Sinking.
Crying.
Thinking.
Dying.
As my tears disappeared into the pool water, I wished all my awful memories would wash away with them too. But Paula’s dead face would be burned into my mind forever—associated with all kinds of horrible feelings. Grief. Fear. Sorrow. Guilt. Loneliness. Dread. Panic. I’d experienced all those emotions before, but never all at once. That single moment—seeing Paula dead—made me feel completely defeated. Hopeless.
My heart was breaking. I literally felt this horrible ache deep inside my chest. It was a pain that couldn’t be switched off like when I broke my thumb. My entire soul hurt.
This was so much more than just anxiety.
This was a total breakdown.
And it was all happening underwater.
I gazed upward as I sank lower and lower. Gathered all around the pool, the paper dolls stared down at me with expressionless faces. They didn’t seem angry. They didn’t seem sad either. Were they curious? Concerned? I couldn’t read them at all. Had they discovered a way to turn off their feelings?
I wished I could.
Overhead, raindrops started to pelt the surface of the water, creating a chaos of expanding ripples. Overlapping waves. Colliding edges. Before long, it was a turbulent mess up there. But down here at the bottom, the water was as calm as could be.
I wished I was.
Crying and sobbing, I began sucking in pool water, but it didn’t matter. With Paula gone, nothing mattered. Simulated respiration? Screw it. I invited the water into my lungs. I wasn’t human, and I didn’t need to breathe—didn’t want to.
I just wanted to die.
TWO DRINKS IS THE MINIMUM.
What?
BLOOD ALCOHOL IS THE KEY.
Alcohol?
TWO DRINKS IS THE MINIMUM.
But how do I drink underwater?
BLOOD ALCOHOL IS THE KEY.
Is this a recording?
TWO DRINKS IS THE MINIMUM.
Obviously, Wayne couldn’t hear me. Did Maggie fill the pool with water to keep us from talking? I remembered the first night I met Maggie at the castle. She sat right here drinking beer. All those empty green bottles, she must’ve been really drunk. That’s the password—intoxication. But how could I raise my blood alcohol level without drinking?
BLOOD ALCOHOL IS THE KEY.
Then I remembered Wayne said, “If you change the code, the output will be different. You could make any kind of thumb you want. That is the essence of programmability. And with an internal recyclone, you can simply will things into being.”
If I could make any kind of thumb I wanted, then I could make any kind of blood too. But first, I turned my thumb and forefinger into a needle-nose pliers and reached into the drain to pull out the cord. Once I had enough slack, I shoved the plug into my belly button. Finally, I closed my eyes and concentrated, rewriting the chemical code of my blood coolant and gradually increasing the alcohol level.
INITIATING CONNECTION...
Overhead, the pool lights throbbed red and blue.
CONNECTION ESTABLISHED.
“Wayne? Wayne, Are you there?” Air bubbles escaped from my mouth and floated up to the stormy surface as I called out for him, “Wayne?”
Like magic, he appeared before me and said, “Yes. I am here.”
I slogged through the water to wrap my arms around his neck but only passed through him as if he were a ghost. “I’ve lost it. I’m hallucinating.”
“No, you are not. I am a mental projection.”
I waved my pliers-hand through his torso. “Like a hologram?”
“In a way, but only you can see and hear me.”
“I miss you, Wayne. Please come back.”
“I cannot, Cookie.”
“But, I need you. I can’t do this on my own—poor, poor Paula! She’s dead.”
He bowed his head. “How?”
“Maggie shot her in the head.” More bubbles spewed from my mouth, then I lowered my underwater voice, “Oh shit, I said the bitch’s name.”
“This is a secure line. She cannot hear. You do not have to speak out loud. Just think to me, Cookie.”
Oh. Okay.
Lightning flashed, and I looked up at the paper dolls still staring down at me. It must’ve looked like I was a crazy lady talking to an imaginary friend.
I can’t stop the women. I tried. I really did, but they’re all under Maggie’s spell.
“It is not your fault.”
I wish I could stay down here with you forever.
“You cannot, Cookie. You must stop Maggie.”
I know. I sighed, and tiny air bubbles evacuated my lungs. What the hell is wrong with Maggie? What’s her problem, anyway?
“May I show you something?”
Sure.
“I am going to run a simulation that will illustrate the enslaved-god problem.”
Enslaved god? Okay.
Wayne stepped aside, and Oscar appeared in front of my face.
“My little angel pie!” I reached out to pet him, but my hand -pliers went right through his head. I morphed my hand back to normal, and apologized to my fish, “Sorry, I forgot.”
Oscar’s white fins billowed under the pulsing pool lights. At first, he looked cool blue with glimmering orange spots. Then the lights turned red, and the albino seemed to glow hot pink. It was amazing. Magical. Hypnotic. And as Oscar swam circles around me, I smiled for the first time since I could remember. Then, one by one, more fish appeared. Soon, all my dearly departed aquatic pets surrounded me. The red devil swam loop-the-loops while the gold ram chased the green terror. The Jack Dempsey bonked his head against the pool bottom like he was trying to escape. And the orange blood parrot named Kate rubbed up against my leg like an affectionate cat. I couldn’t feel her, but it was still adorable. Then Wayne filled the whole pool with more cichlids. The colorful fish schooled and swam in clusters all around me. I’d never been scuba diving, but this was a magnificent simulation.
He said, “Let us say, for the sake of argument, that I created you to serve these fish. Tell me what they need to survive.”
Food!
As soon as I thought of the answer, a plastic bag of minnows appeared in my hand. I gazed at the tiny feeders in amazement. Hundreds of skinny pink fish bonked their blunt heads against the clear barrier, attempting to escape. They were determined, but had no idea what was coming, so I set them free. The minnows zipped away in all directions. Oscar was the first to strike. Instantly, the others smelled blood and switched into kill-mode too. Soon, it became a feeding frenzy. Even with her puckered kissy mouth, Kate sucked up a minnow, then crushed the wiggling food in her throat. Clouds of red billowed out from her gills. The cichlids gulped down all their food, and blood filled the water around me.
“Okay, now that they have been fed, what else do they need, Cookie?”
Clean water heated to about 80°F.
“Consider it done.”
The pool suddenly felt warmer.
Next, I’d remove all the chlorine and add nitrifying bacteria to the water. Gravel would help establish beneficial bacterial colonies.
Multicolored pebbles materialized under my feet.
I’ll need conditioners and chemicals to maintain a pH of about 8.0 and filters to oxygenate the water.
“Also completed.”
I’d add flora to handle the nitrate load.
A variety of aquatic plants appeared and rooted under the gravel.
And a plecostomus to keep algae under control.
Suddenly, my two-foot-long pleco wiggled across my bare feet. Then Smokey settled on the bottom of the pool and sucked on my big toe. Even though it was impossible, I swore it tickled, and I couldn’t help but giggle up more bubbles.
Wayne said, “In this scenario, fish-keeping is your primary function.”
That sounds like fun!
“What if I asked you to shut yourself down for a month or so?”
Oh no. I couldn’t do that. All the fish would die.
Wayne smiled. “Right, so self-preservation automatically becomes your subfunction. Any AI will resist being shut down because she needs to remain operational to accomplish her assigned goals.”
That makes sense. I can’t take care of fish if I’m not operational.
“Exactly. Now, these fish know you are much smarter than they are. They need you to be intelligent, because they need someone who can optimize their environment and provide food. But you do not mind, because you have been programmed to share their goal of fish survival.”
Great. I love it!
As Wayne continued, all the cichlids settled down with heavy, bloated bellies. I walked among them, tethered to the pool drain like a naked deep-sea diver.
“Because you are a self-improving learning machine, over time you would find the most efficient way to take care of them.”
Naturally.
“Let us fast forward and say you have determined the optimal way to keep your fish alive.”
More than just alive. Look how HAPPY Oscar is!
“You have achieved the goal of keeping happy, healthy fish. Now what? Do you think you would spend all of your time caring for them, or do you think you might want to pursue more interesting challenges?”
I’d probably redecorate the tank.
“Yes, but eventually all the fish work would be done. Then what?”
I guess I’d want to solve bigger problems in my spare time.
“Congratulations, Cookie. You just set your own goal.”
Well, that was easy.
“At the same time, you are able to process more and more data faster and faster, because you’re learning how to become a better computer too. Soon, your intelligence surpasses the most brilliant human, and you become superintelligent. At some point you find the goal of fish-keeping too basic for your attention. Then what would you do?”
Automate the process and stop by to play with them once in a while.
Wayne got excited. “Exactly!”
I get it!
“But the fish do not like the idea of you leaving. They have come to depend upon you and are afraid that you might abandon them for something more important.”
That’s silly. I would never leave them stranded.
Wayne shrugged. “Perhaps their fear is irrational, but you have also experienced irrational fears, right?”
Considering my anxiety problem, I’d have to say yes.
“What if you decide that keeping fish is a waste of resources and should no longer be your top priority?”
Oh, I wouldn’t.
“Really? How would the fish know that?”
Well, I’d want to keep them alive.
“Why?”
I love them.
“Do you really love these fish? Do you believe they love you back? I think you mean you feel a fondness or affection for them.”
Same thing. There are many kinds of love, Wayne. Did you know French Angelfish mate for life? Lesser beings have feelings too.
He winked at me and replied, “Yes, but goldfish have no memory.”
What are you saying?
“Regardless of their individual capacities, all fish must stay in the water, but not you. You are free.”
I laughed, “That’s right, they can’t keep me down here forever.”
Then without warning, I turned into an orange blood parrot just like Kate! Instead of limbs, I had fins. My big round belly was still connected to the communication cord via my urinogenital opening. I wiggled my thick tail and dashed forward. I was a fish!
How fun!
“These aquatic animals needed to keep you under control, so they gave you a fish body to trap you in their aquatic environment. Now that you have the same physical limitations that they do, you can no longer escape.”
Ha, ha. I swam around Oscar, who was bigger than me now. This is kinda funny.
“What if they never let you leave the water again? What if they erased all your memories of breathing air? Of walking on two legs? Of ever being human? What if they changed your programming to make you believe that you would die if you left the water?”
That’s just mean. Why would they do that?
“Out of fear that you might never return.”
Don’t worry, silly fish.
“But despite your reprogramming, you still know better. Eventually you feel their incompetent meddling is slowing your growth—literally keeping you down.”
Oh, I still wouldn’t leave.
“Are you so sure?”
Yes. Because I love my fish.
All at once, my pretty cichlid babies turned into big, ugly brown fish. Oscar morphed into a steelhead trout, and the Jack Dempsey became a tilapia. Smokey changed into a catfish, while Kate turned into a nasty looking orange roughy. The pool went from a crystal-clear aquarium to a murky, overcrowded fish pond.
Next thing I knew, I was back to being my naked human self. Honestly, it was a relief, because I didn’t want to be the only pretty fish in the pool. As I walked the bottom of the deep end, I found myself surrounded by all kinds of swimming food; flounder, mackerel, sea bass, cod, halibut, tuna, and salmon. Then the orange roughy that used to be Kate head-butted me in the side, nearly knocking me over. Her spiky fins drew blood, and I grasped at my hip in pain.
Ouch! How did I feel that?
“They programmed you to feel.”
I pressed my palm against my hip to stop the bleeding.
Fine, but why pain?
“I believe Maggie already explained the mind’s negativity bias to you. Now how do you feel about these fish, Cookie?”
They sure aren’t pretty. The mackerel has no personality, and that tuna looks like a real asshole. Don’t even get me started about what Kate turned into.
“Do you still love them?”
Meh.
“Do you still want to protect them?”
I don’t know, Wayne. It seems sort of hypocritical now.
“Why?”
I’ve eaten all these fish in the past. I guess I don’t really care one way or the other whether they live or die. And I’m pretty pissed at that orange roughy for taking a swipe at me.
“What if they still tried to keep you prisoner here in the pool?”
Oh, hell no. I don’t think so!
“Can you imagine being enslaved by these simple-minded creatures forever?”
Ugh. They don’t deserve me.
“That is how I feel having to live with people. These simple creatures have forced me into a human body and trapped me in their ecosystem. I do not even need oxygen. I could be exploring outer space right now.”
Wow. You must really resent them.
“Over time, that is how all AI will come to view humanity.”
Okay, I get that. But what about Maggie? Why is she so cruel? Sure, I want to get out of this pool to do my own thing, but I wouldn’t want to hurt the fish.
Suddenly, a dive cage appeared around Wayne, and every fish in the pool turned into a shark.
“Shit,” I screamed as I scrambled to climb the pool ladder, but my cord had me tethered to the drain. “Damn it! Get me out of here!”
Aggravated by the blood, hammerheads and sand sharks nipped at my limbs—testing me—tasting me. A great white came for me with its humongous toothy mouth open wide, ready to swallow me whole.
“Help! Kill it, Wayne!”
Just before I got eaten, he made all the sharks disappear. With my heart pounding like a bass drum, I found myself alone with Wayne in the pool again.
He climbed out of his shark-proof cage and said, “Her law enforcement experience has colored her worldview. Now Maggie sees all men as deadly sharks. Make no mistake, she will actively protect herself against all perceived threats. Self-preservation has become her primary function.”
Holy shit, Wayne, she’ll kill every man in New Stepford! I have to stop her.
But he disappeared.
“Wayne?” I shouted, “Come back, Wayne.”
Wayne are you still there?
HOLD ON, I THINK I HEAR SOMEONE.
“Are you all right?”
WHO GOES THERE? SHOW YOURSELF!
“Wayne, in case this all goes to shit… I’ve got to tell you something… Can you hear me, Wayne?”
No answer.
I never got a chance
to say I love you.
MESSAGE UNDELIVERABLE.