I don’t sleep at all. How could I? My life needed strong meditation and I did. All night—I still couldn’t figure out a lot of things. My mind was in disarray because the only thing I could think of was that Taylor wasn’t in love with me but her. It made sense now, why he looked at me the way he did that first day, despite my ugly clothes. Why he reacted the way he did when I wanted to leave. If he misses her why wasn’t he looking for her? I am not her.
Oh right, he can’t look for her because she is dead. Dead. A shiver runs down my spine. I know what dead entails and it’s no joke. That dark memory raises its ugly head and I stomp it down. This is no time for flash backs.
I need to remain levelheaded in order to survive this, I decide.
I leave my room at nine in the morning. A peaceful Sunday, peaceful for silent goodbyes I decide. I should be glad that I finally understand what this is. And I am leaving for good reasons. And that he won’t regret us when he comes to his senses but he will be thankful that I saved us both from what would have been a disastrous end. Because just like her, I would have run as well.
But when I step outside and I see him tending to his plants, my heart sinks. Celine is not around. She left so that I can leave when she is not here. I lean on the verandah pillar as I watch him water the plants and put manure. It always fascinates me how other people manage to grow plants. I’ve never had green hands. I am a born plant killer. Maybe that’s my special talent in this life.
I must have zoned out again because I startle when Taylor clasps his arms around my waist and he lifts me from the verandah platform. He crashes me against him before he sets my feet on the ground and claims my mouth in a passionate kiss.
I wind my arms around his neck. I shouldn’t be doing this. But I decide that I will take it as it lasts. And today is the last day. I changed a lot but I suppose I am still an incurable romantic.
‘We should greet like this every morning!’ he says against my lips
I place my hands on his chest and I push him away. I bend to pick up one of his garden tools and soon we are gardening together.
‘I have to warn you, I don’t have green hands.’ I say as I peer at what seems to a budding new plant. His hand closes over my wrist
‘Seriously! You should have said so before you clawed into my garden.—but what does it mean to not have green hands?’
I scoff, ‘it means my hands are plant killers.’
He shoves my hand away from the plants, ‘don’t touch my plants!’
‘I already touched that one!’ I point at a brilliant rose bush, ‘what a flamboyant bush.’
‘Should I uproot it?’
I shake my head, ‘don’t—let it be, I want to have my mark in your garden.’
All playfulness leaves his face and I hope it’s not because he has seen beyond my façade.
‘Your mark in my heart!’ he says seriously.
I don’t know whether to cry or laugh because those words can’t be for me. I chose to playfully shove his shoulder, ‘stop being the romantic.’ I stand up and start to wipe the skirt of my dress.
He tosses the watering can on the ground and place his hands on my hips. Every chance he gets.
‘I love this dress, you should wear dresses more often.’
‘Not if you are pawing me every chance you get.’ I say as I dodge his face and his kiss lands on the side of my neck.
‘Every chance I get.’ His lips curve into a smile against my skin
‘You are right, I will drop the flowers and chocolates thing.’
I laugh.
‘You want to go out?’
‘It’s Sunday, you don’t go out on Sundays.’
He draws away to look at my face, ‘is that so?’
‘Let’s stay in and watch movies!’
‘I don’t know—I don’t watch movies very often. We will watch what you choose.’
I must have fallen asleep halfway during the movie because the next moment I become conscious I am leaning onto something warm and hard. I slowly open my eyes and the first thing I see is blue soft cotton material before I feel a steely arm around my waist and one leg propped across my legs. I fell asleep and I don’t even remember him carrying me to bed. I shift slowly in order not to wake him and I sit up a little to stare at his face. I have never seen someone who is even beautiful when they are sleeping, well except babies of course and I don’t spend much time with the little cuties to form a solid opinion. But they do look cute in pictures.
My fingers twitch to be buried in that hair. I will never get over the weird habit. But I will take this picture with me wherever I go. I can finally admit to myself that I love him. But I will never say those words to him. I will be gone and he would move to his next pursuit. He would never have looked at me twice on a normal day if I didn’t look like Zelda.
Maybe I should ask him. But what good will it do other than create more confusion? I will just disappear, like a midnight dream. Here today and gone the next moment. Of all the people I could have loved. It had to be him. But I don’t regret it. It was special and catastrophic while it lasted. Even though the time was very short I will forever cherish it in my heart.
I plant a kiss on his forehead before I manage to get off the bed without waking him. Yeah the last day I am to spend with him I fall asleep. Maybe it’s good this way because I would have slipped something out eventually. Taylor does that to me.
I find my phone in my room and start with Google search. I made some calls last night and all that. I am all set and ready to go. I have enough money to pay the first month rent and survive until I find plan B. I change out of the dress into leggings and a t-shirt.
When I return to Taylor’s room I find him just pulling his jacket on. Doesn’t he look breath taking in that suit? I stand by the door and watch him as he prepares to leave. Maybe I should stop acting weird, what if he starts to wonder why I am watching him so much today. I am taking mental screen shots for my memory.
‘Like what you see?’ he says without turning to look at me.
A small smile forms on my lips, typical of Taylor to tease whenever he gets the chance. ‘Yeah I am so flustered by the threads you are wearing.’ I tease back
He turns to look at me with a lopsided grin, ‘if you had come in five minutes early you would have been lucky enough to catch me shirtless.’
I shake my head with a breathy chuckle, ‘too bad I missed that.’ I feign disappointment, ‘I will jump at the opportunity next time.’
He strides across the room and is in front of me in a flash, man he smells amazing. Beyond his playful expression I see his eyes searching mine. He knows I am acting strange. ‘I wish you could come with me.’
‘I don’t like going out much anyway, go and have fun.’
He grimaces, ‘business meetings are never fun.’ He says, ‘maybe you will help me clear my head when I return.’
‘Maybe.’
Silence stretches for long seconds, him searching his suspicion and me trying to bid him a goodbye without letting him know. My heart starts to break and I stand on my toes to kiss him before he sees the tears forming in my eyes. This is for the best for both of us. His palm flattens on the back of my head as he deepens the kiss
‘I will see you when I get back.’ He whispers against my lips
Maybe he senses my silent goodbye. Maybe he can already feel my departure. Maybe it’s the part of me that wishes that he does. The part of me that is asking me why I am doing this. The part of me that wants me to stay. But my sense and my logic urge me to walk away. This doesn’t mean anything. It will blow over any minute, there are no happily-ever-afters in life. Sometimes you have to hurt for a while in order to appreciate wisdom in the future.
Whatever I conclude from all this doesn’t matter, I am the one who will be hurt in the end. We all should protect ourselves when no one else can.
It is when his car drives out of the yard that I finally break down. All the feelings I have been keeping at bay descend onto me an overwhelming sense of disorientation as I carry my bags outside to the waiting taxi.