Chapter 36
I was late for Dad’s appointment and didn’t make it back to the room set aside for me next to Felice’s but the one set aside for Dad with the extra bed when he wanted to stay over. In the sitting room, a fussy little man was laying out suit jackets in various colors and styles while Dad made noises instead of comments.
“You’re late,” he complained. “This is Mr. Selliers.” I apologized, saying I’d been lost in a book. The little man with the improbable blonde hair, narrow shoulders and feminine hands studied me from behind retro 50’s glasses. He wore a wide lapel blue suit, purple shirt with white cuffs and a wild tie reminiscent of a Hawaiian Luau shirt. Silk socks and hand sewn Italian designer shoes. I eyed them. Classy.
“Definitely blue,” he announced, nodded and before I could voice a protest, I was bundled into a dozen jackets until both he and Dad decided on ‘the one’. Which turned out to be four. When he measured me for the pants, I was embarrassed as my tiny white sticks were exposed.
I hadn’t seen them, didn’t look at them at all if I could help it. They looked like they belonged to an anorexic eleven year old.
“Inseam is 38”,” he announced. “Waist 32”. Chest 42”.” He seemed surprised and squeezed my biceps and shoulders. “How tall are you, Mr. De Rosier?”
“I was 6’2”,” I answered briefly. “Now, I’m four one.” That was the height I hit in the chair.
Dad said firmly, “You’re still 6-2, Dantan. Your heart is ten feet tall.”
“Too bad I can’t stand on it,” I muttered.
“The blue one will be ready on Thursday. I’ll bring it over and do the final fitting. Shirts?”
“Extra tall, his arms are long like mine, Mr. Selliers. Ties for each suit and four extra shirts. Socks and shoes. Size 9D. Laced, I think. Black leather and brown cordovan. Please send a selection of cuff links,18 karat.”
“Excellent, Senator.”
I sat there wondering why I needed such an extensive wardrobe for, when I was perfectly happy with sweats. Jeans were too hard to pull up and zip, never mind button fly.
“By Thanksgiving,” he promised the rest. “The President told me to tell you he’s taken care of the bill, Senator,” the Gay little man smiled. “And a pleasure it was to meet you, Dantan, sir.” He shook my hand twice and departed with his stuff and staff.
“Dad, what’s going on?” I demanded but he only smiled and told me Felice was waiting in the dining room. He pushed me along where we met up with the President, Dusty and Felice. Vange was with me.
Dad sat next to me and Felice, the President on the one end and opposite the First Lady. She was a beautiful woman who stayed out of the limelight and kept busy with her charities, preferring to stay at the family ranch when she had the choice.
Felice had two older brothers and sister, lawyers who practiced in California, well out of the political arena. I’d never met them.
Chef Proust came out of the kitchen to say hello and the Staff served us a culinary delight. Fried frog legs as an appetizer with a spicy dill cucumber dip, turtle gumbo and rack of lamb, baby purple potatoes in butter and parsley. Champagne, wine and sparkling cider made the rounds. I didn’t touch the liquor, I was still on medication that didn’t mix.
Dessert was my favorite, a beautiful three story Black Forest Cake with real whipped cream and dark chocolate. I went back for seconds and no one complained. In fact, Chef Proust brought me a third piece in a cake box to take back to my room.
Conversation went on around me and over my head but I was used to that. Eating was serious business that I took seriously, no one garnered my attention when food was in front of me.
“You keep eating like this, Danny and you’re going to get fat,” Felice warned.
“I can’t say I have hollow legs,” I said sourly, pushing my plate away. In the sudden silence, Mrs. Rickover touched Felice’s hand and hushed her.
“I suppose I can’t work it off like I used to,” I agreed. “It’s not like I can get up and run, now is it?” It came out sullen and sarcastic, just like I meant it to. I pushed back from the table, spun the chair and excused myself.
“Dantan!” Dad’s voice was a whiplash but I ignored him as I flew towards my refuge from parental anger, Felice’s comment and her mother’s pity. I’d caught the strong surface thoughts she was suppressing whenever she looked at me.
‘Such a pity. A young man stuck in that chair forever. No prospects, even if the Senator is rich. No chance of grandkids there. Felice will get tired of taking care of him. Better sooner than later. Besides, she’ll meet someone in College that’s not crippled. Too bad, he’s really good looking and wealthy. I wonder what he’s like in bed? Could Felice-, no, he’s paralyzed from the waist down. I asked but she told me to mind my own business. She did ask for birth control. I don’t like that he slept in her room all those months.’
I shut her out, behind her kind facade she was a mass of bias and contradictions. She’d die if she knew Felice and I had an active and satisfying love life. Even did it in the Lincoln Bedroom right under his nose.
“Hey, Danny, watch out!” Mark Anderson warned doing a quick two step as I barreled around the corner. “Where are you headed?”
“Rose Garden,” I called over my shoulder.
“Don’t go out without a coat, Danny! It’s in the teens!”
“I don’t care,” I muttered and slipped through the doorway that opened into the most famous Gardens in the Americas. Except maybe Busch Gardens. The roses were all dead, cut back and mulched. D.C. was even being threatened by snow. I shivered but pushed the chair through the graveled paths to the gazebo and huddled into the corner where the JFK white rose stalk was hibernating. The brass plaque under the stems told me its name.
I knew if I stayed out there too long, Dad or the President would send someone to haul me in before I could hurt myself and the drugs they had me on prevented me from giving in to despair although some days it weighed heavy on me. Especially when I thought about living the rest of my life in fear. Most of the time, I could fake it enough to keep Dad off my back.
I caught a whisper of menace and bolted upright in my chair, sent out my mind trying to trace the thought back to its owner but there were literally thousands of people in and around the White House. Before I could zero in on it, the thoughts were gone. I tried to pick them up again but now, I was so cold, I could barely push the wheels and when I finally made it back to the French doors, it was to find them locked. My breath puffed out to reinforce how cold it was. I banged on the glass, there was no one in the room to hear me. I was too stubborn to call Dad or Felice so I headed out of the Gardens to the South Lawn knowing that the security cameras would pick me up.
Sure enough, when I reached the South entrance, Jake and Roy opened the door, dragged me inside and covered me with a heated blanket.
“Stubborn idiot,” he scolded. “Trying to give yourself frostbite? You know there’s a below wind chill out tonight? Where’s your coat?” He checked my fingers and especially my toes. Forced hot cocoa down me and personally delivered me to my room where the nurse was already prepping for my evening hygiene. I growled at Jake once I stopped shivering, slammed the bathroom door in their faces and locked it.
“Danny, I’m going to tell your father,” she threatened. “Your behavior is unacceptable.”
“Go away, bitch!” I yelled and in the sudden silence, felt bad but not enough to open the door to come out or apologize.
I put my head between my hands and cried. Soft, quiet sobs that no one but I heard. I blamed God, I told him I hated him, I begged for a miracle and failing that, I begged him to let me die or give me the means to do it myself. I saw myself through the eyes of people like Felice’s mom, worth much less than a man with two good legs. I wished that second bullet had torn through my heart, and that the doctors had let me die on that operating table, I wished that Daniel was still alive to take back this body and let me go.
Felice came and cajoled me. I told her to go bitch to her mother and leave me alone. In the end, they picked the lock on the bathroom door and forced me to bed, giving me a shot in the ass when I fought them, smacked at their grasping hands. We were screaming and I degenerated into crying. They were tears of anger, I had a target to focus on and it overrode the sadness. Dad asked the nurse to stay with me through the night and in the morning had a doctor brought in.