20
BENE
THE UNIVERSITY OF GERICH ASSET RECOVERY TEAM
EASTERN RENDEROS
MUMOLO
For two days the party had clung to its hilltop position outside Mumolo. Roaoo was apparently waiting for what he called ‘the perfect time’ to send the soldiers in, though he hadn’t elaborated on when that would be, exactly. The town was still wreathed in smoke from the fires, so perhaps he was waiting for it to clear. He didn’t seem concerned that she was probably half a week ahead of them now, off to fuck-knows-where to continue her wight-making mischief. But presumably the magister knew what he was doing, and anyway, who was Bene to question his methods?
With some unexpected free time on his hands, he decided to tour the camp. It didn’t take long to spot Khela sitting on a log with a book open on her lap. Absent-mindedly winding a strand of her golden hair around a forefinger, she seemed lost in its pages. It was like a scene from a fairy tale. She couldn’t be more beautiful if she tried. They were on reasonably good terms again, so he was tempted to go over and say hello, but she really seemed to be enjoying her own company. He didn’t want to ruin that. No, he thought, best to just leave her be.
He was still turning away when Damien Barls came out of nowhere, casting a shadow across Khela’s feet and causing her to look up. Bene moved to confront him, a few choice words forming on his lips. At the last moment, though, curiosity got the better of him and he held off, squatting behind a tree stump where he could watch without being seen. After all, he needed evidence against the man for Roaoo, didn’t he? He might just get some if he let him harass Khela a little first. Besides, he’d look like a hero when he eventually came to her rescue.
“Oh ‘ello!” Barls said to Khela, a sickly grin plastering his face.
“Hello,” said Khela. She tried to mask her disgust.
“Fancy seeing you ‘ere. So, how are ya?”
“Fine.” But Bene could tell by her body language that she wanted to run.
“Yeh. Yeh, me too.”
“That’s good.”
“Yeh.” There was a lengthy pause. “Ya know, yer real pretty.”
“Uh,” said Khela, glancing around as if to reassure herself that she wasn’t alone with the man. There were some soldiers on the periphery, but no one in her immediate vicinity. “Thanks.”
Barls seemed oblivious to her anxiety. “Yeh. Real pretty.” He traced his bottom lip with his tongue.
“Hmm,” said Khela, feigning intense interest in her book. “Well, nice talking to you...”
Barls shuffled his feet and gazed up at the clouds. If Khela had hoped he would simply go away, she was surely disappointed. Then he coughed and said, “Yeh. Oh, hey, the name’s Barls by the way.” Another long silence followed. “Yeh. I mean, Damien’s me first name, o’ course. And so that makes, uh, Barls well... y’know, me uh, second one.” He held out a grubby hand.
“Research Assistant Rusen,” said Khela. There was no mistaking her icy tone, and she made no move to take his hand. “I’m a little busy, actually.”
Barls eventually realised that she wasn’t going to shake hands with him. In what was probably intended as a casual movement, he leaned against a dead sapling. It broke with a crack and deposited him on the ground. “Aw, fucken fuck!” he cried, getting to his feet and dusting himself off.
“Oops,” said Khela, covering her mouth and trying not to laugh. Behind his stump, Bene choked back a giggle.
Barls examined himself for grazes, which he spat on and rubbed with his pudgy fingers. Then he looked at Khela and screwed up his face. At first Bene thought he was about to cry, but instead he turned bright red and his whole body began to shake. There was an unmistakable look of rage in his eyes.
“Oh shit,” whispered Bene, ready to burst from his hiding spot.
Instead of attacking, Barls broke into a grin. “Yeh, heh heh,” he said, panting. “That was good, wasn’t it? Eh? Heh, heh, I absolutely meant to do that, you know. Heh, heh. Thought you’d like it, eh? Eh?”
“Um,” said Khela, pointing vaguely behind her. “I really should be getting back…”
“Wow, I really like yer eyes,” said Barls, his colour returning to normal. When Khela smiled uncertainly at that, he practically glowed with pleasure. “It’s so good to be this close to yer, y’know? I seen yer ‘round lots an’ I’ve wanted to, like, meet yer for the longest time.”
“Oh.”
“An’ yer real pretty. Everyone ‘ere thinks it.” He frowned. “Oh shit. I was s’posed to bring flowers, but I forgot. Shit.”
“Uh, that’s fine.” Khela was looking for an escape route in earnest now. “No need to go to any bother...”
“Heh. Y’know, I saw these heads on these poles a few weeks back. You know, how them indigemous people from ‘round ‘ere cut off heads and stick ‘em ‘round their villages? Yeh, it really got me thinkin’. I’s thinkin’ pacifically that if they ever put your head on one o’ them poles an’ shit, it would be, like, the prettiest one of ‘em all. Even once all the skin and everythin’ come off. Y’know, like, rotted away an’ stuff? Yeh, I bet even then ya’d still ‘ave the prettiest head of all time.”
Bene grimaced. What the fuck was he talking about? Was that some sort of veiled threat? Should he step in?
“Wow,” said Khela, swallowing. “While that’s quite the compliment, I, uh, think I really should be getting back to–”
“Yeh,” said Barls, apparently determined to finish his line of thought. “I ‘ave a lot o’ time to think about stuff an’ that on account o’ me work. Maybe ya seen me ‘round the chuckwagons? Yeh, reckon y’ave. Yer must of, ‘cause I’m workin’ there. In the chuckwagons. I know I seen yer ‘round there at meal times an’ such. Yeh, but that’s strick-ly temporary, o’ course. Me workin’ in the chuckwagons, I mean. Yeh. Reckon they’s gonna make me a fighter soon. Heh, heh. When I showed the colonel me blade work a few weeks back, he was real impressed. Told me I was a real danger. Hey, I know–lemme show ya some o’ me moves!”
“No, no,” said Khela, holding up a hand. “It’s all right, really. I actually do need to get going now.”
Barls ignored her. Taking a few paces back, he produced what looked like a paring knife. He waved it about theatrically, then thrust as if stabbing an invisible enemy. “Hup!” he cried, whirling around and almost losing his footing. “Hup! Hup!”
“Wow,” said Khela, closing her book with a snap. “Look, I don’t want to seem rude but I really need to be elsewhere.”
“No, wait!” cried Barls. He executed a series of frantic slashes and stabs to the left and right, hissing and spitting all over the place. He hesitated, thinking, before deciding on a backward lunge punctuated by another loud “Hup!” Then, as he spun around to face Khela once again, he stumbled and went down on one knee. It popped with a loud crack. Finally, with what was probably supposed to be a flourish, he put the knife away. He got to his feet, breathless and beaming with pride. “So? Eh? What’d ya think o’ that? Good, eh?”
Bene struggled not to laugh. It was like an obscene mockery of the worst clowning routine imaginable. But the true comedy was that the little man was deadly serious.
“Well,” said Khela, “it was certainly, uh, something.”
“Yeh,” said Barls, puffing out his chest. “Yeh. Knew ya’d love it. Heh, heh. Yeh, when I first started practicin’ I wasn’t really all that good, y’know? But these days I’m what they call, uh, what was it again? It’s ‘ec-something.’ Oh wait, no it’s ‘ex’ and then something.”
“Excellent?”
“No. Um, it’s a word what means the same thing as excellent, I think, but that’s not it. It’s somethin’ else...”
“Oh? All right.”
“It’s ‘ex...’”
“Ex?”
“Wait.” Barls tried to gather his thoughts. “Maybe it’s ‘excra’ and then something.”
“Excra?”
“Yeh! And then something.”
“Oh.” Bene could tell that Khela didn’t want to say what she said next, but she did anyway. “It’s not, uh, ‘execrable’ is it?”
Barls’s face lit up. “Aw, yeh! Yeh! That’s it! Exec-er-able! Heaps o’ people ‘ave been sayin’ me knife skills are exec-er-able!”
Bene spluttered, trying not to laugh. He clamped both hands over his mouth, his chest heaving, tears streaming down his face.
“I think that’s about right, too,” said Khela, standing up, “and now you’ll really have to excuse me.”
Barls stepped in front of her, barring her path. “Yeh,” he said, “y’know, I reckon a woman like yerself needs a strong man like me around to protect ‘er. Y’know, keep ya safe an’ whatnot? Like, from wolves an’ stuff. Or them native Renderosians. Because hey, if anyone ever threatened ya...” He took up what was probably meant to be a fighting stance but looked more like a monkey taking a shit. “Yeh, I’m protective of all me women. Ya can count on it, eh, ‘cause it’s a fact.”
Bene saw that Khela was on the verge of panic. He took a breath and readied himself to confront Barls.
“I need to go,” said Khela. “Let me past, if you don’t mind?”
Barls ignored her. “An’ another thing–”
Bene dashed out of his hiding place. Inserting himself squarely between Khela and the little creature, he shouted, “Damien Barls! You’re out of bounds! Get back to the chuckwagons right now!”
“Oh, thank fuck,” whispered Khela.
Barls sized Bene up. His lips curled back in a sneer. “You? Piss off.”
“Excuse me?” said Bene, furrowing his brow. “You need to leave, Barls. Immediately.”
Barls drew himself up to his full height, which was still half a head shorter than Bene, and Bene was not particularly tall. “Lemme alone,” he whined. “You weedy fucken prick!”
“How dare you address me like that?” Bene narrowed his eyes. “Do you have any idea who you’re talking to? Consider yourself on report.”
“Fuck you,” spat Barls. “Lemme alone or I’ll fucken cut ya!”
Bene went very still. “What did you say?”
“Let’s just go,” said Khela, grabbing Bene by the arm. Her hands were trembling, and he regretted not acting sooner.
Bene shook his head. “I don’t think so.”
“Yer a stupid weedy fucken cunt!” Barls howled. “I’m a soldier! I’m in Tonneson’s Scouts, don’t ya know? I don’t take no fucken orders from you!”
“Holy shit,” Bene said to Khela. “Can you believe this?”
“Let’s just get out of here,” said Khela.
Bene turned back to Barls. “You need to leave, Barls. Go back to the chuckwagons immediately.”
Barls gnashed his teeth. “Yer not the boss o’ me, eh, Weedy. Cunt! So fuck off, ya fucken cunt box.”
“I am the boss of you, Barls,” said Bene. “I have the same authority as Colonel Tonneson on this expedition, and I’m second only to Magister Roaoo himself. And if you don’t do as I say, I’m going to have you whipped raw–that much I promise you.”
Barls, practically bursting with fury, pulled out his paring knife. “Fuck! Ya stupid fucken weedy fucken cunt! Ya forced me hand, dick cunt!”
Bene backed away, holding his arms out and blocking Barls’s path to Khela. “Woah! Hey, are you for real? You could hurt someone. Put that away.” He stared at the little man in disbelief. Was this actually happening?
Barls whipped his neck from side to side as if he were warming up before a morning run. “Let no one say I didn’t warn ya! Eh? Eh?” He took a few cautious steps sideways, knife held at the ready.
“You–” began Bene, but then a very large shape suddenly loomed over the three of them.
“Damien Barls,” said Tonneson. His voice was deep, measured, dangerous. “What in fuck’s name do you think you’re doing?”
Barls had to crane his neck just to look at the colonel’s chin. “Oh hi, sir!”
Tonneson stared down at him. “Answer me.”
“Um, well,” said Barls, rubbing the back of his head self-consciously. “I’s jus’ teachin’ this civvy cunt ‘ere a lesson.” He indicated Bene.
Tonneson kept his eyes fixed on Barls. “I don’t think so. Put the knife away.”
Barls stared back for a few moments, and then at the knife in his hand. He licked his lips. “Yeh, but...”
“No,” said Tonneson, shaking his head. “No buts. Just put the knife away. Do it now. I won’t warn you a third time.”
An evil smile spread across Barls’s face. He looked past the colonel, right at Bene’s throat. “Hup!” he cried, and lunged.
Tonneson’s fist connected with the side of Barls’s head. The little man fell, stiff legged, and hit the ground. A few moments later he started convulsing.
“Oh!” cried Khela. “Oh no!”
“Yeah,” said Tonneson. “That’s never a good sign.”
“Should we get someone to look at him?” asked Bene.
“No.”
“What?”
“I wouldn’t bother,” said Tonneson, rubbing his knuckles. “I say just leave him. He may come around. Or he may not.”
“What if he doesn’t?”
Tonneson shrugged. “Then he doesn’t.”
“Wait,” said Bene, mouth ajar. “You don’t care if he wakes up or not?”
“Nope.” The colonel’s face showed no emotion. “We all saw what he did. Attempted murder. If he even does wake up, I’ve half a mind to hang him.”
“And you don’t want us to help him?” asked Khela.
“You can do as you like, I suppose.” He regarded them both coolly for a few moments, then strode off.
Bene glanced sideways at Khela before turning to face her. “Wow,” he said. “Holy shit! Wow.”
“We can’t leave him here like this,” said Khela. She looked at Barls with great concern, even if she wasn’t exactly hurrying to his side. His convulsions were slowing.
“This expedition,” said Bene. “Huh. I tell you, just when I think I’ve seen it all, something else happens that makes me realise shit can always get weirder.”
“I really think we should get him some help. Like, right now.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s a human being, Bene? Because he doesn’t deserve to die?”
Bene turned on her. “And what about my well-being, Khela? The little prick was going to stab me. You saw him. I could have been hurt, maybe even killed. What did I do to deserve that?”
“I know. But nothing happened, Bene. You weren’t hurt.”
“Nothing happened? How can you say nothing happened, Khel? Something fucking happened! No, I’m with Tonneson on this one. If he wakes up, he wakes up, and if he doesn’t, so what? I’m sure as shit not going to lose any sleep over him dying.”
Khela folded her arms. “No.”
“No?”
“No! I’m not gonna let him die.”
“What? You wanna save this creepy bastard’s life?”
“I do.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s a human being, Bene!” cried Khela, stamping her foot in exasperation. “There’s been enough killing around here lately and I just don’t think I can take any more!”
“Fuck,” said Bene, taking a deep breath. “All right, fine. But you heard Tonneson, right? Even if he does wake up, he’s going to be hanged.”
“No, he won’t.”
“And why’s that?” Bene fought the urge to spit. “Because you’ll intercede on his behalf?”
“Yes. That’s exactly what I’ll do. And if it comes down to it, you will as well. Because I’ll make you.”
Bene gave her the most pitiable look he could muster. “I can’t believe you.”
“Sorry to disappoint. Gotta say, though, I can’t believe you either.”
“Ugh,” said Bene, looking down at Barls. “You’re absolutely sure you want to save this miserable piece of shit?”
“Yes.”
“He might already be dead.”
“Bene! Stop trying to change my mind and do something?”
“All right, fine. Have it your way.” He put two fingers in his mouth and whistled, drawing the attention of a pair of soldiers. “Get a medic over here, will you?” he called. “There’s a man down.” The men gave him a gesture of acknowledgement.
“Thank you,” said Khela, taking Bene’s arm.
“Yeah.”
They sat on Khela’s log, watching over Barls until orderlies came and carried him away on a stretcher.
“I’m really glad you showed up when you did, though,” said Khela. “Thanks for that.”
Bene wasn’t about to admit that he hadn’t come as soon as he could have. Or should have. “Nah,” he said. “You should be thanking Big T, not me. If he hadn’t come along when he did, I don’t know how it might have ended.”
“Yeah,” said Khela. “I guess.”
“Ugh. Shit, I suppose now I’m gonna have to get him a thank you gift? I feel like I should. Although he probably doesn’t care one way or the other.”
“You’re not serious...”
Bene laughed. “When I first saw you over here with Barls, I knew something was up.”
“It was all very, very weird. Wasn’t it?”
“I can’t stand him, you know. And he can’t stand me either, as you might have guessed from all the names he called me.”
“I kinda got that impression, actually,” said Khela, giving him a wry look. “Why, what happened?”
Bene laughed again. “I guess I forgot to tell you.” He took a deep breath. “It’s a bit of a long story, though.”
“That’s all right,” said Khela, shrugging. “I’ve got time if you have.”
“All right. Well, it happened a few weeks ago. I was talking with His Magister-y in his tent when Barls suddenly barged in. Apparently he’d been trying to speak with him for ages, but–”
“Wait,” said Khela, putting a hand on his arm. “His Magister-y?”
“Yep. That’s been my secret name for Roaoo for a while now.”
Khela giggled. “That’s hilarious!”
“Isn’t it just?” said Bene, grinning. “So anyway, Barls comes barging into the tent, right? He’d been trying to speak to Roaoo for a few weeks, or some shit, but apparently Roaoo kept turning him away. Didn’t have time for a lowly dishwasher, or something. Ha, ha, you know how he is.”
“Yeah. I do.”
“So anyway, I stood there, fully expecting Roaoo to just, I dunno, destroy the little guy. But then, for some reason he didn’t. Maybe he was bored or curious or… something. It was weird. Anyway, he tells Barls to speak but to make it quick.
“Well, Barls bows and scrapes and says his thank yous and whatnot, and then he says something about how he’s got some very important information about the wights.”
“About the wights?”
Bene nodded. “Yeah. So Roaoo tells him to go ahead. He does, but I can’t follow the story because Barls is all over the place. However, it’s apparent that he believes he’s the cause of them.”
“He’s the cause of them?”
“Right.”
“He’s the cause of the wights, you mean? Barls?”
“Yes. Exactly.”
“How?”
Bene laughed at her confusion. “Oh don’t worry, Roaoo asks him the exact same question. At which point Barls breaks down and very tearfully confesses that he’s been jerking off into the camp latrines at night.”
“What?”
“Barls had apparently been jerking off into the latrines on a nightly basis. Which he believed to be the genesis of the wights...”
Khela shook her head. “Huh? I don’t get it.”
Bene smiled. “Try to stay with me Khel. It’s Barls, remember?”
“All right…”
“So Barls had been sneaking into the latrines at night to jerk himself off, right? Night after night, since the very beginning of our expedition.”
“I understood that much,” said Khela, making a face. “Which is disgusting, by the way.”
“No kidding, Khel. But what else do you expect from a grotty little simpleton?”
“All right. And?”
“He’s clueless about everything, and of course that includes wights. He has absolutely no idea about them, aside from the fact that they exist, obviously. He doesn’t understand the connection between them and the object, or her, or anything. As far as he’s concerned it’s all a mystery.”
“All right?”
“Well, somehow he got it into his head that wights emerge from human shit…”
“Oh no,” said Khela, closing her eyes. “The latrines. Oh, yuck. I think I know where this is going now.”
Bene hooted with glee. “Right! All this time, Barls has been thinking turds are wight eggs, and he’s been jerking off on them. Fertilising them, as it were, with his cum! You know, kind of like how fish and frogs reproduce?”
“Oh no. Oh no.”
Bene doubled over, cackling. “He’d been thinking of himself as some kind of wight-father, servicing our turd-eggs! Oh Khel, you just can’t make this stuff up.”
“That’s just gross,” said Khela. “Ugh, and maybe the most appalling thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Actually now that I think about it, full moons figured into the whole mess too, somehow, but I can’t really remember the details. Can you imagine, though? According to Barls, every shit pit we’ve ever dug was the source of a whole new generation of wights? And he was their king! Ha, ha, ha!”
Khela looked at Bene as if he were being unjustifiably cruel. “Poor Barls, though. That’s absolutely horrible.”
“I know! And he was deadly serious about it, too. He was practically in tears by the end of his little confession! Of course, I was too, but for a totally different reason. I couldn’t help myself, Khel. I was laughing so hard I swear I nearly passed out. Barls gave me the dirtiest looks, too. I can still see his face.”
“Yep. Now it’s pretty clear why he hates you so much. So what did Roaoo do?”
“Eh, not a lot. He took the whole thing pretty well, considering. He did say it was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard, though, and that Barls should not come forward with any more stories. And then he told him to leave.”
“And Barls just left?”
“Yeah,” said Bene with a shrug. “He did. I mean, what else could he do? I couldn’t stop laughing, and Roaoo told me to grow up. I did my best, but you know me, so then he ordered me out as well. So I left.”
“Poor Barls.”
Bene stopped smiling. “Poor Barls? Why do you keep saying that? I wouldn’t waste my sympathy on him if I were you. Anyway, he tried to get revenge on me a few days later.”
“Oh, no. Why, what did he do?”
“Brought me food, which was something he’d never done before. He had this ridiculous grin on his face the whole time, too. It was screamingly obvious there was something wrong with it. He tried to dump it after I made it clear I wasn’t going to touch it, but the chuckwagon boss saw and whipped him for wasting food.”
“Poor Barls.”
Bene frowned. “Look, you really need to stop saying that. Save your pity for someone who actually deserves it. He’s completely insane.”
“How did he even get hired for this expedition?”
“Yeah. It’s a question I ask myself all the time,” said Bene, sniffing. He stood up. “Anyway, forget him. We should probably go and do some work.”
“I kind of want to go and see if he’s all right, though. Is that bad?”
Bene shook his head. He looked at Khela, who stared back with an innocence that made him sad. “Khel,” he said, “you have the softest heart of anyone I’ve ever met. It’ll be your undoing, I swear.”