I held on to a red ballon as I walked along the meadows feeling relaxed and intrigued by my surroundings. The sun was shining and it was a gorgeous day. It was the Fringe Festival and the place was packed with all kinds of people; tourists from all over the world, artists, families and couples. There were also people selling things in temporary stalls like hot-dogs, sweets and drinks. A couple of children, about the same age as Erin, who were chasing each other, ran in front of me laughing as they ran off. It made me smile as I watched them catch each other, taking turns doing the chasing.
I was here on my own but I wasn’t sure why. My bladder was hinting for a trip to the ladies room. I wandered around trying to find a toilet which wasn’t easy. After a while I saw, to my delight, a sign pointing to the toilets but when I got there they were all exposed. There were no walls around them. I really needed to go. I was trying to figure out how I could do it without everyone seeing me while I was doing my business. No one else seemed to be using them. I asked a young woman who was casually smoking near by if she knew of any other toilets in the area but she just pointed to the exposed toilet area again whilst she blew out smoke that landed in my face and smelled like an ashtray. It made my eyes water as I quickly moved away from her.
I was getting desperate so I walked up to one of the toilets to see if maybe I could go there as long as no one was looking. I walked up to the one closest to me and noticed that it was filled to the brim with feces. It reeked and it made me gag. I walked to the next one and it wasn’t much better. Why were these disgusting toilets here and why were they exposed in such a way? I suddenly had an epiphany and realised that I could just go home. I lived nearby after all. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it earlier.
I was still grasping my balloon. For some reason it felt special to me. It was getting a little darker as I started walking home. I felt confused as I looked around. Where was home? I decided to ask someone for directions and walked up to an older man that was standing by a tree nearby. I put my hand on his shoulder to get his attention and as he turned around I got such a fright, I nearly fell back. His skin was pale and his eyes had turned black as night. He didn’t have black eye colour, it was more as if there was a dark smoky vail over them that he seemed unaware of. He didn’t answer me. I’m not even sure that he could see me.
“Come on Jack,” he said turning to his Golden retriever who was growling slightly but in no apparent direction, and off they went as if everything was normal. I felt a chill running through my body.
I turned and thankfully recognised where I was. There was a road up ahead and if I just followed that road to the left I knew that I could find my way home.
It seemed to take forever before I finally found the building where I lived. I ran up the stairs and noticed that our front door was open. It was very dark and eery. In fact, the whole building seemed to be empty. I walked through the front door feeling slightly anxious and noticed that things were different. None of Erin’s toys were in the living room. I looked to the walls and they were bare whereas normally I had lots of pictures of Peter, Erin and myself, such as our wedding photos from a couple of years ago and Erin’s birthday’s. I started to wonder if I had walked into the wrong building. I felt scared and noticed myself hugging the red balloon. I didn’t want to let go of it. As I looked at it I saw all the things that were missing in our flat.
The window was open and a storm was drawing near. A strong wind was blowing through the flat and it was trying to grab hold of my balloon. I desperately tried to hold on but it was as if I had no strength. I felt clumsy and weak. It got loose and floated away towards the window. I ran after it and tried to grab it, feeling an illogical attachment to it. I was so close to catching it. Just a few inches now.
I stretched out my hand as I hurtled towards the window, but all too fast. I missed the balloon and instead fell over the windowsill, falling to what would probably be my death since we lived fairly high up on the fourth floor. I screamed while I felt the air on my back and saw the balloon float higher up in the sky.
As I hit the ground I woke up startled, having no idea of what to make of my dream. What had it all meant? Clogged up and exposed toilets, men with darkness in their eyes and an empty house. I got up and walked to the bathroom. I did need to go now and thought that perhaps my reality was seeping into my dreams and trying to wake me up so that I could go to my actual clog-free toilet. I thought of the balloon. I was so happy now. Maybe there was a part of me that was afraid to loose it all? Perhaps the balloon represented my fear? It wasn’t something that I thought about a lot but I suppose that made some sense.
I got myself a glass of water before going back to bed and cuddling up to Peter, still feeling a little uneasy about the dream. Being in Peter’s arms always calmed me down. He made me feel safe. I was so utterly happy that this was my reality and not the horrors that occasionally visited me in my sleep.
I always knew dreams meant something but it could drive me crazy playing that guessing game in my head of what I was going through psychologically. In this case it probably was just a simple case of fear of loosing what I cherished the most. My husband and daughter. The two loves of my life.