I am expecting any other place other than the park because I want to agree with my mind that I shouldn’t just take whatever Taylor says. It doesn’t disappoint though when he parks the car across the green serene looking park with wooden benches and trees that cast thin refreshing looking shadows that immediately invite me to lounge under them. But what catches my attention is the large arrangement of chairs that is made in the middle facing a medium sized make shift platform. There are more people than you would normally see in a park.
I look at Taylor questionably and he says, ‘your youth Church group gathering.’
I just nod. Well I do go to the church once in a while but I wasn’t really a dedicated member for him to consider it my church like that.
I get out of the car when he does and he takes my hand possessively as we approach the gathering. I say possessively because he continues to touch me when I am so clearly mad at him. Either he is possessive or retarded.
Before I can comment on his odd irritating behavior, Judith emerges from the crowd, grinning like a Cheshire cat and is running towards us.
‘Ah you guys!’ she squeaks, ‘you came.’
I return her embrace. It’s nice to be in contact with a normal human after all the disaster I’ve been through. Taylor flashes her a smile when she lets go of me.
‘What is going on here?’ I ask, her excitement is infectious.
‘We are doing a fund raising concert!’ Judith explains, ‘I’ve been trying to get hold of you for some time now, I was hoping to convince you to join the choir just for this event.’
My heart skips. Yes, that part of me that had long been buried with my bad memories and I even forgot that it existed. Why would she bring that up after I had vehemently refused Pastor Luke’s prodding when he walked into me absently singing because I just felt like tasting the poison of my bad memories that day?
Taylor glances at me questionably and I pay him no attention—yeah you are not the only one with secrets.
‘So.’ Judith carries on either ignoring or not noticing me freaking out and Taylor’s second reaction, ‘I contacted your husband.’ She raises an eyebrow towards Taylor, ‘and he agreed to join the concert with us.’
I looked up at Taylor and a gentle smile comes on his face, ‘you are going to sing!’
He nods, and also a little glad that I am looking at him when I’ve been ignoring him since last night. I smile back at him before I remember that I am not supposed to do that.
‘The funds are really going to help these kids, we are so glad to be in the position to do something.’
‘That’s wonderful.’ I smile at Judith. Smiling lifts a little bad mood out of me and makes Taylor to squeeze my hand a little before letting it go.
‘I will see you.’ He murmurs to me before he walks away probably to meet the other youth church group members.
‘Don’t you look good together?’ Judith says with a gleam in her eyes, ‘I don’t get how you could keep this from me, and you owe me details after this concert.’ She pouts
I laugh, ‘okay, and I’m sorry.’
‘You have nothing to be sorry for darling—you have just married Taylor, I want to scream. Though of course you will have to explain to me how it happened and I your close friend was not invited to the wedding.’
I manage a smile as she takes my arm and guides me towards the seats, ‘I have arranged for you a front row seat. Try to focus on the worship and not your husband.’
‘Judith!’ I scold her in a low voice, ‘ah seriously.’
‘I can’t help it—you denied any attraction to him the day we went hiking, and you have been throwing evasive hints at me about someone other than Charles, now I know that you were talking about him.’
Looks like I am not the only one who is having revelations regarding my rollercoaster situation.
‘How is Pastor Luke?’ I change the subject
‘He is fine.’ She scowls at me, ‘why are you changing the subject?’
‘You are trying to paste Taylor’s face in my mind during a church service.’
‘Oh right—my bad!’
I smile back at her joke. Her face suddenly breaks into a beam, I scowl at her, I realise she is smiling at a person behind me when she waves
I turn and—
‘Pastor Luke!’ Judith says, ‘you came!’
‘I can’t stay long.’ He looks apologetic, ‘I came to check on a few things.’
‘Look who is here!’ she draws me closer to her side
‘Heather! Lovely to see you here.’
I just smile at him while mumbling a greeting. What else can I do, the man looks at me as if he is looking deep into my soul. And I know he won’t find anything good in there.
‘Congratulations I heard that you got married.’
‘Thank you Pastor Luke!’ I hope he doesn’t register the hesitation and shock in my voice. I hope my smile is enough to convince him to stay out of this. Because I can see the concern in his eyes. He seems worried about the marriage issue. I have always tried to be a background feature around him, but the man, never misses out anyone in the congregation. I see his eyes search for a ring on my finger. And the concern growing in his eyes. He glances at Taylor who is chatting lively with the other youths before his eyes fall back on me.
‘I hope he is good to you.’ Pastor Luke still maintains the gentle smile but his eyes betray him while his words kind of shocks me.
Why should I even matter to him? I barely even come to Church every Sunday, if doom befalls me, it could be a punishment from heaven.
I just nod at his question. Its twisted to lie to a man of God, and if I even believe half of it all, he already knows the truth but it’s not like I can tell him that Taylor is being possessive lately, making rush decisions such as marrying me because he doesn’t want me to leave and he could be dangerous in a way I still haven’t figured out yet but my gut instincts are screaming.
No, I can’t do that.
‘Okay I will let you have your fun, Malcom promised to send me a video.’
And with that he is gone. I am in semi-shock and semi-worry as I sit in the chair that Judith points out to me. Being under the sun and the setting has a magical feeling spiraling within me. I can almost forgive him since he brought me here. It’s so peaceful.
Or maybe it’s because you’ve just met someone who was able to pick up your worries and be concerned about them. Wild mind hedges.
Though I doubt that would ever happen, I know I can talk to Pastor Luke about anything and there are plenty people at Church who have tried or are still trying to break into my shell, but I guess I am the nut head who doesn’t want to talk to people who can have actual solutions to my problems.
The squeal of the microphone brings me back to the present and I fix my eyes on the platform where I recognize Bright from the choir. He is holding a microphone and is addressing the crowd. Behind him, the choristers are lined vertically holding their microphones in hand. Taylor is one of them.
The performance starts fifteen minutes later. The worship is just wonderful and being a church goer, my mind often wonders during the service but at that moment I am actually thinking about my life. Something is nudging at the door of my heart. I know whatever it is will overturn my life upside down and sweep every corner.
No I can’t go through that again. And I don’t even know what that means even though it resonates deeply inside my heart.
I place my palm over my heart as though to stop whatever is nudging to open it and gain access. But something still stirs within me. This is not emotion, I am familiar with emotions—of their disruptive existence.
This feels like a part of me has been sleeping and dormant for a long time and it’s being nudged awake. And when they start singing the song “I can’t stay here” it grows worse.
I can’t stay here anymore—you’re breathing new life, into dry bones—I hear the echo—the sound of Heaven’s song—Your Spirit’s calling me I know it’s time to go and I can’t stay here anymore.
I join the crowd to give a round of applause as the session is drawing to an end.
They were incredible just now and I am so glad to be here. After the performance people all gather around the food table were they are being served food. After helping with a number of servings, Judith drags me to a bench under a cool shade.
She places the plate of hotdogs between us on the bench and opens both our can drinks before placing that down as well and she looks at me with a sly smile
‘Okay details!’
I bristle for a moment, I had been so immersed on the wonderful day and I had put that at the back of my mind.
‘Details?’
‘Yes,’ she narrows her eyes, ‘how did you and Taylor tie the knot.’
‘Uh—it’s not exactly that—it’s just the traditional agreement.’ And it was just yesterday.
‘Still relevant as a marriage ceremony the last I checked.’ Judith pins a flat smile
I scoff, if you count two outraged women, two crooked men and the evasive potentially dangerous one, not forgetting little terrified and confused me in a room almost suffocating with a thick tenseness as a ceremony, yeah I can go along with that. Because that was the ceremony I got and I don’t know how Taylor managed to make sure the only friend that I have and the entire youth group knows about all this before it even graduates 24 hours hasn’t failed to paralyze me with shock.
‘Heather!’ Judith breaks into my reverie. She is looking at me strangely.
‘I’m just saying that it just happened.’ At least I can give her an atom of the truth, ‘I voiced out how I didn’t want to marry Charles.’
‘Who is a rare male species-’ Judith adds
‘Judith,’ I grimace, ‘you are in the Church youth department, don’t say such things.’
‘I don’t get why you didn’t like Charles, he is the ideal guy.’
Yeah I hadn’t told her that he is a loan shark. And the term loan shark isn’t just figurative. Those people would sink their teeth into you once you ruffle their feathers.
‘And you keep zoning out like you live in your own world or something.’
She narrows her eyes, ‘and this may be me over thinking things—but Pastor Luke seems really concerned when he learned about your marriage with Taylor.’
‘How did you--.’
She cuts me off, ‘no, I ask the questions first—so back to the topic, when you told them that you could marry Charles and then what?’
‘Well uh—the thing is, it happened that I had not been home that night.’
Maybe I should have scratched that part out because judging by the look on her face I’m going to have to explain that part as well. I’m not a saint but I’m not audaciously immoral either. Though the memories of that night may say otherwise—in my defense I was embarrassed in the morning and relieved that nothing had happened.
‘It’s not like that.’
Judith’s shock twists into a grin, ‘kids are naughty these days.’ She giggles, ‘so what happened.’
Nothing!’ maybe I say that a little too loudly because Judith doesn’t seem to believe me a bit. ‘Anyway,’ I give up trying to erase her ludicrous assumption, ‘so when I returned home with Taylor and Charles--.’
‘Wait!’ Judith takes the can, gulp some coke before putting it back on the bench, ‘you went to your house with your fiancé and boyfriend?’
‘Taylor and I haven’t even established that relationship yet.’
‘Then what was he?’
‘The guy I kiss randomly.’ I blurt out and then bite my lip but it’s too late. ‘That came out wrong.’
Judith exhales in what almost sounds like a whisper, ‘your life is more exciting than mine- anyway go on, and how did your father try to kill Taylor?’
I laugh and she joins me. If only the reaction was that normal.
‘No one tried to kill anyone, maybe my mom contemplated beating me.’
‘I would have beat you as well. Anyway go on.’
‘So we were married because according to tradition I was with another man and Charles couldn’t accept that either.’
Judith’s shoulders sag, ‘I can’t believe you.’ She blinks, ‘you actually—with Taylor—he is good looking and all but you’ve always been so not into all that—so maybe I blame him, but you guys did marry in the end but still--.’
‘For heaven’s sake I didn’t sleep with Taylor.’ I say in frustration and Judith laughs shaking her heads
‘I didn’t mean to presume that you did but your story is quite convincing.’
I fold my arms, ‘so that’s it, don’t ask me again.’
‘So you live with him now.’
‘Of course.’
‘When are you having the wedding?’
Never, I will have escaped from all this madness. Any normal person would want to escape. And I have grown normal under one night when I witnessed myself being exchanged like a packaged good. The look on Charles’ face as he kept stealing glances at Taylor when he thought no one was watching. But I watched him, as everyone packed my things out from the house. Charles was afraid and father was almost dancing for joy while Taylor discreetly cast him glares that would end a life if it were possible.
‘I don’t know.’ I reply nonchalantly.
A slight breeze wafts past us and why do I know that Taylor is approaching though he is out of my eyesight? But I know as soon as his body loomed over us on the bench. We both look up at him. And I think judging by the look on Taylor’s face we are like girls caught gossiping.
‘Judith, Malcom is searching for you!’ he says picking up my can from the bench and sipping it.
‘Searching?’ Judith raises an eyebrow
‘Yes literally!’
Judith chuckles, ‘alright—Heather don’t leave without saying good bye or I will start stalking you.’
I actually shudder, Taylor snorts and chuckles, ‘that’s not funny Judith.’ I say
She picks up her can and stands from the bench, ‘you are the only one not laughing!’ she winks at me and chuckles as she walks away
Maybe I over reacted but with what I am going through right now—the word stalking is just super creepy.
Must be the sun and the music and the people around because I don’t feel that overwhelmed anymore. I watch Taylor as he sits where Judith had been sitting and I gladly look into those dark brown eyes.
‘Hey!’ he whispers
‘Hey.’ I whisper back.
He puts the can down between us and we stay silent for a moment just looking at each other. Which somewhere in the back of my mind I am telling myself I shouldn’t do because I am falling too deeply for him. That would ruin my plan.
This kind of feeling is too dangerous. Right now the world may collapse around me and I’d still not be able to tear myself away from this gaze.
A small smile tugs at the corners of his lips before his eyes land on my hands. He takes my small hands into his and holds them on my lap. I raise my eyes to meet his gaze. When he does things like this, my reasoning tends to take flight. Like how I am doubting right now my decision to leave. I can’t seem to remember the reason why I wanted to leave in the first place.
But Celine’s words come to my mind and I manage to rearrange my original reason for that decision. There is a fine line between someone simply not liking you and someone taking a pity of you when you are one step from the pit of hades. I know the difference. And Celine hasn’t known me long enough to dislike me for no reason.
‘I can leave?’ my question is a whisper. I don’t know why that is the first question that comes out of my mouth but Taylor understands the meaning. Because I need to hear him say that I am not a prisoner like I had almost became prisoner with Charles. Even though deep down I know that freedom was a vanishing scent wafting by in my case. But I would still hold on to the little of it that I can grasp. Even at this moment that I am encouraging Taylor to tell me a little white lie.
‘Yes,’ he replies impassively
‘Just so we are clear,’ my mind is clearing from the momentary roller coaster, ‘you and I are not married.’
‘Don’t you think that’s kind of--.’
‘Until I acknowledge it,’ I cut him off, ‘I mean--.’
He cuts me off, ‘until you acknowledge it, I got it.’ He says seriously, I nod incredulously because I don’t think he took that statement seriously, ‘I won’t lay a finger on you.’
My face loses buoyancy – just when I thought that we are on the same page.
‘Ah seriously!’
‘Well I won’t if you don’t,’ a grin follows
I press my lips together to fight a smile but fail, he has started acting like he doesn’t know what I am talking about just because he doesn’t like it.
‘That’s good then,’ I deadpan, ‘we are definitely on the same page.’ I look down at our hands.
‘I don’t know where to start so maybe you can ask me questions.’
I lift my gaze, what if I am still currently afraid of what the answers will be?
‘You asked me who I was.’
Why did that question seem odd to him? Why don’t he try to put himself into my shoes?
I bite my lip, all my questions have abandoned me, and I ask the one closer to my heart. Maybe the only reasonable one that I have.
‘Why are you afraid of people leaving?’
The question takes him by surprise. I have never seen him this surprised before besides the day I kissed him. I shouldn’t be thinking about that right now.
He opens his mouth and close it and then chuckles under his breath, his eyes never leaving mine as he plays with my hands.
‘A difficult questions?’
He shakes his head ‘no—I wasn’t expecting you to ask me that.’
‘Me neither.’ I say nonchalantly but secretly rejoicing that I came up with a question that he wasn’t already building smart replies for.
He smiles, ‘well, I am not afraid of people leaving—
‘Don’t even go there—my question is based on a theory that I strongly believe and you can’t argue yourself out of this one.’
‘How could you just suddenly believe something without solid evidence—besides everyone doesn’t want people they love to leave?’
‘Really?’ I raise an eyebrow, ‘you could have bought me chocolates or flowers if you didn’t want me to leave, but you went and married me behind my back.’
‘Maybe I know that you are not a flowers and chocolates kind of girl.’
He is right but I would go to my grave twice before I admit that
‘I like flowers and chocolates just fine.’ I mumble ‘So answer my question.’
A long pause follows. This can’t be good. For a moment I catch what seems like apprehension in his eyes. I understand for the first time that he is someone who knew how to stay in control of himself. To stay in check at all times. Like the world is a very dangerous place—and that is not far from being true—but his world is too dangerous to even blink an eye and miss a moment.
‘You can’t just leave.’ He says finally, ‘it’s not that simple.’
‘Me?’ because my question covered any person who would want to turn their back on him. He doesn’t say anything but keep watching me as my mind grinded away trying to decipher a meaning from his words, ‘you are not supposed to be with me aren’t you?’ my emotion holds no hurt or betrayal. Only fear.
‘It doesn’t matter.’ He says simply, ‘I have failed to leave you alone.’
My heart skips—then he meant it when he wanted to keep me at arm’s length. Why didn’t I heed the warning? But a warning from what? Whatever it is that I haven’t found out yet.
‘Am I supposed to do a happy dance at that?’ my brain companions and I stare at him as he continues to watch me contemplatively and the second his lips move to speak
‘It depends on how you see it.’
I press my lips together before I start grinding my teeth. These shorthand answers are putting a not so cheery imagination in my head. One where by I am chortling someone.
‘My family is respected and well known in different circles.’ He says, ‘many people want to be a part of it, many want to destroy us. If they learn that you mean something to me that means you are my weakness.’
Weakness. Dark powerful families associate weakness with death. Destruction means death. Or maybe I shouldn’t have read mafia stories during that time in my life when I used to be normal. Before those same people I read about appeared physically in my life. Because he hasn’t explained anything. I don’t need a mafia-families-for-dummies module—I understand the meaning behind his words clearly.
He whispers seriously, ‘just don’t run where you can’t be safe.’
How does he know that running is a number one option in my reaction list? Oh my god what have I just found myself into? I am my own sole witness to the moment where the rest of the world has suddenly become a dangerous place. Its real and the threat is alive I think it has its own heartbeat.
I am staring back at him after just learning his darkest secrets. Not revealed in many words must I add. And I am afraid—not of him—but of myself because I still don’t feel like running for the hills.
But I should. Though he has already said that there is no way out. Father has dragged the whole family into this. Or we already were a part of it – and no one knew.
‘Heather!’ his voice breaks into my reverie and my eyes focus back on him, ‘I’m sorry.’
I understand that as well. He is not sorry because I was mad over the little marriage stunt he pulled or the anonymous deal he signed off with father. He is sorry because he has just pulled me in a world where there is no way out. Where himself was held prisoner under lock and key. Maybe there is a way out. But I highly doubt that.