Damn phone!
I know that people say that I complain too much, but you gotta agree that three things should’ve never survived the Apocalypse: politicians, rap music and the damn phone company. Okay, okay, I know the fault is not theirs alone. After all I’m the one who didn’t have the money to buy a decent phone, instead of this secondhand crap that probably belonged to Thomas Edison himself.
I’m such a loser. A whole night spent on a case and now I can’t even have a good day of sleep. What? Oh yeah, I forgot that some of you have just joined in. I’m a vampire, so I work nights and sleep days, okay? Can I continue the story now? Thanks. Where was I...? Yes, complaining about my last case, if you can call that a case. I mean, hunting down a shipment of inflating dolls for a pervert werewolf with problems of self- esteem ain’t exactly gonna make me private eye of the year, but since my rent is three months overdue I can’t afford to be picky. Besides, it’ll allow me to stall my landlord for another month... I’m glad trolls are as greedy as they are stupid. What? Okay, I know that not all trolls are stupid, but this one is. Besides, what’s the problem? Are you a troll by any chance? No?! So shut up and get off my feet!
So where was I? Oh yes, the damn phone. I have enough problems without that crap buzzing in my head all day long. In a few minutes it will be night and I’ll have to leave my cozy warm coffin to get to work in an unheated office that’s as cold as a crypt. What now? Don’t vampires live in crypts? No, you moronic... moron. That’s in the movies. And by the way, didn’t I tell you to SHUT UP?!
Where was I again? Oh yes, the phone. I mean, it’s not the first time my bimbo secretary goes to sleep and forgets to turn the answering machine on, you know? Not to mention that it’s supposed to be her job, but no. And since her pay is longer overdue than the rent, every time I complain about something she throws that on my face. Besides, although her coffin is closer to the phone than mine she doesn’t mind the ringing at all, ‘cause when she’s sleeping she’s like dead. Okay, I know she is in fact dead. I’m the one who turned her into a vampire. It’s not like she was having a “brilliant career” as high priestess of the temple of Krelaan, when by the way, she tried to cut my head off. So from my point of view she shouldn’t complain about anything. But since she’s a broad, she’ll off course complain about EVERYTHING. What? You don’t know what I’m talking about? Okay, go the files and look for “Bats of a Fur”. If it ain’t there, try the Internet. If you can’t find it there either, than you can go FUCK YOURSELF! Damn... What a pain in the butt.
Well, back to the tramp... I mean, my devoted secretary. I rise from my coffin and kick hers real hard, but the bitch doesn’t move. I could even believe that she didn’t feel the bump, but I’m sure as hell she heard my screams of pain for my broken foot. Fortunately, we vampires heal fast. Anyway, I have no choice but to answer the damn phone. Blasted afterlife.
However, believe it or not, my life is about to get a little better. On the other side of the line, a very sexy female voice, presents me with the first really interesting case in months. When I say interesting I mean ADVANCED PAYMENT. I write her address down on the scrawled notebook I have on the table, which was once an agenda: “Morovia Street, 666. Shrieking Mountains... I got it.”
Wow! Shrieking Mountains... Rich folk neighborhood. Home of the famous, the fancy and the LOADED. I gotta admit, my eyes are sparkling brighter than my landlord’s. So I’m greedy too, so what?
At that marvelous split-second, when I’m just imagining what I’m gonna do with all the cash I’m gonna get, Eve, that’s my worthless secretary’s name, jumps from her grave, screaming like a bat, or should I say, like a bitch outta hell: “Morovia Street, 666! Morovia Street, 666!” if she went any higher, she would have gone through the ceiling. Alive or dead, women are all the same. They only listen when they want to. Go figure.
One thing you should know about Eve. During her hard working hours, when she’s not on the phone with one of her equally useless girlfriends, she’s reading one of those ridiculous gossip magazines on celebrities. I know what you’re thinking. Why don’t I fire her ass, right? To put simply: she’s hot. What can I do? ...I’m a pig.
Eve picks one of her magazines out of her coffin and opens it on an article about the most popular movie star in the world, Boris Montenegro, an invisible man. Famous for being able to express more feelings with his perfect inflexions than any other actor alive, or not. There ain’t no woman, from thirteen to three hundred, who doesn’t have a poster of his hanging on their wall. I don’t get what they see in that guy? Ha, ha, ha! “What they SEE”, get it? Sometimes I crack myself up...
Since I know it’s inevitable, I invite her to come with me. Besides, that will keep her from complaining about her pay at least for a week, and that alone is worth the flight. One hour later, she finally is ready. I gotta admit, that woman knows how to dress… a sexy long black dress… Did I mention she’s hot? Anyway, after I get my coat and hat we fly through the window into the cold night. We are vampires, remember. I’m glad it’s not raining. The last time I flew in a rain, my radar got so messed up that I hit a wall forty miles an hour.
About fifty minutes later, we finally arrive at our destination. It’s bizarre. I’m not talking about the pre-apocalyptic-hellish- gothic manor with its huge, sinister dark walls that stood behind the black spiked gate. I see that all the time. Bizarre is the fact that this is the first time I see Eve in silence. Spooky. Anyway, one of the gargoyles finally rises from the parapet and comes to the gate. The big, and I mean BIG, stone demon lands behind it. “Whom must I announce?”
Okay, I know it would be impolite to laugh in his face, but to see a big fellow like this talking in that pompous sissy British accent. Come on. Before I start laughing, I notice Eve glaring at me. Let me tell you, that woman can be scary at times. So in order to keep her calm I decide to play along.
“I’m Hayes, Jack Hayes. Private investigator.” Eve discretely hits me in the liver. “And escort.”
The gargoyle stands still for a second, no doubt telepathically telling his boss who’s at the gate. A few seconds later, a reg butler appears. What’s a reg? It’s a regular human. Stop asking questions all the time, okay? Don’t you know anything? So this butler takes us by long dark corridors to a large hall, illuminated only by a fireplace of grotesque proportions, almost the size of the whole wall.
The place is practically empty in its ghostly twilight. There are only six red chairs with very tall backs forming a circle around a small table where small silver plates with sophisticated appetizers and bottles of brandy stand. Two reg babes, a brunette and a blonde, wearing kinky diminutive maid uniforms, are servicing, probably no just the food. Let me tell you, these girls are red hot. I’m glad I’m wearing my overcoat so Eve cannot see the obvious effect on my manly parts, if you know what I mean.
I notice that five chairs are occupied. There are three guys, a bogeyman, a vampire and a mummy. I hate mummies. Anyway, the three are apparently wearing only black silk robes, except for the mummy of course. There are also two half-naked girls, dressed like pros. You know, corsets, pantyhose... the works. Only they aren’t pros. I recognize one of them from one of Eve’s magazines... Ivana, renowned sorceress and publicist of the most influent stars. The other is a she- creature. You know, as in “The Creature of the Black Lagoon” creature, only female. Actually, she is the one who stands to greet me.
“Welcome, Mr. Hayes. It’s a pleasure to have you here,” she says. I tell her voice as the one who called me at the office. I’m real disappointed, you know. I mean, I know many guys are into flippers and scales but I’m not one of them. Well, I knew there was something “fishy” about his whole thing. Get it? “Fishy”. Man, you have no sense of humor.
“I came as fast as I could. So what can I do for you?” I say.
“Straight to the point. I like that, Mister Hayes,” the vampire interrupts, holding a glass of brandy. “Vlad was right about you.”
“Vlad?”
“Vlad Korlanov,” the vampire smiles. It’s hard to hear what he says due to the fangs. That’s why most vampires, including your truly, prefer to keep human form most of the time. That isn’t the case with this pompous jerk. “That’s right, Mister Hayes... the one who sired is also my Master. He always said: “If you ever need a detective, Jack Hayes is your man.””
There’s something about this guy that is making my skin crawl. “Thank Vlad for the recommendation when you see him”.
“I will,” the pompous bastard replies, slowly relishing his brandy as if it was blood. Mine.
“By the way, you didn’t tell me your name...” I probe.
“I am Kevin Nolan. Boris Montenegro’s attorney.”
Makes sense. What better profession for an affected bloodsucker than lawyer? It’s guys like these that give vamps a rep. “And where’s good ol’ Boris? Since this is his house, it would be nice if he ‘showed up’ right?” That’s what I call keen humor, am I right? I just don’t understand why Eve has that psycho look in her eyes. It’s probably something she ate...
“Show him,” the mummy breaths, with that characteristic foul breath.
Ivana, the witch, comes towards me. Now that’s what I call a real babe. She brings a sinister glowing globe. “This is an Enolirian sphere,” the hot cookie says. “It allows us to see which hides in the shadows, beyond the reach of the eye.”
She gives me the sphere and asks me to see through it. I run my eyes over the room now lit in a strange glow. That’s when I notice a corpse sitting on the chair I assumed to be empty. It’s an ugly fella in his mid fifties, all bones, and bald as a bowling ball. “Boris Montenegro, I presume.” So this sorry excuse for a man is the wild dream of every broad on the face of the planet? Talk about irony.
“What happened?” my panicked secretary asks, already suspecting what’s coming.
“Well, let’s just say that there’ll be plenty of Boris Montenegro reruns in the next months.”
Eve starts to cry. I could never understand this fan business. There she is, a woman who used to be a high priestess, shed in tears over a guy she never met. Go figure. “So why didn’t you people call the cops?”
The guest then look at each other, visibly bothered by my question. The mummy clears his throat, nervous as if his ass was on fire.
“You should understand, Mr. Hayes that a scandal is in nobody’s interest, you see, we have our reputations to maintain,” the lawyer explains. “Somebody in this room murdered Boris. If you find who it was, we’ll deliver him, or her, to the authorities in a more... discretely fashion.”
I, of course, got the picture, after all, they are not exactly dressed for Sunday church. “Was he killed during the orgy?”
“Yes,” the witch answers, showing no sign of embarrassment. What a surprise.
I decide to take the case. First thing I do is telling the servants to leave. I don’t bother asking if they were present during the orgy. It doesn’t matter. It wouldn’t be possible for a reg to kill an invisible man. No offense but it takes someone with special skills to do it. And even if they saw who it was they would never tell, either because they’d be afraid or under some spell.
As I continue to look through the sphere I find residue of still fresh invisible blood spread over the floor, and now on my shoes. Dammit. There’s a clear trail leading to the fireplace. It’s obvious who killed Montenegro, I just can’t figure out why. Now that Eve finally got as grip of herself, I ask her to entertain the guests as I interrogate each one of them separately in the adjacent room.
The first was Ivana, the bitch witch. “I presume this magical gadget is yours, right?” I ask her referring to the Enolirian sphere.
She nods.
“So why did you bring it here?”
“I always bring it to our... parties,” she replies in a very kinky way. “You see, I like to watch.”
“Right...” Man, this woman IS hot. “So were you by any chance ‘watching’ when Montenegro died?”
“No, at that time my hands were tied. Literally.”
Oh, mama...
“I left the sphere on the table,” she says.
“I see. When did you notice that Montenegro was dead?”
“It was when Jenny cried. She was with him at that time.”
“So he was with one of the servants.”
“No. I told you he was with Jenny, the she-creature.”
Jenny?! Come on. Who ever heard of a she-creature named Jenny? “Right. So he was with ‘Jenny’.
“U-Huh. She cried out that there was something wrong with Boris. I ran to get the sphere to see what was happening, but I just found him already dead on the chair.”
Just about what I expected to hear. So I ask her to send Nolan in. He adds very little to Ivana’s version. He and Tut, were ‘entertaining’ the witch when they heard the she-creat-- I mean, Jenny screaming. He swears he didn’t see anything. What a shocker. Then I call for Tut.
I need to contain myself. Those gooey rotten bandages... Yuck! Can’t these guys change it once in a while? Anyway, he starts telling, or should I say gnarling his version of the story in that peculiar, monotonic, slow, boring to death voice. It wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for that ghoulish breath.
“I... was... lying... on... my... back...Jenny... was... right... in... my... field... of...vision... She... was... on... top... of... Boris...when... she... fell... to... the side... screaming...”
“I get it. Then Ivana went for the sphere and you all realized that buddy Boris went to the other side, right?”
“Yes... We... saw... the... wound...and... knew... that... that... was... something...bad... We... just... can’t... understand... how... it... happened...”
“Okay. And what was your relationship with Boris? Besides the obvious, I mean.”
“I... was... his... accountant...”
“Right.”
After that thrilling conversation it’s bogeyman’s time. Another dead-end. He was Montenegro’s bodyguard. According to him, he was “a little” drunk at the time so he didn’t join the fun, sitting on a chair watching bits and pieces as he flashed in and out. He seems genuinely troubled by his boss’s death. If it’s something personal or professional, I can’t say, after all, he was responsible for the man’s life. Not much of a future in the body guarding business now.
At last, it’s time to hear what our fish- lady has to say. I have to wait a few minutes until she finishes a private call on her cell.
“I was Mr. Montenegro’s secretary,” she says staring at me with those big watery yellow eyes.
“For how long?”
“Eight years.”
“Did you love him?” You know, if there is one good thing about this business is when you get people startled with hard questions, and boy, she was as startled as she could get.
“Who? Boris?”
Her eyes give me the answer before she opens her mouth. She lies though. “He was my boss. Our relationship was strictly physical.”
“I see. Thanks.”
“Won’t you ask me how he died?” she asks, puzzled.
“Do you know how he died?”
“I was on top of him when it happened.”
“Yes, but do you know HOW he died?”
“No, but...”
“Why am I not surprised? Okay, thank you for your help.” It’s clear she isn’t gonna say anything useful. “You can go”.
So the fish-lady joins her buddies, confused and startled.
Everybody knows the size of an ordinary fire poker, right? Right. Well, lemme tell you, nothing in this place is ordinary. The huge fireplace, and I mean HUGE, has fire pokers the size of spears. I grab one and walk toward the center of the room. All eyes on me. For a change, even Eve seems curious about what I’m gonna say.
“This is the crime weapon,” I say to everybody’s surprise. “There’s a thin trail of blood from the victim to this poker. Also, the wound on his chest coincides with a large sharp object.”
“Do you have a suspect?” Eve asks me. That’s my cue to show them my game. “I know damn well who did it.”
“So, for cryin’ out loud, who’s it?”
“Why, all of them. Together.” You know, just those moments when Eve is speechless are well worth taking this case. “They’re all accomplices of Montenegro’s murder.”
None of them are surprised with my statement, which really bothers me. It’s clear there was something bigger than just a murder going on and I sure intend to find out what it was.
The lawyer applauds me, in a very dramatic, or should I say macabre way. “Congratulations, Mr. Hayes. Master Vlad was correct about you. You truly possess a keen mind for detective affairs.”
“Thanks, I guess...” I replied, suspicious.
“But he was equally right when he added that you are also a complete idiot concerning everything else.”
I also have a keen fist for clobbering smart-ass vampires like him, but I want to hear what he has to say before I total him.
“Haven’t you realized yet our purpose of bringing you here?” the vampire smiles.
Eve turns to me. The last time I saw her that scared was when I sank my teeth on her neck and turned her into a vampire. “What is he doing?” she asks, turning away from my dumbfounded face to the lawyer’s confident grin, a grin shared with the rest of the gang, with the sole exception of the bogeyman, whose mind appears to be far away from all that.
“So if you killed him, why calling us here? Why didn’t you get rid of the body?” my not so bright secretary asks the murderous lawyer.
“The reason is obvious”, I step in. “They need a patsy”. You know, for a guy who has lived as long as I have, I should’ve learned by now when I’m about to get screwed. “The real question though is why ME?”
“Before I tell you that, Mr. Hayes, let me explain it to your beautiful secretary”, the lawyer says as he comes near Eve, seductively.
Women are amazing. The guy wants to kill us both, and still Eve turns all mellow with that compliment. “You see, my dear, Boris was too famous, and fame often inspires jealousy, specially in the help. His employees hated him so much that it was easy for me to get a hold of them.”
“Which means no witnesses, right?”
“Very well, Mr. Hayes.”
“And his employees weren’t the only ones who hated him. You guys hated him more,” I continue.
“Boris was despicable, manipulative, repulsive, low,” the witch adds, then exchanges a glance with the mummy.
“He... said... he... would... throw... me... in... jail... when... he... found... out... I... was... embezzling... money... from... one... of... his... accounts,” the angry pile of bandages whispers. “The... nerve! Arrest... me... After... ten... years... of... hard... work... without... one... single... raise!”
If my ass wasn’t on the line, I’d actually find that funny. “Listen, folks, I understand you all had your reasons. Specially Jenny here.” The fish-girl looks at me with deep sorrow in her eyes. “The loyal secretary, standing by her master’s side year after year, doing everything he told her to, which included participating in his orgies. Taking all that crap for love, while to him she was nothing more than a puppet that he used and abused as he pleased. His own private whore.”
Jenny collapses in tears, leaning on the witch, who gives me an evil eye. “You monster.”
“In case you haven’t noticed we all are, sister,” I reply. “Besides, look who’s talking. You killed the guy and now you’re trying to set us up, so I guess I’m not the worst kinda monster in the house, right?”
“You are correct, Mr. Hayes,” the lawyer says. “Too bad you decided to bring your secretary along. As your accomplice, she’ll be joining you in your death sentence.”
Eve turns to me and to tell you the truth I can’t say if it’s regret or anger I see in her eyes. Probably both, I guess. Anyways, my face is the same, no matter how cool I try to act.
“But that won’t interfere with our original plan,” the fancy schmuck babbles.
“Finding a patsy, or two in this case, that would quench Boris’ fans thirst for justice, while giving my ‘acquaintances’ in the police department a plausible excuse to arrive to a ‘satisfactory’ conclusion.”
Police sirens are heard outside.
“Speak of the devil...” he says with a wicked grin on his face.
“So that’s who Jenny was calling when we arrived, right?”
“Again, Mr. Hayes, I’m impressed. You’re not as dumb as I thought”.
“Gee, thanks...”
The fancy bastard laughs out devilishly as a cruiser makes way through the manor’s gardens for two S.W.A.T. trucks. From them come out two-dozen demon cops wearing full body armor and baring flame- throwing tridents. Not a pretty sight, I have to say. From the cruiser comes out a Demon Lord handling a fire whip. I know that fella... The name’s Pazuzu, he’s one of the most ancient Babylon demons. He is as powerful as he’s ugly. Not to mention one of the wildest hell captains during the Apocalypse, which earned him the Chief of Police title. As any respectful demon, Pazuzu is corrupt to the bone. His job there is clear. To cover up Montenegro’s murder by helping frame some innocent idiot, in this case, yours truly.
“In... a... few... moments... the... cops... will... be... here,” the mummy drags. “I... made... a... deposit... in... Boris’... name... in... your... bank... account... detective.”
“And I shall testify that you have been blackmailing Boris, threatening to go public with pictures showing him in the company of ladies of the night, not of the vampiric variety,” the lawyer smiles, sardonic. “I’ll also state that Boris decided to no longer pay you, reason for which you eventually murdered him.”
“Whereas I have conjured up a spell that erased any evidence of our involvement in the crime scene,” the witch says. “The only thing missing are your fingerprints on the murder weapon, so if you don’t mind...” she says handling me the fire poker.
For a moment, I actually think I might escape, but the bogeyman surprises me. He snaps out of his numbness state and moves towards me like a lightning, holding my arms behind my back. A bolt of green light emanates from the witch’s hands, forming a magic ring around Eve, snaring and lifting her a foot above the ground. At that very instant, the manor’s huge doors are thorn apart by the cops who quickly advance to the hall.
The murderers think they screwed me. Maybe they did, but I don’t intend to stay that way. You see, bogeymen aren’t quite agile. At least, not too much. I, on the other hand, am quite fast. Especially when my ass is on the line. Although the witch’s magic trapped Eve in her human form, the same can’t be said about me. So I go bat. My tiny wings easily evade the bogeyman’s fingers.
“Get him!” the lawyer yells as I fly towards the fireplace.
It all happens really fast, so none of them has the time to stop me. I land on the right side of the fireplace and change back to my human form. At that moment, two S.W.A.T. teams enter the place, Pazuzu making his way amidst them. His voice, a torment of terror and fear, sounds like an underworld thunder shaking down the walls. “JACK HAYES! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR THE MURDER OF BORIS MONTENEGRO!”
“You were quite clever,” I say to the treacherous troupe. “You only forgot one tiny little thing.” I grab the mystical object in my pocket. “You left the Enolirian sphere with me”. I throw the sphere into the fireplace and crouch by the wall looking for cover.
“No!” the witch cries out, in despair.
The impact shatters the thin crystal while the heat from the flames releases its mystical energy in a powerful burst, a beam of pure supernatural energy. The power is so overwhelming that vaporizes everything on its path. The furniture, the crime weapon, Montenegro’s body, along with everyone standing in the hall. The only one who remained was Eve, lying on the floor, screaming her lungs out, who has been protected by the energy ring, which collapses shortly after. ...It would have been a nice scene if a hysterical Eve weren’t making me wish I was deaf.
Anyways, I go to her, helping her getting up with one hand while shutting her mouth close with the other. “Listen, we better get outta here before more cops arrive and find something to charge us with.”
“What about the murder?” she asks me as she is still clearly overwhelmed.
“What murder?” I imply with my usual cynicism. “They’re all gone. Too bad. If this were a real case, I’d make a lot of money out of it.”
“What do you mean? Are you forgetting about the fifty grand they deposited in your account?”
“Yeah, I forgot about that.” My smile is bigger than the late Pazuzu’s. “You know? All and all, this wasn’t bad night. Now I’ll finally be able to pay up the rent.”
“Not to mention my salary, right?”
“Sure...”
She knows me better than that.
“Don’t get smart on me, mister.
Remember what happened to Montenegro. Being a bad boss might be hazardous to your health.”
“Why are you saying this, I’m a great boss.”
“Yeah, right. By the way, how did you know that that energy ring would protect me?”
“Ah, actually... I didn’t.” I turn into a bat and get the hell out of there as fast as I can.
“You...!”
Eve is really mad when she turns and follows me. But I know it’ll be all right, after all it’s a long flight back home and by the time we get there I’ll think of something to cool her down. And with fifty grand in the bank that shouldn’t be too hard.
Yep. Not a bad night at all.