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“Did you fools really think…” Blowhard cackled, “...that you were running anywhere except straight into my arms?”
The Funtastic Five glared at Uranus Blowhard across his Oval Office desk.
Acting as if he wasn’t being overheard, Blowhard spoke to Igor, “These Earthlings slay me. They boast of being intelligent, but when they encounter a truly superior intellect…”
“Like Yoo-anuz?” Lutin offered.
“Exactly…” Blowhard sighed, “...they are like rats in a maze. But that’s how it goes. You see? It is the orange man’s burden to be…”
“...a bloated, self-serving jackass?” Ubie could not contain herself, "Well, I have news for you, U-Anus. Gellie and I happen to work for the smartest, most powerful being in the infiniverse and SHE…” Ubie savored the moment, “...asked us to deliver a message.”
“What?” Blowhard seemed genuinely mystified, “SHE? Bah! There is no woman who is stronger than me!”
“Hold that thought, you Anus!” As if by magic, Gellie produced a postcard and skimmed it across Blowhard’s desk.
Huffily, Blowhard snatched up the postcard. The picture was a closeup of the Statue of Liberty that contained the greeting, “A special message from Amerrica’s First Lady!”
Being a serial adulterer, Blowhard found the reference to a ‘First Lady’ confusing. Seeking enlightenment, Blowhard flipped the card over and examined its handwritten message.
It was a brief message, but Blowhard’s jowls began to shake even before he read the signoff. The orange splodge erupted from his chair and roared, “What is the meaning of this!?!”
“Vat ees problem…?” Lutin had rarely seen Blowhard get so angry. When the rodent reached for the postcard, Blowhard backhanded him savagely. The blow literally knocked the weasel off of his feet. When Lutin hit the floor, he squeaked like a guinea pig and then scuttled under an armchair.
Blowhard flung the postcard back at Gellie, “Who is responsible for this outrage?” Since Blowhard wasn’t much of an athlete the postcard fluttered halfway across his desk and then landed face down.
Bold handwritten letters conveyed the card’s brief, but momentous message,
Dear Uranus,
YOU’RE FIRED!
- Lady Liberty
“Here’s what I think of your postcard,” Blowhard spat on the floor. Then he extended a hand toward Muddle and snarled, “Gimme those watches.”
“I’m afraid…” As ever, Muddle wore the One Watch around his neck, while he held Moldibarf’s portkey in his hands, “...it isn’t going to be that simple.”
“Oh, really? Is that what you think?” Without changing expression, Blowhard pushed a buzzer on his desk and barked, “Send in my armed guard.”
A moment later the Oval Office door swung wide and in marched Edward Snowjob toting his trusty toilet plunger. “Don’t worry boss…” Snowjob saluted, “...I’ll have your toidy unclogged in no time...”
“About face, soldier,” Blowhard snapped, “You can plunge the toidy later. Right now, I need you to relieve this man of his watches…” Blowhard pointed at Muddle, “...and bring them to me.”
Snowjob made it a point to ignore the menageries of bizarre characters who dropped in on Blowhard. Hear no evil, see no evil...ain’t that right Edfart? When Snowjob took his first look at today’s throng of misfits he turned an even whiter shade of coward, “You...want me to...to…?” Snowjob gulped audibly.
“Before we go there…” Ubie motioned for Snowjob to stay put, “...Gellie and I have another message from our Employer.”
“Who do you mean?” Blowhard sneered, “The wench who’s sending me love letters from Ellis Island?”
“Believe it or not…” Ubie refused to take Blowhard’s bait, “...everything we’re doing today has happened countless times before, and it has always ended badly, but today it doesn’t have to.”
“So, I guess that means…” Blowhard pursed his lips and made repulsive kissing sounds, “...you’re hoping I won’t dump you this time, sweet cheeks?”
“No, you lummox!” Rudyard was feeling his oats ever since he had single-handedly vanquished Moldibarf, “It means that when you try to replace all life in the cosmos with cockroaches, you will destroy the Infiniverse because the One Watch is too powerful for any single being to wield!”
“What do you take me for?” Blowhard gestured at Mudde, “That dope’s wearing the One Watch and he’s no prizefighter.”
“That’s because…” Sian broke in, “...the One Watch has chosen Muddle to be its bearer. Max carries the Watch, but he hasn’t claimed it. If he tried to we'd all be in big trouble.”
“Fascin-...!” Rudyard bit his tongue.
“So that poor slob…” Blowhard jeered at Muddle, “...is packing the most powerful weapon in the Infiniverse, but he refuses to wield it.” Blowhard appealed to the heavens, “Billions of years of evolution, and this is the best they can do?” His patience at an end, Blowhard snapped, “Edfart! Get the watches and bring them to me this instant!”
Before Snowjob could take a step, Muddle spoke up, “There’s another problem.” Muddle tried to lift the One Watch over his head. As usual, the watch chain snaked tightly around Muddle’s neck, “The One Watch has a mind of its own. If I try to remove it, the watch won’t allow it.”
There was a flash of movement behind Muddle. Brandishing the glaive, Igor cried, “Den I feex!!!”
Muddle did not see the attack coming, but someone else did. Before the little weasel could plunge the disemboweling blade into Muddle’s back, Sian threw herself in front of Lutin. Sian never had a chance. The laser-edged glaive sliced right through Sian’s heart and then continued its journey until it exited Muddle’s sternum.
Exhuberant about skewering two victims for the price of one, Lutin emitted a shrieky squeal of triumph, “Tek zett, en zett yoo tretters uff Yoo-Anus!!”
Shocked to the core, Gellie and Ubie blanched. Reflexively, they both moved toward their wounded comrades, but Rudyard held them back. “Remember!” The PI quavered, “This is the way it has to end. By striking them down Blowhard has made them stronger than he could possibly imagine!”
Lutin prepared to withdraw the glaive from his victims, but before he could, Sian and Muddle evaporated. Emptied of content, Sian and Muddle’s garments fluttered to the ground. The watches and Sian's phraser hit the floor with hefty CLUNKs.
Suspiciously, Lutin trod on the garments to be sure that no trace of his hated enemies remained.
Blowhard barked at Lutin, “Bring me those dratted watches, Igor! Quickly!!”
Lutin reached for the watches. But before he could snag them, two small bumps began to hop and flutter beneath the unitards. Startled, Lutin yanked the garments aside only to discover two little lovebirds huddled together underneath. One of the birds had gorgeous multi-hued plumage. The other’s feathers were dull and gray--and they were getting sparse atop his head. In spite of those superficial differences, the lovebirds were a match made in heaven. The birds chitter-chattered gaily and then, after a couple of experimental flaps, took flight.
The lovebirds’ first destination was Lutin. They swirled around his head and squawked angrily. The more colorful lovebird pecked a deep gouge in his nose. Try as he might, Lutin could not swat the pesky birds away. When they finished teaching Lutin a lesson, the lovebirds made a beeline for Gellie and Ubie. The birds fluttered back and forth between the sisters and showered them with gentle pecks on their cheeks.
When the birds took wing again, they hovered next to Rudyard’s ears and chattered gleefully about the happy roads they had traveled and where, perhaps, their paths might meet again.
Having said their farewells, the lovebirds made two full circuits of the Oval office before strafing Blowhard. Comically, one of the birds pooped in Blowhard’s coffee mug, which made the bloated germophobe furious.
Blowhard yowled, “Snowjob! What do I pay you for? Grab a gun and shoot those confounded birds.”
"Sir!" Snowjob bleated, “Yes, sir!” He dashed for the door, but as he opened it, the lovebirds seized the opportunity to chase him out the door.
As soon as the birds were good and gone, Lutin collected the watches and delivered them to Blowhard. The blob exulted in the heft and power of the watches. He chortled evilly, “Finally! The Infiniverse is mine. ALL MINE!!”
Ubie shook her head, “You are pathetic!”
“It’s hopeless,” Gellie frowned, “You can lead a buffoon to water, but he’ll still drink battery acid instead.”
Blowhard was too lost in his own fantasy to hear any of it. Swept away by delusions of grandeur, Blowhard gabbled, “So...all I have to do is to bring the One Watch into contact with Harrison's prototype, and…and...”
“Da,” Lutin slavered, “Zen ze yooniverze ees yooz.”
“Theoretically,” Rudyard qualified, “There’s also a quantro dynamical possibility that connecting the watches will create a singularity that destroys the entire Infiniverse.”
“So…” the blob blinked, “...I’ll either become the most powerful roach motel tycoon in the Infiniverse, or…”
“Or…” The PI painted a pretty picture, “...you’ll destroy everyone and everything in existence.”
“Hmm…” Blowhard weighed his options and concluded, “...I’d say It's worth the risk, wouldn’t you, Igor?”
“Da,” the rodent answered, “Ees feex.”
Blowhard brought the watches together, “Click…