I feel empty. Well, I’m really not sure how I felt. It’s been a week now since the incident at Taylor’s house and I still can’t get myself together. I did the whole reasoning—with—myself—lecture. I wanted to be invisible—and now I am, even to him. Why does that make me want to cry?
Sometimes I feel like I have been cast under a spell and I was just soaking into the soft cloud 9 of dreams, the rag was suddenly pulled from under my feet and I fell back to zero. Back to where I was before, but my world I have come back to is no longer the same. I erased his number from my phone only to realize that the eight digits were already forever stamped to my memory.
Whose fault it is that this kind of terror befalls me? I need someone to blame, someone to crucify.
Taylor keeps his distance from me throughout that week. I only see him in class and I keep my head low like I always do. Invisible, invisible, invisible. Business ethics feels like hell kitchen nowadays.
But because I have twist in my brain or something, I don’t stay in tune with the psychological contract. It’s Thursday after school and I just decide that I need to see his face before I go home. We didn’t have his class today. I fix my tote bag on my shoulder and I chew on my gum slowly as I make my way towards the business and economics staffroom.
I could have a mission impossible theme song blasting in my headsets for more effect but instead I have ‘distance’ by Christina Perri
The song fits and I do promise to keep my distance after just today. My sneakers halt at the pavement outside the small trailer windows as I try to see through the barely open shutters. I can see the fluorescent’s soft light glow inside. The desks and chairs are empty, most teachers have already left or are in a meeting somewhere.
I sigh in disappointment as I decide that there is no one around. Well I will try to look up in class tomorrow.
I usually keep my head down because I don’t want to meet his eyes by accident and remember that almost kiss. That afternoon will hunt me for the rest of my life.
I heave another sigh and turn to leave and start when my eyes land on him. He is walking this way chatting easily with Mrs. Sephutho, the accounts teacher.
Mrs. Sephutho is saying something and Taylor is chuckling softly, his hands in his pockets and eyes fixed on his shoes.
I take my precious seconds to admire him from where I am standing. He is not wearing a tie and his blue shirt is rolled at the sleeves. The song in my ears starts again because I put it on repeat, because I thought it would be romantic to hear the words while I see him from afar.
This is the correct definition of insanity. Maybe I am obsessed. My heart starts to thud loudly—since when did I start to follow men around like this? I should remember where I am coming from—I shouldn’t be doing this—I did screw up in my life along the way but I was raised better than this.
The self-lecture works because I suddenly feel sick to my stomach. I wretch the headsets from my ears and stuff them in my pocket. I feel so sick to the point of nausea. I adjust my tote bag and I turn to leave the other way.
Maybe I should just bunk business ethics. No—father would kill me and toss my body at the quarry.
‘Heather!’
I stop dead in my tracks. I should pretend that I am not Heather or that I did not hear her, but my legs decide to halt and wait for the disaster to happen.
‘Heather!’
I inhale and turn to look at the woman. Mrs. Sephutho is wearing a warm smile as she regards me. The woman likes me and I still can’t figure out why. Taylor looks at me impassively and I flash a tight smile at both of them
‘Mrs. Sephutho!’
She comes to stand in front of me and Taylor remains in the background.
‘Are you going home already?’
I nod,’ yes.’
‘Did you want someone in the staff room?’
‘Yes—but it seems all lecturers are out.’
‘The meeting just ended—who did you want to see?’
I blink at her and I try hard not to glance at Taylor but fail because my eyes fall on him and his lips part in surprise I think. Heat floods all over my face
‘I will see him—I mean her tomorrow.’ I say quickly
‘Do you have time? I have a student who needs tutoring and I am swarmed with work.’
I shake my head, ‘I’m afraid I have to rush home today.’
‘Oh? Okay—go home safely!’
I nod quickly, ‘yes, you too Mrs. Sephutho.’
‘Thanks but we are here for another three hours at least.’
With another jerky nod I rush past her and after a quick formal greeting with Taylor I rush to the safety of the corridors.
I groan as I exit the school gate minutes later a few people look at me strangely.
They can look all they want. I have bigger problems to worry about right now—he didn’t know I came to see him did he?
I don’t want to seem like a stalker. Okay—correction, I did act like a stalker but I decided against the path in the end and he was suddenly there—so I can’t be blamed for this small incident.
But it wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t showed up at the staff room. Wild raises her eyebrow at me. The tyrant.
I walk past the college sign post and I am about to cross to the bus stop when a car speedily comes and halts in front of me
My mouth is hung open as Taylor rolls down his window.
‘Get in.’
I blink at him, ‘why- what?’
‘Get in—I will give you a ride home.’
I shake my head vigorously, ‘no I am fine—I have taxi money.’
He sighs and fixes his hard stare at me, ‘get in—I need to talk to you.’
I don’t move.
‘Heather!’
Students and pedestrians begin to look our way curiously and suspiciously and that makes me even more rigid.
‘No!’ I say and I move back from his car.
‘No? What’s the point of refusing when you are going to come looking for me at the staffroom?’
My mouth drops open, the arrogant – I’ve already given up that course so I can’t be charged with it—I want to yell.
‘I wasn’t looking for you.’
He scoffs, ‘yeah right!’
Is he so confident of himself? The cocky son of –
‘Get in the car—do you want a scene?’
With a huff walk to the passenger door and get in the car. Not because he doesn’t look like he is going to leave me be—but because he is acting so sure of himself and I have just made it my life mission to set that record straight.
As soon as I close the door he steps on the accelerator and takes off.
I turn to look at him, ‘okay what?’
‘Why are you so annoyed?’
‘Why shouldn’t I be annoyed? You accused me of stalking you.’
He sighs as he slows down when the car comes to a four way robot intersection.
‘I’m sorry about what happened at my house last time.’ He begins, my face heats at the memory, ‘I crossed the line with you.’
I want to scoff—he crossed the line since the first day he met me
‘Let’s forget that ever happened.’
‘Your point?’ I snap.
He sighs, ‘I am not good for you Heather—I don’t see nice girls like you.’
He thinks I am a nice girl? Wild grimaces, he doesn’t know anything at all. But of course that’s not the point here—but I do beg to differ
‘Taylor—‘
‘just stop—I shouldn’t have made a move on you in the first place—I should have known better—stop looking at me and just focus on your studies okay.’
I don’t know what to do with myself but I just manage to gape at him. As if I already didn’t know from the beginning that I was never in his league. Maybe I hadn’t taken it seriously and that is why we are here at this moment having this conversation. And why does he have to turn into a parent on me?
‘Stop the car.’
‘I said I will take you home and that’s what I am doing.’
‘If you want me to stop looking at you –you have to start from right now.’
A long pause and he pulls the car over. Without a glance at him I pull my tote bag and leave the car. I fight the urge to glance back at him as his car drive past me. When he turns into an intersection I stop near a street light and I lean on it.
Another week passes. I am standing in front of the mirror running a comb in my shoulder length hair that took half of my life time to grow. Is it insane that I am thinking of the day last week that I was stalking Taylor? As I remember that I chuckle under my breath.
‘What are you laughing to yourself about?’ Judith enters my room and throws herself on my bed.
I turn from the mirror to face her, ‘Judith—you’re late.’
‘My boss must have been having PMS today because she was a pain in the neck.’ Judith rolls her eyes the grins, ‘you look great—you should dress like this more often—you are a very beautiful girl,’
I don’t have the fake glasses on and I did put on a fitting cocktail dress and wedges. Judith already knows about Charles of course but not all the details. She likes him a lot, she approves of him by many standards.
‘Thanks—and decent too I hope.’
‘Charles is going to have a heart attack when he sees you.’
Wouldn’t that be liberating? Wild pulls a devilish grin. It’s our first date and I am dreading it. The sooner I get it over with the better.
‘So where is he taking you?’
‘I have no idea’
‘Details later—all of them.’
I shrug. For all I know there won’t be much to tell—the times Charles come home to ‘see me’ as he so declares—it feels like I’m talking to an older relative. He is a nice person but I just--- what am I thinking? I can’t dwell on those thoughts. What I felt for Taylor was crush, and the way my thoughts and heart races around him is called obsession. With Charles I can take hold of everything within me. My mental health is perfectly safe with him
That’s how it’s supposed to be right? Yes—I’ve been in a relationship before and it never felt like that. But that is a wrong thought because it brings the memory of my murdered boyfriend back into my mind and I feel an old ancient ache deep inside my heart. What is weird is that it’s not that I miss him—it’s just that I feel guilty that they all died and I didn’t. I hid away and watched my friends and boyfriend being murdered. I should have done something—I could have done something.
How could I be here worrying about my feelings for people? I don’t even deserve to live.
‘Heather what’s wrong?’ Judith’s concerned voice snaps me back to the present and I see my reflection in the mirror. The look on my face is horrifying. I look like I have aged. I shake my head and breathe in and out—in and out.
I clear my throat, ‘just nervous about the date I suppose.’
‘Ah—why would you be nervous about that?—I wish I can also find my match made from heaven.’
I want to laugh hysterically at that but I hold it. I dab lipstick and nod approvingly at the mirror. As far as I am concerned, Heather died that night—I don’t know who this girl is—or why I am living her life for her. I used to dress up and socialize. I used to be bright and outgoing. I had life plans and dreams. I had daily goals and normal human problems and then it was all over.
Charles meets me outside the gate with a wide smile
‘You look beautiful—you are beautiful.’ He says as he opens the car door for me
‘Thank you.’ I say quietly as I slip into the seat.
It turns out that Charles is taking me to a fancy restaurant after all. I took my arm with his as we enter to find a table. I plaster a smile at something Charles is saying though I have no idea what he said.’
The waitress leads us to our table and was eat down, Charles says he’ll have a coke, I say water—I need water, I’m suddenly so thirsty. A lump is in my throat and I have to force it down.
Minutes later, the waitress returns with our beverages and menus.
‘How are you classes?’ he begins with the everyday anthem. And it’s getting old
‘They are okay—how is your business?’ I sip my water.
‘Our business.’ He corrects as always. ‘It’s doing great. I will take you on a tour very soon.’
By very soon he means when we are married and I will be Mrs. Charles. It’s a dreadful imagination. I just smile and I say nothing. Wild mind is sitting on a rag near a fire place with giant mug of hot chocolate her puffy eyes glued to the TV screen as Titanic’s final tip is drowning into the freezing indigo sea. I fell so sad—
‘I have picked a date for us to visit my parents.’
Wild drops her mud on the floor and it shutter into a thousand pieces. I open my mouth and close it again before I say, ‘so soon?’
‘Why wait? I have come to believe now that we are very compatible and you are right for me. I don’t see the reason for waiting.’
His words do nothing to me. They are supposed to be romantic right? But they are not. Not in my ears. He feels like the second lead in a long Korean drama who can’t get the girl. You know, the second lead character who you end up liking because he is also good looking and seems to like the lead female character better than the first male character. Yeah I will need a Korean Drama marathon after this.
‘They will love you just as I love you.’
I fell nauseous. Love? I don’t know how to love anyone anymore—I ‘m not even sure I am really living most of the time. Love is like talking about buying a land in mars. Tailor’s face comes into my mind—crush—it’s a crush—I don’t love Taylor—heck I don’t even like myself how can I possibly love another human being?
The waitress returns to take our orders, saving me from responding to Charles’ declaration of love.
No I am not marrying anyone. It means I will have to have children. The thought of it makes me shudder. How am I supposed to take care or raise another human being when I sometimes feel like my chromosomes could be misshaped somehow?
I keep the conversation on him all through dinner and its over quickly. Soon he drops me off at my house after a peck on my cheek. I sigh in relief as his car drive away. Whatever it takes—I must get out of this.
Two weeks have passed now, I am still tremendously affected by my brief and chaotic date with Charles and heinous images that come to my mind and now my nightmares whenever I think of marriage and children. It’s a Friday and I am standing at the bus stop waiting for a taxi my tote bag in front of me and a small umbrella covering me. It’s raining hard with thunder and lightning. I hate thunder. Most people remained in the school buildings to wait for the rain to ease a little but I just want to go home. No reason I just want to go.
Must everything have a reason?
Something tags my umbrella backwards and cold water droplets hit my face. It’s not even windy—so what the hell—I turn around, maybe my umbrella stuck on something or someone.
I am as furious as I turn around and my eyes lock with Collin’s teasing gaze
‘What’s your problem? I retort
‘Whoa, she is tough isn’t she?’ a voice drawls at my right hand side and another guy materializes from the heavy misty rain. They are both soaking wet in the rain and are hovering over me.
‘What are you doing?’
Collins barks a stupid laugh and I have no idea what’s so funny because the other lunatic joins him.
‘She will do Collins,’ the lunatic says, ‘she is tough enough for this—good choice.’
‘Stay away from me.’
‘Be polite please little lady,’ lunatic comes close, invading my personal space.
‘Get away from me.’ I stretch my hand to push him away and my wrist is grabbed immediately. I growl furiously at such unwanted contact—
‘Let me go!’ I screech. My umbrella is suddenly gone, rain water is pouring down on me. Soaking me wet. My other wrist is grabbed and I am being pulled.
I scream—its pouring hard, my small umbrella falls on the ground of the bus stop and I am being pulled to the woods behind the bus stop.
Panic now sets in—Collins keeps laughing—is he on drugs or something?
‘Come on.’ The other guy snarls as he keeps on pulling me with him. I keep struggling and I feel someone yank my wet hair and tilting my head to face upwards. I cry from the pain.
I am finally pulled into the woods ad Lunatic shoves me forward, I lose my balance and I fall on the ground on my back, the tote bag lands on my belly.
‘You seem tough—that’s good because if you are going to work for me you will need to be.’ Collins announces looking down at me.
‘Are you crazy?’ I screech, my whole body shaking from cold and anger
‘You need to teach the new slave some manners.’ Lunatic growls.
Collins holds up his hand, ‘it’s your choice Heather—we can be friends or master and slave and personally I prefer the later.’
I glare at him and I use my elbows and legs to get up from the muddy ground. I stand erect, Collins grabs arms and pushes me against a tree. Rain washes from the leaves and comes down on us. The cold water makes me wince but Collins doesn’t seem to care. Either he’s on drugs or I am having a freaking nightmare.
I stomp on his left foot, he curses but doesn’t let me go.
‘You little bitch!’ he growls and yanks at my hair
Oh for crying out loud for a guy with dread locks does he not have respect for hair?
‘You will pay for that.’
‘Let go of me!” I scream again and I see his hand arc towards my face but pauses midair. Even in the pouring rain, everything is quiet for a moment and we all hear someone shouting. Lunatic looks around frantically before he dashes into the woods and runs away. Collins let me go and also run.
My knees give out and I land on the ground, slumping against the tree trunk. The rain is pouring hard on me—in my peripheral vision I see a man run through the trees distance away, I try to call him but my voice is too thick from shock and the cold rain. He vanishes in the trees.
Thunder rumbles loudly and lightning flashes across the sky. I begin to sob loudly—I don’t know for how long before I crawl toward my tote bag lying on the muddy ground.
I finally figure out that I need to call someone. It takes me a precious minutes before my almost frozen fingers are able to open the zip and I am surprised to find that inside is quiet dry. They weren’t kidding when they said that the bag is waterproof.
I find the small inner pocket where my phone is. Thankfully the rain has eased a little, maybe I can operate my phone without killing it.
My backlight turns on—my vision is beginning to blur and I think my head is spinning and the letters are doubling on the screen. I can’t even find the contacts icon.
I decide to dial a number but my memory doesn’t seem to get the numbers right. So I punch in the number that comes precisely to my mind at the moment. The only number that never seems to falter even at a moment like this.
I press dial and he answers on the second ring.
‘Heather!’
He still has number?
‘Taylor.’ I manage to speak loudly and the effort sends a jolt of pain inside my chest.
‘Heather? What’s wrong with your voice?’
‘I—I—’ my teeth begin to clutter together from the cold and I press my lips together before I am able to speak again, ‘Taylor.’ Great even my voice is fading now
‘Heather—are you there?’
I try to speak again but my strength leaves me and my hand numbs, and falls on the ground, still holding the phone. My eyes are closing on their own accord.
Maybe this is the way I will die after all. Cold and in pain in the middle of the woods. They will probably find my body after two weeks—if I am not that far from the road of course.
I stop fighting to stay awake and I close my eyes. I am going into a deep sleep—I may never wake up from.