I drifted into sleep sometime then, I do not know how long, but when I woke his now flaccid penis still rested in my hand. There was a soft and very dim light, and I could see Argyl's chest slowly rise and fall in sleep, the outline of my hand holding him. And on the other side of him, Jade. Was she sleeping? She barely moved. I could see her nude chest rise and fall, the silhouette of her breasts.
I released Argyl slowly and gently replaced his hose. They fit only loosely, which helped. My muscles were sore but warm and not cramped. I was able to move almost gingerly. I put a knee and an arm between them, there was just enough room, then slid the blankets over me and, switching hands, over her. I maneuvered my weight so that I landed besides her, and tucked the blankets about me. I put my body next to her to warm her. She was not cold, but was cooler than me. The ground beneath me was soft and slightly damp, but warm.
I felt her pulse on her neck and it was weak but steady. Her splints were gone and I could not make out any bruises in the dim light. I kissed her forehead and took her hand in mine. She did not stir. My heart thrilled to hold her hand and body, I wrapped my other hand about her chest just below her breasts. A strong woman made weak by circumstance. I watched her sleep for a long time, the rise and fall of her chest, the tiny twitches of her eyes beneath their lids.
At some point I slipped into sleep. Again I did not dream.
I woke to Jade stirring. She had rolled in her sleep so that we lay in an embrace, arms wrapped about each other, breasts pressed to breast.
“What, what are you, what are you?” she mumbled.
“Mistress, I do not understand.” Her eyes came open and I realized she had been sleeping still.
“What?” She said, releasing me but not pushing me away.
“Mistress, are you cold, do you hurt?”
“What? Oh. No, I am not cold. I feel, I feel very tired but not pain.”
“I am glad, mistress, I feared for you.”
“I'll bet.”
“Jade,” Argyl said.
She turned to him. “Oh, Argyl how, I mean, are you okay? I thought they had killed you. I--.”
“No, I am okay. What do you remember last?”
“Um, why are we naked?”
“They, your clothes were lost. And it's better when you are freezing not to wear much, creates more warmth in the insulated space, and Kara, she had only her dress.”
“Um. Okay. As long as you didn't fuck her.”
“I didn't.”
“I wanted him to mistress, but he would not.”
“Fuck,” she said harshly, and they were both quiet. I felt tension. How do we sense these things?
“Mistress, I,”
“Shut up.” I did.
“You should have Argyl. Serve me fucking right.”
“Jade.”
“Why the fuck do we have her with us anyway?”
“Jade, please.”
“Fuck.”
“Mistress, I, I am not a, I am a slave mistress, I do not count. To sleep with me, I am not a woman who is a threat to you, I am a slave.”
They were both quiet.
“Fuck,” Jade said again.
“Kara,” Argyl started.
“No” interrupted Jade. She turned to face me, put her hand on my side just above my hip. “Kara, look, you are not a slave.”
“Mistress,”
“No no, you just said you wanted to fuck my husband, that means I get to be mad and hateful. But no, you think you are a slave, less than human. But listen. Argyl does not believe in slavery. Not just that he doesn't think it is just, but that he doesn't believe it is real. Practically speaking, it's too fine a distinction for me. But for us, you are not a slave. I let you call me mistress because I thought it was funny. But I was wrong. It isn't. You're fucked up Kara, they fucked you up. But you're not a slave. You're a woman just like me. So. Don't. Fuck. My. Husband. Okay?”
“Mistress,”
“No. No mistress. Fuck.”
“Jade.”
“No! Okay, it needs to be fair.” She turned to him. “Argyl, it needs to be fair.”
“Jade, don't,”
“No,” she turned back to me. “One time. I cheated, he can cheat. One time. Only one time. He can fuck you one time and that's it. And I don't ever want to know about it.”
“Jade,”
“Mistress,”
“Don't fucking call me that. My name is Jade.”
I stared at her.
“Jade, I,” I had nothing to say, I stared at her.
“Jade, I am not going to fuck her. I, it's okay. It was a long time ago now.”
“You hate me for it.”
“I don't hate you for it.”
“Well fuck you, you should.”
“No, Jade.
“Mistress, I mean, Jade, please don't fight with him because of me. I have a lover already. I don't know, but I love you and I don't want this for you. My body, it, I don't know.” I was weeping and she took me into her arms. Why was I weeping? A cold stone floor, the blows to my back, weeping and they beat me, and my lover, but leave it. I couldn't stop. There was an ocean of unshed tears, and I shuddered in Jade's arms as I shook, the terror of those first beatings, those first invasions, the first drops held back. My purpose to be fucked, my purpose to be fucked, to be used. They beat my body on that cold stone floor.
“Kara Kara Kara,” she said. Argyl was silent. I wept and she held me. “We do this too much Kara. I am so sorry for what they've done to you.”
My voice spoke as another would. “Mistress, Jade, Mistress, I am lost mistress. If I am not a slave what am I? If, I have done, I have killed. If I killed for myself, not for my master, what am I? I am a beast, a monster.” My hands on the woman's throat, her skin clamy in the sticky gel. The spray of blood onto my body, the man's life pouring onto me and me the killer.
“Shhh,” she said. Then “Fuck. Argyl, you, fuck.” She was weeping too then. “Just don't fuck him, okay?”
“Mist, Jade, I will obey.”
“No, don't obey! Just do it, don't obey just fucking do it.”
“I do not understand.” My strange voice was tiny, thin. My mind retreating into darkness, floating back into nothing. My hate will make me strong, my hate is pure, hate for the whole fucking world. But this soft body, this weeping woman who wept for my suffering, I could not hate. A breech through which an ocean raged.
“Fuck,” she said for the last time. Argyl was silent too. “She betrayed us Argyl,.” She pulled me closer, my sobs slowing, my mind exhausted and slowing. “When the brutes, when that man, she knew him, she swore allegiance to him. She called him master.” I was weeping too hard to respond. I buried myself in her and shook with my tears.
“Jade, it must have been a trick. When I came she stabbed that man, she broke his spell and must have killed him. We all would have died, I came to save you but it was, I had no real chance, I am no swordsman.”
“I thought you were dead,” Jade said quietly. There were tears in her voice, but she did not shed them.
“No, I killed the man who chased me. He was big but stupid, I choked him. I took his sword. When I saw that brute knock you down, I came to save you.” He put his arm around her and she took his hand and pulled it over her, between us. It was quiet for a time, but not uncomfortably so. I pulled myself closer to Jade and felt the dampness of our tears in her hair.
“Mistress, Jade, I still do not understand. Sex with me should no more be a threat to you than you fucking me should be to him.”
“Um. I'm not sure that makes sense.”
“Mistress,”
“No, okay. Kara, you can't just go around fucking everyone. I mean, people don't.
Argyl is married. I'm married. You don't do that without consequences. It's not, sex is like that. I'm not into girls anyway.”
I understood the form, but--
“Out loud, Kara.”
“Yes Mistress. I understand the form of it, of monogamy. But, but I am the slave. It is my function, I do not count, I ought not to count. Slave or not, it is my function. You might as well be angry at a dildo. I could not be a lover, I wish to be fucked, to serve my function for my, for people who I like, that I respect, that I would serve.”
“You are not a slave, Kara. Not to us.”
“But, it is my function none the less.”
It was quiet for a while.
“Kara, it might be different. I am not, I am not a very good wife. I'm no prude, you know. I mean, I am not a jealous woman. But don't fuck him. I am a bad wife. I cheated on him, I was very stupid. It's hard, it's harder than just sex. Maybe, in a different time or place, or if we were happier, if it wasn't always so damn hard.”
“I am happy Jade.” Argyl said.
“No.”
It was awkward and quiet for a time. I felt Jade breath, enjoyed the press of her breasts and stomach against me. She seemed very tired. She seemed very beautiful. Strong, vulnerable only now, brought low by circumstance. The opposite of me. Invulnerable in my fortress of cynicism and hate, week in body and in will.
“Kara,”
“Yes Mis-- Jade.
“I'm sorry I was angry.”
“Mistress, I deserved it”
“No, I was the one who was weak.”
“No, Mistress. You are strong. You are your own woman, you have respect. From men, but more you have your own. I am small and lost without a master's will. Need a master's will to know to wipe my ass. I am a nothing, a vehicle of another's will. A mechanism. You are the master, I am a slave, just a slave no matter. My will, at best my will to prefer a master to another. To prefer to serve my lover to my demon, to prefer you and Argyl to whoring. My pathetic will, to be fucked by a man that he might own me and protect me, that I might discern myself in his will for me, master or no. You are very beautiful.” Pulling back, I traced her body, her stomach, hips and breasts with my fingers. Then held her hand to the scar where my breast had been.
“I am not whole. This broken body was not mine, it was made for me. Made by a slave of my master, himself my master. A slave's slave. Made to be fucked and abused, to serve no function but to masturbate a master's vain will.” They were quiet a moment when I finished speaking. I wonder if it was I who had spoken. I felt that it was my body, not myself, that I was buried further inside myself than the mind that formed those words.
“I am so sorry Kara” she said after a time. She had rolled to face me. She put her arm on my waist. Carefully not sexual, but close still. I took her hand in mine and, hesitating, she took it.
Her back to Argyl I realized, who had been quiet. He turned himself to face away from her.