Akisame
Japanese society ran on tatemae. Except that Elly wasn’t very good at it. She’d grasped the basic ins and outs in elementary school, like knowing to duck a wild pitch in a softball game. But that wasn’t the same thing. The full powers of social conformity were formed in the pressure cooker of the Japanese public high school system and the “examination hell” that preceded college, both of which she’d happily avoided.
She could say and do what she was supposed to. She just couldn’t put her heart into it. The same way she couldn’t toss off an “I love you” like an infatuated teenager. But she felt that love in every fiber of her body. It was the word that got in the way. The word didn’t connect to the right parts of her brain, didn’t connect to the meaning she demanded of it.
The weather matched her mood. Far out in the Pacific, the jet stream swept north towards the Gulf of Alaska, carrying a pocket of low pressure across the Sierras and up against the Colorado Plateau, bringing gray days and rainy nights. The trees higher up the mountains turned red and gold. The bands of color slowly descended the rocky slopes as the days passed.
Elly checked her watch and collected her books together. Susan said, “Doesn’t Connor usually come by about now?”
“He traded schedules when I got sick last week, so he’s working late. Oh, has Melanie told you about our get-together Saturday night?”
Susan nodded. “Where is Mel?” she asked, glancing around the Asian Collection room.
“I suspect she and Greg found themselves a more private venue.”
Susan sighed dramatically. “They’ll be married before you know it.”
“So it would seem. Though I think Mel is going to be rightly cautious about her engagement, if only to show her junior companion the proper way of doing things.” She slung her backpack over her shoulder. “See you in lab Friday?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there.”
Susan was probably right about Melanie and Greg. Elly was beginning to understand some of Mel’s grumpiness about Elly’s unexpected nuptials. Life was simpler when people weren’t going off and changing the ground rules on her. Maybe Mel and Greg could find a basement apartment in the Tree Streets so they could attend the same ward together.
It was still daylight savings time and not that late in the evening. But the low-lying clouds created a false sense of night. The air was sweet with mist, the sidewalks spotted with puddles. Elly lifted her face toward the sky and tasted the falling rain on her lips.
The Center was mostly vacant. Connor got up from the desk and met her at the counter. “Started raining again?” he asked.
“More of a drizzle. It doesn’t look too busy here tonight.”
“It usually isn’t this early in the semester and with the bad weather.”
“Well, I’d stay, but I’ve got a Relief Society meeting at Sandra’s.”
“I’m off at eight. I’ll stop at Sandra’s place on my way home.”
When she left the JKHB, the rain was falling harder. She hunched her shoulders and ducked her head and proceeded across the Quad at a brisk walk. She’d made it to the corner of the Harris Fine Arts Building when she heard her husband’s voice.
“Elly!” Connor ran up to her, his sneakers slapping on the wet concrete. He held out an umbrella. “I remembered it after you left.”
She stared at him, at the unopened umbrella, at the rain pattering on his head and shoulders. When she spoke—a sudden torrent of Japanese— the words came out of her like a tape recorder had turned on in her head and she couldn’t find the switch to turn it off. “Good grief, of all the silly things to do. What’s the sense of carrying around an umbrella if you’re not going to use it? You’ll catch your death—”
And then, thankfully, the words stopped. Connor grinned sheepishly. He undid the strap around the umbrella and popped it open.
Elly put her hand to her mouth and started to laugh. She remembered running home through the drenched streets of Hiratsuka, the autumn rain soaking her to the skin—running home to a warm kitchen and a steaming bath and the kerosene scent of the old stove aglow in the tiny living room. She ran home to her mother’s stern and unconditional affection, to her father’s strong embrace, to a love that never failed her. She’d grown up and believed she’d left those feelings in the past. But she was wrong.
She flung herself at him, her backpack smacking against her shoulders as they collided. The umbrella parachuted unattended to the ground. “I love you.” She kissed him. Her heart beat madly. “I love you.” The words tasted like warm chocolate in her mouth. “I love you.”
He enfolded her in his arms. “I know,” he said.
Elly pressed herself against his chest, her head aswirl. “Oh, my meeting with Sandra, I’m going to be late.”
“The umbrella—” he said.
“You need it more than I do!” Elly flung out her arms. “It’s the akisame!” She darted back for a quick, wet kiss, and then set off down the sidewalk. She turned and waved back at him. “I love you!”
Connor wasn’t planning on going to Melanie’s condo after work. BYU housing units were divvied into multiple wards in order to bring in some demographic diversity. So Sandra’s unit, facing the park, was in Connor and Elly’s ward, but Melanie’s wasn’t.
But crossing Ninth East, force of habit took over. Susan answered the door. “Elly’s not here. She had a Relief Society meeting.”
“Oh, right.” He turned to leave and stopped. “There is something you could help me with. You wouldn’t happen to know Elly’s ring size?”
“Ring size?” Susan gave him a scolding look. “That’s right, you never gave her a ring.”
“It was sort of a mutual thing. But I was wondering—”
“As a matter of fact, I have exactly what you want.” Susan invited him inside. She came down the stairs a minute later. “Here, catch.” She tossed him a black velvet box.
Connor popped it open. “An engagement ring?”
“My sod of an ex-fiancé never asked for it back. I figure it was his way of getting over his guilt for dumping me. Whatever. Elly and I spent many hours thinking of ways to destroy it, like taping it to the Nankai tracks and letting the train squash it flat. But I thought better of it.”
“It fits her?”
“She tried it on once, you know, to see what it was like. Believe me, Connor, girls want the ring. And I want that one back, so don’t lose it. I plan on trading it in on a washer/dryer set someday.”
“Thanks,” Connor said. “I won’t.”
He walked over to Sandra’s condo. Yvonne Maynes answered the door. “We’re almost done.”
From the living room, Connor could see Carol and Sandra at the kitchen table. Elly had her back to him. She must have heard him come in. She glanced back over her shoulder and smiled. He flushed in response, despite himself.
“That was quite the look you gave me back there,” she observed as they were walking home. “What exactly was on your mind?”
“I thought: right there is the most beautiful woman in the world, and she actually likes me.”
“I love you, silly.”
“That too.”
The rain let up. They stayed to the sidewalks to keep their shoes from getting soaked. Elly stopped, tugging on his hand. “I bet that’s what my mom told you.” He hesitated, caught in a moment of ethical conflict. Elly laughed. “I understand. A mother-in-law’s orders must be respected.”
They continued up the street. Connor added, his voice soft and even, “The words don’t always matter, Elly.” He used the Japanese proverb, “The flower says nothing (Iwanu ga hana).”
She stopped again. “Silence may be golden (Chinmoku wa kin), but eloquence is silver (Yuuben wa gin).” She smiled. “Tell me you love me.”
“I love you.”
She closed her eyes and listened to the music singing inside her head. “Yes,” she said, “words matter.”
When they got home, the answering machine light was blinking. The first call was from Sandra (Elly had been late to the meeting). The second was from Rose Noland.
“Who?” Connor said.
“The lady who called the other day.”
“This is Rose Noland,” the message went. “I’m calling from Evans & Thorton. Mr. Thorton wondered if the two of you could come down to our offices tomorrow morning.”
Elly said, “He did say they’d call us back.”
“But still no idea what this is all about?”
“We’ll find out tomorrow.”