CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
COMING TO, Caina couldn’t guess how long she had been out, but she woke up feeling uneasy. The reason came back quickly––Joshua. Everything about him made her depressed. What she had seen was beyond horrifying; his veins snaking out of his body, and that odd detached look on his face. She closed her eyes and shuddered.
The warm breeze coming in the room told her they were back at the med clinic on Apollux. She supposed if they’d made it to the clinic and they’d lost the Nostekoi ships. Somehow she expected Cristian to be there when she woke up, but that was unrealistic; he couldn’t be with her all the time.
“Hey.”
She opened her eyes and found him sitting down next to her. He had stubble on his chin and there were shadows under his dark blue eyes. “You look tired,” she said.
“So do you,” he answered, smiling. She’d been so worried about the psychological damage he’d suffered that she’d almost forgotten how handsome he was. Her heart skipped a beat.
“So you sat here with me instead of shaving?” she teased.
“It was a huge sacrifice.”
“Was I worth it?”
He leaned down and kissed her, a slow, leisurely kiss that made her cheeks flush. “Probably,” he answered.
She ran her fingers through his dark, nearly black hair. “You can do that whenever you want.”
He gave her a crooked smile, looking like his old self, before the Nostekoi had taken him. “That’s good, because it’s becoming my favorite thing.”
Caina’s hand went to her stomach where her wound had been sealed, an unconscious gesture. “It’s nice not to worry about anything for a few seconds.”
His expression went serious. “Sorry it can’t be longer.”
“Where’s Joshua?” she asked.
He didn’t say anything at first, but then he sighed. “He’s with the Alliance.”
“What happened to him? What did the Nostekoi do to him?”
“Technically, they didn’t do anything to him. They made him. He’s a synthetic human manufactured by the Nostekoi. He had no idea—he’s having a hard time understanding it. He keeps saying he c-coded himself, that he isn’t real.”
“What does that mean? He coded himself?”
Cristian shook his head. “I’m not sure, but I think it’s true. He created his persona…himself. The Joshua we know is a program.”
She thought back to the afternoon when she was only twelve and he’d turned her cell band over to read the ugly messages her classmates had sent her. That didn’t seem like something a program would do. “So he’s with the Alliance? Where?”
“He w-wouldn’t tell me where. He doesn’t want us to have anything to do with h-him right now. He saw your dad, though, and he cried like a baby. Just broke down, like, I don’t know. He seemed real enough then.”
She pulled her hand away from his and drew her knees up, ignoring the stabbing pain in her stomach. “But he’s not.”
Cristian climbed up on the bed, careful not to move her, his face intent. “He k-kept me alive while he was with the Nos. I just thought he’d become one of them. I was wrong. I don’t understand why he kept me alive. No bloodless machine would have c-cared. He had nothing to gain.”
She didn’t answer. What would it be like to find out you weren’t real? What did that mean, anyway? Where did his thoughts come from? He even dreamed, or at least he’d said he did. She never thought about the origin of all the random things that crossed her mind. Didn’t all that come from her mind, her personality? Were his thoughts like that? Was he a person?
“I’d like to see him.” She felt guilty for saying it. Cristian would stop time for her if he could, and if she wanted to find her brother, he would help her make it happen no matter how difficult it was.
“Okay. We’ll do it.”
She let out a breath, her hand going to her injury again. As much as she wanted to jump out of bed, she couldn’t. She lay back, moving slowly. Cristian moved off the bed, catching her back with his hand, supporting her. He stretched out on the bed next to her, leaning on his elbow with an amused look. She rolled her eyes in exasperation. “Tomorrow. We can find him tomorrow.”
He laughed softly and kissed her. “Right.”
Her dad walked in the room and Cristian hastily stood.
“Hello, Cristian. Thanks for watching over my daughter.”
“Of course,” Cristian answered, turning red. “I was just leaving,” he said. “I’ll be back later.”
“Hi, Dad,” she said, reaching for a hug when Cristian had left the room.
He gave her a delicate embrace. “You scared me, Bug. It’s a good thing Dylan was there.”
His low, gentle voice always put her at ease. He sat down on the chair next to the bed. His distinguished gray was becoming more prominent, especially in the last year, turning most of his hair silver now. At first, she was worried about how fragile he seemed after her mother’s death, but even though he had a small frame and didn’t seem very hearty, he’d continued on, defying her worst fears. There was a steely resolve at his core that she deeply admired.
“Dad,” she said, not wanting to wait another minute, “I know about Joshua—that he’s artificial intelligence.”
The look he gave her was both affectionate and chiding. “He’s a little more than that.”
Tears welled up in her eyes. “Then help me understand because I don’t know what to think.”
He looked down at his clasped hands. There was a scar on his wrist from his days of torture with the Nostekoi. He rubbed it absently as he spoke. “He’s suffering. He’s repulsed and terrified by what he is, and I believe his pain is genuine. He said he knows he is programmed to respond with anguish, and that to some part of him, all of it is a perfectly played deception, no matter what he thinks he feels. He is afraid of himself.”
Her thoughts collided like trapped butterflies, frantic and going nowhere. “If he knows he’s pretending why does he still do it?”
“If he stops pretending then he loses Joshua. He ceases to exist, and his personality gets swallowed in the rest of the program.”
“What would he do to us if he ceased to exist?”
He glanced up at her and shook his head. “He doesn’t know.”
Fear overwhelmed her. She couldn’t risk her father being betrayed to the Nostekoi because Joshua could no longer control the program that controlled him. For all they knew, he had already lost, and the Joshua who cried and said he was afraid was just the program manipulating all of them. A few moments ago she wanted to find him, but now she wasn’t so sure. “We have to stay away from him, right?”
Her father reached over and took her hand, his touch firm and his eyes holding her gaze. “Yes, maybe you should. But if I am his last hold on the Joshua we know, then I won’t abandon him. As long as he fights, I will. I will always be his father. I promised him that.”
Grief overwhelmed her. Joshua had been her protector. He had watched over her when they were younger, shielding her from cruelty, her only friend when she had none. She couldn’t bear having him ripped away. “How do I know if he’s pretending? I don’t know how to tell. I don’t want to lose him, but I can’t trust him.”
Her father didn’t answer, though he squeezed her hand. She realized there would be no answer she could count on. It was impossible to know for sure. She would either have to turn away to protect herself, or make the ridiculous leap of faith to believe in him. She wanted to let him go, but the child in her could not leave her protector. If there was even the smallest chance, she wanted him back.
She let go of him and played with the blanket, looking down at her hands. “We didn’t part on very good terms, I don’t think.”
“Then go see him.”
Surprised, she glanced up.
“Take Cristian with you and be careful. The Alliance has him under guard, but I think he could leave them whenever he chose. He’s much more powerful than we realize.”
She had expected her dad to have more answers, to make it all clear for her, but he didn’t seem to know much more than she did.
Leaning over and kissing her forehead, he smiled. “We’ll talk when you get back. The important thing to know is that I do believe Joshua is still in there.”
It was ten days before Dylan cleared her to even speak to her commander about seeing her brother. It took a few more days for the Alliance to agree to it, but at least it was an approval. They couldn’t tell her where she was going, though. His whereabouts were a tightly guarded secret.
They put her and Cristian on a small ship and sent them to an unknown destination. She sat next to Cristian, sometimes reaching for his hand between jumps. During the journey, they passed cloud shaped nebulas, birthing suns, and cold expanses of nothing. Through it all, she burned to know who Joshua was, although it was more than that, if she was being honest. She wanted to save him. If she could reaffirm that she believed in him, it might be what he needed. Her father said Joshua was powerful; maybe he was powerful enough to control the original design.
Their final destination was not a planet or a space station—it was another ship. She supposed it made sense to have Joshua in a location that constantly moved so no one could guess where he would be next. It was one of the largest ships she’d ever seen, housing a crew that numbered in the hundreds. The shape was nothing special, almost blocky, and there were no identifying marks on the outside. She guessed the anonymity was purposeful.
She stepped out of the airlock, Cristian close behind her. Four soldiers in dark blue Alliance uniforms stood guard at the entrance, staring straight ahead. She and Cristian were in civilian attire since they weren't considered on duty in an official capacity. They allowed Cristian to keep a plasma gun holstered on his belt, though he wore a long, dark coat over his clothes. Caina didn't want to wear a uniform either but she liked her sturdy, reassuring boots and sleek, black pants. She wore a flowing white top, her arms bare except for a gold bracelet at her wrist. She'd pulled her long hair up in a high pony-tail, away from her face.
A man in a general’s uniform stepped forward. He was an older man with an athletic build and bristling silver hair.
“Welcome aboard the Infinity. I’m Captain Freeman.” He had a precise accent, his politeness so polished it made her wonder what colony he’d come from, perhaps Milan, where they placed a high priority on education and the arts.
Caina saluted him. “Captain. Thank you for letting us come aboard.”
“Come this way. Our guest is waiting for you in our atrium.”
She resisted reaching for Cristian as they walked, but he must have sensed her unease because he briefly put a hand on her back, his way of telling her he was there.
“You should know that everything said is not confidential. It’s just part of our research process,” Captain Freeman said, his expression sympathetic.
The atrium was an open area that rose up several stories high, so brightly lit it felt like daylight. Trees of varying species towered over a garden with plasticrete walkways and a small pond in the center filled with lilypads and a small waterfall. It was a welcome respite from the sterile confines of all the ships they’d traveled in.
“You’re authorized for as much time as you like,” the Captain said.
She thanked him, sparing him a quick smile, already searching through all the greenery. She and Cristian walked down one of the pathways, Caina quickening her pace. They turned around a bend, and Joshua stood there waiting for them.
He wore simple clothes, looking lean in a loose white shirt, his hands in his pockets. His red eyes gazed back at her. She felt tears well up, all the longing she’d felt for her brother returning. Did he miss her? Had she only imagined that he would because she wanted to? If he said he did, was it because he was playing a superbly designed part?
Before she could collect any of her thoughts into a greeting, he was embracing her, his long arms around her. “Hey, Pest. Missed you.”
She grabbed him and started crying. She wanted him to be Joshua. She wanted him back. He held her for a long time until she released him.
He reached out to Cristian, who gave him a quick hug. “It’s g-good to see you, man.”
“You too.”
Joshua led them to the bench and sat down next to her. She waited for him to speak, her heart in her mouth.
“You’re probably afraid that what I say is designed to make you feel a certain way.” He stopped, and she couldn’t breathe, all her worst suspicions crashing down on her. “And you’d be right,” he said, as a rush of fear and anguish overwhelmed her. “I can see myself analyzing your every reaction and building a response to it that will generate the desired reaction. But all my perfect responses are not just because I can, they are because I want to. I know what you need to hear, and I want to do that. I’m calculating every move I make, and I’m not sorry. Does that make sense to you?”
“So you’re saying things you know I want to hear because it benefits you,” she answered, warily.
“I also know it’s good for you.”
“Okay,” she agreed, warily.
“I love our family. I promise you what I feel is real. I won’t go into the difference between what is artificial intelligence and what is ‘real’ because we’d be here all day, and in the end it wouldn’t serve either of us. It also gets kind of boring—I’ve done it for hours and days. You only need to know that I feel pain and loss and I feel them when I think you’ve decided I’m not your brother any more. I have no other identity other than the one you and mom and dad gave me. All the fake implanted memories the Nostekoi could possibly give me wouldn’t mean as much. They can tear me apart and rebuild me but I’m never letting you guys go.”
To her annoyance, instead of answering him, she started crying again. “I don’t know what to think. I just want you to be who you were, but I don’t trust you,” she said and stopped because she couldn’t talk through the crying.
“It’s okay.”
She tried again. “But I want our family. I’m afraid of you. I really am. I’m afraid that…” she had to stop because she couldn’t speak, fear choking her. “That you don’t care because you can’t.”
He shook his head at her. “I’m still in here, I swear.”
“But what if you just stop?” she asked, wondering if he would understand what she meant. She’d seen him act callously, dismiss the lives of others, and now it all made more sense, but that was not comforting.
“Stop caring about people? No, I won’t. If anyone should be afraid, it’s me. I’m going to live forever, you know. You are going to be the one to leave me.”
She realized he was right, but that didn’t comfort her. It made her sad. “Well, I don’t want you to be alone.”
He didn’t say anything, and she looked up. To her shock, his mouth was clamped shut and his eyes were wet. He struggled for control, and she watched, fascinated. One part of her wanted to cry with him, and the other part of her wondered if she was watching a performance. The duality of it all was overwhelming.
He finally said, “Belonging to you and Dad is something that comes with a price. I’ll be honest, I don’t always like it, especially when I know I don’t have to, that I could be in complete control all the time if I chose to be. But I want to feel everything the way you do. It’s the only way I can belong.”
She realized she was holding on to what she wanted, and she didn’t care what her brain told her. Maybe it wasn’t that different for him. “I understand.”
“And you aren’t afraid of me?” He looked at her, his face anxious.
“Maybe not afraid of you, just afraid that no matter how much we want to pretend that we’re just lying to ourselves, but…does it matter? If you can be…in our family, then you are, right?”
“I think so.”
“Then I promise I won’t go anywhere if you promise to be the Joshua I remembered.”
“I will be nothing but corroded artificial neurons and rusted wires before I give up, no matter what it takes.”
“I’m pretty sure you don’t have any rusted wires or whatever else you said. But I believe you. You’re going to have to prove a lot, you know.”
“I can handle that. I also think it’s fair to ask that you judge me by what I do if you can’t trust what I say.”
“That’s fair,” she conceded. There weren’t many other ways to test loyalty than that.
He held out his fist, and she bumped it with a small smile.
“It’s you and me, kid,” he said.
She could sense darkness around them, but for here and now, they could make their own oasis. Maybe they were just pretending, but maybe that’s all any connection was, pretending it would all work out, and then somehow it would if they trusted each other.
She played with her cell band, which had probably been disconnected the moment she got on board. “Now what? Are they still studying you or whatever?”
“They’re so afraid of me they can’t think straight.”
Remembering the captain’s warning, she repeated, “Everything in here is not confidential.”
Smirking, he pulled her off the bench. “Nothing about them is confidential. It’s too easy to predict what they’ll do. I’m here only because I want to be, and they know it. Fortunately, I’m very anti-Nostekoi, so I think we’ll work together just fine.”
Cristian stood, stretching. “I just w-want you to know Joshua, even though you didn’t b-bother to ask, that it doesn’t matter to me that you are a robot.”
Joshua turned to him, mockingly serious. “Thank you.”
For a strange moment, Caina remembered that even her brother’s humor was part of some code. Although, didn’t everyone have some sort of pattern for that? She shook her head. This could be complicated.
“Also, you g-gave me a concussion,” Cristian continued. “I already stutter. I d-don’t need a new issue.”
“Yes. I’m sorry about that,” Joshua said, sounding apologetic.
“I’m sure you’ll say you d-did it to save my life.”
“Well, I did. Sorry.”
She slipped her hand in Cristian’s as they walked. They ended up at a window that looked out to the red sun that was the center of the Athens solar system. She hadn’t asked, but she was sure the Infinity would be jumping right after they left since it would be the smart thing to do.
“What if Cristian and I wanted to come with you?” she asked.
A knowing smile crossed Joshua’s lips. “I thought you might say that. I already have permission to include you.”
So he’d known she would accept him—if he said the right things. Her smile faded and he added, “Yes, I calculate probabilities, and I knew you’d accept me because you wanted to. I’m sorry, Caina.”
“Even when you’re emotional it’s for a reason,” she said, her thoughts working as she spoke.
“You know what? You’re going to hurt yourself with all that thinking. Yes, I want you to come with me. I feel better watching over you because you’re always getting in trouble. And you can admire me while I destroy the Nostekoi, which I will.”
“You aren’t always going to know what I’m going to say,” she said, not really believing it. “I can be unpredictable.”
“No, you can’t. That’s the deal between us—I will always know how you will react. You won’t surprise me.”
“It’s super annoying.”
“I know that, too.”
“Oh, shut up.”
Cristian looked down at her, squeezing her hand. “He’s right where you want him. Well played.”
She smiled begrudgingly and leaned against Cristian. Somehow she would have to get used to being two steps behind Joshua. But what did she really want from him? She wanted him to care about her and her father, to be loyal and to be a part of their lives.
Her fingers tightened around Cristian’s as she looked sideways at Joshua. He caught her glance and held it, as if he knew her doubts, but he didn’t say anything.
***
Joshua looked back at the doubt in her eyes for a moment, and then turned to look out at the sun, withholding the reassurance he wanted to give her because he was afraid of how easily he influenced her.
Successful probability of deceit: 98%
Shut up. It’s not deceit for me.
Alpha program will continue running until exploratory phase is complete then the human persona will be terminated.
As soon as I figure out how to rip you out of my head, my “human persona” won’t have to worry about you anymore.
I am not the program scheduled for deletion. Probability of survival if we aid the Alliance is low. Aiding the Nostekoi is more likely to ensure survival.
It’s not only about survival.
It’s always about survival.
Joshua closed his eyes. The Alpha program was correct in identifying his main goal. He wanted to survive, but as Joshua, not as a program that oversaw everything he did. Somehow he had to survive and outlive Alpha, if only to protect the ones he loved. He thought about Nixa and her plea to find her son. She was a Cypher, like him. He wondered if she knew it and how she could have a son. He was pretty sure that wasn’t possible, that she’d adopted her son. It also meant he wasn’t the only one who had made familial bonds even though he wasn’t supposed to be able to.
Love is an artificial construct. Alpha had joined his thoughts, or more accurately, had made him aware that it was part of them.
Everything about me is artificial, why not my affection?
Alpha had no answer, and he smiled to himself. As long as he held no illusions about what he was, he knew he had a chance.