15
ROSARIUS
SARASINIA
THE BASTION
Rosarius looked on with unconcealed hatred as Dannis paraded around the classroom in what had to be a wedding dress. The rumours had turned out to be true: Dannis and Tavaris had been invited to teach at the Bastion on a trial basis. They’d only been here for two weeks, and already the place felt different. And not at all a good sort of different.
Dannis man paused beside a desk. “Mister Tagio,” he said. “Mister Tagio, how is Group Seven’s purpose statement coming along?”
Helder’s head snapped up. “Huh?”
“You’re in Group Seven are you not, Tagio?”
“Uh,” said Helder. “I dunno. Am I? Can’t really remember.”
“My colleague,” said Tavaris, gliding over and latching onto Dannis’s elbow, “asked how your group’s purpose statement was coming along. Writing a purpose statement, I believe, was our class task for this morning. So, Tagio, how is it coming along?”
“Look, about this purpose sentence thing...”
“Purpose statement, my dear,” said Dannis. “Not sentence.”
Helder blinked. “Huh? I thought you said before it had to be a sentence?”
“I believe that what was said,” said Tavaris airily, “was that a purpose statement may sometimes consist of a single sentence.”
“Ah, but it is no ordinary sentence,” said Dannis, his finger poised as if he were uttering a truth of world-shaking profundity. “Indeed not, for it is one that provides a given entity a sense of direction.”
“What do you mean by entity?” asked Beccera, the other member of Group Seven.
“Fuck this shit,” muttered Rosarius.
Dannis looked at him sharply before nodding at Beccera. “It means us.”
“By entity you mean the Bastion?” asked Helder.
“We do indeed,” said Tavaris. “And I believe that we made this abundantly clear at the beginning of the lesson, too, did we not?”
“What do you mean by sense of direction, though?”
“Why, the Bastion’s of course!” said Dannis, showing the first signs of losing his composure. “The Bastion’s sense of direction! Ours! Who else’s could it possibly refer to?”
“Think of a purpose statement,” said Tavaris, “as something that keeps the Bastion, as a whole, inspired. It keeps us motivated, keeps us driven, moving forward.”
Beccera seemed to find the explanation unenlightening. “You mean as in what we do?”
“No,” said Dannis. “No, no, no. I believe it is the mantra that covers that particular aspect of our business.”
“The what?”
“The mantra,” said Tavaris. “A mantra is a short description of what an entity does.”
“It differs from the purpose statement, obviously,” said Dannis.
“Yes,” said Tavaris. “A mantra should be, above all else, memorable. The purpose statement need not be quite so memorable, although it causes no harm if it is, naturally.”
“Did you say it needn’t be memorable?” asked Helder.
“That is indeed what I said,” said Tavaris. “Needn’t.”
“Yes, a purpose statement needn’t necessarily be catchy in the same way that a mantra must be,” said Dannis. “It is absolutely essential, however, that a mantra not only be catchy but also easy to remember. Hmm, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves, all right? We’ll be covering mantras in a future lesson.”
“As well as mission statements,” said Tavaris.
“And vision statements,” said Dannis.
“Don’t forget positioning statements!” Tavaris clapped his hands and beamed. “Oh, this is so exciting! Do you not find it exciting, young Tagio?”
“Oh yeah.” Helder’s voice dripped with a sarcasm that went unacknowledged by the teachers. “Definitely.”
Rosarius shook his head. This was all so fucking stupid, and not even a little bit exciting. He thought seriously about walking out in protest.
“We really should focus on the task at hand, though,” said Dannis. “In fact, at this precise moment you should be looking to put the finishing touches on your purpose statement.”
“Quite so,” said Tavaris. “To that end, we’ll give you a little more time then, shall we?” He turned to Dannis. “Um, let’s see how Group Three is progressing shall we, dear?”
“Fuck off,” said Rosarius under his breath. Three was his group. Dannis and Tavaris, their noses pointed at the ceiling, sashayed toward him as briskly as their gowns permitted.
“Ho there!” said Tavaris. “Group Three! How are you coming along?”
Rosarius folded his arms and looked at the opposite wall.
“All right, I guess,” said Tacius, Group Three’s other member.
“Have you come up with a purpose statement yet?” asked Dannis.
“Um.” Tacius wrinkled his nose. “Well we were, uh, just discussing that.”
“That’s not what my colleague asked you,” said Tavaris, shaking his head.
Rosarius turned around. “I have a couple of questions for you, actually.”
“Questions?” asked Dannis. “Oh? Very well, then. Let’s hear your questions.”
“Well,” said Rosarius, “first of all, I want to know why you think the Bastion even needs a purpose statement.”
“You want to know why?” asked Tavaris. “I believe we told you why at the beginning of the lesson!”
“Yes.” Dannis looked down his nose at Rosarius. “We made it abundantly clear from the outset, methinks. Surely you do not expect us to repeat ourselves, do you?”
Tavaris sniffed. “The only thing I think, dear one, is that this particular student doesn’t like using his ears.”
“No, I heard you,” said Rosarius. “I just don’t see how any of this is relevant.”
“Is that so?” asked Tavaris, placing his hands on his hips. “Truly?”
“How, exactly,” asked Dannis, “is it not relevant?”
“For one thing,” said Rosarius, “the Bastion is a military academy. Has been for centuries. It should be pretty fucking obvious to everyone what we’re about, don’t you think?”
“What we’re about?” Tavaris recoiled as if Rosarius had spat on his dress. “I think someone’s getting their purpose statement confused with their mission statement!”
“I concur,” said Dannis, looking Rosarius up and down. Maybe he remembered him from that tribunal bullshit a few months back, and maybe not. “Although actually, dear, I suspect that this particular student might be trying to say he thinks that our class is superfluous.” He drew his neatly plucked brows down in disapproval.
“Surely not!” said Tavaris. “Is that what he’s saying?”
Rosarius shook his head. “Tell me something, then. What was Jevad the Destroyer’s purpose statement?”
“Who the what?”
“Jevad the Destroyer.”
“I’m sorry, but the name doesn’t ring a bell.”
“No,” said Dannis. “Never heard of him.”
Rosarius shared an incredulous look with Tacius, who rolled his eyes. “You two don’t know who Jevad the Destroyer was? Jevad Worldsbane? The Black Butcher? Jevad, the Sword of Kuel? The man who conquered the world in the Red Age? For some odd reason, we fucking tend to study him a lot at this fucking military academy.”
“I’m quite sure that I do not like your tone,” said Tavaris. “Or your foul language. At all.”
Dannis sniffed. “So, are you suggesting that you don’t think this Jevad person had a purpose statement?”
“If he did,” said Rosarius, “he certainly didn’t call it that.”
“No doubt he had a plan, though?”
Rosarius laughed. “Like I said, he conquered the whole fucking world. So yeah, I’m pretty sure he had a fucking plan.”
Dannis folded his arms. “Don’t you get smart with me!”
Rosarius wasn’t about to back down. “The Destroyer was the warlord to end all warlords. I strongly doubt, though, that dividing his troops into tiny groups and making them come up with purpose statements, or whatever the fuck, played any role in his career whatsoever.”
“You!” shrieked Tavaris. “You mind your language! We didn’t ask for your opinion on the matter, did we? No! We only asked you for purpose statements. So, do you have a purpose statement to share with us or not?”
Rosarius shook his head and leaned forward in his seat. “No. Why, what are you going to do about it?”
The classroom fell silent. All eyes were on Rosarius’s hands as they curled into fists. Gods help him, he would beat these two fuckwits bloody!
And then suddenly Romelo lurched to his feet, completely obliterating the tension. “Hey, ever’body!” he slurred, obviously drunk. “I got a fuckin’ purpose shtatement for yer!”
“Ah!” said Tavaris, his pencilled-in eyebrows going up. “Mister Ales! Yes, yes. Let’s hear from a person of quality.”
“Quiet everybody!” shouted Dannis, clapping his hands for silence even though no one else was even talking. “Mister Ales has something he’d like to share with the class. Quiet, please! Quiet!”
Romelo looked around to make sure he had the room’s attention. “All right,” he said, swaying from side to side. “Get thish. Here’sh what I come up with. I reckon the Bashtion’s purpose shtatement should be thish: Fucking up cunts!”
The class guffawed. Even Rosarius allowed himself a smirk, though he concealed it behind his wrist.
Tavaris’s mouth hung open. “What did you say?”
“Fucking up cunts,” said Romelo. “You know, as in killin’ ‘em?”
“Ah,” said Dannis, not sure where to look.
Romelo grinned. “You guysh shaid you wanted shomethin’... what was it? Broad and far reaching, or some shit. Well, fucking up cunts fitsh the bill nicely, I reckon. Not only ish it what we do, it’s inshpirational as well. Right? Because yer said we got extra points if our purposhe statement was also inshpirational.”
“Well,” said Tavaris. “Erm...”
“Right.” Dannis blinked. “In what way does it provide direction, though? I mean, obviously, a good purpose statement provides direction.”
“Ah,” said Romelo with a shrug, “well that’s easy isn’t it? We’ll jus’ fuckin’ march out o’ Sarashinia… in every fucking direcshun. And kill everyone, eh? Just fuck ‘em all up.”
A few members of the class laughed politely, but most didn’t say anything. Rosarius didn’t like his cousin any more than he already did, but at least today they didn’t seem to be at cross purposes.
“Er, thank you, mister. Ales,” said Dannis, smiling thinly through the awkward silence that followed. “You may sit down.” He plucked at Tavaris’s maunches and led him to a far corner of the room.
“This is embarrassing,” Rosarius heard Tavaris whisper. “I told you we should have arranged them in groups of four!” “Groups of two can be... I don’t know... conspiratorial!”
“I concur,” said Dannis. “Still, let’s not panic. Maybe we should just move on? What do you think? Should we see what the other groups have come up with, and then perhaps do the team building activity?” He reached into a front pocket and took out a handkerchief that he used to dab away the sweat collecting on his friend’s forehead.
“Careful,” said Tavaris flinching. “Careful! You’re smearing my foundation. Well, I vote to quit while we’re ahead and just do the team building activity. Because frankly I’m a little frightened to hear what the remaining groups have come up with. So far, no one seems to understand the concept of purpose statements at all! Where did we go wrong, do you think?”
“No, no,” said Dannis, “the fault lies not with us. These students clearly lack motivation.”
Tavaris nodded. “Well, of course. They’ve never had a purpose statement to guide them, have they?”
“You don’t think we should have given them a sample purpose statement to look at first, do you?”
Tavaris stared at him. “Hello? Thayria to Parms Dannis? We are facilitators, dear! Not spoon feeders. No, the root of the problem–and I am quite convinced of this, actually–is that these students have no real grasp of what’s truly important. As we’ve been saying from the start, their regressive curriculum is to blame.”
“Quite right,” said Dannis, nodding. “Quite right. The curriculum! These poor fellows have been permitted to spend entirely too much time involved in aggressive pursuits. You know, soldiering and the like. This is highly problematic, obviously, because it renders one rather bone-headed.”
Tavaris rubbed his hands together. “Do you think we could solve the problem by cutting back on their physical training sessions?”
“I love it!” said Dannis, clapping. “I must confess, I’ve never understood the point of all the marching they do. You wouldn’t think walking needs practicing, would you?”
Tavaris rubbed a lacquered fingernail against his gown. “One would tend to think not. And did you know they practice with arms every day?”
“Oh, truly?” asked Dannis, checking that his own nails were still intact. “I didn’t realise they went at it quite as often as that. No, that does seem excessive for officer training. Do officers even fight?”
“I don’t believe so. No.”
“So would one day a month be sufficient to practice war’s craft then, do you think?”
“Oh, I should think so, yes. One cannot neglect it entirely, I suppose.”
Dannis nodded. “Yes. Everything in moderation, as they say. And do you know, I’ve just had an idea!”
“What is it?” Tavaris looked at him expectantly.
“Makeovers! The poor creatures look so shabby, don’t they? Not a hint of cosmetic enhancement to be seen. What do you think?”
Tavaris twirled and clapped. “Oh! Yes, yes! I love it!”
“Why, we could always–” began Dannis, but then he clucked at how noisy the class was becoming. “Oh no, we’re losing them. All right dear, perhaps we should get back to it then? Shall I do a quick summary, do you think, before we move on to the team building activity?”
“Right you are, sweetling,” said Tavaris. “Let’s proceed!”
Dannis dashed into the centre of the room. “All right, good people!” he shouted, clapping. “Great work, today! Really, really great work! I truly do believe that thanks to today’s work on purpose statements, you’re all beginning to understand what the Bastion is all about. What is it all about, again?”
The class went silent, and stayed that way.
“Yes, that’s right,” said Tavaris. Serving and preserving our imperial dominion.”
No one said anything. Beside him, Helder looked at him blankly. Rosarius thought back to the day of their tribunal, back to when these two idiots had referred to Colton as ‘Prince Colton.’ And now they were talking about imperial dominion? Were they just being pretentious fuckwits, or did they genuinely believe Eusebio was king of Sarasinia?
Dannis and Tavaris mistook the absence of chatter for rapt attention. “Precisely!” cried Dannis. “I can tell by your expressions that it’s all beginning to sink in. Marvellous!”
“Most encouraging,” said Tavaris. “Most encouraging indeed! But as for the purpose statement itself? Oh dear, well we didn’t quite get there, did we?” He waggled a finger in mock remonstration. “And how you have survived as long as you have without knowing what a purpose statement is? Well! Well, it’s simply beyond me. ‘Where are we headed?’ ‘What drives us forward?’ These are the vital questions we must strive to answer if we are to succeed as agents of Sarasinian dominion! Ah, well not to worry, because–and here I’m going to shamelessly borrow one of your more military-minded turns of phrase–we’ll reorganise and double down on our assault on that particular foe. Eh? Eh?”
The students looked at each other. “You fuckin’ idiots,” hissed Rosarius under his breath.
“Well said, sweetling,” said Dannis. “We are facilitating your empowerment. Why? Because we want you to succeed as students! It is a fact that your individual success is absolutely critical to the Bastion’s success as a whole. More on that, of course, in due course. Because for right now we have a real treat lined up for you!”
Tavaris clapped his hands. “Oh, yes! A real treat!”
“So then,” said Dannis, “everybody on their feet!”
“Form a circle over here!” said Tavaris, moving to one side of the class where a sizeable area of clear space had been reserved. “Make it big enough so there’s plenty of wiggle room for us all to see you when it’s your turn to go in the middle.”
The students were slow to move, but eventually they arranged themselves into something that vaguely resembled a circle. “Do you want us to hold hands as well?” asked someone. Muffled laughter followed.
Tavaris refused to be baited. “Good, good. Now, everybody be seated on the floor, please.”
With the students in position, Dannis stepped into the middle of the circle clutching a small purple sack. “I have an important issue to raise,” he said, looking at each student in turn. “We have heard tell that there is bad blood between certain members of this class.”
Rosarius and Romelo glanced at each other.
“This bad blood,” said Tavaris as he stepped into the ring to join Dannis, “should not be, but it is. And it cannot be allowed to continue. It must, as I’m sure you will agree, be cleansed.”
Dannis brandished the purple sack. “To aid in this task, we have something very special to share with you all.”
“Watch!” barked Tavaris. “And no talking!”
“Behold,” said Dannis, his eyes twinkling. “For I present to you… the Healing Stone!” With a flourish, he reached inside the sack and withdrew an object.
The Healing Stone turned out to be a pink crystal about the length and width of a baby’s arm, and with a flat, polished base wrapped in copper wire. The class regarded it dubiously.
“Look at the wonder writ large on their faces!” cried Tavaris.
“Doubtless.” Dannis cupped the crystal reverently in one hand and stroked its length with the other. The students sniggered, but he ignored them. “For the Healing Stone is a thing of wonder! Let each of you gaze on it with awe, as we do, for this is no ordinary stone. Behold, students, for what I hold betwixt my fingers is a most remarkable tool!”
“I’ll bet it is,” said someone, to snorts of laughter.
“Still your despicable tongues!” yelled Tavaris, not mistaking their meaning. “No doubt you see this thing before you as a mere rock. Nevertheless, I assure you, it is not. It is... the Healing Stone!”
“Yes,” said Dannis. “Now, before we proceed, I should like to explain how the Stone works. Well, what I like to do is take a firm grip on it like so.” As he shifted his hands, the entire class roared with laughter.
“There will be silence!” yelled Tavaris.
“There’s no need for rudeness!” said Dannis. “Students, truly that was uncalled for.” There were more guffaws and giggles. “Now, the next step is to address the Stone. It is a simple matter of speaking your troubles into it. Now, I must stress that this will only work if you say your troubles aloud. But I swear to you, as surely as the sun orbits our world, it does work.”
“Truly, it does,” said Tavaris. “You have but to speak of your worries to the Stone and it will absorb them.”
“So,” said Dannis, “what we shall do is as follows: one by one you will enter the circle and take hold of the Healing Stone. You will then air your grievances. Specifically, you will mention the name of the person or persons whom you feel have wronged you. Moreover, you will list the harms that person or persons has done to you. Thereafter the Stone will activate, miraculously relieving you of your burdens! I assure you that before we leave this classroom today, the bad blood that exists between any of you will be completely gone.”
“So mote it be-e-e-e!” chanted Tavaris.
“So mote it be-e-e-e!” chanted Dannis, and then he placed the crystal on the ground and left the circle.
The students all looked at one another, but no one moved.
“I wonder who shall go first?” Tavaris also departed the circle. “Step within, speak your troubles to the Stone as we have described. Come now, don’t be shy.”
“This is a safe space!” said Dannis. “No one here will judge you, and you may speak your mind without fear! The Healing Stone is truly a thing of wonder, believe me!”
Gylio stood up. “Yeah. All right. I’ll have a fuckin’ go, then.”
“Please do!” said Dannis, gesturing at him to come forward. “Let’s give a hand to our first volunteer.” He began clapping, and of course Tavaris followed him, but not one of the students joined in.
Gylio edged toward the crystal. “I’m supposed to what, just pick it up?”
“Correct,” said Tavaris. “Take up the Stone in both hands and speak to it. Speak to it as we have instructed. Go on, dear!”
Gylio picked it up the crystal and closed his eyes. A hush descended over the classroom.
“Do go on, er, student?” said Dannis. “Please... continue.”
“O, precious Stone,” intoned Gylio with great solemnity, “I beseech you, heed my call!”
“Very good,” said Tavaris. “Now tell the Stone your troubles, dear.”
“O, wondrous Stone, aid this lowly servant, for alas I have a serious problem.”
Dannis urged him on. “You must state the problem, dear.”
“Aid me, O righteous gem,” said Gylio, “for I am in dire straits indeed. You see, my problem is–”
“That you can’t find your dick?” shouted someone.
Gylio opened his eyes. “Yeah! Hey, how’d ya fuckin’ guess?” All pretence of gravity evaporated as he put the base of the crystal against his crotch. “Oh no, wait–what’s this? Never mind, boys, I found the bastard!” He began thrusting his hips and the class erupted with laughter.
“My turn!” shouted someone, and a dozen students each tried to claim the crystal for themselves. Gylio handed it to the first comer, then stood back as they all elbowed each other in their eagerness to outdo his performance.
“Come at me, brothers!” shouted Helder, bent over, hands pressed to his butt cheeks. “See if you can’t give me some extra deep healing!” His classmates roared.
Rosarius hadn’t laughed so hard in recent memory. He wiped away tears as Dannis and Tavaris stood there, rooted to the spot, too shocked for words. This. Was. Glorious.
Tavaris was the first to recover his wits. “You vile beasts! Out! Get out!” With some difficulty he waded into the tangle of students and managed to wrest the crystal away.
“Everybody out of the classroom!” shouted Dannis, his voice rising to an almost impossibly high pitch. “Leave! Leave! Leave at once!”
The students fled, squawking and giggling. Most went back to the barracks, happy at having some free time. Rosarius nearly went with them, but some impulse told him that he should stay. Something, it said, would pass between Dannis and Tavaris that he needed to hear. So he doubled back to listen and watch outside one of the classroom windows.
“What animals!” said Tavaris, wiping away a tear stained black with kohl. He cradled the crystal in both hands.
“I know, I know,” said Dannis. “Is the Stone all right?”
“I believe so,” said Tavaris, returning it to its purple sack and cinching the drawstring tight.
Dannis breathed a sigh of relief. “Good! Good. Oh, thank the stars!”
“But oh, dear, whatever shall we do about this class? Such awful students!”
“I concur,” said Dannis, putting a comforting hand on Tavaris’s shoulder. “But we shall not allow ourselves to become disheartened. After all, we have only just begun our work here, have we not? There are bound to be a few hurdles to clear before we hit our stride, surely.”
Tavaris nodded. “I suppose that’s true. However, we should implement those curriculum changes we were discussing earlier, dear. The sooner the better.”
“Yes,” said Dannis. “Yes. The sooner the better, I quite agree. We’ll tame these savages yet.”
“Quite so. Take the animals out of the jungle, and surely the jungle will come of out the animals.”
“Hmm.” Dannis looked thoughtful. “Yes, I do like that.”