3.Ø6
Spacetime: 96147.2.902
“That’s right, I said, ‘Stan Lee Kubrick,’ but everyone calls me Stanny Baby. Why do you ask?” Stanny Baby was one of those uptown sophisticates who smoked cigarettes in long-stemmed holders. Whenever he spoke the cig’s ember waggled menacingly in the faces of his confrères.
It turns out that Stanny was a big-time movie director who was shooting a colossal(!) film about the eternal tragedy of the human condition. “You’ve never seen anything like it, my friends!” Stanny rhapsodized, “It’s got love and loss. Joy and sadness. Anger and regret. It is without a doubt this is the most important movie since Spiderboy reunited the Scavengers!”
Keen as he was about the film, Stanny was distressed to learn that the FF had not brought lunch. He crowded close to Sian, “You have no idea what these actors are like when they get hungry. They’re like a pack of wolves!!”
Sian had dealt with enough hangry crewmembers to sympathize, “Look...uhh...Stanny. I’m sorry about lunch. Had we known, we would have grabbed something on the way.”
“Okay, listen up…” Stanny snapped his fingers bossily, “Here’s what we’re gonna do. I’ll pretend I’ve been bitten by a snake while you pop back and find the caterer. With any luck, we’ll be neck-deep in clam dip before you can say, Goodnight Irene.”
Sian smiled. She had no idea what Stanny was talking about. Discreetly, Solu solicited input from her crew, but they were more lost than she was. Seeing no alternative, Sian was compelled to ask, “Sooo...Stanny? When you say ‘pop back’ what exactly do you mean?”
“I mean...” Stanny eyed Sian suspiciously, “...pop back to the studio. Where else would you pop?”
This was progress.
“Ah, so…” Sian surveyed the surrounding landscape. Spying nothing that looked remotely like a studio, she tried a new tack, “You know what, Stanny? I got a bit turned around on the way here. You wouldn’t mind pointing me toward the studio, would you?”
“Point you to-...?” Again the suspicious scrutiny, and then a lightbulb switched on above Stanny’s head. “Ah, now I get it.” The veteran director chuckled, “You stopped for a liquid lunch on the way, didn’t you?” Having had his share of three-martini lunches, Stanny kicked himself for failing to spot the telltales sooner. Waggling a thumb upslope, he explained, “You’ll find the obelisk up yonder…”
“Okay, gotcha,” Sian scanned the hillside. “Hmmm...Just to be clear, Stanny, do you mean it’s waaaay up yonder, or...?”
“No, no.” Stanny chortled, “Jeepers. You really got a snootful, didn’t ya!” He directed Sian’s attention to a concave depression in the dirt about ten meters upslope and then his jaw dropped, “Hey…! Where’d it go?” Stanny removed his sunglasses and gawked at what he could no longer see, “I-...I could have sworn the obelisk was right there!”
Sian broke out in a sweat. It appeared that until quite recently, the obelisk had occupied the very same space where she and her team had just materialized.
“Hey?” Rudyard must have been on the same wavelength, “Isn’t that where we ...Mppffff…”
Sensing that Rudyard was on the verge of divulging a very inconvenient truth, Gellie clapped a hand over his mouth and frogmarched the PI up the slope. She called over her shoulder, “Sian! I think I spotted an obelisk up yonder. Rudyard and I are going investigate.”
“Mmmbbpffff…bbfthh…!” Rudyard tried to pry Gellie’s hand away, but she held tight.
“Gellie!” Muddle scolded, “Why are you dragooning Rud-...Mmnnpfftht…?”
Fearing that Muddle might duplicate Rudyard’s miscue, Ubie whapped a hand over his mouth and strong-armed the professor up the hillside.
Impressed by Gellie and Ubie’s brute-force tactics, Stanny whooped, “Yeehaww! That’s what I call roping the bull by the begonias! I could use a couple of expediters like you on my production team!” Then, recalling his dire staffing problems of late, Stanny cautioned, “Mind where you plant your piggies, amigas! The snakes in these parts are cold-blooded assassins!”
When they were beyond Stanny’s hearing range, Ubie halted and removed her hand from Muddle’s mouth. The professor erupted, “How dare you…!!!”
“Keep your voice down,” Ubie snapped, “I had no choice. You were about to divulge…”
“NOTHING!!” Muddle thundered. Wrangling his voice down to a whisper the professor explained, “I wasn’t going to say anything because I know exactly what happened to the obelisk and Stanny’s the last person I plan to tell.”
“You know?” Ubie peered at Muddle, “What do you know?”
“Look!” Muddle tapped the One Watch’s face. He angled the watch to give Ubie a better view.
Ubie had never examined the One Watch, so she doubted she would see any-… “Hey!” Ubie clutched the watch, “There it is! That’s the obelisk.”
Right below the number ‘XII’ there was a miniature version of the obelisk affixed to the watchface.
“Easy does it, Ubie! That’s a delicate instrument you’re mauling.” Muddle tugged the watch out of Ubie’s hands, “I saw the obelisk as soon as we got here. The One Watch couldn’t wait to tell me what it had done.”
“Hang on.” Ubie arched an eyebrow, “Did you say the watch talked to you?”
“Ach…!” Muddle swept the question aside, “Maybe ‘talk’ isn't the right word. Who cares? The point is…” Muddle snuggled the watch with parental affection, “...our precious little One Watch is playing its part to perfection.”
“It is?”
“Of course it is,” Muddle snarled, “Or have you already forgotten that it was the One Watch that led us to the Crossroads of Humanity? Eh?”
“Well…” Ubie quibbled, “...the watch was more of a stowaway...”
"Stowaway!?" Muddle growled, “Then answer me this O’ Voice of Eternal Skepticism. Would we be hot on the trail of the second Time Cheater if not for this stowaway?” Muddle patted the watch like a beloved house pet.
“The second Time Cheater?” Ubie seized upon the opportunity to change the subject, “Is it nearby?”
“I think so.” Muddle closed his eyes to get more in tune with the One Watch’s sens-a-cheater field, “Oooo...aahhh...there it is! The One Watch detects the Time Cheater’s presence…” Muddle waved vaguely toward the hilltop, “...up yonder...”
“You don’t say?” Ubie fought a burning urge to spit. Who was crazier? The nutjob who whispers to watches, or the ninnies who follow his lead? If she wasn’t so desperate to find the Time Cheaters, Ubie would have DQ-ed Muddle for the duration. But that wasn’t an option. The only path to the Time Cheaters led through Muddle. Resigned to her fate, Ubie whacked Muddle on the back, “Okay, Dr. Lovestrange, let’s go get that Time Cheater!”
Fired up as Ubie was, she and Muddle made slow progress. Every few meters, Muddle paused to refresh his psychic bond to the sens-a-cheater field. During one of those interludes, a ruckus broke out above. Searching for the source of the commotion, Ubie and Muddle spied the PI arriving at the hilltop. When Rudyard beheld the wonders that lay before him he screamed, “Australopithecines! I see Australopthh-...”
Rudyard’s cries were cut short by a homicidal pebble that smacked him right between the eyes, Kaa-Rack!! Knocked senseless, the PI flopped the the ground like a lasagna noodle.
Gellie cried, “Rudyard!”
Seeing the attack, Sian drew her phraser. She commanded, “Stanny, take cover!" and then raced up the slope.
Stanny ignored Sian. He had no intention of being sidelined during what he hoped would be the most photogenic fracas he had ever staged. Stanny hastened to a cache of equipment that he had stashed near the vanished obelisk. He flung aside a scatter of rocks to reveal a canvas-covered hoard. Tugging the canvas out of the way, Stanny sifted through the cache until he located a bullhorn, video camera, tripod, bow and arrows, and a backpack. Satisfied that all were in good working order, Stanny stood tall, raised the bullhorn to his lips and bellowed, “SCAVENGERS ASSEMBLE!!!”
The pioneering director listened intently to the fading echoes of his summons. Following a tense interval, Stanny caught the faint thunder of a restless tide of humanity on the rise. Rejoicing in the moment, Stanny gave himself the pep talk of a lifetime, “This is it, Stanny Baby! Today, you’ll either make history or die trying! Now get moving you lovable old cuss!!” With that, Stanny hoisted the backpack over his shoulders and galloped upslope like a rheumatic mountain goat.
Before Gellie could reach Rudyard a hailstorm of pebbles began sailing over the hilltop. Gellie dashed to Rudyard, activated his life support belt and then energized hers. Moments later, Ubie, Sian and Muddle arrived at Gellie’s side. They too had taken the precaution of activating their life support belts. Standing shoulder-to-shoulder they observed the scene playing out before them.
The slope before them descended into a narrow gulch that contained a small, unremarkable basin. The basin held a mucky pool of what was, very likely, the most precious resource in the region: water.
On the far side of the cruddy pool, an agitated group of apes were slingshotting volleys of pebbles. The prehumans screamed, beat their chests and hammered the earth with raw anthropoid fury. Remarkably, the antiquity of the cocksure simians was not their most striking characteristic. Not by half. For reasons unknown, each of the primates was outfitted in a BC superhero costume.
There was every BC superhero you could ever hope to see. Bratman and Rueben were toasting chunks of meat over a campfire. Wonkerwoman was hogtying Shazbot with her golden rope. Stuporman was sucking lustily from a well-stocked beer helmet. And Aqua Dude, the Red Flush and the Green Latrine were vying for supremacy of the mud puddle.
While that was going on, Stanny scuttled to a perch roughly one hundred meters south of the FF. There the patriarch shed his backpack and set up his camera. Next, Stanny wriggled a bongo drum out of the pack and positioned it within reach of the camera. Returning to his backpack Stanny fished out an herbivore femur that was festooned with a cobweb of intricate tracings. Stanny propped the bone against the drum and then paused to see how the battle was progressing.
“Ugh...” Rudyard’s eyes fluttered. The PI fussed at the ache between his eyes. When his fingers brushed the wound he exploded, “Aaaarrgh! Australopithecines are a-holes!!”
Gellie scooped an arm under Rudyard’s envirobubble and hoisted him to his feet. “There you go, Rudyard. I’ve got you. Nothing to worry about, buddy.”
Rudyard fanned a hand before his eyes, "Where did all these pink elephants come from?"
"There, there." Gelli hugged both arms around the PI, "Don't worry about the elephants, Rudyard. I will protect you."
"I’m not worried about the elephants..." Rudyard grumbled, "...I was hoping they’d stomp a certain gang of Australopithecines into grease stains."
Gellie rocked the PI's bubble, “Try not to think about the elephants, Rudyard.”
“Hey,” Ubie squinted into the distance, “Is that Stanny?”
The sun was sinking fast. Stanny dipped an arrowhead into a flaming can of Sterno. Aiming at a cluster of bushes behind the BC suprehumans, Stanny drew back the bow and let the flaming arrow fly, "Twwanggg!!" As the arrow arced through the darkling sky Stanny checked his camera to be sure that it was poised to capture all of the ensuing action.
Squinting through the lens, Stanny grinned, "Perfect." Then he plucked another arrow from his quiver.
The BC suprehumans gazed at Stanny's arrow as it arced toward them. They had never seen anything quite like it. As the arrow sailed nearer an awed hush settled over the BC Justice League. Awe quickly transformed to anxiety as the arrow plummeted toward its flat-footed quarry.
As planned, Stanny's arrow overflew the suprehumans and struck its intended target: a heap of fuel-soaked scrub brush. With a wind-sucking, "Whoooosh!" a towering column of flame erupted behind the Justice Leaguers.
Being unused to pyrotechnics, the suprehumans screamed bloody murder and pelted headlong in the opposite direction.
Seeing the costumed suprehumans charging toward she and her Star Truckers, Sian announced, "All hands, prepare for combat."
"Aye-aye, Captain," Ubie deactivated her forceshield and struck a defensive pose, "Bring it on!"
Unbeknownst to anyone, Stanny was marking the progress of another group of costumed characters who were approaching the Funtastic Five from behind. In contrast with the BC suprehumans, the new arrivals were decked out like celebrated Mudville superheroes: The Mighty Scavengers!!
There was every Scavenger you could ever hope to see. The Iron Maiden led the charge. Right on her heels pounded the green-skinned Big Hurt. To his right streaked the Black Panda and her web-slinging beau, Spiderboy. Further behind, Thud lay prostrate in the dirt after braining himself with his own hammer. Last but not least, Captain Patriotic struggled to catch up after taking an ill-timed pee break.
When the Scavengers closed to within fifty meters of the hilltop Stanny sprang his next surprise. He set a second arrow alight and aimed it at another clump of fuel-soaked brush that lay a short distance behind the Mudville heroes.
"Twanggg!!" Stanny released his bowstring and, once again, his aim was true. Moments later a second pile of brush exploded. Just like their BC counterparts, the Scavengers stampeded away from the flames in a state of abject terror.
Caught between two charging squads of suprehumans Sian shook her fist at Stanny, "What are you doing, you conniving old buzzard?"
As luck would have it, the illustrious director chose that very moment to lay down his bow and reveal the details of his diabolical scheme. Raising the bullhorn to his lips, Stanny announced, "Welcome friends and enemies to the War to End All Wars!! Tonight's battle will decide which super-universe will earn the right to claim sole possession of the future!"
A split sekkent later both companies of costumed suprehumans crashed headlong into the Funtastic Five. Safely inside their envirobubbles, Rudyard, and Muddle were kicked high in the air like a pair of luminescent rugby balls.
Gellie responded to the assault by growing twice as large as the Big Hurt. She plucked Muddle and Rudyard out of the air, and in the same motion booted the pea-green superbruiser into the next timezone. Holding tight to her friends, Gellie proposed, "How ‘bout I keep hold of you guys until the fight’s over?"
Both embraced her offer gratefully.
Down below, the brawl grew fiercer with each fresh kick in the teeth. Wonkerwoman and the Iron Maiden went after each other like a couple of NHL prospects. Elsewhere, Captain Patriotic body-slammed the Green Latrine, while Stuporman drove a fist into the Black Panda's belly, "Ooooofffff!!"
"Wahoo!" Stanny cheered as he filmed the epic rumble, "Go, Mudville! Show those BC swamp rats how real superheroes throw down!"
Raring for a fight, Ubie was crestfallen when the combatants steered well clear of her. She threw up her hands, "What gives?"
Ubie’s objections were soon drowned out by a new sound, "BOOM-badda-BOOM, BOOM-badda-BOOM!” Tracing the sound, Ubie discovered that Stanny had begun striking the bongo with his engraved femur, "BOOM-badda-BOOM, BOOM-badda-BOOOOM!"
Muddle paid no heed to the drumbeats because at the same time the One Watch began to chime. Surprised by this previously unknown feature, Muddle held the watch to his ear and trilled, "Hello? What is it, my precious?" Muddle gave the watch his undivided attention, "Yes, my precious. Sure, my precious. Y-... You want what, my precious?!"
Gellie felt Muddle squiggling around inside his envirobubble. Before she could get a better grip, Muddle deactivated his bubble and wriggled out of Gellie’s grasp.
"No, Max!" Gellie cried, "You'll get killed..."
Muddle paid no heed. With his cape fluttering theatrically Muddle floated to the ground like thistledown. His voice boomed, "Nay, good lady! My foes shan't dispatch me, for..."
The nutty professor flung back his robe and cracked his wrists together above his head. Instead of crunching bone on bone, Muddle’s sleeves slid back to expose two golden wristbands. The bands collided with a resonating, “KA-TAAannggg!!” Then a bolt of lightning erupted from the sky and smote Muddle square on the noggin.
The lightning flattened everyone within ten meters of the strike...with one mind-blowing exception. Rather than showing signs of injury, the lightning kindled a dazzling aura around Muddle. The electrified professor boomed, "Hear me friends and foes! I am Dr. Stephen Strangelove! Sorcerer Supreme and Rightful Bearer of the One Watch!" As he spake, fiery energy disks erupted from Strangelove's palms.
Peeved at being upstaged by a second-tier superhero, Bratman attempted to blindside the Sorcerer Supreme. Sensing the attack, Strangelove created a flaming incantation circle between he and Bratman. Unable to arrest his momentum, Bratman lurched through the flaming circle and blundered headlong into an alternate universe.
"Noooo!!" Rueben wailed, "Don't worry Bratman, I'll save you!" Before Strangelove could seal off the portal, Reuben lunged through to join his mentor in a parallel universe of their very own.
Quick as he could Strangelove collapsed the incantation circle into a cascade of glowing embers.
"Wow, Max!” Gellie shrank to Muddle's size and clapped him on the back, “How did you do that?"
"Max?" Strangelove peered at Gellie, "Why dust thou address me thus?"
"Why dust I…?" Gellie pulled a face, "Because that's your name you weirdo."
"Nay," Strangelove thundered, "I am Dr. Stephen Strangelove, the Sorcerer Supreme! I have journeyed from The Great Beyond to prevent lowlifes like Uranus Blowhard from destroying the Infiniverse."
That said, Stragelove summoned a beam of green light from the One Watch and directed it toward Stanny’s femur. Kubrick roared, "Hey!! What are you doing, Strangelove?” Stanny struggled with the trixter beam over possession of the femur, “This is not in the script!"
Strangelove ignored Kubrick. He snapped his fingers and the trixter beam yanked the bone out of Stanny's hands. The conjuror caught the bone and then summoned his comrades, "Come, friends, attend me!"
The rival suprehuman clans tried to sneak in for a peek, too. Seeing this, Strangelove whirled an arm overhead and scattered the suprehumans with a mini bomb-cyclone.
The Funtastic Five gathered close. Strangelove tapped the bone against the One Watch and the tracings came alive with trillions of dazzling smarticles. “If you have never seen technitrons at work, friends, here’s your chance.” Strangelove marveled at the bone, “The technitron etchings in this bone contain the complete blueprint for an orbital space station.” There were gasps all around. “This single artifact contains enough technitrons to destabilize human civilization from here to eternity."
Having utterly lost patience, Stanny roared, "Strangelove! You are ruining my movie! You have ten sekkents to clear out, or I will have you and your fake Amerrican accent deported by the crack of dawn tomorrow!"
Strangelove was only too happy to oblige. "You heard the man." Strangelove tucked the femur under his arm and extended two open palms, "Shall we?"
The Funtastic Five joined hands. Strangelove maneuvered the technitron-laden femur into contact with the One Watch and, in a twinkling, the FF transported to the next destination in their epic journey.
Meanwhile...
“The Big Moment is nearly upon us.” Blowhard gazed out of his Oval Office window. “Have you completed our preparations?”
“Da.” Like a director staging a play, Lutin’s eyes darted about the Oval Office and imagined every move the players would make. “Da.” The cunning little rodent confirmed, “Eez feex.”
“Imagine the power!” Blowhard shivvered, “To command an empire of roach motels on every M-Class planet in the Infiniverse...” The orange blob’s chin quivered, “...it’s more than I ever imagined, and…” Blowhard dipped his head to Lutin, “...I owe it all to you, li'l buddy.”
“Heh-heh,” Lutin bared his wicked little teeth, “Ees nathink. I scritch you beck, you scritch my…”
Blowhard sighed, “That’s what makes the world go round.”