Ch5
Depression is such a strong disease. I think it is a virus that we cannot see. The virus invades our soul and sucks our energy, just like parasites. It takes root in our mind. It takes our will of living by slowly taking the color out of our lives. That dark feeling shakes my life and drives me crazy. It would not let me think straight, and it would not let me do anything else, but hurt myself. Once emotion takes over my rational thoughts, I cannot see the bright side of life.
I would be lying if I said I never thought about killing myself. However, I do not think like that anymore. I just wish I could stop living. They seem similar, but different. I felt like this for a long time. Every day when I come back to my empty house after work, before I go to bed, or just like Dr. Albert told me, when I spend the holiday by myself, I ask myself, Why I am doing this or what am I doing here? I wish everything would just stop. Waking up every day is painful, so I wish I could just die in my sleep.
When was it? When did the parasite come into my life? I remember when my parents separated. It was a very long time ago. All I remember is I was really sad and it’s been hard to get over. Maybe everything started from that time. I was sure that I would not live like my father, but yet here I am.
I need to drink. It eases everything. It will not solve the problem, but it is the only thing that gets me through the day.
-R-
The sunshine coming through the window woke Robert. He could hear the birds chirping outside. The night was more comfortable than usual. It had been a long time since Robert had woken up this early on a Saturday. The T.V. was on and was playing 'Breakfast at Tiffany's.' He could not see the screen well, but he recognized the sound. He memorized the lines in the movie. He found the glasses under the couch. He exhaled and walked to the kitchen. He saw the mound of dirty dishes in the sink. While he drank a cup of water, he gathered the trash on the floor by his feet. He felt the wind come through the kitchen window, where he could see Mrs. Olverman’s house. Where Sara lived.
He opened the refrigerator. It was full of beer with other miscellaneous products. He did not remember when or why he bought them. He recognized plastic bags with fruit in it. He took out an apple. He rubbed it on his shirt and took a bite. He sat down in his kitchen chair and finished his apple. He sat there for a while, then started cleaning the kitchen. The microwave clock said it was 9:30 a.m.
Robert washed all the dishes first. Some of the food was rotten in the sink; it stunk. Robert almost gagged. Since he did not know how to use his dishwasher, he did not even try; he had to wash everything by hand. He did not mind. He thought the warm water felt good. After he cleaned his dishes, he cleaned the kitchen floor. Plastic bags were everywhere, and they had been there for a long time. Robert realized he never cleaned the house after his family moved out. He threw out the piles of trash. After he finished the kitchen, he realized that his living room was chaos, which he never realized before.
He found clothes and socks everywhere. Since he did not do laundry often, he kept buying more clothes, and they were all over the house. Piled beer cans littered the floor. He opened the windows, and the front door to ventilate the old air. Fresh air felt pretty nice to Robert. He kept cleaning the house. He turned the T.V. volume up, and listened to it while he was cleaning. He put out the bags of trash. He piled up the laundry and kept his washing machine busy. He ate a microwave meal while watching a movie. After he opened the blinds, he could see people outside on the street. After the movie finished, he stood up. The living room without garbage looked much bigger than before. He vacuumed the floor. All kinds of stuff that had been on the floor had been sucked into his vacuum. But as he was about to vacuum under the couch, he realized there was something under it. He reached under and pulled the object out. It was a plate with brownie crumbs on it. He realized that it was from Sara three weeks ago. He put the plate in the sink in the kitchen. When he saw the clean living room, he felt fresh. Next, he went to the garage. Trash and broken pieces of many items were spread across the floor.
He found boxes of his in the corner. He could not remember what was in them. Light came into the garage. He organized big stuff, and took the trash out. After working 30-40min, the garage looked much cleaner. There were still parts to clean, but he had to take a rest because Robert felt fatigued. He realized he was old and his health was bad. Maybe that was because he did not exercise, drank every day, and ate only unhealthy food. He opened a beer, and sat down on the garage floor. It was quiet. There were many people outside before, but now they were all gone. The only thing he could hear was his own breathing. He put his head between his knees and closed his eyes. He was not sure if he was feeling emptiness or peace. He stayed like that for a while before he slowly stood up. He saw the boxes again. He approached them and opened one. There was a lot of dust; it made Robert cough. He took the tape off, and opened it. Those were Robert's old belongings.
He found the notes that he used in college and all his text books. Business, Economics, Management and some others. They brought memories back to Robert. When he was young, he was very ambitious. He wanted to be a huge successful businessman. He wanted to build his own company, buy other businesses, and become a millionaire. People would look up to him; everybody would pay attention to him. His name would be on T.V. and International News. He believed he could do it. He was ready.
However, instead of that, he married too soon, and John was born. He could not follow his plan, but he got a job in the stock market company. At that time, it should have been his temporary job—just to have experience and provide for his family, but he was still at the same job. Robert opened the next box. It was filled with his old clothes. He moved it to the side to throw it away later.
He opened the next box. Inside were his high school yearbooks and family photos. He read what other people wrote in his yearbook. You are amazing Robert. You are talented. You are one of the best people I know. He was very popular in high school. He was a little taller than average, and he was good looking. He played a lot of sports like basketball and football. He wasn’t the star of the team or the MVP, but he was definitely essential to the team. Most of the students in his school knew him, and many of the girls chased after him. He thought he was cool and only hung out with his popular group of friends. He often ignored Neal and his sister. He knew many people but he only had a few friends that he could share his thoughts with. However, he lost touch with them after he went to college.
His popularity continued in college, too. He met Nancy at a party. Nancy was a very pretty girl. Other guys were always jealous of him for being with her and for Nancy it was the same. She also enjoyed the attention. Later, Nancy got pregnant, but people still admired them. They decided to get married. However, relationships founded on vanity can never last. They were attracted to each other, but did not love each other. Nancy was never sure if she loved Robert or not, but Robert was sure that his feelings towards Nancy were solely based on her appearance. They did not care for each other and they fought often. When John turned three years old, Robert realized that he made a mistake. He thought arguing or fighting with his wife was natural because that was what his parents did, but it was not. It was not the right thing. He always told himself that he would not follow in his father’s footsteps, so he forced himself to maintain his marriage. However, when Hannah was born, he finally ran out of patience. He felt stuck, like he would not be able to achieve his goals. He drank often and did not like coming home. Years later, he found out Nancy was cheating on him, and their marriage was over.
Robert found John and Hannah's pictures. He missed them. Now he regretted what he did, but it was too late. It took a long time for him to realize how much he loved his children. He didn’t know before, because he had always put himself before his family. He craved alcohol. He stood up and put everything but the family picture in the dumpster. He took it inside with him and watched some T.V.
Later that day, he changes his clothes and drove outside of the city; he needed fresh air. He went to a small restaurant called "Henry's.” He always sat next to the window where he could see the mountains and the lake around the restaurant. Robert went there every month. Neal found this place and brought Robert.
“It is pretty around here. This will help soothe your mind, and the food here is really good. Don't you think so?” They had this conversation the first time Robert came here. Neal was right; Robert liked the place. There were always only a few people there and quiet classical music was always on.
He decided to order chicken pasta. He could only finish half of the meal. It was weird that he could only eat a little bit no matter how hungry he was. "Do you need anything else?" the waitress asked him. "No. I am good," he answered. When the waitress turned around, Robert called her. "Wait, do you have brownies?"
"Yes, we do."
"I will have brownies."
"Ok," she replied. He had desert for the first time in that restaurant. It was actually pretty good. It was a good day for him. He slept well and cleaned the house. He felt so good that he paid a generous tip to the waitress.
"Thanks for coming; have a great day." The cashier smiled and said as Robert tried to smile back at her. After he got out of the restaurant, he walked around the forest. It was filled with fresh air.
Instead of going back home, he went to the store. He put meat and vegetables in his cart. He bought fresh bread and milk. He went to every corner of store just like he was looking for something. On the way home, he turned the radio on and opened the window. Wind felt so good to him. When he came home, he saw his cell phone glowing on the table. He put down his groceries and checked his phone. There was a missed call, and it was from John. He exhaled. He was not sure if he wanted to call his son. He sat down on the couch. It took a long time for him to dial. The phone started ringing. The phone rang once, then twice, and then three times. Robert was getting more nervous to talk to his son.
"Hello? Dad?" John answered the phone.
"Yes. It's me. You called me today."
"I did. I talked to mom. She tried to talk to you, but you didn't meet her."
"Yes, she did." Robert was disappointed that John didn’t ask how he was doing.
"Uh, Mom is not doing well financially. It is kind of serious.”
“So..?”
“Could you help her?"
“Do I want to help her? That witch!” Robert started getting upset. "I don't have any money to give her. I told her clearly!"
"I know you don't like her. But you should help her. She is having a tough time."
“I am having a hard time, too. I am the one who is suffering!' Robert restrained himself from revealing his thoughts to his son. "I will not help her."
"Come on, dad. She doesn’t have anywhere else to go. You should help her."
"Should? Why do I should help her?"
"Why can't you think about us for once? We all had hard time because of you! So just help her once."
"Why? Why am I the only one to blame?!" Robert yelled at John. He could not hold his anger anymore. “Selfish. Everybody is so selfish. Why do I have to be the bad guy? Why is everything blamed on me! She is responsible too! I don’t have extra money I can just give away!"
"Wait, listen. It’s not..."
Robert hung up the phone and threw it to the wall. The battery fell out of the phone. He was furious. A dark shadow seeped inside him. Depression started to surround him. He put a pill in his mouth and started drinking. So much for a good day, I should’ve known better. Every time I start to get myself together, something always ruins it. He drank and drank until he lost consciousness. By the next day, most of the groceries had gone bad and he threw them away.