Ch12
Can people live more meaningful lives when they know when they are going to die? I have been counting the number of days that I will be alive. Every morning, the first thing I do is check the tattoos of the petals on my body. They are disappearing one by one every day. I am dying. It is still sinking in.
My days used to be boring and meaningless, but now I am trying my best to spend my time the way I should’ve been. I am not sure what I really need to do. Should I travel? Sell my stuff? Eat delicious food? I have been searching for something significant to do. Why couldn’t I have lived like this before? I victimized myself and always focused on what I lost. I was addicted to alcohol and loneliness. I gave my energy to those things, and they devoured me. My heart was dead and a man with a dead heart cannot do anything for himself.
-R-
- Can you come to my house tomorrow at 6:30, and will you be able to drive?
- Yes, but is it really ok if I don't know how to dance?
- It's fine. They will teach you at the beginning and I can also teach you, too.
- Ok, see you tomorrow.
"Hmm." Robert looked up at the ceiling after texting Sara. Boldo turned his head and checked Robert and kept watching television. Robert did not want to embarrass himself in front of Sara, so he stood up and pretended to dance. Boldo scoffed.
"What are you doing? Preparing to be a professional ballerina?"
"Yes. I have to learn how to dance or I will embarrass myself in front of Sara and all her friends."
"You have to use that to your advantage."
"What?"
"Since you are not good at dancing, you ask her to teach you. Then, just stick right next to her the whole night."
"That's a good idea." Robert thought Boldo was good at manipulating situations.
The next day, Robert took Sara, Michelle and Jack to the dance. Robert did not like Michelle sitting next him instead of Sara, but he tried not to show it.
"We met before. Sara told me a lot about you." Michelle said, but Robert was only paying attention to Sara and Jack in the back seat.
"Yeah, I heard about you, too." Robert tried to be friendly with Michelle.
"I originally had to work tonight, but I switched my shift with my friend," Michelle said, and Robert replied every time when she said something, but he was distracted by Jack and Sara.
Robert wanted to pay for Sara, but he could not as a group. After they arrived, Robert met two more girls. One was slightly overweight and shorter with black hair, and the other one had brown hair and a pretty face, but seemed cold. They said their names were Bailey and Jennifer. There were a lot of different people there. Before everything started, a guy in a suit came to the middle of the floor.
"Thanks for coming to our dance tonight. I have an announcement. Unfortunately, we won't be able to hold our weekly dances for two months due to construction." People groaned and booed. "We may continue doing this at another location, so please follow us on Facebook and Twitter. It is 'Dance Community in Camas.' Thanks everyone, and enjoy tonight."
Today could be my last night dancing with her. Robert was a little bit disappointed because going to a dance every week would be a good chance to spend time with Sara. At the beginning of the dance, instructors taught people some of the more basic moves. Sara helped him and Jennifer with the new steps. He tried hard, but he could only do a basic step and turn. Jack seemed to know what he was doing. As soon as the dance started, he asked Sara to dance and they seemed to be having fun. Robert never paid attention to the formal dancing. He thought the waltz was a boring dance, but now it became a great tool to spend quality time with Sara. He was jealous of every guy who danced with her. Robert tried to dance with girls, but it was much harder than he thought. I was good at sports, but this is totally different. After he stepped on girls’ feet and made mistakes for a while, he stopped dancing. The funny thing was, girls kept trying to talk to Robert and asked him to dance anyways. He went out of the dancing room. He felt like he was being tortured. Dancing was very hard for him. He drank water from the water fountain and shook his head.
"Are you tired?" When Robert turned his head, he found Jennifer standing behind him.
"No, I'm fine but dancing is not my thing." He smiled and stepped back. Jennifer drank water and said, "It's easy for girls because guys have to lead."
"I guess so..."
"You need to dance with Sara and Michelle. They are pretty good."
"Well." Robert was not sure if he wanted to do that because he was sure that he would only get in their way.
"Do you want to sit?" Jennifer pointed to the bench.
"Sure." They both sat down and started talking. Robert thought Jennifer was very pretty.
"How long have you known them?"
"I met Sara a couple months ago, and Michelle and I were friends since we were young. I met Bailey in high school." Jennifer stared at Robert and continued to speak.
"I’m getting a strange feeling from you."
"What?" Robert was surprised.
"I'm not sure. You are just. I don't know. Different."
"Oh, is that a good thing?" Robert wondered if Jennifer had some kind of spiritual power.
"Do you believe in psychics and stuff?" Robert asked.
"I do. People think I am crazy, but I think they are real."
"You aren’t crazy. They are real. I believe in them, too." Jennifer seemed quite surprised by Robert.
"Thanks. You are great." Jennifer seemed happy and smiled at Robert. There was an awkward energy between them.
"Let's go back. Dance with me. I am not good at dancing either." Jennifer giggled. She had small hands. She and Robert danced very slowly. When they made mistakes, they both laughed. It was comfortable for Robert. He wished Jennifer was Sara. They went back to the side after the dance, and somebody held Robert's hand from behind.
"Hey, Joe!" It was Sara. "Dance with me." She pulled his hand.
"Sure."
Robert took Sara to the hall. He did his best not to make mistakes. He could see her face straight. Her green eyes were beautiful and clear. Robert could see his reflection through her eyes. Her lips were a peachy color. Her white simple dress had a red ribbon belt, and it fit her very well. Robert thought she was like a goddess from a fairytale. Sara danced like a bird; on the other hand, Robert moved like a broken cultivator.
"Like this, step forward on your right leg." Sara was kindly teaching Robert. Robert tried to follow her direction.
"Are you enjoying it?" Sara asked.
"Oh, yes. It's very fun." Robert was actually having a hard time. Robert missed the step and stepped on Sara. "Sorry."
"That's fine." Sara laughed. Robert wished the dance lasted forever. He was very disappointed when the dance ended.
"You did great. You are a fast learner," Sara said with big smile. Robert was going to say thank you to Sara, but another man snatched Sara.
"Sorry, I'll talk to you later," Sara said looking behind. Robert wanted to punch the guy. It seemed like he knew her. They were talking and the guy was a really good dancer. Robert was frustrated. He saw Jack dancing with different girls. Robert sighed. When he was watching other people dancing he felt out of place. He saw Michelle coming to him. She pointed to a group of girls on the side and said,
"You should ask one of them to dance."
"Yeah, ok."
Robert went to them and started talking. It had been a long time, but he remembered how he used to pick up girls. Even decades later, girls were still the same. He danced with some of them; it was still hard, but he somehow made it fun. Some of them were actually pretty, but Robert only had eyes for Sara.
"Where are you from?" "Do you go to school? Which one?" "Did you come by yourself?" "Shall we get a drink after the dance?" Girls incessantly asked him questions. When Robert made a joke, they would start laughing crazily. It was not even a funny joke. I wished Sara was interested in me like this. Robert smiled sadly.
A little after 11:00 p.m. the dance was over. Robert and the other people were walking out of the hotel building.
"Hey, Joe, you were on fire tonight." Jack told Robert after the dance.
"What do you mean?" Sara asked.
"He got like a thousand phone numbers," Jack told everybody.
"No, it's not. Just a couple." Robert actually really did not ask. They just gave it to him. He saw girls waving at him. He waved at them back, but he could not even remember their names.
"So did you like any of them?" Kristin asked Robert, and Jennifer was listening to them.
"I don't know." He looked at Sara. She was checking her phone.
After he dropped everyone off he thought of how he could see Sara later. It would be nice to run together, but he could not run like her. He started going to the gym, but he thought he needed a little more time. From running to dancing, he was consistently making a fool of himself with her. He thought of having a movie night, or maybe hiking would be a good idea. Robert was wondering about the mean guy, or how close Jack was to Sara. It sounded like they hung out and spent time together. Robert sighed and walked into the house. The light was on in the living room. Boldo was probably watching television. For a very long time there was no one in his house. Now he had Boldo to keep him company. My murderer friend. Robert thought it was a funny title and smiled. He told Boldo what happened that night.