Ridiculous
It was hard. I admit that all previous relationships—such as they were—had not prepared me for this kind of anguish. All my scoffing at Toni Braxton’s heartfelt ballad of love and not being able to “Breathe Again” crumbled like bad cornbread made without enough liquid. Keeping things together was quite the task when I kept receiving notifications from all kinds of connections of Reed’s that I had “friended” or “liked” via social media, not to mention the fact that Reed and I had followed each other on all the platforms.
CelesteImStillAliveAndKicking
@AubreySandersArchitect – Aubrey, call me, dear, when you get a chance. This little lady needs to speak with you.
janetreedflowers
@dexterreedDMV – We’re planning a night of fun for your return! #CousinsTurnUpDMV
NationalRailConsultants
@dexterreedNRC – We are happy to announce the return of Mr. Dexter Reed to our East Coast Headquarters as Executive Vice President. Great things ahead! #NationalRailConsultants
As if the notifications were not enough, there were the endless voicemails and texts from Reed. Unanswered, but they were there taunting me like an overpriced pair of Louboutins winking at me with all their dazzling crystals, making me think that I really needed them, when I didn’t. I couldn’t. Those messages were a luxury that my heart couldn’t afford, even if my wallet could afford the shoes.
Voicemail #1
Babe, it’s me, Reed. Call me, please. I need to speak with you.
Text #3
Reed: Aubrey, good morning. I’m sorry. I didn’t handle things correctly. Call me.
Voicemail #7
Aubrey, it’s me, Reed. I’m sorry. Please call me. We need to talk.
Text #12
Reed: Aubrey, talk to me.
Voicemail #29
Aubrey, hi. They have requested that I return to the East Coast sooner than planned. I really would like to see you before I go. Please. I love you.
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For three days, I wallowed in the sorrow of the breakup from Reed. Three days that felt like three years. I called in and asked Lisa to rearrange my schedule, so that the senior and junior associates could pick up the slack. She could hear that all wasn’t well.
Day 1
“Aubrey, what’s wrong? What happened?” she asked.
“Nothing,” I sniffed. “I’m okay.”
“No, you’re not,” she firmly replied. “You are not okay.”
An hour later, my doorbell rang. I dragged myself off of the sofa in the family room and looked out the window. A delivery guy was there with a brown bag. I opened the door.
“Delivery for Ms. Sanders,” he announced.
“I didn’t order anything.”
“Umm,” he responded while looking at the attached ticked. “It says here that Lisa sent the order.”
“Oh, okay. Thank you. Wait one second so that I…”
“Ma’am. She took care of everything.”
“Well, thank you.”
I took my unexpected meal back to the family room, picked up my phone, and sent a text to Lisa.
Me: Lisa, thank you for the meal.
Lisa: You’re welcome. Whatever it is, Aubrey, it will be all right. Okay? Let me know if you need anything else.
Me: Okay.
A notification pinged. It was Reed’s Aunt Celeste on Instagram. She posted a message with a picture of heart underneath a rainbow.
CelesteImStillAliveAndKicking
@AubreySandersArchitect – There’s always
room for love under the rainbow!
Really? I have to deal with Reed’s messages and his elderly auntie, too? I can’t. So, I unfollowed her. Sweet as she was—I had spoken with her on the telephone many times—I just couldn’t stay in contact with her. That post had me using up a box of tissues like I was watching a Hallmark Channel Christmas movie marathon. For just a moment, hope popped up, then I pushed it back to the place where it didn’t hurt. Then came her text.
Celeste: Aubrey! I just got notified that you unfollowed me! Why? That knucklehead nephew of mine? I heard what happened. Why won’t you answer his calls and texts?
Me: Ms. Celeste, I can’t talk to him right now.
Celeste: Aubrey, give him a chance to explain. He messed up, I know. He loves you, though. I know this. Give him a chance.
Me: Thanks, Ms. Celeste, but it’s over. It has been nice getting to know you.
Celeste: Girlie, you’re not getting rid of me that easily! I’ll check on you on later. Bye!
@@@@@
Oh, Lord! I’ve got to keep talking to Aunt Celeste???? Help me!!!!
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Day 2
No matter what is going in my life, I sleep when I go to bed. The firm kept us working at all times of the day and night trying to meet deadlines, but when I finally get ready to sleep, I sleep. So, regardless of the heartache I was feeling due to the breakup with Reed, I slept. I had trained my body to sleep for the few hours that it would get, so heartache aside, I got the rest I needed.
Then morning came.
The pain was there. It felt like I was a beauty queen who had achieved top scores in every category but one, and that one kept me from getting the crown. You know, I lost by one-one hundredth of a point to someone with just the “thing” the judges did not even know they were looking for, but she had it.
I rolled out of bed, said “Thank you for this day”, washed my face, and strolled to the kitchen to fix some tea. While fixing my morning wake-up elixir, the doorbell rang. I wondered who would be at my door at that time—okay, it wasn’t that early—of the morning, I attempted to fix the hair that was pressed on my head like a Chia Pet that got mixed up on the planned growth pattern.
Looking out the window, I saw another delivery guy with a huge bouquet of flowers. Resigned, I opened the door.
“Good morning. May I help you?”
“Delivery for Ms. Aubrey Sanders, please.”
“I’m Aubrey.”
“These are for you. It’s rather heavy, Ms. Sanders. Would you like to put them inside and then sign?”
“Sure. I guess…” I had an idea of who had sent these as Reed had sent flowers many times during the months we dated.
I returned to sign the delivery slip.
“Thank you, Ma’am. Enjoy the flowers, and have a great day!” he said.
“Well, you do the same,” I replied unenthusiastically.
I closed the door and walked past the flowers. I didn’t need to see who they were from. I knew. And, I did not want to know what he had to say. I didn’t care. That was the lie I told myself as the scent of the bouquet filled the foyer with its sweet scent. Tulips, roses, carnations, lilies, peonies…really, the bouquet was completely over the top in a Reed kind of way. The man had an unexpected flair for the dramatic and extravagant.
I sipped my tea and ate a croissant with jam while the picture of the bouquet ran through my mind like a movie reel. My phone pinged. Really!
Reed: Aubrey, good morning. I hope you are well.
Me: Reed. You really shouldn’t have sent the flowers.
Reed: Yes, I should have.
Me: What do you want, Reed?
Reed: I want to see you, Aubrey.
Me: There is nothing to say. You’re still going back to the East Coast, right?
Reed: Yes. It’s my career.
Me: I know. I understand that. I’ve no problem with that. That is not the issue.
Reed: Aubrey, may I come see you?
Me: I don’t think that is best for either of us.
Reed: Aubrey, I’m leaving in two weeks. I need to see you before I leave.
Me: Reed, I think a clean break is best.
Reed: So, you just decided to break us up with no input from me?
Me: Really?
Reed: Aubrey, grown people discuss things. They don’t just end relationships without talking to the other person—especially, good relationships.
Me: Reed, don’t make me tell you something that I might regret later.
Reed: Aubrey. Don’t do this. Don’t do this to us.
Me: Bye, Reed.
That exchange completely rattled me. I reclined on the couch for rest of the day, flipping through channels, crying, unfollowing more of Reed’s family and friends. His cousin Janet was as bold as his Aunt Celeste.
“Aubrey!” she yelled through the phone after I answered her call.
“What, Janet? Why are you yelling?”
“I don’t have time to beat around the bush. Are you really going to not let Reed explain?” she exclaimed.
“Explain what? How he decided that it made sense to not say a word about the possibility of him moving back to the DMV? How he kept that information to himself for over a month?”
“I know it sounds bad, Aubrey. But, he didn’t know how to tell you. He loves you, Aubrey.”
“He didn’t know how? How about “Aubrey, there’s a chance I may be moving back to the East Coast. I’m up for a promotion.””
“Well, yeah, he could’ve said that. I think he should’ve, but he didn’t, so give him a chance to explain.”
“Reed has had the chances he’s going to get. I can’t do this, Janet. I will not do this with Reed.”
“Don’t shut him out, Aubrey. He needs you.”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“You’re going to toss what you had away—just like that? You two love each other. Don’t do this.”
“Funny. That’s what he said this morning. “Don’t do this.” You Reeds stick together. Your Aunt Celeste called me yesterday.”
“We Reeds do stick together, but we gave him the business for being so stupid, too.”
“Well, no argument from me on that.”
“Aubrey,” Janet begged. “Give him a chance.”
“Janet. No. Bye.”
I tapped the red off button on my phone, disconnecting the call and myself from her pleas for second chances. What is it with his family?
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Day 3
Around midday on Day 3 of being home from work, my doorbell rang. Again.
I shuffled to the door dressed in a slouchy tank top, lounging pants, and puffy eyes. Peeking through the window to see who was at the door, my heart stopped. Reed.
I didn’t want to, but something about seeing him on the other side of the door compelled me to open the door. I missed him. But. I was still angry. Very. And. Hurt. Very.
“What do you want, Reed?”
“Aubrey, may I come in?”
I decided that dragging this out was not to my advantage since he had shown up on my doorstep. Clearly, he had given me all the space he was going to give.
“Fine. Come in,” I responded very sarcastically.
I walked back to the family room and my blanket, pushing my back into the corner and legs stretched out, forcing him to sit in one of the club chairs.
“Aubrey…,” Reed started.
“Just say what you need to say,” I demanded.
“Aubrey, there’s no need to be rude.”
“Rude? Please, Reed. Say what you need to say.”
“Hmm.”
“I’m waiting.”
He stood and paced across the floor.
“Aubrey, I messed up. I should have said something when it first came up, but I just didn’t think it would happen or move so quickly.”
“Reed, we were in a relationship. You talked about everything else, but couldn’t find a way to talk to me about that? Really?”
“Look, Aubrey. I was wrong. I admit it.”
Swinging my legs off the sofa and tossing off the blanket, I stood, looked at him and began to tell him in no uncertain terms what I felt.
“You messed up, Reed. Yeah, you did. But what you really did is show me that I didn’t matter for the important things in your life. You were fine with telling me when there was no room for me to say anything. What was I going to say had you told me earlier? Don’t take the promotion after you had worked for it? Don’t go back? No, I don’t want you to go back, but I get it. I get it. I run a business, so I understand about building a career. But, this, not telling me until the end…I don’t get this, and there is nothing—nothing—that you can say to make me believe that you didn’t know how to tell me.”
“Aubrey, I have never lied to you.”
“You just withheld information. I guess that is okay. Right?”
Reed walked over to me.
“Aubrey, I have apologized the best way I know how. I don’t know what else to do to get you to understand.”
“Reed…,” I began.
He suddenly pulled me towards him, bent his head towards mine, and kissed me. It was a bruising kiss, for I could feel his frustration. I could also feel the passion. Before I knew it, my arms were around his neck, and my body was plastered against his. I was kissing him with all the anger, hurt, and love that I had for him. I rubbed my body against his in that ancient womanly move that expressed what I wanted.
“I want it all, Aubrey,” he whispered against my lips. “Your love, your trust, your body, and your forgiveness. I want it all. All. I love you, Aubrey.”
I gasped. The pain was too much.
“I can’t, Reed,” I squeezed out.
“Then. Call me when you’re ready to give me your all. I guess this is it, then? You’re really not going to try?”
“Reed, you hurt me. Really hurt me. So, I think it’s better this way,” I said, turning my head as water filled my eyes.
“I’ll let myself out,” he softly said.
I fell to the sofa and cried at the thought of something that had brought me such joy but was now bringing me such pain. If love could be ridiculous, Reed and I had managed to make it so.
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Day 4
The phone shrilly rang like the person on the other end was angry with me! I awakened out of sleep with my heart pounding.
“Hello?”
“Aubrey, enough is enough! It’s time for you to come back to work,” Trish started without a single “good morning”, “hi”, or anything resembling a greeting.
“Huh?”
“Get your butt up. Take a shower. Comb your hair. Put on some clothes. Come to work. We have stuff to do.”
“Trish, I…”
“No, Aubrey. I do not want to hear it. Get up! I’ll see you here in two hours,” she said, promptly hanging up the phone.
“Well, I guess I’m going to work,” I said aloud.
The phone pinged.
Trish: Aubrey, we need you. You can’t continue to wallow.
Me: I know, Trish.
Trish: Besides, you are probably bored.
Me: Truthfully, I’ve been crying too much to be bored.
Trish: It won’t always be like this. It won’t always hurt like this. I promise.
Me: I hope you’re right, Trish. I really do.
Trish: Trust me. Now, come on to work. We have to prepare for new bids, and your expertise is needed.
Me: Expertise? Haha…
Trish: See you in a bit.
Me: Okay. I’ll be there in a couple of hours.
Trish: That’s my girl!
Me: Yeahhhh…
I cried while showering. I cried while combing my hair. I cried while dressing. I finally stopped crying as I pulled into the garage at the office. Life goes on.