This job sucks!
Sure I’ve always known that but, sometimes, I think I’ll quit. But, I never do. The truth is there’s nothing else I can do, so here I stay, late at night, busting my ass in a decrepit old bar, with a glass in my hand, watching a dame who may or may not be cheating on her husband.
Here between us, for her own sake I hope she isn’t, ‘cause if she is, boy, what he’ll do to her won’t be nice... at all! Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I care or anything, I just don’t get it. How some people can be so stupid? I mean, she’s married to that MUMMY, for crying out loud. She knows what he does for a living... Ha, ha, ha, ‘for a living’, that was a good one. Anyways, she should’ve known better...
Then again I guess we never do, do we? If so I’d have done something better for myself instead of ending up like a PRIVATE DICK. But you have figured that out already by my hat and trench coat, right?
Maybe I should’ve listened to my folks when they said: “Son, you won’t go far without any education.” But to tell the truth, I don’t think that would’ve changed anything. You see, I believe we do the things we do ‘cause that’s what we are meant to do. It’s our nature.
Take the world, for instance... How long ago was it? A couple of centuries ago, I guess... The “End of the World” finally came... People were so happy when it didn’t happen on 2000 that they thought it never would. But it did... only many years later. It was hell... literally.
Lots of people killed themselves when the first wave of demons came out from the earth, I mean, it WAS freaky, after all, science had brainwashed mankind for ages, trying to convince everybody those sorts of creatures were the stuff of legends and such... only they weren’t. So literally overnight, all of man’s dreadful dark ‘legends’ once again walked the earth. Demons, werewolves, zombies, mutants... the whole bunch. And after they spread to all corners of the land and took control of everything, they did what no one could ever suppose they would... they kept things JUST AS THEY WERE. I mean, basically.
You see, most of those who were not killed were changed into dark creatures themselves, and since they were already used to the world the way it was, why change it, right?
I know what you’re thinking. “Come on, they became MONSTERS, for crying out loud!” but you see, it ain’t so bad. At least not for me, after all I never woke up before dusk anyway... oh, did I mention I’m a VAMPIRE?
Well, I am one. And do you know what I found out after I became one? I realized that monsters and regs (or regular people if you prefer the politically correct term) want just about the same shit in life: Sex, money and power, not necessarily in that order. What can explain it? ...Nature.
The same nature that makes a beautiful reg girl cheat on a mummy that has killed thousands of people for a lot less than that. Which brings me back to my assignment...
True that if you’re having an affair you need to be discreet, but to meet in a hellhole like this is a bit too much. Couldn’t they go to cheap motel, for crying out loud? And what’s with the delay? We’ve been here for almost three hours now...
Wait a minute?! The waitress... is giving her a note. It must be one hell of a note to be worth a $10 tip. She’s moving out... Finally! I finish my Bloody Mary and do the same.
She gets in her car and drives off. You see, this is one of the advantages of being a vampire; you have your own means of transportation. So I turn into a bat and follow her. By the way, do you know what happens to a vampire’s clothes when he becomes a bat? ...Neither do I.
It’s a good thing she’s driving to the suburbs. The air traffic in town at this hour is dreadful, not only the number of bats is intense, but mostly ‘cause you have to worry ‘bout witches who can’t handle their broomsticks. I know what you’re thinking... I’m a sexist... So sue me.
Finally, we arrive at an isolated house. I land inside the walls and turn back into my human form. As I peek through the living room window, I see the girl sitting on a couch. She seems anxious, no doubt waiting for her lover. Now there’s someone walking down the stairways... it’s a woman! A very beautiful woman at that... Silk white skin, long black hair, dressed in a long red dress with a low neckline that is to die for. Although the sight of this chick alone is worth the flight over here, it seems I won’t be lucky this time.
As she gets down the stairs, my employer’s wife stands up and undresses in front of her... This is starting to get interesting. I know, I should know better and keep my mind focused on the job but you got to admit... this is a scene you don’t get to see everyday... at least not for free.
Okay, chill out, Jack. Concentrate. Maybe they are just friends... Yeah, right.
Now, the chick in red takes my client’s wife by the hand as they move upstairs.
I notice a light coming from a window on the second floor. To my luck there’s a tree right in front of it. Once again I turn into a bat and inconspicuously fly to it, then hang in a branch close to the window. There are several candles illuminating the room where five other pretty, naked girls are waiting. This is getting better and better—I know, I know... gotta keep professional.
As they are joined by the wife and the babe in red, they all hold hands, forming a circle. I wonder, will my client see this as cheating? After all, there’s no other guy involved, just a bunch of broads. I myself would not only be glad, but anxious to join the fun. But this is me... I don’t know about him, nor do I care. So now, all I have to do is turn back to human, take a few pictures, give them to my client, pick up my money and go.
Hey wait a minute, the red-dressed one is coming my way. Did she notice me?
No problem! When she opens the window I’ll clap my wings and scare the hell outta her, then I’ll find another place to change. Okay, she’s opening the... WOW! What is this smell? It must be some sort of incense. Whatever it is, it’s making me real dizzy. I feel my strength going away and, just as I’m about to fall down, SHE GRABS ME.
That’s great! A reg chick who ain’t afraid of bats, I think. But as I’m carried inside I find out there’s nothing reg about these ladies after all.
Let me give you a hint: There’s a pentagram drawn on the floor. You got it, I got myself into a COVEN.
The chick puts me right in the middle of the pentagram and starts chanting with the others.
So here I am, just about to have my head chopped off by a bunch of naked babes. So the only chance I have is to go back to my human form. The problem is that I’m so damn dizzy that I can’t concentrate to change back. I told you this job sucked, didn’t I?
But hey... Who’s that by the door? It’s my friggin’ client! Wait a minute... But how could he... DAMMIT!
I’m sure getting stupider with age, for I never saw it comin’. He’s a darn MUMMY for crying out loud, and what are mummies, Jack? They’re immortal freaks whose only purpose in life is to accumulate special powers and show off to their bandaged friends. You know... that ‘mine is bigger than yours’ kinda stuff. I’ve been screwed by clients before, but this bozo takes the cake.
“Mister... Jack... Hayes... It... is... so... good... to... see... you... again,” says the lousy mother, with that slow voice that looks like he was buried in a tomb for over a thousand years... “As... you... have... probably... noticed... this... masquerade... was... a... trap.. for... you...”
I don’t know what’s worse, my near fate, or that grin on his face. Typical mummy, so full of himself. What I wouldn’t give to punch out the few remaining rotten teeth he has on that ugly mouth of his. “You... see... Mister... Hayes... I... was...never... married... The... woman... you’ve...been... following... is... in... fact... the...high... priestess... of... the... temple... of...Krelaan... They... are... very... famous... for...their... expertise... in... stealing... mystical... powers...”
At least that makes sense. Not even a bundle of money could make a babe like that marry such a walking pile of ash.
“I... have... always... dreamed... of... possessing... the... vampires’... metamorphosis... ability,” he says. “To... be... able... to... fly... as... a... bat... Or... stalk... regs... in... the... shadows... as... a... wolf... Unfortunately... your... kind... is... often... too... suspicious... especially... when... dealing... with... mummies... such... as... myself...”
Not as I should be.
“That... is... why... I... had... to... resort... to... this... subterfuge... to... lure... you... here... A... pity... you...shall... have... to... die... so... I... can... get... your... powers...”
Like I believe.
“But... take... comfort... in... knowing... that... part... of... you... will... always... live... in... me...”
“Ha... ha... ha...”
Okay, now I know what’s worse: That slow-motion laugh. If you can call that laughing...
And there comes the high priestess dame, with a ceremonial dagger, which by the size looks more like a sword, ready to cut off my head. Talk about a cliché. So that’s it. That’s how it ends for Jack Hayes, private eye... It’s not like I’m gonna miss much of my life. In fact, except for the porn channel and reggae music there ain’t much else I really enjoy, but the point is, after a few hundred years you kinda get used to it, you know...
So the high priestess raises her arm, just about to put me out of my misery. Okay, make it quick, honey. She then strikes the knife swiftly... against the MUMMY’S NECK?! His head rolls down the floor as his body collapses.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
The high priestess starts chanting. Between us, she’s got a great ass, but the voice... well, let’s just say she’d better not give up her day job.
Anyways, the mummy’s mystical powers rise from the inert body as a black mist. Now I get it... All this time, she’s been after HIS powers.
The mist turns into a small cloud with rain, lightning, thunder, and wind... it’s virtually a pocket storm. It grows larger, taking over the whole room. The other witches start dancing around her, in complete frenzy. In a different situation, their bodies wet with rain would be an arousing vision. Suddenly, the entire storm hushes inside the high priestess’s body, as if sucked by a vacuum cleaner. The other ladies fall down as if they reached an orgasm.
Well, as long as it’s not me... So now let me get outta here and we’ll forget the whole incident... Wait a moment... Why is she looking at me with those hungry eyes?
Oh, hell! She wants it all... Why have only his powers, if she can also have mine?
So again she raises the darn knife, now surely determined to cut MY head off. I gotta give her credit... to trick a mummy into tricking a vampire and then screw them both is a great scam. Too bad she forgot one thing though... all that wind and rain have put out the incense. And since my recovery abilities are extraordinary, especially when my ass is on the line, I assume my vampire form, which means... IT’S PARTY TIME.
First I shred the throat of the broad who was pinning me down when I was a bat. Revenge is a bitch, ain’t it? The other witches freak out and run like hell. All but the high priestess. No, she stands there all toughened up with her new mummy powers. Poor kid.
She threatens me: “I shall have your powers, vampire”, and then she fires. A lightning bolt flashes out of her hand hitting me point-blank. I am violently thrown backside to a wall.
I’m glad she has just stolen this power so she doesn’t know how to use it properly... that and the fact that I’m not a reg or I’d be ‘crispy jack’ now.
I’m dizzy though. She takes advantage of that to try to cut my throat again. I block her attack with my hand. “OUCH!” I hate these magical knives, the wounds take forever to heal. Now I have to suck my own blood, but it’s all right, my throat was dry anyway.
But that does it. Normally I don’t like to fight with women but this one has gone too far. So I get up and jump to where she is, and before she can react I give her a right jab in the chin. She hits the floor faster than I can say “bitch”.
She’s tough, I tell you that. Even after a punch like that, she’s still awake. I could just kill her now, I know, but there are other things I can do to her. Have I mentioned she has a great ass?
It’s BITING TIME!
* * *
So here we are at my home/office three days later. The place is small, but I like to think it’s cozy. Okay, so there are jail cells bigger than this, the wallpaper is peeling out and the bathroom is dark as a catacomb, but I still think it’s cozy. Do you mind?
“Time to wake up to your new life, honey,” I tell her as I open her COFFIN. She’s sharp. The moment she opens her eyes she realizes what happened.
She wasn’t too happy about it though. After all, since I’m the one who transformed her, from now on she’ll have to obey my every command, and I mean every single one, whether she likes it or not. Besides, any decent two-bit private dick needs a hot secretary, right?
So from a powerful high priestess, that was about to get all-mighty, she became a vampire’s vampire secretary who from now on will spend her nights typing and answering phones. It’s quite a downfall, but hey... she wanted to have my powers didn’t she? Now she does.
By the way, I DID mention she has a great ass, didn’t I?