Ch3
If it weren’t for Neal, I would have lost my job and gone to prison. When I found out Nancy was cheating on me and who the guy was(I think he name was Gary), I wanted to kill him. I beat him up, but it was Neal who convinced him not to press charges. I didn’t care about anything at that time. My mind was so exhausted. I’m pretty sure I was already getting depression at the time, so you can’t blame me for exploding.
Neal was my only brother. I haven’t heard from my sister Angela for a long time, and I am not even sure if she is still alive. She left home a long time ago after she fought with our father. I think our parents’ divorce really shook her up. Later, I learned it not only affected her, but Neal also. But he lived his life normally, unlike Angela and me who ran away from all her problems.
I will never forget what he told me right before he died. My heart was pounding as I walked in the hospital; the smell of blood and chemicals made me spin. I was going crazy worrying about him. I wanted so badly for him to be alright.
I saw Neal on the bed. He had many bloody bandages and he was barely breathing. My heart ached for my injured brother. When he saw me, he tried to move he wanted me closer. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t hold it together.
“Don’t worry. I am happy. Please take care of my family,” he said quietly. Shortly after, he passed away. I saw his last moment, and he was smiling. I could not understand how that was possible. I had known him for all my life… I knew he was a positive person, but how could he smile? He had lived his life to the fullest, always happy, working hard, and enjoying every moment. He was about to lose everything he had built, but he left it with a smile. How? I always wished I had died instead of him.
Neal knew how to love others and he was loved by many. I am exactly the opposite. He was prudent, but easy going. I was always picky and careless. I often drove after I drank, but Neal never did. Neal always followed the rules and laws; I got so many tickets from officers. He was responsible, and I was always blaming other people for my lack of responsibility. Yet he died, and I survived.
After Neal passed away, I couldn’t hear about John and Hannah. I would be lying if said I never wondered about them. After all, they were still my children. I refused to hear about Nancy. She married the guy she had run off with, and I assumed they were happy.
I am still alive because of everything that Neal told me. I have no reason to live, but I am still living. For some reason, I feel responsible for Neal’s death. I keep going to work, and endure what other people say behind my back. I am still seeing my therapist because Neal asked me to do it. I am not smoking or doing drugs. I am keeping every promise that I made to Neal. I miss him so much.
-R-
-I have thought about committing suicide. yes o no o
-I wake up often during the night. yes o no o
-I hate the people around me. yes o no o
-I often talk about my feelings to others. yes o no o
-It makes me nervous being with other people. yes o no o
Robert was checking the answers one by one on the tablet. These were the questions that he answered a million times. Going to counseling once every other week wasn’t a huge burden, but he did not like answering questions over and over again. Seeing a psychologist did not help much, but the medicines they gave to Robert helped him to calm down. Over the last 12 years, he had seen three different psychologists, but he liked his current one the most. The reason was simple. He did not bother Robert as much. Robert did not like talking about his feelings to other people and Dr. Albert was willing to work with him.
“Mr. Mitchell.” A nurse called Robert’s name. He slowly walked to her and passed the tablet.
“Are you finished?” Robert nodded instead of saying yes.
The nurse was used to dealing with these kinds of people. Robert went into the office. Dr. Albert was reading Robert’s files. He used his glasses when he read, but took them off when he spoke to his patients.
“Hi. Robert. How are you today?”
“I’m good.” Robert answered shortly and sat down on the couch.
“How was the past two weeks?”
“Good.”
“Did anything happen?”
“…No.” Robert shook his head without any facial expression.
“Why do you think they were good?”
“Well. Hmm. Nothing bad happened.”
“Ok.” Dr. Albert smiled, used to Robert’s shortness.
”Do you want to talk about something before we start?”
“No…”
“Well, I do.” Dr. Albert smiled and said. “You know there is an apple festival in two weeks. The Apple Blossom.”
“I… didn’t know.” In fact, Robert knew. He saw the ads on T.V. and on the street quite often.
“Yeah, we have it every year, you know. This year, we are having a picnic.”
“We…?”
“Yes. That includes you, Robert. You and the other patients.” Robert felt annoyed.
“I… um. I don’t think I can go.”
“Why?”
“I will be working that day.”
“We will have it on Saturday.”
“I think… I will work.” Robert said without making eye contact. Dr. Albert exhaled lightly.
“Robert. Do you know how long we’ve been meeting?”
“I don’t know.”
“It’s been four years. In that time, how much do you think you’ve improved?” Robert did not answer.
“Robert, if you don’t take my suggestions, there will be no progression. You always keep to yourself.”
“Well, I think I am improving…” Robert responded with a small voice.
“Well, Robert. You said the other day to me that you are taking counseling because Neal asked you to.” Robert’s heart dropped when Dr. Albert mentioned Neal’s name.
“You need to practice being with other people and interact with them again. Especially, like last Christmas. You were alone in your house. I invited you. You did not come and you drank all day.”
“But I think I am...”
“Well,” Dr. Albert, cutting Robert off. “If you don’t come to the picnic, I don’t think I can help you anymore. I will transfer you to another doctor.” Robert realized that Dr. Albert would not budge.
“Ok. I’ll… go.” Robert replied hesitantly.
“Good. Four hours. It will only take you four hours.” Robert nodded.
Dr. Albert clicked the mouse and brought up the results of the questionnaire that Robert just finished.
“Ok. It seems good. Did you do anything else besides going to work?”
“Um…I guess not.”
“Is the medicine working alright?”
“Yes…”
Most of his counseling was the same. Robert never told everything to Dr. Albert. He did not open up to anybody. Robert did not trust anybody fully, but Dr. Albert came close. From time to time, Robert could feel that Dr. Albert actually cared about him. Sometimes Robert liked to talk since he hardly talked to anybody outside of work. However, he still did not talk about his feelings much. Dr. Albert told him many times that if he did not talk, it would be hard for him to progress. Robert did not care about making his life better. He did not like to talk about his past, and he did not have much expectation for his future.
It was dark when he finished his counseling. Robert sighed and slowly walked to his car. He wondered how long he would live like this. The only tiny bit of progress he had made since Neal’s accident was that he had stopped drinking and driving. That was it. Everything else was getting worse. Robert did not fear death. He thought he had nothing to lose, and he thought his life was not worth living. All of sudden, he missed Neal so much. He loved Robert more than Robert himself. Tears came out of Roberts’ eyes and it did not stop for a while.
After he calmed down, Robert drove to. Yesterday, he realized he drank most of his beer. He felt slightly tempted to drink liquor. After he bought a couple boxes of beer, he did not know what else to buy. He pushed his cart from place to place like a paper boat on a pond. He grabbed random items that he saw. He wondered, Do I need eggs? He did not even remember what was in his fridge. When Robert put 18 large eggs in his cart, he heard laughing; it was a familiar voice. Robert saw Sara walking down the aisle with her friend. Every time, every time when I see her, she is laughing and smiling. What makes her so happy? When Sara and her friend came close, he turned his head the other way. Robert thought she looked like somebody, but he was not sure who it was. When he tried to see her again, Sara was already walking away. He was watching her walking away and realized she looked like Audrey Hepburn. He wanted to see her again, and see if Sara really looked like Audrey. He realized he was walking after her. What am I thinking...jeez. Robert exhaled and turned his cart to the frozen food section. He added about 10 microwavable meals to his cart and moved to the fruit section to buy fruit for his drink. After he picked up four bananas and five oranges, he saw apples on display. He approached the display and picked up one of them. He smelt it. Robert thought the red, shiny apples were pretty. All of a sudden the apple scent became stronger.
"These apples look great!"
He heard the girl's voice. When he turned his head, he found Sara standing right next to him.
"Mm~ I love apples!" Sara sounded excited. She grabbed a bag and started putting apples in. Robert did not know what to say; Sara kept talking.
"My father really likes apples so we ate them almost every day. We had two apple trees in my backyard." Robert realized she smelled like an apple. That strong apple scent was coming from her.
"Look, this one looks great." Sara passed an apple to Robert. He awkwardly took it. At that moment, he made eye contact with her emerald, green eyes.
"Why, yes." Sara pulled off a plastic bag and gave it to Robert.
"Thanks." His hand shook putting the apples into the bag.
"Do you remember me?" Robert forced himself to speak.
"Yes, Mr. Mitchell. I’m Sara. Mrs. Olverman is my grandmother. I borrowed the hammer from you, and I also saw you at the park downtown the other day."
"Oh, y-yes. You are right. I remember."
"Do you work downtown?"
"Yes, at the stock market company." Robert kept putting apples in the bag.
"Hey, Sara, are you done?" Her friend was walking toward them. Sara was tightening a bag and said. “This is my roommate Michelle. Michelle, this is Mr. Mitchell. He’s our neighbor.” Michelle had short blonde hair, and a round face with glasses. She was a little bit shorter than Sara. Michelle smiled and said hi and Robert responded with a head nod. He wasn’t much for talking. Sara put her bag of apples in the cart.
“Have a good night!” Sara walked, taking the scent of apples with her. Robert was holding an apple in his hand and thought. Hmmm…She does look like Audrey Hepburn.