I felt a great joy in falling. The adrenaline that would fuel fear or panic in another grew in me a joy beyond any I had know. My suicide! I plummeted to it with increasing speed. I seemed to fall a long, long time, and I was whooping with joy, screaming and yelling and laughing into the rush of wind, the coming of death thrilling me with joy. I had jumped! My will had propelled me from that precipice. Not my master's, not my thought of what another would wish. Mine. My suicide. My first and last great act. My suicide! I whooped into the infinity that rushed up at me, went to my death with a heart spilling over with joy.
I struck water at an incredible velocity. I don't see how my body survived the violence of the fall, into water or not. If you have ever missed a dive or belly flopped from even a short dive you know the violence impacting water can cause. I fell for a long time, many minutes, and I can't conceive of any angle I could have struck the water that would not have broken my body.
But somehow I was alive and underwater and very, very cold. Already chilled by the wind of the fall, my limbs and face were almost instantly numb, and my thoughts grew groggy and I surely should have drowned, wished to freeze and drown and die. Yet again, my suicide was foiled by incredible circumstance, so that I must wonder if some divine power intervened then to spare my life.
I remember little of that freezing water save it seemed to have no bottom or top, seemed to extend forever about me. I knew not which way was up, and sought to sink myself further, but somehow I was floating and moving up, up forever, and I opened my lungs to breath and pulled in thick water that blacked my vision and I was sure I had died at last, felt the euphoria build inside me with giddy love.
And then I was sputtering and puking salty water and rough hands were holding me and hairy lips were breathing air into my lungs. I coughed and sputtered and I was being carried and puked more water down the back of who was carrying me, but they seemed not to mind.
I was dropped at some point and many bodies came around mine, rubbing warmth into my numb limbs and pulling black webs from my mind. Satyrs, I realized, nude drunken beasts, rubbed life back into me, the bastards.
“I wanted to die,” I whispered, hoarsely, barely able to speak.
Achtan stood over me, I realized, separate from the goat men who rubbed their hands and genitals against me. He said nothing, but put into my mouth a large glob of black tar. It dissipated into my blood quickly, seeming to pull straight from my lips and throat into me, replacing the cold harsh water of my drowning with the warm black sea of tar, and I drifted into it, floated in it's wonderful and terrible space. A small black thing in a huge black sea. A spark of sensation in an electric storm. Dead dead dead, except not dead, floating, black bleak black, floating warm and thick.
And there were breasts and cocks before me, and mine mixed into theirs, and one was inside me, and a nipple below me and I was suckling at it as a frightened babe, and then another body was on top of me and a hairy cock was in my mouth and I suckled at it, desperate for the life within it, and another was inside my cunt and a woman, or was it a beast? A thing a thing was licking at me and we all mixed together into an impossible organism, a huge pulsating mass of fucking in a great dark sea. A woman's face loomed before me. She was more goat than woman, horns and a long snout, with a woman's eyes and lips. I kissed her and our tongues entwined, and in her eyes I saw the same black sea that was in me, and a goat had mounted me, it's cock pressing into my anus as a satyr fucked my cunt. Then a delicate feminine hand was pressing more tar into my mouth and I was licking at her fingers to get it all, and we were all sticky with the semen of a hundred men, all fucking and writhing in it's slime and fucking fucking with the tar filling our mouths and sprouting flowers along our throats and tongues.
There was none of me then. Not enough of me left to observe the sensations that washed over and through me. A cock here, a pussy there, licking then sucking then fucking, all the same, all rolled into a great impossible organism that writhed about me and filled every sense and orifice with its own organs of pleasure. And there was a great hairy cock in my mouth, my saliva matted down the hair and I opened my mouth and throat to it as if it were some piece of me come back to fix me.
I haven't any sense of how long I stayed there. There was not enough of me left to measure the passage of time. I remember some sensations, I think for some time I was rubbing my head against a rock, for a while longer I was licking a goat girl's pussy, and I remember a tiny fairy masturbating me with her whole body, wings sticky with my wetness. But what happened and what was imagined I cannot say. I think a woman came and suckled me at some point, feeding a thick warm milk into an empty stomach, and some time later another woman did the same.
But time then was a great black void. A nothing. I, or rather, we, were a bundle of sensations, of cocks and cunts, of nipples and lips, fucking and fucking as if the basest parts of our minds, the parts survived from some primitive creature that knew only fucking and eating, was all we had become. The rest lost in the black tar and the unthought of orgasm after orgasm.
Then at some time, impossibly distant from my leap into the void, a million years or lifetimes later, I was being pulled away, and a man and women were screaming and pulling me free, and reluctant arms and legs and cocks let me go, none aware enough to stop me, to oppose whatever force pulled me free.
I don't think I struggled until I was free of them. Then, desperately, I only wanted back, to feel myself filled with bodies and drugs, to fling myself into that dark warm abyss of pleasure and numbness, fuck and drug away the life that my suicide had failed to take.
But the man and woman, Jade and Argyl as you must have surmised, were insistent, and they wrestled me free. I screamed and struck at them with my fists and later rocks when I found them beneath my hands. They were shouting and finally I heard Jade's voice break through, “Kara Kara, please please please,” she was desperate and I stopped, dropped my weight and rocks with such suddenness that they fell forwards, dragging my naked body along the ground.
“Kill me, kill me,” I whispered at them, desperately, I writhed in their arms and Jade held me down.
“Quiet quiet,” she said, and slowly I relaxed.
“You came for me,” I whispered, “you came for me.” I was kissing her and holding her and she held me back.
“I've got you, I've got you,” she kept saying back. I clung to her and she to me, and I felt the world rocking around me, circles inside of circles, fucking and filth and death and the taste of flowers in my tongue and throat, and I was choking on it, flowers so thick they choked me and I could not draw air into my lungs, and black black death dug talons into my eyes and I could not see, and I was choking and she was there, Jade was holding me and whispering I know not what, but whispering, holding me and she was everything, I clung to her and she was the only solid thing, the only extant thing in a swirl of terrible phantoms.
“Breathe, breathe please breathe. Fuck Kara, please breathe, please,” and I opened my throat and air flooded into my lungs, my eyes snapped open and her tear streaked face was inches from mine.
“That's it, keep breathing. Keep breathing. Good, in, now out, good. Keep breathing. Keep breathing, just one breath after the other. In and out. In and out, just keep breathing.”
She was whispering, forcing calm into her voice that I could not see in her face. Terror, her eyes were full of terror.
“Keep breathing, keep breathing. That's all that matters right now, just in and out, in and out.”
“I'm here,” Argyl's voice.
“What did, no keep breathing Kara. There you go, in and out. What did he say? In and out.”
“Nothing useful,” Argyl's voice had an edge I had not heard in it before.
It was quiet for a moment, and I was breathing, staring into Jade's eyes.
“I love you,” I told her.
“Oh fuck,” she said. She looked down at me and time seemed to stretch forever. An infinity in a moment. Eyes to eyes. I looked into her eyes and I loved her. She had come for me.
“YOU MUST MURDER HER”
“Kill me,” I whispered to her. “Please murder me. Murder me, I love you murder me, you must murder me.”
“YOU MUST MURDER HER” It was not the bull man now, though I saw him then, or knew he was close. How could I see him? I stared into Jade's eyes.
“Kara, listen, nobody is going to kill you. I love you, I am not going to kill you, why would I kill you? Why do you want to die?”
“Kill me, I love you kill me, he is coming, he will be your death, he will, I am your doom, I love you I am your doom, please you must kill me.”
“Kara please, please, I love you, come on, we are going to run, Argyl, he made a raft, he is going to, we are going to escape, there's a river.”
“It doesn't matter, he will kill you, he will come.”
“Come on,” Argyl's voice cut in. Get her arms.” They hefted me up. I was before the bull man then, his blades pierced my shoulders and thighs and I was pinned to the earth, and his cock blade sliced into my guts. There was no pain. I felt pressure, an awful impossible pressure inside me.
“YOU WILL MURDER HER,” but it was not the bull man's mind, it was my master's mind. My mind squeezed out, nothing of me left, nothing but obedience, the tool, the submissive, the lowest wolf, the tool waiting to be used.
“YOU WILL MURDER HER”
“I will obey,”
“Wake up!” Jade was screaming and my eyes lolled open. She was dragging me onto a boat that was sloshing in the water. I clutched the edge and heaved myself towards the water to hurl myself overboard. She held tight, her feet falling from beneath her but holding me, we crashed together into the bottom of the boat.
“He comes he comes” I screamed at her, clawing at her face, futile, my arms obeyed themselves and not me, I threw limp and useless hands against the horror. She held me down and Argyl was above us, straddling us and the boat was rocking.
And the Bull Man was above me. My blood leeched out into the earth and there was nothing of me left.
“I will obey, I will obey.”
He pulled off me. I was dead, I was dying, I was dead. And Jade was kissing me and holding me down and kissing me, and I was kissing her and holding her, and I was pulling at her robe and pulling it loose from her and we were kissing kissing her tongue in my lips and my tongue with hers, we were kissing and I was holding her breasts and ass and pulling her against my naked body, and we were fucking on the bottom of the boat, a wash of madness and sensation.
“Jade,” it was Argyl, and she pulled away from me and I pulled her back, and then I was holding him and pulling him down with us and the three of us were as one, one mindless being fighting what must be, fighting the impossibility of any person holding on to any other, of not destroying those we would love and hold to us.
And there was nothing of me, or Jade or Argyl. We were one thing. I pulled at his clothes and Jade too was pulling at them and his cock was out, and I pulled Jade above me and pulled her towards him, I wanted her to have him, I pulled her cunt towards him but she was kissing me and sucking at my breast and then he was inside me, and it was like a part of me that was missing, a part of me that the motherfuckers had taken from me, taken from me when they, taken from me, it was back, and Jade was there holding me and kissing me, and she wanted that missing piece of me to be in me, she wanted to give me what had been hers alone, and we all three were one thing, one thing, and I was orgasming, not as I had with the man beasts, but with pure belonging, with two people who made me what I could be, in a better world, in a better life. What I should have been.
And all three of us lay panting on the bottom of the boat.
“You okay hun?” Jade asked. I looked at her but she was looking at Argyl.
“Yeah.” he said. “That was, I'm not sure what happened there.”
“It had to. I don't know. Shit's crazy.”
He nodded and pulled his robe back around him. It had never come off, just come loose. I pulled myself to sitting, still clutching Jade and she supported me. We looked down at the world. Before us we could see light, see the sun shining on the river as it broke from the mountain, saw green fields and blue sky. We were rushing towards it. It was freedom. Oh, my master would come, but we would be free from the darkness, we could run and run, find some other god who offered a salvation that wasn't the base mindlessness that this mountain goddess had made.
Why had we made love? I knew my own desire, and understood perhaps Jade's desperation to save me, the overflow of emotion turned action. But why Argyl?
“Come put your dress on,” Jade said, and she was holding the leaf dress my lover had made, clean now, and I pulled myself into it. It was tight where my new breast was, but it was tolerable if I pushed myself a bit to the side. I pulled the boots on and stuffed the mask and gloves into the bosom. Jade had fixed her robe and fell back on a small bench towards the back of the boat. I fell down besides her. She took my hand and then Argyl was sitting besides us.
“I don't see how we fucked, I mean, how we made love, in this space. It, it seems to small.” My voice seemed strained and distant.
“It was pretty uncomfortable actually. You okay hun? You seem, too sober now.”
“I, yes, it doesn't make sense.”
I took Argyl's hand and held both mine and hers, hand in hand in hand. The bridge between them.
I felt, for that moment, perfect belonging. I was no longer a lost slave. Argyl had returned to me a piece that had been missing. A piece the motherfuckers had taken from me as a child, that my whoring and all my masters had taken from me. He had penetrated me, no, he had, he had allowed himself to be taken into me, he had accepted my embrace. I had been a full person, taken, accepted, the whole thing loved for all my faults, pulled from the depths of the drug and the basest acceptance of the use of my flesh for the pleasure of others. They had seen my basest self, and they had taken me and loved me.
There were no words. We held each others hands and we were each other, we were one bit of love, tiny and helpless, our destruction behind us, our destruction before us. But one moment, we were whole, we belonged, we were exactly what we needed each other to be.
And after one perfect moment, it was gone. The boat shifted on the water and a chasm carved into the mountain came into view, and on it stood the bull man, and on it stood Archmagio, and our tiny boat wrecked itself, smashing into that jagged and broken rock.