4.Ø1
A Wrinkle in Spacetime 〜
“We are here to ring in a new day. Orange Supremacy now, Orange Supremacy tomorrow, Orange Supremacy forever!!”
Uranus Blowhard and a horde of supervillains buzzed around the Statue of Liberty. In his current guise, Blowhard was Herculean. He towered several meters above his supervillain posse, and he was as ripped as a prizefighter in his prime.
“We have gathered here today to right a terrible wrong! For too long…” the Orange Titan bellowed, “...this dastardly woman has opened her arms to the poor, the tired…” Blowhard spat the words as if they befouled his tongue, “...the huddled masses!”
The supervillains gnashed their teeth and shouted imprecations. How dare this francophile bimbo invite no-hopers to crowd Amerrica’s shores, invade its borders and defile its communities?
It had to stop, and today was the day!
“This ends today!” Blowhard thundered, “I have called you here to join me in tearing down this tribute to mediocrity. This beacon to the weak and worthless.”
Blowhard’s mob of super-xenophobes took up their favorite chant, “Tear her down! Tear her down!!”
Exulting in the uncivil disobedience that he was fomenting, Blowhard cried, “On the count of three, I want you to rip this obscenity down and fling it into the sea. Let not a scrap of copper, nor slab of marble from this abomination ever see the light of day again!”
The clamor that Blowhard inspired among his confederates was deafening. Lady Liberty was in for a whoopin’.
The Orange Colossus roared, “One!”
The thugs screamed, “ONE!”
Blowhard held two fingers aloft.
The delinquents raged, “TWO!!”
Before Blowhard could raise a third finger, however, a woman astride a winged horse swooped low and dropped a sack of soap powder on his head. As Blowhard sputtered, another dive-bomber—this one wearing hitech jet boots—streaked by and shouted, “You stink, Blowie! Do us a favor and take a long, cold bath at the bottom of the ocean.”
Both women circled around the lonely green statue and then perched protectively on her shoulder. Flight-equipped supervillains buzzed around the statue like angry bees.
Incensed by their audacity, Blowhard boomed, “Who do you wretches think you are?”
Gellie cupped two hands around her mouth, “We are the Guardians of Liberty you stupid orange Julius!”
Ubie added, “Anyone who wants to meet with Lady Liberty has to go through us first!” Then she balled a fist and thumped her chest. The sonic boom from Ubie's chest thump literally shook the earth.
Blowhard, who was still spitting soap flakes, regarded the superheroines with a tremor of doubt. It took cojones for two lone heroes to stand up against he and his supervillain army. Who were those women?
As he contemplated his next move, Blowhard felt the earth quake again. He studied the sisters. This time they were not the source of the temblor. Following a moment of doubt, Blowhard signaled for his troops to assume attack formation. Before he could launch his attack the ground began shaking again. This time, however, the temblors did not cease.
Blowhard’s flying troops spotted a strange phenomenon in the distance. Outside New York Harbor the ocean began to boil. Two vast whirlpools became visible and, oddly, began moving toward the Statue of Liberty. As the whirlpools drew nearer, the ocean surface became rougher and rougher until…
Two enormous stone domes broke through the ocean’s surface. Soon the domes cleared the surface far enough to begin looking like helmets. Below the helmets rose the grim faces of two titanic knights. The knights continued their march until, bit by bit, their necks, shoulders, torsos, waists and, ultimately, their entire bodies emerged from the surf.
When they were finally visible from head to toe, Blowhard judged that the knights stood at least two hundred meters tall. Roughly twice the height of the Statue of Liberty. The soldiers stopped marching when they spotted the Guardians of Liberty. One of the knights who had the name, “Iaragorn,” carved into his helmet waved at the Guardians and thundered, “How’s it going cousins?”
Ubie smiled, “Pretty good, Iarry, except these guys…” She pointed at Blowhard and his army of super insects, “...want to destroy Lady Liberty.”
The second knight who had the name “Kyrage” chiseled into his helmet bellowed, “You mean, those guys?” Kyrage kicked a clod of dirt that buried half of Blowhard’s supervillain army. Blowhard’s bullies chose that moment to cut and run. By air, land, and sea, the supervillains hightailed it to the four corners of the earth.
Left alone, Blowhard gazed up at the knights and quavered, “Wh-...Who are you guys?”
Iaragorn whapped Kyrage's chest, “We’re the Argonaut Brothers, dude.”
“And…” Kyrage added for good measure, “...I’m the guy who’s gonna dropkick your butt to Sardinia if you mess with my cousins.”
“And…” Blowhard put on a faltering display of bravado, “...I-...I’m the guy who’s gonna...make you eat those words!” Blowhard whacked a silver pocket watch that was draped around his neck. The watch emitted a paltry fiber of laser light that Blowhard aimed at Iaragorn’s toes.
“Yaaahhh!” Iaragorn hopped around on one foot, “Stop that! It tickles!”
When Blowhard realized that his Doomsday Device was not quite living up to the hype, he decided that this was not his day. Shaking a fist at the knights, Blowhard whined, “Just wait till I collect the other Time Cheaters. Then I’ll teach you the meaning of a hot foot!”
“Sure…” Kyrage chuckled, “...you do that. But, until then…” He lifted one of his booted feet, “...I s’pose I’ll have to warm my toes on your fat, little fanny.”
“Noooo!” Blowhard wailed, “I’m too young and good-looking to die!” And then the lily-livered Titan fled as fast as his little piggies could carry him.
“Ky!” Iaragorn punched his brother, “Why’d you do that? Now he’s going to think we’re a couple of bullies.”
“Aaahh!” Kyrage snorted, “I was only trying to scare him. Anyway...” Kyrage resettled his foot on the ground, “...he had it coming."
“Hey, guys!” Gellie and her pegasus took wing and swirled around the Argonauts’ heads, “How would you like to become members of the Guardians of Liberty?”
“Awesome!” Iaragorn pumped a fist, “I’ve always wanted to be a superhero. Can I choose my own super-name?”
“Of course!” Ubie hovered between the Argonauts, “What name would you like?”
Iaragorn gave it a thought and then ventured, “...how ‘bout Rocky?”
“Ugghhh!!” Kyrage doubled over, “That’s a stupid name, Iarry! Superheroes need badass names like the Black Viper or the Restless Wanderer…”
“The Restless Wanderer?” Iaragorn gaped at his brother, “Do you want to be a superhero or a soap opera star?”
“The Restless Wanderer is a way cooler supername than Rocky!”
“No it isn’t!”
“Yes it is!”
The sisters hugged the Argonauts thick necks.
Just like old times!