Betrayal is like a virus. It can be tamed and silenced but it has no cure. The youth pastor keep telling us that God can cure anything. I’ve seen firsthand the cure he spoke of, deadly diseases, broken bones, and people changing instantly. Seriously something massive is going on in that church that God I assume doesn’t want me to be a part of. Because despite seeing and hearing all these things, I still can’t believe enough that God wants anything to do with my life story.
Bad memories do not have a cure. To be more precise, my memories do not have a cure.
‘You should come to the hike this weekend.’ Judith says as she pushed my books aside to sit with me on the bed, ‘all the church youth will be there and pastor Luke says that it’s a spiritual journey.
I don’t want to go for the hike- though I do like hiking. No I fantasize it on my better days. But I don’t want to physically do it. The last time I was in a jungle all hell broke loose.
‘I have weekend classes.’
‘Oh come on.’ Judith rolls her eyes, ‘all college and no fun makes you a dull person.’
‘That’s not how the saying goes,’ I arc an eyebrow upwards, ‘and besides you know I can’t get away on Saturdays—I run a diner here.’
‘You are the one who worries that all these people will starve to death without you.
Like she ever lived here before, wild mutters grudgingly
And I’d rather survive the Saturday craziness than hike. If only Judith knew- she would stop pressing the issue on me. And the spiritual journey? Wild scoffs loudly folding her arms—why bother?
‘Please!’ Judith does the puppy face
I groan, no it’s not cute it looks terrifying, ‘I will think about it.’
She grins triumphantly, ‘still better than a no. so when you decide- you text me and I will come and get you okay?’
I nod with a taut smile. Sometimes I wonder where Judith get all that energy from, I felt tired just by the thought of facing another day. I don’t know why she is still my friend. Well maybe friend is a little bit exaggerated—Pastor Luke put us together as prayer partners.
When Judith leaves I start on the business ethics group assignment. I remember the look on Collin’s face when I threatened him and I laugh mirthlessly to myself. The freak had it coming!
It is said that two work better than one—yeah even though the end result is disastrous, but I still like working alone the best. And there is no way in heaven am I going to work with Collin. Normally I would try to appeal to his better nature and get this work done. But not anymore—maybe there is no better side to naturally evil people. I had decided long time ago
Father is the typical traditional type of person. Sometimes I wildly believe that he may have accidentally teleported from the 1800s. He still believes the whole women had different roles than men thing and that it is a waste of energy to send a girl child to school. So I guess he grudgingly educated me my whole life, not that I am complaining.
Mother and aunt had to negotiate for half of their lives-well I suppose- before they could try to find ways to earn money for themselves or something like that. They asked father and uncle’s opinions before doing anything. It still does make any sense to me. Or perhaps they all teleported from historic ear together where women only had children and satisfied their husbands.
In my point of view, marriage is a prison under lock and key. It almost seemed like being owned by someone ordering you around just because you are female.
My aunt often tells me that I am twisted by the TV and books I read. Maybe she is right and I can’t deny that I have thought problems or that my point of view differs from that of every other human being on planet earth!
The topic is a lot of dilemma to conclude so I drew out my own safe conclusion that could save me from the expected slavery
Don’t get married! Period.
When I walk into the dining room on Saturday morning, father and older brother are having breakfast. Father has that look on his face. I was too farm ilia with a look to know that he is about to make another painful announcement.
I greeted them and I sit down.
‘Are you still going for the hike?’ Father asks, mildly interested, I doubt the man ever hiked his whole life unless it was absolutely necessary because he was shocked I think when I explained that hiking is a hobby.
‘Yes.’ I reply.
‘When will you be back?’
‘Midday!’
‘That’s good.’ His faces twists into a wide smile, ‘we have a guest who will be with us tonight.’ He turns to older brother, ‘is Charles still coming?’
‘Yes father, just as planned. ‘Brother answered flashing a smile at me.
Who was Charles? Probably another relative, the weekend never passes without them. In fact there are so many I gave up keeping up with them.
‘Great,’ father beams, ‘go and have fun, and we will all see you when you get back.’
My eyebrows nearly shoot up at my father. I’ve known father my whole life to understand that such level of enthusiasm means that he probably found another way to make very one’s lives more complicated and miserable than they already are. Okay, maybe not literally but close enough.
Why did I agree to this again?
I’d pictured this outing a little differently, fresh air, hill top scenarios I wanted to act out like the scene I put in my head last night of my lovely self on the hilltop looking so lovely under the sun.
A stab of disappointment hit me when I observed reality. My face is itchy and sweaty, I’m not sure which part of my body is aching at the moment. Pastor Luke decides to draw a sermon and decides that sitting under the hot sun was the best way to deliver it.
‘There is nothing that you are going through that no one has ever globe through—you are not alone. We endure knowing that at His appointed time God will come to our rescue.’
Why do I feel like he has been on this point for the past decade? What am I even doing here? I never hiked anymore since—my chest tightens as the memory threatens to come into my mind. I push it away. Thinking about that day here in the woods would do no good for me or for anyone.
Twenty four months was enough for me get over it wasn’t it?
Screams, the ripple of the river
Raucous laughter
My name being called
A body floating in the river
My hands in my hair I scream, sinking to my knees
The cell door closing before my eyes and that dark triumphant evil smile.
I inhale sharply to snap out of my horror reverie only to see Pastor Luke gazing at me with concern on his face.
‘Heather are you okay?’
‘I’m fine,’ I reply quickly as I am still trying to recover myself but I can’t because I suddenly have trouble breathing. I need to calm down. The last thing I need is to end up on a counselling session with some stranger I don’t know trying to make me tell them my life story.
Of course they say that confession brought deliverance, I don’t think that would work for me. Not all proposed solutions work for the entire human race.
‘I get dizzy when I sit in the sun for too long.’ I lie.
Pastor Low nods and smiles weakly, ‘you need some water and a shade.’
‘Here’s water.’ Someone offers. The bottle is passed until it reaches me. I see everyone king of relax as I gulp in water and look more relaxed.
But I still notice a little worry and doubt on the pastor’s face. Thought he is diverting everyone’s attention from my predicament he obviously doesn’t believe that I have a rare sickness that requires me to stay out of the sun
It’s not as if I were a vampire.
‘Seriously are you okay?’ Judith asks me for the millionth time. I want to hide somewhere, almost all people from the group have already come to ask if I was okay? I wonder if they mean presently or my whole screwed up life.
‘I’m fine,’ I say as I relax into my seat.
‘I’m just worried,’ Judith sighs. ‘You looked like you were about to die back there.’
Crap, I guess I did look that bad. My bad memories are indeed horrifying and wasn’t it convenient that they had to show up during that time
‘I’m so tired,’ I mumble as I lean my head against my seat and close my eyes. Oh how I long for a slow soul song.
‘Heather.’ Judith taps me on the shoulder.
‘What?’ I say in a lazy do-not-disturb-me voice
‘Look who is here!’ she gasps.
‘Who?’ I just want to go home, I don’t care if angel Gabriel slipped off the grand heaven stairway and fell on earth with a thud,
‘It’s Evangelist Abiwu’s son.’
I want to roll my eyes. I don’t even know who that it. Between Christians and non-Christians, their trend of celebrities was a fine line between entertainment famous faces and prominent preachers. I still don’t get what the fuss is all about.
‘Evangelist who?’ I open my eyes to scowl at her
‘The Ghanaian evangelist who visited our church once.’
‘When was that?’
Judith looks so giddy. ‘Two years ago—but his son remained with our church for a time—I guess he’s still in Botswana after all.’
‘Oh, so what did he do?’
‘he was in the praise and worship team but left after his mother died--- we all thought he returned to live with his father in Ghana,’
‘Are you going to go and say hello?’ I raise an eyebrow at her
‘No, that would be awkward and I don’t want people to assume that I have carnal interests in him or something.’
I chuckle, ‘oh my god!’
I turn my head to look out the window. Just to see him so that I can remember him if Judith ever speak of him again. His back is at the minivan. He is talking with Pastor Luke who look very fond of him. Pastor Luke is fond of everyone. Pastor Luke seems a little confrontational and the man is laughing and nodding his head.
He’s definitely not here for a hike, I study his dark jeans and orange t-shirt. The orange color makes his light skin very appealing or it’s just that I have a weakness for that skin which reminds me of someone.
Some other guy from the choir comes out of the minivan and walks up to Ghananian with grin.
He swats Ghananian’s arm in a cheery greeting. Pastor Luke grins and Ghananian turns to the choir guy whose name I don’t remember at the moment with a ridiculous grin on his face. His brows shoot up his face in recognition and the two share a brief hug.
Wild appears and we both gap, dumbstruck. No way. No freaking way. Please tell me he has a twin brother or it just so happens that his exact look alike also lives in Botswana.
‘Is that him?’ I ask Judith beside me.
Judith turns to look at me than past me out the window,
‘Yes.’ She looks at me, ‘you know him?’
‘no.’ I lie. ‘He doesn’t look Ghanaian.’
‘His mother is a Motswana but he is a carbon copy of his father, except the light complexion, his mother was half white.’
Choir boy and Ghanaian are talking animatedly—displaying old friendship. I could already picture his life story. His mother dies, his father returns to his home
Country and he leaves the church.
From the whispers that erupts inside the minivan, he was a beloved person and old friend.
‘Oh my God, he is coming here!’ Judith gasps
I snap out of my thoughts and my eyes looks out just his last foot is entering the minivan.
Everyone greeted him animatedly as soon as he steps inside. Even Judith stood and walked to give him a long lecture like greeting. I remain in my seat and I take out my phone just to maintain my sanity and half hoping that he won’t even native my existence.
‘Join us for lunch!” pastor Luke insists
NO!
‘Sure.’ ‘Great, you can have this seat here.’
Either my peripheral vision is playing tricks on me or is Pastor Luke pointing at the empty seat beside me? Where on earth did Judith vanish to?
I want to keep staring at my phone because my heart is suddenly doing somersaults inside me. A lump comes to my throat and my palms start to sweat.
He comes to sink in the seat beside me
Crap!
He turns to look at me the same time I decide to stop pretending to poke at my phone. My eyes meet dark brown gaze and my heart starts to pump faster than it necessary. I can’t help myself and he is this close. There is a brief moment when it feel like the world has paused and has matched the pace of my beating heart. He is surprised to see me then his face smoothens to a neutral expression
‘Heather!’ the way his eyes sweeps me makes me very self-conscious and I feel heat going to my face. Maybe he is the weird person because I don’t feel like this when any other person looks at me. And also now I know why his voice is nice. He is a singer
‘Taylor.’ I say kicking my wild thoughts away with a taut smile. My wild mind grimaces in disappointment.
‘It’s good you decided to drop the formalities.’
I purse my lips, - I am annoyed, his existence is ruining my mental health. Wild nods in agreement.
‘We are not in school.’ I mumble and gaze out the window. I can feel his eyes on me. That makes me even more annoyed because I am dusty, sweaty and almost insane and he is sitting there all dashing and smelling like fresh laundry.
‘You are a church girl!’
I turn to look at him with raised eyebrows, what does that even mean.
‘Excuse me?’
‘That explains your behavior the last time we met, but not quite.’
I blink at him, ‘are you always this straight forward?’
‘Yes.’ He answers simply
I press my lips together depreciatively, ‘why is that a thing?’ I mumble to myself
He narrows his eyes at me. ‘Do I annoy you or are you basically just annoyed with everyone?’
Everyone? Well I wouldn’t know. I am anti-social to some degree and as for him, I can’t describe my present predicament as annoyance but I do want to run from him like he was the plague.
‘Yes.’ I say breathing out. Because it’s suddenly so hot in here. Did someone forget to turn on the air conditioning? And can’t he look elsewhere other than my face
‘You don’t even know me.’
‘Neither do you!’
‘I am willing to try.’
I meet his gaze, ‘why?’
‘Because I think you are attractive and I know you think I am as well.’
I blink and I’m not sure whether to laugh or to scoff. So I just lift my phone and start to poke at the screen in order to ignore him. So he is hitting on me after all, has he gone mad? Doesn’t he have eyes? Oh he does—dark captive brown.
He chuckles under his breath before he takes my phone from my hands and start to navigate it as if it was his.
‘What are you doing?’ I ask as if I haven’t figured out that he is saving a number in my phone. I should keep a security pattern on the thing but father was hell bend on invading my privacy like it was his favorite past time in the world.
‘Heather.’ He says as he hands me my phone back,
I nod slowly and I smile. I mean what else I can do at this point. It’s not as if I am not secretly thrilled that he has given me his number or that he has found any interest in me at all.
But I won’t go into all that. I’ve seen a dangerous world and I won’t relive it. I am still trying to figure my way back to the normal world and I don’t have time for this.
Geez it’s just a phone number, my wild mind rolls her eyes at my overthinking. I am not overthinking, I argue, I am simply looking at things now and beyond.
I glance at the new contact. Taylor.
The lunch turns out to be very eventful. The youth group are very fond of Taylor as it seems and they do have a lot of good old memories to laugh about throughout lunch. It baffles me that he doesn’t even seem uncomfortable since he is someone who left the church.
I suddenly have a wild desire to hear him sing. Maybe because I spend the entire lunch session staring at him and studying him. It’s a weird feeling. How do I describe that I am being fascinated by this person I only met twice now. It feels as though the guy is everywhere—or has been everywhere for the past few days ever since I ran into him in the parking lot.
Other than that, the church group is so comfortable with him. I grew up attending a stern Church that had very strict rules. Do and don’ts. You do something to shame the congregation they will gladly tell you to pack your load and not poison all others. You had to tread carefully around those people. It was the kind of worship centre my father highly approved of. He thought himself as a good displinarian. I viewed him as a personal version of Hitler in the house
This church group was different, no one even tried to give Taylor the five hundred minutes lecture about him returning to the Lord or face the fires of hell.
The topic always makes my heart to lurch in my chest. How will I even begin to ‘return to the Lord’? Where would I even start from?
The lunch is soon over and we all hurry back to the minivan. Judith is having a Q&A conversation with Taylor and imp guessing that maybe she likes him. I don’t blame her. The man is a walking temptation. Not only because I think he is too attractive but because he isn’t in the Christian social circles. Maybe people like him were not meant to be with this kind of crowd, they had to derail the entire female population.
Wild smiles smugly at this new theory. I begin to march purposefully towards the van noting that I will be walking past Judith and Taylor, not that I had planned it but why did they decide to chat in the middle of the road?
I pick up my pace and walk hastily past the two- well almost before Taylor stops me by gripping my hand.
He has done it again. What is wrong with this man?
I think Judith is more surprised by it more than I am. I want to kick Taylor. Is he aware that the entire church group is witnessing this whole exchange?
‘Well it was nice seeing you again Taylor.’ Judith’s smile falters since she is still wondering why Taylor is holding my hand like we are a dear been-together-for-a-long-time couple. She pats his arm before walking away.
Territory, I think wildly, women mark their territory by touch. And this is not just a hypothesis.
‘Same here—have a nice weekend, I’ll see you around.’ He keeps his eyes on me as he speaks.
I’ve seen this before and read about it a thousand times but oh boy never have I felt so vulnerable and helplessly flattered under anyone’s gaze before. This is unnerving.
Even father who claims to be equivalent to the king of the jungle never manage to confuse the administrative department of my thoughts like this.
I tag my hand my and he lets go after his traitorous fingers linger a little bit inside my palm making my hand to tingle.
‘You have a nice weekend Taylor.’ I decide to be civil and he has a small mocking smile on his face.
‘Call me!’ he narrows his eyes and wild freezes for a moment before passing out.
‘Maybe!’ I say nonchalantly.
If he thinks I’m simply going to pick up my phone and call him he had another thing coming. Since the man seems to be everywhere at least I’m sure that he won’t appear at my house. So my mental health should be safe until Monday at school.