Best performed drunk.
The scene is the courtyard in front of the foreboding castle of Agamemnon and Clytemnestra. Upstage are the regulation every-Greek-tragedy-you’ve-ever-seen ominous double doors leading into the castle. Enter Cassandra, looking less than regal in her tattered robes, dusty sandals and crown of withered laurel leaves. A cigarette hangs pugnaciously from the corner of her mouth. She is a chain smoker, as we will see. She stops center, hands on hips, and peruses her surroundings.
So, this is Argos, huh? Boy, what a nothing joint this turned out to be. Geez, and I thought Troy was in the middle of nowhere. This must be the armpit of the Universe. No.
(She points to the castle)
No. He’s the armpit of the Universe. Agamemnon. Kind of a big deal. When he docked his boat just now his old lady was down there like a bat outta Hell. Horny-lookin old thing. Where the hell is everybody? He’s been gone for ten years, you’d at least think they’d want to know who won the fuckin’ war.
(shouts)
Anybody home!
(Pause)
Hey! Lets get some pagan revelries goin’ here!
Shutup out there! People are trying to sleep!
Who said that!
I did!
Yeah, well, this is Cassandra you’re talkin’ to, asshole!
Who?
Cassandra!
(pause)
Cassandra who?
(for the thousandth time)
Cassandra the Prophetess, Princess of Troy, who was beloved of the god Apollo and given the gift of prophecy by him, but she spurned him and so he put a curse on her so that now nobody believes anything I say, that Cassandra!
You’re Cassandra the Prophetess?
Yeah!
(pause)
I don’t believe it!
Every time.
(shouts)
Go to sleep, clown! Its past your bedtime!
Tell me about it!
(Cassandra turns her attention to her surroundings) All this place need is some apples in a tub and a couple of Jack O’Lanterns and we can have Halloween.
(Enter, screaming and howling, the Furies, Alecto with her torch, Tisiphone with her whip and Megaera with her sickle. They are in curlers and frowsy housecoats and are a dark, bilious green in color. Cassandra screams and flattens against a column.) Cassandra
I got a biiig mouth!
Tremble, mortal!
Thine acts of blood…
Must now come to account
(pause)
Jesus Christ!
Who?
Whatever. What are you done up for, the spring cotillion?
We are Alecto!
Tisiphone!
And Megaera!
So, you’re what? A singing group?
We are the Furies!
The Furies!
(They howl and scream)
Okay, okay, you’re the Furies. Geez.
Shutup out there!
(The Furies glare ominously and move slowly towards the voice)
Uh, I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Buddy! Calm down, girls.
So who are you!
Cassandra the Prophetess!
(Pause)
I don’t believe it!
I’m really starting to hate him.
You want us to waste him for you, Dearie?
No, no, that’s okay. Now look, what are you guys doing here and in the middle of the night?
They sent us over to torment Orestes for the murder of his mother, Clytemnestra!
(They howl and scream)
Well, Orestes ain’t here!
(The Furies are confused)
This is the Orestaia, isn’t it?
Yeah, but this is the Agamemnon, you guys don’t show up until the Eumenides.
Goddammit, I told you we’d be early!
(sighs)
Well, come one, girls, let’s go home.
No, look, stick around, you can be the chorus.
Why should we be the chorus? Where are the elders of Argos?
They’re asleep. Its three o’clock in the morning, for Chrisssake.
(Pause)
Well…
What do we have to do?
Its easy. You just have to groan a lot and dance at the important places.
Well, okay, well give it a try.
Say, who are you anyway?
I’m Cassandra the Prophetess.
You’re Cassandra the Prophetess?
Yeah.
I don’t…
Don’t say it, bitch.
Oh, she’s the one with the curse so that nobody believes anything she says.
Yeah. Nobody laughs at my jokes, either.
Tough break, dearie.
Nobody laughs at your jokes?
Nope.
I don’t believe it.
(Sighs)
Okay, I’ll prove it to you. I’m gonna tell you a joke. You won’t laugh.
Oh, Sweetie, well laugh for you! Right, girls?
(The sisters agree)
Well, okay. This guy in Athens walks into a tailor shop and holds up these two togas with big tears in them. The tailor looks up and says, You rip a-dese? And the guy says, You, menna dese?
(Pause. Cassandra is waiting for the laugh. The Furies are waiting for the punch-line) Forget it! Forget it!
I hope you weren’t planning on a career in politics, dear.
What would I run for? Queen?
That’s true.
Besides, to be a politician, you gotta be able to lie and make people believe it. I tell the truth and nobody believes it.
Oh, I don’t believe that.
Ah, shutup.
Wheres your boyfriend Oedipus?
Agamemnon. Oedipus is the guy with the limp who answered the riddle of the Sphinx monster, married his mother and poked out his eyes. Agamemnon is the limp guy who poked his mother, married a monster and doesn’t know the answer to anything.
I always get them mixed up.
(Looking skyward)
What?
I said I always get…
Sh, sh, sh.
(Continues to stare upwards)
Whats she doing?
(Pause)
I don’t know.
(Pause)
Maybe she’s making a wish.
(Alecto and Megaera stare at Tisiphone; she shrugs)
You don’t say?
(Pause)
You don’t say?
(Pause)
You don’t say. Hmph.
Who was it?
He didn’t say.
What did you just do?
I just got a telegram from the boys upstairs.
Whats a telegram?
Its like a prophecy, only faster.
What did it say?
Well…hey, why should I tell you? You won’t believe me!
Oh, don’t be paranoid, dear.
You won’t!
What did they say?
Okay. Clytemnestra, she’s in there right now with Agamemnon?
Yeah?
She’s gonna kill him!
Clytemnestra is gonna kill Agamemnon?
Yup.
I don’t believe it.
(Suddenly, a bell is heard clanging and the rumble of an approaching train. Lights from the trains windows move across the stage, maybe a hiss of steam. The train screeches to a halt. The Furies are terrified.)
Argos! All passengers for Argos!
Whats that!
What does it look like!
Incredible!
Yeah. I didnt know the A-train stopped at Argos.
There are people coming out of it!
Well. I wondered how long it would take those assholes to show up.
Who’s the guy in the gold lammé?
Well, it aint Brad Pitt.
Who?
Forget it.
All aboard for Thebes! Thebes is next!
(The train departs noisily. Enter Apollo, Athena and Hermes. They look like Apollo, Athena and Hermes.)
So, this is Argos. Boy, what a nothing joint this turned out to be.
(Sees Cassandra)
Cassandra! Baby!
Fuck off, Tinsel-Toga.
What kind of way is that to talk?
I should be glad to see you? Girls, this is Apollo, the god of light. Better known as the Golden Rat. These are the Furies.
Uh, hi.
Hello.
Its an honor.
I’ve admired your work.
(looking skyward)
What now?
(pause)
Are you shitting me?
(pause)
Figures. Jeez.
What was that?
Second telegram.
What’s up, doll?
End the road, “doll. “
What now?
First Agamemnon, then me.
You poor darling.
Yeah, well, that’s mythology for ya.
Who authorized that!
Don’t look at me. Its not my department.
Name on the order reads A-P-L-L-O.
What!
That’ll teach you to read what you’re signing.
Cassandra, I…
Forget it! Everybody has a bad day once in a while.
You’re Cassandra the Prophetess?
Yeah.
(Pause)
Hard to believe.
Is that why you’re here? As conductor of the dead?
Yeah, and could you sort of step on it? Apollo goes on duty in a minute and I’ve got an appointment in Samarra.
Oh, I’ll just run right in there, sure, it’ll only take a second.
Crusty little thing, arent you?
Yeah.
(To Apollo)
Bet she goes down for a drachma.
Hey!
Hermie, come look! Agamemnon’s getting into the bath tub.
(All except Cassandra cluster together to watch Agamemnon’s murder.) She’s got the sword behind her back.
He’s reaching for the soap!
Ohhhh, Shiiiiit!
(They cheer. Pause. They wait expectantly. Pause. They frown.) Athena
That’s it?
You were expecting a brass band?
That’s all? That they call classical tragedy? Boy, wait’ll I tell Dionysus.
(Sadly)
It’s always like that.
(To Hermes)
You watch that kind of thing all day?
Its a job.
Well. Come on, lets catch the train back.
What a waste.
Lets go to that little town in Italy. Something about two brothers having a fight. Romo and Remo, something.
(Exit)
Hey, Sweetie, is this one of the important parts were supposed to dance at?
About as important as any, Sister.
Hit it, girls!
(Humming, they begin to dance about. Or maybe a tap dance number. They commandeer Hermes)
(To Cassandra)
Look, will you get in there? Some of us have a busy day!
Go on in, I’m comin’.
(As he and the Furies dance into the palace)
Oh, Mary, I’ll have to carry both those stiffs myself!
Who’s Mary?
Never mind.
(Exuent Hermes and the Furies)
Sorry about the mix-up, Doll.
Hey, you’re the Sun God, you’ve got a lot to think about.
No hard feelings?
I knew the job was dangerous when I took it.
Nothing I can do for you?
Nah. Take it easy, huh?
(Hermes returns)
Come on, woman!
I’m comin’, I’m comin’!
(Exit Hermes)
Shutup out there!
Shutup yourself!
Who said that!
I did!
Who’re you!
Cassandra!
Cassandra who!
Cassandra the Prophetess!
(Pause)
You’re Cassandra the Prophetess!
Yeah!
(Pause)
Wow!
(Cassandra is surprised and pleased; she looks at Apollo)
Thanks, honey. I appreciate it.
Da nada. It was the least I could do. Knock-em dead, kid.
(Exit Apollo)
Funny you should put it that way.
What?!
I said funny you should put it that way!
What are you talking about?
Never mind. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
(She tosses her lit cigarette butt center stage. She turns and walk slowly into the palace as the lights fade to black.)