Chapter 10
Jon found himself suddenly aware and hovering above a gold lamp. Judging by his own glow reflected in the eyes of the beholder, he must have been the primary light source in the room. Indeed, he found a single candle lit, which was hardly even as bright as a single Christmas tree light, and it seemed inconsequential to his own projected aura. A girl sat before him, inside a circle made of chalk on the floor, her bed shoved all the way across the room. Jon, and the golden lamp he was extended from, was inside a pentagram inside her circle. He sighed, exhausted already. The girl was a heavy young lady, dressed fairly dowdy looking, like the kind of girl in a movie who was intended to be the heroine after being remade who, afterwards, would suddenly be ‘wanted’ by the hero; only, there was no chance even Hollywood magic was going to spin this girl into American paradigm highlight. She was sitting crossed legged on the floor, her hands clasped together in excitement, almost prayer like.
“OMG,” she exclaimed. “It worked. You’re real!”
Jon tried not to telegraph his concerns as he sorted the situation. He tracked it well. The last time he was here in this world, there was spoiled prince involved and a bit of chaos ensued. How long had he been away from this world’s perspective time line? There was a light switch, so they had at least progressed to an electric society.
“My name is Julie and I wish to be attractive,” Julie said.
Jon’s eyes glazed over as the power of the Jinn expressed itself through the vehicle of Jon-ness. “Granted,” Jon said.
Julie clapped, jumped up, which was more like shifted her body weight and used both arms to stand, and then shuffled quickly to her dresser’s mirror with all of her accumulated bottles of perfume, and items of makeup, and a wig on a fake head, and a jewelry box, and the candle. The excitement drained away to reveal severe disappointment.
“I look exactly the same,” Julie said. She turned to him. “Why would you do that to me?”
Jon noticed the scarring on her arms and realized he was dealing with a person struggling with years of pain. He would never use the word ‘crazy.’ There are no crazy people, only people suffering. Was she unstable? Unlikely. Which meant, he needed to go even more gently as he navigated the surface reality between them.
“Julie,” Jon said, with the utmost kind voice he could muster without it coming across as fake. “Magic is no respecter of cultural norms and so, your wish was so vague in definition that resulting magic simply reinforced the existing framework, like pushing water through a sieve.
There is nothing inherently wrong with you and you are attractive in your own, unique way…”
“Oh, what a crock…” Julie began.
“Julie,” Jon interrupted her. You don’t want to use words like shit after exercising a powerful transformation spell. “I want to help you. You got two wishes left. Let’s work together to create something that works for you. Because even if you rephrase the wish and merely change your form, you will not have completed a subsequent emotional change. The only person who wields that kind of magic is you. You may look different, but you will still feel the same, and it is that emotional feel that will influence others, and that, in a beautiful frame, results in even more abuse than what I suspect you have already experienced.”
“What do you know about abuse?!” Julie snapped.
“I have no clue what your life is like. Maybe you could teach me,” Jon said.
“I know your type. You will give me what’s legally entitled and then you’re gone,” Julie said.
“If you’re afraid of being used now, you definitely don’t want to be beautiful without a corresponding increase in emotional awareness and wisdom,” Jon said. “You think I am immature?” Julie asked.
“Well, you could be borderline,” Jon said. “How old do you think I am?” Julie demanded.
She hadn’t understood his psychological label, which meant something, too. “Um, emotionally 6, and intellectually high school sophomore,” Jon answered without hesitation.
“You can’t talk to me like that! You don’t know me. You don’t know anything, stupid,” Julie said, running away, emotionally without leaving the room.
Jon sighed, contemplated options for a moment, and then pursued, emotionally, noticing the difference in the mind world and her physical world, and at a leisure pace, he reconnected with her as she was sitting on a merry go round at an empty playground, crying. He approached, quietly, and sat with her. She eventually stopped the water work, wiping her nose on her sleeve and turned away. His use of borderline was unfair, but fortunately, she didn’t have knowledge of what it meant so she couldn’t process it.
“You should go,” Julie said.
“Unfortunately, we are entangled until this matter is sorted,” Jon said. “You mean I have to wish you away?” Julie said.
“It would waste a wish and not get the results either of us want,” Jon said.
They sat there for a moment in quiet, till Jon grew bored and pushed with his feet to cause the merry go round to rock to and fro.
“Stop it. You’re making me sick,” Julie said.
Jon rose and stood in front of her. He held out his hands to steady himself, as he was suddenly dizzy, but that was because he was standing in two worlds, her apartment bedroom and an empty playground. “We need to discuss…”
“I don’t want to hear anything negative,” Julie said. “How is that useful?” Jon asked.
“What?”
“The world is full of positive and negative, light and dark, good and bad, male and female, and shutting your eyes to one aspect completely limits your ability to navigate,” Jon said.
“I don’t understand what you’re saying. But I won’t tolerate abuse from you,” Julie said. “Good for you,” Jon said.
“What?” Julie asked.
“You shouldn’t tolerate abuse from anyone, yay you for declaring a boundary,” Jon said. “Hearing me say something you perceive as negative is not abusive, just as a dentist giving you a shot is not harm.”
“I hate dentists! And how is calling me a six year old not abusive?” Julie asked.
“I did not call you six years old,” Jon clarified. “You asked how old I thought you were and my response was an intuitive assessment that was merely a descriptive value that indicates location on a continuum which informs me of optimum relational interaction strategies.”
“What?” Julie asked.
“Knowing where you are helps define our relationship,” Jon said. “We aren’t in a relationship,” Julie snapped, pointing a finger.
“I am using a broader definition of relationship…”
“You’re calling me stupid again?” Julie demanded, and might have stood if Jon wasn’t standing so close to her.
“OMG, I never called you stupid!” Jon said. “You hear stupid because…”
“You just called me stupid again…” Julie wailed.
“Julie, labels are not always disparaging. They merely indicate locations on a map. It could indicate direction to go, if you want to use it to define progress, but I don’t view progress as being necessarily linear. If we need to go back and discover what happened in your past, that can be progressive, too,” Jon said.
Julie became tearful. “I am not going to my past and you can’t make me! And you can’t make me go to the high school reunion either!”
“I get the sense you were bullied,” Jon began.
Julie wailed and threw herself face down on the merry go round because she was blocked from fleeing. Hiding eyes, like the game peek-a-boo, was a practical tactic of escape for a six year old. The only thing more she could have done was covered her ears with her hands.
“I wi…”
Jon blocked. She suddenly couldn’t speak. She seemed horrified. She sat up, touching her face. It felt numb, like having an injection from a dentist.
“Sorry, I am blocking you from executing your next two wishes dues to excessive emotionalism,” Jon said.
“You can’t do that!” Julie snapped. “You have no right…”
Jon cringed. Technically, she was right. And why should he care? No self-respecting Jinn would suffer a fool. They would give their wishes and be gone, probably departing while leaving a demonic, evil laugh to echo in their wake. And though he would not laugh, or depart wishing malice on a person, he was overstepping his ‘Jinn’ authority.
“I really wi…” Julie tightened her fists and screamed. “I just want Jeremiah to love me!”
“If you wish that, you will have wasted another wish and for no visible gain,” Jon said.
“Because he loves you for who you are.”
“He doesn’t love me!” Julie said. “Why do I get the moron Jinn?! I want another Jinn.”
“You summoned a Jinn, you get who they send, that’s it,” Jon said. “Now, shut up and listen.”
“How dare you, talk to me that way?!” Julie said. “I am in charge of you...” Jon closed his eyes as she ranted.
“Don’t tune me out…” Julie went on.
He was not tuning her out, but trying to understand why he had just snapped at her. He had developed significant patience over the years, and yet, somehow, this young lady had single handedly busted through some of his shielding and triggered an emotional response. He sought it and understood that he was not responding to her, but one of his own inner children, who, very much like her, wanted to scream and throw a fit and be righteous in indignation, only when he had done this his family of origin had come down on him so hard his life had nearly been extinguished, and so Jon’s inner child surrendered to a level of control, not wisdom per say, that allowed the present Jon to evolve. She had never learned this kind of restraint. Jon hugged his inner child and comforted him, as well as thanking him for his present level of insight. He could now proceed with less frustration.
“I expect you to deliver…” Julie was still going on.
Jon brought his hands together and bowed humbly to her. “May I speak?”
Julie stood from the merry-go round put her hands on her hip. They were fully back in her room and almost too close. In the merry-go-round world, Jon had had to take a step back. She waited silently for him to speak without having given permission. She was close enough he feel the heat from her bossom.
Jon assumed she had granted him permission to speak. “First, I apologize for blocking your second wish. I was out of line. Second, I raised my voice. I am sorry. I, too, have a history of abuse and I was not responding to you personally, but to a past situation. It is likely that I will experience additional emotions while being with you, but if you will grant me a little patience, I will endeavor to be as real with you, as you are being with me. Third, in your rant, you spelled out conditions which I am favorable to. I want to deliver high end quality wishes. Most Jinn could care less, they just want to get back to their lives and this wish nonsense is at best a day job, at worse community service for crimes. With your permission, I will work with you to scaffold the spells in such a way that you get the most for your money, so to speak.”
“I am not paying for these wishes,” Julie said. “Everyone pays for magic,” Jon assured her. “I am not paying…” Julie insisted.
“Let me be very clear on this point. If you can’t afford the consequences, don’t make wishes,” Jon said. He held up a hand and requesting he be permitted to speak, while asking her to be quiet. “The price is universal and I have no control over that. Everything in the Universe is permitted, but it always comes with consequences, and balance.”
“You make it sound evil. Why can’t people just have what they want?” Julie asked. “Great question,” Jon said. “My personal answer is, what fun would that be? If we’re in a game and everyone has everything, what’s the motivation to keep playing?”
“Life is not a game,” Julie said. “My feelings are real. My wants are real. Why is there evil in the world?”
“Your feelings are real. Your wants are real. Your suffering is real,” Jon agreed. “And again, this is my personal answer, there is no evil.”
“Only someone evil would say that, and it’s why you’re bounded in several circles…”
Jon stepped down from the lamp, proceeded to walk out of the circles, approaching her all the while as she retreated. She backed away, suddenly not so sure about her abilities to wield magic or use containment spells. The room became clearer, more defined, as opposed to blurry, Monet kind of art work. Jon could now discern the layers of evidence that she had been using dark magic, or at least, attempting to. He backed her into a wall and was standing so close to her that there would be no escaping him without physical contact. As it was, her breast were in contact with him. They were massive breasts due to being overweight in general. She was unable to look away from his eyes. She trembled, afraid, and yet, she found herself very excited and wanting, in a sexual way that she had not counted on. If he took her, she would surrender to him. She would allow the ravishing. She tilted her head in such a way that her neck seemed more exposed, as if inviting him.
“There is no evil. There is only love. There is only light. I use the two terms interchangeably. For every light you turn on, you get a thousand shadows. The evil you perceive are the shadows you are projecting. Turn up the intensity of your light, through imagining white or golden light, you’re not attracting evil, you’re just increasing the number of shadows you project. Retreating from the shadows gives them apparent growth. Approach them, and you will discover the friends you have held at bay. Learning to subdue your own light is not hiding it, but adjusting so you can see the plethora of other lights all around you. The only reason you can’t see the other worlds is because you’re getting in your own way. You can’t see stars in the day time, but they are still there,” Jon said.
“I am feeling really horny,” Julie said.
“You have not heard a damn thing I’ve said,” Jon said, forgetting to go softly. He tracked his frustration, and again, found himself. He was confronted with the very thing he also did: he wasn’t objectifying women, but simply pursuing the only level of connection that he could muster, given his limited social experience. He nearly cried. “Oh.” He bowed to her, thanking her again for insight.
“Will you have sex with me?” Julie asked. “Uh?” Jon stuttered.
Julie was mad and tearful simultaneous. “Because I am…”
“Stop?!” Jon said, putting a finger to her mouth. “Let me sort this. And don’t interrupt. I have to go to seek higher authority.”
Jon closed his eyes and found himself in a room, sitting on the floor, meditative pose, with Loxy. They were holding hands. His eyes were open in that world and he was looking at Loxy. Sensing the energy change, she peeked, smiled, and then opened both eyes, joining him.
“Are you distracted again?” Loxy said.
“I am having a situation,” Jon said. He quickly outlines the scenario. “You’re wanting to take me back to bed?” Loxy asked.
“OMG, please,” Jon said. “But you should know, I am being propositioned in another world.”
“How fun is that?!” Loxy said.
“Umm, fun is not the operative word,” Jon corrected. “When can it not be fun?” Loxy asked.
“She is not really, all that hygienic,” Jon said.
“Aww. She’s depressed?” Loxy asked. “It is a she, right?”
“I am not bi,” Jon said clearly.
“What about transgender? Would you do a transgender if they needed lessons in love?” Loxy asked.
“I am still on the fence on that one. I think it’s conditional,” Jon mused. “Was the person XY, but born with the wrong equipment? Were they born with both equipment, and the appropriate one was surgically removed? Looks will be an important factor…”
“Oh, Jon, Jon, Jon. You’re in training to be a Daka, the male version of a Dakini,” Loxy said. “Consider yourself a sexual surrogate. You help people sexually. Sometimes, that will require intimacy, and you will necessarily have to transcend your ideas of beauty.”
“I have an extremely broad range of criteria for engaging others,” Jon said.
“Broad being the operative word, sorry, I thought it was funny, but yeah, you do,” Loxy said.
“Is being a surrogate even legal?” Jon asked.
“What, sex?” Loxy asked, laughing. “No, sorry, I am so amused. Haven’t we done this conversation before? Sorry. Doesn’t matter. You’re asking now. Depends on the culture, clearly. It would not be legal in the U.S. in your century.”
“Ethically, how do I sort my own wants from that of the client?” Jon asked.
“Great question. And another reason why I love you,” Loxy said. “Contrary to popular belief, we will not have sex with all of our clients, not even most. It’s about their needs. Would having sex with this client bring about her highest good?”
“I think it might complicate things. I get the sense she has never experienced love and any intimacy could result in confusion and further attachment issues,” Jon said.
Loxy nodded. “People also need touch to heal. Even intimacy, to heal. Your past, and your openness to sexuality, and a broad sense of ‘do-ability,’ makes you a great candidate for this job. You are not turned off by disabilities or deformity and there are millions of folks with legitimate disabilities that need physical intimacy. You are also not frightened by the LGBTQ2SIA community and can engage them without fear or judgment. You’re going to answer some of those calls in your line of work. You’re going to help couples who are struggling with relationships. I personally will not have sex with my clients seeking couples counseling, either of them, nor will I have sex with either parties if their relationship dissolves. That’s a hard block for me. You’re going to have to answer this for yourself. There are no absolutes and no right or wrong.”
“There has to be some ethical guidelines,” Jon insisted.
“There are, you are navigating them with me in a healthy way,” Loxy said. “Keera is also on this path, I recommend speaking with her. Or with Misty. It’s not an accident she is your home room guide,” Loxy said.
“What if I make a mistake?” Jon said.
“You clean it up as best you can, and you use it to grow. I guarantee you, Jon, you are going to make mistakes. Every two human being engaging in a dance will eventually step on the other’s toe,” Loxy said. “Is that helpful?”
Jon nodded.
“How old is she?” Loxy asked. “24, Origin years,” Jon said.
“Well, that’s probably a relief for you, because that is a hard block in your world, which you respect,” Loxy said.
“It’s not a block everywhere?” Jon asked.
“Honor the cultural rules where ever you go,” Loxy asked. “In California, 16 is marrying age. Probably because too many people having sex with minors and they had to adjust down or half the city would be incarcerated. Oh, hence the movie, ‘Escape from LA.’”
“But what about…”
“No human will be allowed to enter Daka or Dakini training that would abuse the cultural boundaries, or who would abuse the individuals they have been brought to serve,” Loxy said.
“That can’t be true, either,” Jon said. “I know too many dark mages that would…”
“They are not in this training. Do any of ours go dark while in the system? Yep. And that gets sorted, too,” Loxy said.
“How do I know if what I am doing is in her best interest?” Jon asked.
“You keep coming at this from different angles and I can’t answer this for you,” Loxy said.
“I feel trapped,” Jon said. “I can’t win this. If I reject, it increases her evidence that she is unlovable. If I provide intimacy, it could also increase her evidence for being unlovable on ending the relationship, which isn’t going to last. Engagement is definitely going to mean confronting attachment issues. Oh, and my spider sense is screaming borderline personality disorder. She cuts to relieve pain. She is dabbling in magic to find an answer…”
“Sounds a lot like you,” Loxy laughed.
Jon pouted. Loxy gave him an ‘aww,’ and leaned over and hugged, made possible by her incredible Yoga abilities to lean and stretch, which got a rise from Jon.
“Tell me, in the past, when someone loved you fiercely, what did you do?” Loxy asked. “I ran and or sabotaged the relationship,” Jon said.
“Give her love. Let her respond how she will, and then give her more love,” Loxy said. “It’s that simple. People that meet the criteria for borderline are challenging, but they aren’t hopeless. All humans suffer, and they all have triggers that are expressed behaviorally. When you can teach a person to slow their world down, identify their own triggers, there is an opportunity for change. You know this. You’ve overcome a great deal of passive aggressive, petty meanness. Most the time, you respond neutrality, but every now and then, you come back at meanness with kindness, and it’s why you’re in this field.”
Jon appeared as if he was still deep in deliberation, high on sulking. “Say it,” Loxy said.
“It’s just that, I thought any personal evolution on my part would result in less sex. At least, less creepiness, less libido, less…” Jon trailed. He didn’t how to capture it.
Anyone else might have laughed, but Loxy put her hands on his face and directed it till his eyes met hers. “Look at me. Hyper sexuality is a thing, but it is not your thing. You are not broken. Yeah, a bit creepy sometimes, but who isn’t when out of their element? You’re functional, you’re kind, and your level of energy is perfect for being a super hero.”
Jon chuckled. “Sex is a superpower?”
“OMG, Jon. Have you not noticed heroines in comic books?” Loxy asked. “Yeah, but…”
“No butts. Alright, great butts. Look, tell me what you did to try and overcome you’re perceived sexuality disorder?”
“I studied sexology. I read everything I could on clinical sexual dysfunctions, male and female. I studied anatomy and physiology. I studied how sexuality varies from culture to culture and through time. I attended continuing education opportunities designed to help counselors stay current in their licensure…”
“Stop,” Loxy said. “Did it help?”
“No, it just increased my appetite or sex,” Jon said.
“So, shouldn’t your conclusion be that, maybe you’re just a natural…”
“All guys think they’re…”
“Most guys know where to stick it to get themselves off. Few have mastered techniques to stay in the game or increase the other person’s pleasure, much less studied the arts. Every generation tries to remake the wheel. Yeah, discovery is fun, but few people take discovery as far as you did,” Loxy said.
“Well,” Jon said. “I guess I am already going to hell, might as well knock a few more out.”
“No!” Loxy said, putting a single finger up, like a parent scolding. “Wrong. Wrong attitude, which results in negative magic energetic outbursts and manifesting negative attachments. You do it, you do it with love. That is the only thing that promotes health. Also, people don’t go to hell for sex. You can build up negative karma for lying, but that’s not a capital offense requiring a death penalty. It will put you on a different level of participation, where you’re more likely to have to deal with being honest. But, there is sex in the afterlife, and if you believe in reincarnation, then you’re likely to have a partner for every life you’ve lived, because that’s how we learn and improve, and decrease unhealthy attachment and jealousy. There are things you can learn from Keera that I can’t give you and that’s why I encourage you to engage her, and others. If you are think one person for all eternity, you’re not thinking right. We live in systems and we help each other in systems. And we continue to help each other through all the levels of eternity, progressing in constellations, sometimes falling out and sometimes rising above and sometimes staying together in a cosmic dance of evolutionary consciousness.”
“That’s better than the horror story I was sold as a child to get compliance,” Jon said. “I am not selling a story,” Loxy said. “You have already experienced multiple levels beyond your primary physical reality. You know, as I do.”
“What if having sex outside my core constellation results in me losing my core?” Jon asked.
Loxy almost laughed. “OMG, Jon. Your core is solid. We are solid. You will never lose me. You will never lose your people. Magicians and healers don’t work in a vacuum, they move in teams. We’re a team.”
“I love you,” Jon said.
Loxy pulled on him while leaning into him and their lips met. “Am I that hideous?” Julie asked.
Jon opened his eyes to her. He looked past her form into her heart and found himself mirrored there, and he remembered asking the same question to the person he had pursued as ‘the love of his life.’ Only to be rejected. He had definitely been out of league with his choice in pursuing ‘her,’ and he wondered how he might be different if she had met him with love instead of the cold shoulder. Logistically, ‘she’ couldn’t meet everyone that came at her with that kind of love. ‘She’ had to use some form of discrimination to navigate ‘her’ field of opportunities, which was way different from his world. Way different from Julie’s world. Her options, presently, were lower than Jon’s had ever been. And not just because of her physical presence, but because her emotional and mental presence was in such a low energy state.
In his head he heard, “I am all about the base, no treble,” and he pushed into her body, seeking her lips. His hands pushed through her hair to the back of her head, pulling her tightly to him. She trembled. Her throat moved, as if she had swallowed. “Are you sure?”
The only reason he knew she nodded consent was he felt her head move in his hands. “No. Speak it. This can’t be undone,” Jon said.
“I want this,” Julie said. She didn’t say ‘I want you.’ She said ‘this.’ Most people might have missed the importance of it, but as a magician he understood that she recognized at a core level that Jon was not her ‘primary.’ Jeramiah wasn’t either, but, small steps.