Chapter 6
Back on Saturday, August 26th, 2006, the blue plasma light illuminated the inside of Crazy Hole.
John walked his horse out of Crazy Hole, and Bart's old saddlebags mysteriously reappeared on his saddle. John noticed and smiled.
He removed his shirt from his horse. He placed his bag of loot and the four stolen and his cartridge belts and pistols in the saddlebag.
John placed his shirt back on, then looked around and realized he was back home, safe and sound.
He quickly grabbed that part of the bush he cut away and propped it up to hide the entrance to Crazy Hole. He didn't want some hiker to stumble upon his secret.
"I did it. I'm an old western outlaw," John cried out while he did a victory dance and then dorky imitation of Michael Jackson's moonwalk. He noticed some hikers about fifty feet away while they stared at him. John quickly stopped.
The hikers shrugged him off as being weird and walked away.
"I think I got saddle sores!" he said suddenly in pain while he grabbed his butt cheeks.
John grabbed the reigns and limped his horse away from Crazy Hole. He got ten feet away from Crazy Hole and got in the saddle of his horse.
He rode his horse off and headed back down Dutchman's Trail.
It was later, and John rode his horse back to his pickup and trailer. He got out of the saddle of his horse, grabbed the reins, and walked his horse into his trailer.
John got in the F150 and drove off.
After he drove back to the Desert Ranch Horse Stables.
He parked his trailer, removed his horse from it, and walked him to stall number eight.
He walked his horse inside the stall and removed the saddle. He laid the saddle on the ground.
He closed the stall door and left the stable with the saddlebags in hand.
John drove his F150 back to his apartment.
John, still in his cowboy hat, rushed inside his apartment with Bart's saddlebag in hand.
He ran down his hallway and into his bedroom. He ran over to his dresser and opened up his sock and underwear drawer.
He removed the cloth bag from his saddlebag. He took a white sock and removed all the gold and silver coins from his cloth bag and poured them into the sock. He kept two silver dollars and shoved them in his pocket. He placed the sock and cloth bag back in his drawer and closed it.
He opened the bottom drawer shoved the three stolen cartridge belts and pistols and his cartridge belt and pistol under some clothes. He closed his drawer then he shoved Bart's saddlebag under his bed.
He raced out of this bedroom.
He ran down his hallway and into his living room and up to his old Dell computer at his cheap pressboard computer desk.
He turned on his Dell and got frustrated while it took forever to boot up.
The Dell finally booted up, and John quickly typed "John Mathers alias the Kissing Bandit in 1883" in the search block of Yahoo. He waited impatiently for the results. They appeared, and John looked when nothing showed up in the results. He slammed his fist on the desk. "I can't believe there's nothing about me?" John thought about his recent adventure, then he looked determined to complete his plan.
John opened up a drawer and removed some paper and a pen. He quickly hand drew a map of the 1883 Phoenix area.
He drew in the cities of Oak Creek, Rattlesnake, Stone Valley, and Mountain Rock. He placed an "X" through Oak Creek. He shoved the paperback in the drawer and closed it.
After a quick dinner, John relaxed in front of his TV. He watched The American Outlaws movie and held the two of the silver coins he stole from 1883.
Halfway during the movie, John called Angie on his cell phone and wanted to make up.
In Angie's apartment, she sat on her couch and looked at her new cell phone while it rang and saw John called. She placed her cell phone down on her coffee table and walked away since she was still pissed at him.
John disconnected his call and felt terrible that Angie was upset. But he figured she would forgive him, as she always did in the past. He left his cell phone on his coffee table.
Later, John retired to his bed.
He slept like a baby that night and had dreams of being famous and in the history books.
John dreamt they made movie after movie about the life of John Mathers, alias the Kissing Bandit.
John dreamt he was in the movie theater when the movies first came out with a smirk on his face as he watched his outlaw ways on the silver screen. Brad Pitt played John Mathers.
John dreamt he walked through a bookstore and saw a book on his outlaw life was a best seller.
John woke up Sunday morning, August 27th, 2006.
He ate a quick breakfast of Cocoa Krispies and gulped down a cup of coffee. He didn't shave, as he wanted that rugged look.
He ran out of the kitchen, down the hallway to his bedroom. He grabbed his cowboy hat and cloth bag from his dresser.
He opened up his bottom drawer and looked at his holster and pistol. He looked at the other pistols. He smiled and removed one of the stolen pistols and cartridge belt.
He removed the pistol from the holster and emptied the bullets from the pistol and dropped them in his drawer.
He closed the drawer then shoved the pistol back into the holster. He slung the cartridge belt over his shoulder.
He rushed out of his bedroom and out of his apartment.
John drove to the only western store opened on Sunday and bought a new saddlebag.
He hopped back in his F150 and drove to the Desert Ranch Horse Stables and picked up his horse.
John drove his F150 east on the Superstition Highway and parked in the dirt parking lot after he followed signs for the Peralta Trailhead. He parked his F150. He got out with his new saddlebag and his cowboy hat.
He reached back in his F150 and removed a large bottle of water he bought before he stopped at the stables. He gulped down some water then placed the bottle in his saddlebag.
He reached in his F150 and removed two more large bottles of water and shoved them into the saddlebag.
He rushed to his trailer, opened the gate, and walked inside, then walked his horse out. He placed the saddlebag on the saddle then hopped on it.
He rode his horse off to Bluff Springs Trail.
Later that day, John rode his horse to Crazy Hole and used the same routine to travel back in time through Crazy Hole.
It was Wednesday, September 12th, 1883.
John rode his horse north toward Oak Creek. He felt like a big shot outlaw with two pistols at this side.
He rode near Oak Creek and stopped. He looked at the town and saw the Butterfield Overland stagecoach as it waited by the hotel.
John didn't want to ride through Oak Creek and risk being arrested for yesterday's robbery, so he rode north of Oak Creek.
John rode for another hour with a couple of stops to give his horse a drink of water when he crossed a small creek, or he used the water from his bottles. He had his cloth bag tucked inside the front of his pants.
John eventually rode to the top of a hill where below the Butterfield Overland stagecoach trail ran from Oak Creek to Stone Valley. He watched the trail down below as he suspected the stagecoach should be coming any minute.
He got out of the saddle from his horse and walked around to stretch his legs. John stood by his horse on top of a hill.
He removed his pistol and twirled it.
He dropped his pistol into the dirt. He picked up his pistol.
He twirled it again and dropped it the dirt.
While he picked up his pistol, he spotted the Butterfield Overland stagecoach while it rode down the dirt trail to Stone Valley. He quickly put his pistol back in his holster.
He quickly hopped back in the saddle of his horse, and as the second his butt hit the saddle, his face cringed. "Not now!" John said and he quickly hopped out of the saddle of his horse.
He raced to a nearby bush, unbuttoned his jeans and removed his penis. He peed on the bush. Then he heard the dangerous sound of a rattlesnake. He cautiously looked around and saw a rattlesnake five feet away, poised to strike.
John quietly inched away from the angry rattlesnake.
When he felt it was safe, he turned around, and high tailed it to his horse. He jumped up like a pro and hopped in the saddle of his horse.
He galloped his horse off the hill and down to the trail.
John raced his horse after the stagecoach in relief that the rattlesnake didn't strike him.
He stopped his horse twenty feet on the trail in front of the stagecoach.
John quickly hopped out of the saddle of his horse and whipped out his pistol and aimed them at the stagecoach driver and the cowboy that rode alongside him with a Winchester rifle.
"Whoa!" the driver yelled out when he saw John with his pistols aimed at his stagecoach.
"Throw down your weapons, or you both will never see another sunset or sunrise," John yelled out with the meanest outlaw voice he could muster up.
The cowboy with the Winchester leaned to his side and kept an eye on John while he spat out some chewing tobacco to the ground.
Then the cowboy moved as if he was going to shoot at John. The stagecoach driver noticed this and got concerned.
"I heard about this outlaw that wore strange clothes at Oak Creek yesterday. Look at him. Who in their right mind would rob a stagecoach like that? I think he's loco, so don't start anything," the driver told his partner and looked nervous while John had his pistol aimed at them.
"Yeah, I think you're right," the cowboy said then he threw down his Winchester while the driver threw down his cartridge belt with a pistol. The weapons landed close to John's horse.
Jessica, Wilbur, Russell, and Anthony cautiously peeked out the stagecoach windows, as they were curious.
John rushed over and stood over the Winchester and pistol. He aimed his pistols at the stagecoach. "Everybody out or the driver and his partner get shot!" John yelled out and hoped they would believe his bluff.
The stagecoach door creaked opened, and Jessica, Wilbur, Russell, and Anthony stepped out. They stood by the door afraid of John.
"Walk over here with your hands up in the air," John instructed.
Jessica, Wilbur, Russell, and Anthony walked over to John with their arms raised in the air.
"Throw your pistols over here," John yelled out and pointed at the Winchester and the driver's cartridge belt on the ground.
Wilbur, Russell, and Anthony quickly removed their cartridge belts with pistols and threw them where John pointed.
"Put your money in my bag!" John ordered.
Wilbur, Russell, and Anthony looked at John. They're eyes widen in shock when they saw his penis while it poked out of the fly of his pants. They snickered at the sight of John.
John got pissed when Wilbur, Russell, and Anthony snickered at him as he thought they mocked his outlaw ways.
Jessica saw John's penis and quickly covered her eyes with her hands. She peeked through a finger as she was curious.
"What's so funny?" John asked.
Anthony pointed at John's crotch.
John looked down and saw his fly was open, and his penis poking out. He turned all shades of red and gave a quiet scream. He quickly made himself decent he aimed his pistols at them, pissed.
"I said, put your gold and silver coins and pistols in my bag," John yelled and moved to Wilbur.
The stagecoach driver and cowboy sat on the stagecoach and watched.
Wilbur reached in his pocket and dumped some gold and silver coins in John's bag.
John moved over to Anthony, who reached in his pocket and dumped his gold and silver coins in John's bag.
He moved over to Russell who had his gold and silver coins in his hand. He dumped them into the bag.
John moved over to Jessica, who opened her purse.
"No ma'am. John Mathers doesn't rob ladies," John said then he quickly planted a romantic kiss on her lips. She dropped her coins in the dirt. He released her from his passionate grip. "I steal a kiss from your sweet lips," John said with a smile.
Jessica returned a bashful smile at John.
John bent down and picked up her coins and dropped them in her purse. "Ma-am," he said with another smile.
"John Mathers, alias the Kissing Bandit, thanks to you. Now I want all of you to get back on the stagecoach," John ordered.
Jessica, Wilbur, Russell, and Anthony rushed back and got inside the stagecoach.
John quickly bent down and picked up the four cartridge belts and the Winchester. He cautiously walked backward to his horse with his pistol aimed at the stagecoach.
"Get out of here," John ordered the stagecoach driver.
The stagecoach driver snapped the reins, and they moved away down the trail.
John watched the stagecoach while it rode down the trail toward Stone Valley.
It was quiet inside the stagecoach while they rode away. Jessica looked out her window, lightly touched her lips, and thought about John. She thought he was cute.
When the stagecoach was way down the trail, John shoved his bag and stolen cartridge belts with pistols into his saddlebag.
He got back on his horse with the Winchester and galloped it back towards the direction of Oak Creek.
He rode off in the desert and rode north of Oak Creek.
John rode toward Miners Needle.
A little while later, and it was back to Sunday, August 27th, 2006. The blue plasma light illuminated Crazy Hole while John walked his horse, blindfolded with his shirt out. He stopped, removed his shirt from the horse and put it back on his body.
He got in the saddle of his horse and rode off down Dutchman's Trail.
He rode his horse back to his F150 and walked his horse into the trailer. He put his saddlebag and Winchester into the cab of his pickup and drove off.
After John settled his horse back in his stall at the Desert Ranch Horse Stables, he drove off in his F150 pickup.
On his way home to his apartment, John drove a different route home.
He passed by the Robert Home Ford dealership and saw a 2006 Mustang on display. He drove down the street, and he drooled at the thought of a new Mustang. He turned around.
An hour later, John traded his F150 in for a new Mustang. He also wrote a check for a down payment for the car. He figured some more trips to 1883, and he would own it outright in no time flat. It was a red convertible with red leather seats, and he had them install a trailer hitch. He placed the saddlebags and Winchester into the trunk and drove off with his new toy.
When John got back to his apartment with his saddlebag and Winchester.
He rushed over to his Dell computer and dropped the Winchester and saddlebag on the floor. He turned it on, and while he anxiously waited for it to boot up, he opened up the saddlebag and removed his cloth bag.
He looked at his take for today's adventure and counted eight gold coins and nine silver coins. Not much but he figured he'll do better with banks, as there were three more he could rob.
He rushed to his bedroom and shoved the coins in his cock with his previous booty.
His Dell finally booted up, and John quickly opened Yahoo and typed "John Mathers alias the Kissing Bandit" in the search block. Nothing came up in the search except a bunch of irrelevant results. John got disappointed but looked determined to get placed in the history books and a movie made about him.
He walked away from his Dell and went to the coffee table. He picked up his cell phone and turned it on. He noticed that Angie didn't call, and he figured she was still upset with John. He just thought he would make it up tomorrow.
It was now Monday morning, August 28th, 2006.
John woke up, and after his shower, he ate his standard bowl of Cocoa Krispies and sipped his coffee in his kitchen. He wondered how he could sneak away to complete his mission of placing himself in the history books. He couldn't go during the weekend, as he was already on thin ice with Angie. His eyes widened when he figured it out.
He ran out of the kitchen and into his living room. He grabbed his cell phone off the coffee table. He opened it up and made a call.
"Richard here," John's boss answered the call.
"Hey, boss. John Mathers," he replied.
"Calling in sick, Mathers?" Richard asked.
"No sir, I would like to take the rest of the week off as vacation."
There was a moment of silence from John's cell phone.
"I'm sorry for the short notice, but I really need to take some time off."
There were a few more moments of silence on the phone. "I checked on the computer, and you have four weeks of vacation on the books. Plus you haven't taken a vacation for a while. It's approved. So, what're your plans?" Richard said.
"Thinking of just hanging around the area. Nothing too exciting, as I just wanted some time off this week to take care of some personal business," John replied.
"Okay, Mathers. Get back here bright and early on Friday," Richard said. "We need to make sure our clients are stocked for the weekend."
"Yes sir," John replied, then disconnected his call and looked excited with having a week of becoming a famous outlaw.
John rushed down the hallway and went into his bedroom.
He rushed over to the closet and removed a duffel bag.
He went to his dresser and opened up the bottom drawer.
He shoved the eight cartridge belts with pistols and Winchester into the duffel bag. He opened up his underwear drawer and removed the sock full of coins. He dropped it into his duffel bag.
He left his apartment.
John jumped in his Mustang and raced off to a coin shop in Scottsdale.
Thirty minutes later, he walked out of there with a check for five thousand and six hundred dollars.
John jumped in his Mustang and drove off to the "Western Antique's" store in the Paradise Valley Mall.
He rushed down the mall with his duffel bag hung around his shoulder.
He rushed into the Western Antique's store and walked up to the counter with his duffel bag. He laid it on the counter.
Another salesman behind the counter saw John and walked up to him.
"Can I help you?" the salesman asked.
"I believe you'll buy antique guns?" John asked.
"Yes we do," the salesman replied then looked at the duffel bag. "Do you have some in the bag?" he added.
John opened up his duffel bag and removed the Winchester then the eight cartridge belts with pistols.
The salesman picked up one of the pistols and studied it. "Wow! All look to be from the eighteen-eighties? Where did you get them?" he asked.
John gave his best poker face. "They belonged to my great grandfather. My grandfather died three weeks ago. I found them stashed in his attic while we were moving his thing out of the house," John said.
"I'll give you forty-eight hundred dollars for the whole lot," the salesman.
John thought for a second, then smiled in agreement.
John strutted down the mall and had a huge smile with being four thousand and eight hundred dollars richer. Then he saw Todd's Tobacco Shop nearby. He stopped and looked at the shop. He remembered the cowboy that rode shotgun. That would complete me. He said with a proud smile.
John rushed into Todd's Tobacco Shop, and ten minutes later, he walked out with a small can of Skoal chewing tobacco.
John rushed out of the mall and to his Mustang in the parking lot.
He got in his Mustang and drove off out of the mall parking lot.
He drove to Phoenix and stopped at a different coin shop. He wanted to use another one, so he didn't drum up any suspicion.
Twenty minutes later, John walked out of the coin shop with another check for two thousand dollars. He strutted off away from the shop to his Mustang.
After a quick stop off at his bank to deposit his checks, John drove to the Western Snacks and Vending Company building.
In the payroll department, Angie worked on her computer.
John walked up to Angie in his cowboy hat with his right hand behind his back.
Angie looked up and rolled her eyes the second she saw John.
"What do you want?" Angie said, still upset over the weekend.
John's hand behind whipped out and revealed a dozen yellow roses, Angie's favorite. He smiled as he knew she would melt.
He handed her the roses, and she looked at them. She hesitated and couldn't resist, so she grabbed them and smelled their aroma.
"Howdy Ma'am, may I take you to lunch? I have something to show you," John said while he tipped his hat at Angie.
Angie smelled her roses and nodded in agreement for lunch.
They left the building and walked over to John's new Mustang in the parking lot.
"How can you afford a new Mustang?" Angie asked John while she looked the car over.
"Easy. My outlaw gig is paying off big time!" he said while he opened up the passenger door for her.
Angie looked a little baffled while she glanced at John. "You're what?"
"You know, I traveled back in time and became an outlaw robbing banks, stagecoaches and hopefully trains," he replied. Then John looked determined with a new idea. "You know what, I should write a book about the old west. I can gather information about the towns that were around then. Maybe the story can be about life as an old western outlaw," John said with thoughts of glory in his eyes.
Angie looked leery of John as if has a screw loose while she sat down in the passenger seat. John closed her door, rushed around, and got behind the wheel. He started up the Mustang and drove out of the parking lot.
He drove off down the street.
Five minutes had passed, and John turned the Mustang into the Outlaw Steak House parking lot.
Angie looked unhappy. "Not this stupid place again," she said while he drove around for an empty parking spot.
John parked his Mustang.
"Here's the deal. From now on, after we eat at this place, I get to choose the next restaurant," she said while he turned off the engine.
"It's a deal," John replied he reached around the back floorboard and grabbed his cowboy hat. He wore it while they got out of the car. Angie rolled her eyes as she thinks he looked stupid.
Inside the Outlaw Steak House, John, with his cowboy hat still on, and Angie followed the hostess, Jenny, to an empty booth by the wall.
John immediately got preoccupied with the memorabilia on the wall at their booth.
Angie reached across the table and snatched his hat off his head. "Quit wearing this stupid hat," she said while she laid his hat on her seat.
John eyed the memorabilia on the wall by their booth and craned his neck to see the memorabilia on the wall by nearby booths. "There should be something here about me," he said.
"What does that mean?" Angie asked, annoyed.
"It means," John said but stopped then Jenny, their waitress, walked up to the table.
"Hello, I'm Jenny, your waitress," she said with a smile. "Would you like to start off with a drink?" she added.
"I would like some ice tea, please," Angie said.
"I'll have a shot of whiskey, little lady," John said in a cowboy tone.
Jenny rolled her eyes as she often gets these yahoos that think they're cowboys.
Angie looked irritated. "We'll take some water first," Angie told Jenny.
The nodded she got their drink order and walked away.