Emergency meetings are rare at any university. But in the History Department at the University on Centrum Kath, it hadn’t happened in a very long time, 11.167 Kilorevs (~31 years) ago, during the Modus Emergency. Please try to do further transformations on your own. A rev is 25.71 of your Earth 5 hours, so think of it as one of your days, but with an extra 102.6 minutes to sleep.
The room was very long, and in it was a very long table. Around the table sat men and women in spiffy white robes with gold piping mostly. A few diverged from the majority fashion. Professor Wingut most of all with his color splashes robe, a gift from a friend. He sat roughly midway down the table, next to Professor Mostly, herself in a blood-red robe with ugly harsh leather fasteners.
At the end of the table sat Professor Sipolonius (Sip) Longley, the head of the History Department at the University on Centrum Kath, the greatest repository of knowledge and learning in the known universe. And they are so proud of this status that they include it in all of their marketing and branding. It is also required to be the last thing on all messages originating from the university.
Polls every 100 revs reassure the chancellor and administration of the university that they are also perceived by everyone in the universe as the greatest repository of knowledge and learning in the universe.
There is, however, a small contingent of renegade physicists at the university that are working to open portals to other universes, just to spite Chancellor Obfusmanian-Dropelagoos.
His beautiful daughter, Cloop, declined an invitation to attend the Physics Department’s annual Bowling and Billiards Night Out. Professor Mein ran the billiards table eight times that night before retiring his laser pointer and protractor.
Professor Sip Longley looked down the table at the men and women gathered. These were the most powerful men and women in the known universe. A few had a green leaf embroidered on their robe. They were the ones that maintained Calc Majoris, the largest probability calculator in the…you know the rest.
A little background might be useful here.
You can calculate the odds of a horse race easily with pen and paper. But what would it take to calculate the odds of every possible outcome in the universe. Consider it for just a moment. That is trillions upon trillions of calculations. And they all require data, evaluated, prioritized, given probability values, and these are values that can change with changes in the value of other data, the Ostrofsky effect. Get the picture yet? It is a combinatorial nightmare with trillions of f(x) functions. This would require computational powers that are incredible.
Actually not so much. Sure from an Earth Five perspective it might seem impossible. But after Tanmaya Electron Storage Tech Processing (TEST-P) was developed a lot of things that were previously unthinkable suddenly came to mind. At was revolutionary as it provided the ability to use electrons of any atoms in computational ways. There were enough atoms in a glass of water to exceed the entire computational capabilities of Earth Five in the 21st century.
But the important part is now how the technology works, no. Let’s consider the end results. Say for instance, your grandmother’s driving could possibly cause a wreck that kills a possible Nobel Prize-winning medical researcher. The Grand Probability Calculator (Calcus Majoris) at the History Department on Centrum Kath will tell us the likelihood of it and warn us in advance. Yes, in advance!
And there are so many possible outcomes. It is such a large set of results that we only catch the really important outcomes, or POCATFU events, as it is known in department lingo (Potential Of Catastrophic And Total Fuck Up). We also search for POWATFO too (Potention Of Wonderful And Totally Fabulous Outcome). Yes, they really are the most powerful men and women in the known…
Professor Longley cleared his throat. The polite side conversations stopped.
“It’s been one rev, and there is still no Professor Klept. Our field historians are on over four thousand planets as we speak. Still nothing.”
“And are we sure of the data?” asked Professor Ellen Lall.
Longley sighed slightly when he heard her voice. For the last 600 revs Professor Lall had argued that the probability calculator had significant logic flaws and should be turned off until corrected. She categorically voted against every mission raised to the Council. Longley smiled at the large woman with the orange robe with blue piping.
“Seventy-four point eighty-one percent is significant. Even if we consider your theories about errors, do we really want to risk it?” he replied. “The Physics Department indicates that the three black hole combination would be sufficient to move the entire galaxy.”
Quick note to you, the reader: Black holes have their own natural limit beyond which they don’t grow. However, they can combine with other black holes to exceed this limit. Professor Antino Klept’s experiment might cause the three largest black holes in Andromeda to combine, pushing it off course.
So what, you ask?
Well, Andromeda and our own Milky Way Galaxy are expected to collide in about four billion years. The POCATFU is that Professor Klept will reduce that from four billion years by a factor of 97.38176 percent. While this is not today, tomorrow, or even in your lifetime, or your children’s children’s lifetime, on a geological time scale it is the equivalent of next Tuesday.
“Are we sure that he has run?” asked Professor Delmus Fitzcaraldo.
Professor Fitzcaraldo is one of the new members of the Council, caused when Professors Smithers, Abaka, and Han all died on the same day. “Fitz,” as he is known, favors shutting down most agent operations. He is also friendly with professors from the Sociology Department and attends their social events. Longley doesn’t trust him for this reason.
“No. We can’t be sure. He could have been kidnapped. But his dog is also missing,” replied Longley.
There was a collective gasp in the room. “We need the probs on a runner taking their dog versus a kidnap,” said Professor Wingut.
“I’m on it,” said Professor Misers Plunk.
Plunk was Longley’s second-in-command in the History Department. Plunk suffers from historian bias. He thinks he is an excellent administrator, manager, and organizer. But he isn’t, and is generally rather hopeless in those three “adventures,” as he calls them.
Still, he doesn’t see his own incompetence. The result is missing reports, poorly planned meetings and minutes. However his meetings are without a doubt the best catered gatherings in all of the university.
Professor Plunk is larger than most. And when it comes to the probability calculator, Professor Plunk is mostly a man of genius.
He poked his fingers in the air at something only visible to him. It was the interface he took with him everywhere.
“92.7936 percent probability of him running if he took his dog,” answered Professor Plunk. He turned around in his chair and took from the rolling tray one of the very fine red square cakes with shaved coconut covering it. He put it in his mouth and made a most pleasant facial expression.
The History Department in the University on Centrum Kath is responsible for all of history. Past, present, and future. When they find significant POCATFU or POWATFO, they must intervene. Sometimes it is a simple intervention, like a helping hand to drive grandma to her appointment to get her eyes checked. Sometimes, you have to kill grandma.
You should expect her to object to this outcome and possibly resist. For this reason, being a field agent of the History Department in the University of Centrum Kath, the greatest repository of knowledge and learning in the universe, is also the most dangerous job in the universe. Excellent paycheck and benefits, though.
Apologies in advance, I should tell you about EBC (Expected Body Count). It is a major criteria for prioritization of possible outcomes to promote or prevent. It just makes me sad when I see the numbers. Maybe I’ll tell you later or you’ll figure it out on your own; the name pretty much says it all. I am still trying to get my stomach around explaining Splatter Grannies and Goo Grannies to you.
“Should we deploy agents on the bench?” asked Professor Wingut.
Longley frowned.
“Agents are on the bench for cause,” replied Longley. “Once they have cleared up their matters, they can become resources again.”
You know how most areas of study culminate with obtaining a Ph.D. and then good times follow? Teaching positions and published papers and faculty dining rooms. It’s different with historians at the University on Centrum Kath. They get their Ph.D. then become field historians, human cannon fodder. Sent out to change history.
But with enough successful missions and some luck at staying alive, agents get promoted after about five years to Educator.
From there it is all gravy train, the good life, feet up on the desk. Teaching history is one of the top five highest-paying careers. Add to that running the known universe and traveling the stars as a revered and well-compensated expert, and it becomes a lifestyle most can only dream of.
For this reason, agents, some of the most physically fit segments of the population, experience a metamorphosis when they become Educators. Not all do, but most gain a lot of weight.
“Couldn’t we declare an emergency or an amnesty or something to get them off the bench?” asked Professor Wingut.
“I can’t do that, it would violate University Policies on Expense Reimbursement, Conduct and Discipline, and our new Policy on practical jokes” replied Longley, making sure to emphasize the perpendicular pronoun.
“Circumstances don’t warrant?” asked Wingut, as if hinting to a student in his class the right answer on an exam.
“Circumstances don’t warrant,” replied Longley coldly. “No matter what the Sociology Department says,” he added with a tone of voice akin to a sneer. Longley liked consensus most of all. Dissent, not so much.
The Sociology Department is the enemy of the History Department and run by Professor Leo Trill. Those idiots want to take over some of the planets currently under control of the History Department. It’s all about budget with them. We have it and they want it.
Specifically, they want the planets in quarantine. The jack-booted thugs that are sociologists believe that they can best administer to planets that we have declared to be off limits to everyone.
Why are they off limits?
Because they haven’t met the contact criteria yet.
What are the contact criteria?
Better sit down for this one. Fix yourself a nice strong drink first.
The History Department, with assistance from the Departments of Anthropology and Philosophy, drafted the contact criteria a long time ago.
Not long after the Final War between the forces of Good and Evil, versus the rest of us.
5 trillion people died in the Final War. Yes, that’s trillion with a ‘T’. Entire planets were destroyed at the Battle of Least Mistakes. Fortunately we had the first proven Improbable, The First McGee. If it weren’t for her, we would all be slaves to G&E.
And it all started with Bliss. Planets couldn’t recover from the collapse of the Cult of Bliss, a particularly virulent strain of the disease that causes humans to believe they can achieve a higher level of consciousness by doing very dumb things. Think Whirling Dervishes with anti-gravity belts, punctuated with rhythmic head trauma.
More examples later. But for now just know that when the High Priest of Bliss, a man pledged to chastity, was found in the act of being most unchaste, their mining contracts were not renewed and the entire religion became financially insolvent. Apparently the lifestyle of a High Priest is very costly. But the effect of it was like someone shot an Archduke or something. In response they tried to remain financially viable by conquering new planets very quickly.
Big war, lots of death, eventual victory for us, followed by reflection.
The First McGee, in her address after the banishment of the G&E Survivors to The Void, suggested we had just been given the biggest argument for change in history and it would be very stupid for us to ignore it. She showed us the same cycle happening over and over again. Megalomaniacs, Empire, Death, Destruction, Repeat. Example after example she went through. Always the same pattern. Always the same result. And to think she came from your planet, Earth Five. Nobody in the entire universe would have bet on an Improbable coming from Earth Five. Nobody!
And to further the point, she suggested that in many instances things would have turned out much better if we had done the exact opposite of what we actually did.
Now she had intended this to be hyperbolic and said it mostly for dramatic effect. Yes, she has said this in latter interviews and writings. However, at the time, no one heard it as hyperbolic. Rather it was the words from the woman who lead us to victory over a group of people who were very bossy and thought they had all the answers. The woman who had saved us all from slavery had just given us the key to happiness. Maybe.
So instead of thoughtful reflection upon her words, we acted upon them with all the enthusiasm of Maoist students denouncing revisionist professors during the Cultural Revolution.
And she was right. In a lot of instances, doing the opposite is much better. But more about that later. Pick up that drink now.
As a result, here are the contact criteria agreed to and currently enforced:
No wars – this one is pretty obvious to everyone except soldiers. 5 Trillion dead bodies. It was not only a slaughter, it immediately became an enormous health hazard of diseases. And I think that deep down soldiers would agree to give up wars if they had a decent guaranteed income. The Final War proved that we must break the chain of fighting or we will perish.
No military – again, organizing to efficiently murder others, well we’ve had enough of that already thank you. We barely survived it. It just doesn’t work. And it periodically brings us to the brink of total destruction. There were seven instances during the Battle of Least Mistakes when actions could have resulted in the eventual death of all sentient life in the universe.
We are demilitarized now.
(Big Sip Now) No Mythology – this might be the most dangerous thing in history. It certainly holds the heavyweight title in every galaxy for carnage. The Final War against the Forces of Good and Evil was all about this. They insisted we adopt their mythology. We said no thank you. They got very offended about this and attacked. They wouldn’t even look at our evidence disproving their beliefs. But fortunately for us………………..they suck at science.
Please know that this does not include spirituality. You can be into oneness with the universe until your heart’s content. It’s the fantastical stories and the willingness to kill because of them. Those aren’t allowed. Besides they are a large part of the cause for the next prohibition.
No slavery—physical or economic or gender.
(yes, gender—you read that right, guys. Get over it. Every time we’re been the ones in charge, we’ve fucked it up.) And using fantastic stories and saying they are true in order to oppress women isn’t allowed either. Even if you have brainwashed them into thinking it is their place in life. Sorry, we’ll leave you alone until you come to your senses.
No Carnivores – think about it for a moment. How would you like to be some other species’ version of caviar? In fact there are several instanced where other larger, more advanced species have found humans to be a delicacy. You might have even read a true Earth Five story about it.
I bet that isn’t the list you would have made. Me either. I don’t care what you believe, as long as you keep it to yourself and everyone can buy beer on Sundays.
But a lot of thought was put into the list and let’s be frank for a moment. Letting a barbaric group of humans loose on the galaxy with technology and visions of conquest in their eyes along with genocidal teachings from imaginary friends will just get a lot of people killed, again. That’s what the Final War was all about. We’ve had to change the model to survive.
Fortunately for us, often, before the barbarians even get off their own planet, the problem resolves itself and the planet in question self-destructs. The Tech Emp gets them.
What’s that? Let me explain it simply like this:
Imagine a graph.
The left vertical axis is propensity to violence, the horizontal axis is time. But there is also a right vertical axis too. It is for the number of kills per use of a weapon. Consider it weapons effectiveness.
There is a line that curves down to the right, indicating that as our civilization progresses, we become less prone to violent responses over time. We understand more things and can be more compassionate instead of fearful. Let’s call it empathy.
There is also a curve that starts near the intersection of both axis on the left and goes upwards as it goes to the right. Body Count per use of a weapon. More basically, it represents weapons technology. As time progresses we can kill more people every time we blow the shit out of things.
The point at which the two curves intersect is a very reasonable indicator as to whether your planet will make it to the finish line and you will join the rest of us in the Federation. Or will you burn yourselves to pieces in wars over shit that really doesn’t matter and often is very simply false, untrue, and fabricated.
Apologies for an unpleasant truth.
(Oh, you’re still there. Sorry, reckon we lost some readers with the contact criteria. That’s OK. No hard feelings. Let’s keep going, shall we?)
“We will have the report of the subcommittee in the next one hundred toxs,” said Longley.
“But everyone in the subcommittee is in this room. If it’s ready, let’s hear it now,” said Wingut to the nodding head agreement of Fitz.
“No. They need more time. It was agreed to be ready then, and it shall be delivered on time. Rushed work is foolish work,” replied Longley with all the righteousness of historical catechism.
Historians have certain phrases that they all use. One of the foremost is: I will require more time to answer your question. Yeah, it doesn’t sound like any big deal, but it is. They say this because historians are required by professional code and laws to always tell the truth.
Seriously, I’m not kidding.
Not only must they tell the truth, but their answer must be sufficient and understood by the receiver, as exhibited by testing their understanding of the explanation. And in no way can the historian’s answer manipulate or distort information. No exceptions, ever.
Now you know why it pays so well. Guaranteed honesty is very valuable in a universe of liars. There is a very long story on how this came into existence. It involves the last emperor and a propaganda model not too dissimilar to one explained by one of your Earth Five intellectuals. The universe desperately needed an unbiased source of truth. Read history books from different neighboring countries on your planet and you will understand what I am talking about. Try England and France if you want an easy one.
And telling the truth all the time isn’t as great as you might think. It totally screws up relationships. Only 42.8 percent of all marriages between historians and non-historians (nons) last over three years. Simple questions like “How do I look?” can result in answers that become very problematic and often traumatic when there is a historian involved.
Yes, historians come with a license and recertification every 300 revs. They are tested in a truth room, a room containing so many measurements of the occupants that it would be more than impossible to lie, if there were such a thing. And the first question is always the same:
Have you lied since your last certification?
The truth is held in such high regard by historians that they would rather take a longer time and get it right than rush it and make a mistake, and lose their license and the chance to eventually make it to the room with the red square cakes covered in shaved coconut. A historian won’t rush an answer. Any attempt to mislead will result in criminal charges against them.
An old joke may help you understand the result of all of this.
What are the two words you always hear after “I will require more time to prepare my answer”? “Fucking historian!” Now, the nons laugh at this joke because it makes fun of historians and their silly ways. But the historians love the joke because it shows their process was a success, the historian advised that more time would be needed.
Another one: What are the two words you always hear right after the phrase “I’m sorry, the answer to your question requires information that I am not willing to divulge, and I apologize for being unable to give you an answer”?
Yep, you guessed it, same punch line as before.
Rules can warp people. Historians are no exception. So when Longley insisted on waiting to the exact time agreed to previously, most humans would call him a jerk, a dick, maybe even an idiot. But you know what he really is, don’t you?
Same punch line as before.
So the meeting adjourned for a while until at the appointed time the Council of Historians, as the august group was known, reconvened. And Wingut watched as the subcommittee handed out the presentation materials that had been neatly stacked on a credenza before they had adjourned. The subcommittee presented little new facts. It did however catalog the failures, so it had some value. And the presentation material used the new Ununarial font, considered to be the most elegant and the fashion in better universities.
Damn Professor Leo Trill and damn his Sociology Department.
Damn Professor Antino Klept and damn his dog.