Ch6
When I divorced Nancy, my children were in middle school and elementary school. I don’t quite remember all the details though. My memories are like ripped, and blurred pictures. At that time, I had just gotten out of jail for assaulting Gary, the guy who had an affair with Nancy. I beat him pretty bad, and he was in the hospital for weeks. Neal convinced Nancy and Gary to drop the charges, but the divorce was still on. I went to Nancy’s sister’s house to sign the divorce papers.
“Robert, John and Hannah are afraid of you. You beat Gary and he almost died.” Nancy glared at me, and I was still mad at her.
“Yeah, but he didn’t die! Look at you still taking his side. This is your fault as well! Do they know what you did to me?” I tried to see John and Hannah upstairs.
“You are a terrible husband and a terrible human being! You don’t have any right to see my children.” Nancy tried to stop me.
“They are my children too. Now, get out of my way.”
“No. I won’t. You can’t see them.”
“Why?”
“I told you! They are afraid of you, and they hate you!” She held me back and yelled at me. “Keep your promise! You said you would divorce me and give the children to me! That’s why we dropped the charges!”
“I know, you freak; I just want to see them!” I was so mad at her and pushed her roughly; she fell down the stairs. When I turned to the stairs I saw John and Hannah looking down at me.
“Hey…” I wished they did not see that.
“Don’t come up here.” John said. I was not sure what he was saying at first. “Please don’t come to us.” John said it again.
I looked at Nancy. “What did you say to them?”
“I did not say anything. It’s you. It has always been you!” Nancy yelled at me.
“Don’t hurt mom!” Hannah yelled at me. She was crying. “We don’t like you, Dad! You never cared about us! Gary came to my school’s play. Gary is always with us and you hit him. You tried to kill him. I hate you!”
“What---?” I didn’t know about this. However, what Hannah said to me made me upset.
“Who do you think you are talking to? You don’t know anything about what happened!” I yelled at her while I was approaching them and Hannah scared of me and ran away, and John was glaring at me. Nancy held me back again.
“Please, just leave, and don’t come back here. You don’t need us anyway.”
After I heard that from Nancy, I could not stay there anymore. I got out of the house. The cold air hit my skin. It was true what Nancy said. I always worked. I wanted to be rich. I wanted to find happiness in my work. I wanted my dreams to come true. At least, I did not cheat on her. My children do not know what Nancy did. That’s why they reacted like that. If they had understood they wouldn’t have pushed me away.
They did not change their attitude towards me, even though they grew older and understood more of the situation. I got mad at them. However, slowly, I realized that I started missing my children. I did not know how much I loved them before I lost them. I started drinking a lot at that time, and started getting depressed. I did not go to work and I almost got fired. It was ironic. I used to think I could work better if I didn’t have a family, but I could not work at all after I lost them. I tried to meet my children, but they never wanted to. No matter how many presents I gave them, or how much I regretted it, I was too late. I talked to John a couple times, but Hannah never wanted to see me. I shouldn’t have yelled at her that day. Several years later, when Neal died, I broke because I had lost the only family that still loved me.
-R-
After he talked to John, Robert felt very tired and sick. He rested all day Sunday. He had a headache form his hangover. He kept having hallucinations of his children standing in front of him. They kept telling him how much they hated him. They had the appearance of children, but their voices were grown up. They did not stop yelling at Robert. “Shut up! Shut up!” He shouted and woke up. “What do you want…oh yeah. Money…”
Robert wondered why he did not change his phone number. It was simple. He expected his children to call him. He had a hope that someday things would get better. He was wrong. Robert slowly sat up, but his head hurt too much, so he laid down again.
All of sudden he wanted to see the ocean. He really wanted to walk on the beach that he walked on with his family a long time ago. He tried to remember that moment. The sky was blue and the emerald water glistened. He was walking with his parents and siblings. He felt loved. I want to leave. I need to go to that place. I don’t know if I have enough money, but I can’t live like this anymore.
He went to the kitchen and drank a beer. Cool beer made him feel better. It was passing 4 p.m. After a few long hours of sleep, he was still tired. He felt hungry so he drank more beer. He heard someone talking next door. He walked to the window. It was Sara and some other girls. It seemed like they were preparing a barbeque.
“I need some gas,” said the girl with the red T-shirt.
“Here, I’ll get some.” He heard a familiar voice; it was Sara. Sara walked out of her house with the gas.
“It’s out. We need more.”
“Do we have to go to the store?” asked the girl with black hair. Robert remembered he had barbeque gas in his garage.
“I will go see if I can borrow,” Sara said.
“What about the guy who you met the other day?” Michelle said and the other girls hooted and hollered.
“No. I don’t think so.” Sara shook her head.
“You are so popular, Sara,” black haired girl said.
“No. It’s not like that. He was just a guy in town and I ...”
Robert realized that he was eavesdropping on them. He came back to the living room and turned the television on, but he did not watch the television. He was spacing out. But when somebody knocked on his door, he stood up really fast. He went to the door and opened it. Sara was standing there.
“Hi, Mr. Mitchell! How are you today?” Sara said with a smile.
“Uh, I am good.” Robert answered shortly. “How about you?”
“I am very good. Thanks. Uh…”
“Do you need something?” Robert asked before Sara could say anything.
“Actually, yes, do you happen to have any barbeque gas I can borrow? I will buy you a new one later.”
“Oh sure, I do have one. Wait.” Robert smiled awkwardly. Oh my…what am I doing? Robert felt embarrassed because that was not how he acted usually. He went to the garage and grabbed the gas and gave it to Sara.
“Thanks, Mr. Mitchell.”
“You’re welcome.” Sara turned around and Robert called her. “Wait.”
“Yes?”
“You don’t have to buy a new one. Just bring it back when you are done.”
“Ok. Thanks.”
Robert felt so stupid. He did not need gas, and he just did not want Sara to buy new stuff for him. He came back to his couch and turned the television volume down. He could hear the girls faintly. He was concerned that Sara thought he was weird. He went to the kitchen and took out a new beer.
“Who did you borrow it from?” someone asked Sara.
“Mr. Mitchell from next door.”
“Oh, him. I think he looks sad.”
“Really? I think he is kind.”
I look sad… Robert went to the living room and checked himself in the mirror. He did look sad… and messy. He did not speak often, but no one told him that ‘he looked sad.’ He tried to smile, but felt very awkward.
It was mid-spring and the sun was staying out longer. It was still bright outside at 6 p.m. There was a crime show on television and he was reading a news article on his laptop. Maybe if I had a dog, I wouldn’t look so sad. He stopped reading his article and started searching for dogs. Dr. Albert suggested that he raise a pet, but he ignored it before. Maybe it will be better to have a pet. I just need to be here one more year. After one year, he could retire and go to California. He would be free then.
He heard someone knocking on the door. He stood up really fast as soon as he heard the knocking. When he opened the door, he saw Sara’s roommate standing there. He felt strange, almost like he was disappointed.
“Hi, Mr. Mitchell. Here is the gas we borrowed, and this is a hamburger. I hope you like it.” Sara’s roommate said stuff really fast, but Robert was only focusing on ‘not looking sad.’
“It looks good. Thanks.” He smiled at her. Even though it was not Sara, for some reason, he thought Sara may have asked her roommate to bring him the hamburger. He had a bite and he realized he had not eaten anything. The hamburger tasted so good to him and he ate it very fast. He took the plate to kitchen. There was no one outside. Cool wind came into his house through the window. He felt energy after he ate food. He opened his laptop again and typed ‘Fun pets’ into Google.