "The good one . . . Always the loved one." Now she stops moving.
"Sam, that's not true." I wipe off the fallen drop.
"And of course I'm the bad one, right? So tell me, Kira, how did you seduce him?" she mockingly asks. "How were his kisses like?" she adds, and I swallow the anger that's slowly consuming my soul. "What about his caresses? Did you have sex with him? How was it?"
"Stop it, Sam," I breathe.
"You're shutting me up? Why? Don't you want to talk about Mr. Darcy?" she keeps talking, and as if the mentioning of the name reminds her of something, she suddenly huffs. "Mr. Darcy? So that was just an act? What a pro, huh? You're really something else, best friend. What else are you hiding? Do I even know you, Kira Jones? Who are you really?"
I just cry like a fool, letting Sam's words pierce in my heart like a katana. Do I have the right to get mad at her? Then why am I so angry at her right now?
"Okay, that's enough!" I snap, taking a long breath of composure. "I'm not standing here listening to every bit of your insults!"
"How dare you!" she exclaims, her eyes aflame.
"I don't know what else to do, Sam." I slowly move my legs away from her and sit on the bed, feeling physically weak now. "I made a mistake. I shouldn't have allowed myself to love Liam. Is that what you want to hear?" I ask her, and she says nothing. "Well, I won't say such a thing because loving him is not a mistake and I refuse to think that it is."
"Love? Did you just say love?" Sam utters, amused. "Oh please, Kira, don't make me laugh."
"Yes, Sam. Love," I say weakly, lifting my tired eyes up at her. "I do love Liam Darcy, and I'm not ashamed to say it loudly."
"Oh." Sam folds her arms across her chest, staring at me in a derisive manner. "How lovely," she utters.
"Let me ask you something.” I rise up once again. "What is it that you're angry about? Is it because I fell in love with Liam? Or that I didn't tell you about it?" I look her straight in the eyes, and the anger in them is increasingly visible. "If I'd told you the truth, would you've allowed it to go on?"
We both hold our tongues, beholding each other's gaze for a few seconds.
"Never!" Sam answers, her teeth clenched. "I'd never let that happen!" She moves her face closer to mine while saying this.
"Why?" I squint my eyes as I try to scrutinize her reactions. "Because you love him? Do you really love him, Sam? Can you honestly say that you love him?" I ask more strenuously.
"What are you trying to say, huh?" Sam snorts disdainfully, her face guarded that I can no longer tell if the question disturbs her or not.
"That I don't believe it," I reply. "I don't think you're angry because you love him! Nor because I hid the truth from you! I know you so well, Samantha. The only reason that makes you angry right now is the fact that it's Kira who's been standing in your way!"
"Shut up!" she snaps.
"An insignificant best friend of yours who is nothing compared to you, am I wrong?" I also raise my voice.
"Shut up!"
"He's not your type, Kira. He's too good for you. It's what you always tell me. But why? Why are they always good for you but not me? Why don't you give me the chance to make my own choices? Have you ever sat down and ask what I want? No. My choices are always limited. They are either too good or not good enough."
"Stop making things up!" she lashes. "I'm not like that! I only tried to protect you so that won't make a fool out of yourself!"
"Oh really?" I laugh, letting the tears flow as they please. "Because I'm too naive to take care of myself, huh?" She clenches her fists. "Because to you I'm just a stupid girl who doesn't even know what she wants with her life."
"So, are you happy now that you've proved to be a great seductress?" Sam questions, arms folded across her chest. "You have them all at your leash, right? Liam, Malik, and even Jeremy that I always suspected he had a thing for you."
"No," I say unwaveringly. "I'm only happy because for the first time in my life I found someone who saw a value in me. Someone who took me as I am, without putting the buts, nor trying to change a thing. He accepted me, as boring as I am, and that is something I've always wished for. I knew you'd never understand even if I told you this. Everything has always been about you, Sam, and I just had to follow through. But this time, I don't regret anything, even if you condemn me as if I'm the most evil person in the world."
"You bitch!" I feel is a heavy slap on my face, which makes me cock my head momentarily.
Without making a face or grimacing from the pain, I slowly fix myself with a bold sigh.
"Does that make you feel better?" I ask softly, making sure that I don't break down so easily. "Would you like to slap me again?"
"You-know-nothing!" Sam snarls, speaking between her gritted teeth. "You don't know anything about what I feel being your shadow."
"What are you talking about?" I ask with squinted eyes, so bemused.
"You always take the spotlight," she answers, and it's a real shock to me, I swear. "Always making me feel inferior, the second best, and I hate it!" she yells to my face. "I saw him first. I liked him first, and you know that!"
"Do you even realize what sort of nonsense you're talking about right now?" I ask, totally amazed by the ability she has to victimize herself. Always the victim. "Sam, this is real life, for God's sake! We're not kids! We're in no competition!"
"No!" she says loudly.
"Okay, fine. Have it your way," I say in a resigned manner, fagged. "But I've never compared myself to you! In fact, I never desire to get the attention you always deem to have. It's so disappointing that up until now you know so little about me."
"You're a traitor, and I'll never ever forgive you for this! You hear me? Never!" Her voice is promising and I’m dismayed. "And I'd rather not see your shameless face for as long as I live."
"Don't worry about that," I utter painfully. "As you can see, I'm already packed and I'll leave this place right away as I've been planning to. You won't have to wear a mask just so you won't see my face."
"Yeah, you better!" Sam says. "You can even die while at it!"
My heart sinks.