Chapter 10

Casey ate lunch sitting in the grass while Heath tried to balance the curb outlining the grassy area. He was a balancing and holding a wooden sword. Aoife was not struggling with balance.

She hit his Heath’s sword with her wooden sword, spun and kicked him in the butt, sending him off the ledge.

      “You fight like a girl,” Aoife said.

“I am an actor, not real knight,” Heath said. “Wait a minute! You’re a girl. Isn’t that like really rude?”

      “I am not a girl,” Aoife said. “I am a woman!”

Casey half pecked at her food, entertained by their play, but trying not to be obvious about watching them. There were boys in a circle smoking and cracking up. She ignored them, mostly. She suspected the tall one had been making glances at her, but she had yet to catch him directly looking. Brenda and Renata approached.

“May we sit with you?” Brenda asked.

“Sure,” Casey said.

Brenda and Renata sat. They seemed serious. Brenda handed her the lucid dreaming book.

“Casey,” Brenda said. “I owe you an apology.” “For what?” Casey asked.

“Please, don’t be mad,” Brenda said, bringing out Heath’s unsent letter. The seal was broken. “I found it in my bag. Maybe it was in the book and fell out? I was curious…”

Casey had a range of emotions, but she bit down on her response. Heath and Aoife were no longer playing. Whatever burst of energy she sent out into the world, it drew their attention.

They came closer. Aoife looked serious, ready for a fight.

“It was never supposed to be read,” Casey said. “I was careless. This is my fault.” “It’s the most beautiful thing I ever read,” Renata said.

“I shared it with her,” Brenda said. She frowned. “It made me cry and she really wanted to know why and she read it and she cried… We shared it with a few people.”

      “OMG,” Casey said.

“Did you lucid dream Heath?” Brenda said.

“I think I have gone beyond ludic dreaming,” Casey said.

“Really?” both Brenda and Renata asked.

“What’s beyond lucid dreaming?” Renata asked.

“Wonderlands,” Casey said. They were speechless.

“Do you really want to hear about this?” Casey asked.

“Yes,” Brenda and Renata said.

Brenda and Renata both drew closer. They were interrupted by one of the boys that had been smoking. Casey knew his name. Jeff Caldwell. Everyone knew his name.

“What do you want, Jeff?” Brenda asked.

“Not you,” Jeff said. “Casey. Would you like to go to the prom?”

“No, thank you,” Casey said, without any hesitation. She turned back to her friends Brenda and Renata.

“May I ask why?” Jeff asked.

Casey looked up. The sun was behind him which gave him sort of a halo, but also made it hard to keep eye contact with him. She didn’t like the advantage it gave him and she wished he would kneel or sit to be on the same level. Aoife threatened to skewer him, but Heath tempered her response, lowering her sword.

“I would rather you accept ‘no thank you and move on with life,’” Casey said.

“I’d really like to know whether you’re against proms in general, or you’re not interested in me,” Jeff said.

“I appreciate how much effort it took to come and ask me out. Thank you. That was nice. Braver because your friends are watching. You took a risk. Yay you. Hell, you even risked asking me out in front of my friends. Huge points for that. But I really don’t want to explain ‘no thank you.’ It might turn into a negotiation. This feels like a negotiation,” Casey said. “Accept the ‘no thank you.’”

“Just one reason?” Jeff asked.

“I will give you ten if you will listen without interrupting,” Casey said.

“Ten? Okay. I am listening,” Jeff said.

“Let’s start with, I don’t dance. They still dance at proms, right? So, not really interested,” Casey said. “I am also adverse to crowds and loud music. You really can’t have a conversation when there is loud music. I don’t want to yell to be heard. The whole point of a date is to talk and get to know someone and so, movies and proms are not really conducive to getting to know someone. Those are things people do once they’re settled. Just sitting next to someone in a theatre is not getting to know them…”

“We could just find a quiet place and talk…” Jeff said.

“See, you’re negotiating, and you agreed to listen without interrupting,” Casey said. “We’re not on the same playing field. You are technically superior in rank, by virtue of being a senior, but we are so not on the same intellectual level. Which leads me to number 2. You’re not interested in me. You have never shown any interest in me. I am not sure why you’re showing interest in me now, but the fact you didn’t accept my ‘no thank you’ is sufficient is evidence for me that you don’t care about me. You have an agenda. I can imagine what that agenda is, and that’s not going to happen with me. The fact that you interrupted me after you agreed to listen, more evidence you’re not interested in me, and the fact your eyes are glazing over now suggest you’re not listening to me even now.

“Three, you’re a senior. I don’t want to date a senior. Even if going to the prom meant we discovered we liked each other, you’re going off to college and I will be here another three years. I know enough about long distance relationships from relatives and friends back in the

Philippines to know I don’t want a long distance relationship. Especially with you. You’re too hot a commodity and you’re a bit of a player, and I don’t want to invest feelings in a short term, temporary thing. And it’s not just the class difference. The age difference is problematic for me. I am not opposed to older partners. But if you’re 18, or will be soon, that would mean what, at least three years of potential legality issues? 17 and younger are not able to consent, even if they think they’re consenting. I imagine I will enjoy sex. If we had any chemistry, and we don’t, I would want sex. If we had sex, and it was any good, I would just want more sex. I imagine I would want to continue, regardless of you being at serious risk of statutory rape. Not that I would report you. Even if you broke up with me, which your history suggest you would, I wouldn’t report. Now, if I got pregnant, the state might pick that up. My parents would report you if I didn’t. Well, my dad would. My mother would kill you. She’d kill me, too. Oh, and my parents know everything. Are you ready for that level of transparency? Are you seriously willing to risk jail time, buddy? The fact you’re asking me out suggest some questionable ethics on your part.

Do you want that reputation? Are you trying to get your last underage score in before you can’t touch this? No, thank you! I don’t want anything to do with this hot mess.

“Four, you’re tall. I don’t like tall. I seriously don’t understand why society says women should prefer tall. Hypothetically, if we were having sex, I’d be stuck looking at your chest. I don’t want to look at your chest. I want eye contact. You can’t have sex and simultaneous eye contact with tall guys. I prefer men be shorter than me. I wish all men would adopt this rule.

“Five, you were dating Amanda. She is like the hottest, most popular girl in school. I am so not Amanda. There are rumors why it ended. Most of those rumors came from you. I have heard you speaking smack about her, dissing her behind her back. That’s not cool. Maybe your complaints about her are valid. I doubt it. The wagon making the most noise is always empty. Even if everything you said about her is a hundred percent accurate, you were the one I heard talking smack. I never heard her say one unkind thing about you. I never heard anyone say that she’s said anything bad about you. You have clearly demonstrated to the entire campus how you will treat your next partner when it goes south. Why would anyone want to sign up to be dogged by you? You have a reputation for relationships going south. Not a bad thing, per say. We’re supposed to be dating and figuring ourselves out… Your eyes are glazing again. I suspect you’re thinking disparaging words about me even now, like ‘you cold hearted bitch.’ I am sure if you spread that a lot people will believe it because lots of people want to kiss your ass and be your friend. They’re likely to empathize with you due to your social position. I wouldn’t bank on that lasting past high school, though.

“But, let’s go there. Six, there’s a lot of people kissing your ass. Do I detect anger? Yay! That at least suggests something has gotten through your shields. It also suggest you have a low threshold for hearing things contrary to your paradigm. That should be a bullet point in itself.

Anyway, anger better than eyes glazing. It actually means you’re listening. You’re probably not use to hearing ‘no’ or having someone speak truth to you. Ass kissing is rarely truthful. You will never learn anything about your true self as long as you have an entourage that only does what you want to do when you want to do it, and you won’t maintain that if you don’t ever entertain their wants…”

“Are you done?” Jeff asked.

“You don’t want to hear all ten? Refer to bullet two. It’s a really hard bullet to swallow,”

Casey said. “Forget for the moment that I am already seeing someone…”

“Who would date you?” Jeff asked.

“Now, see? You just highlighted three bullet points in one mouth full,” Casey said. “Maybe I am dating the ghost of Heath Ledger. None of your business who I am dating or if I am really dating. I don’t want to date you. I also didn’t want to explain myself because I didn’t want to sound mean, but I don’t think you can accept nice when it goes against your preferences. Let’s start over. You just asked me to the prom. My response, ‘No, thank you.’ Are we done, or do you want me to give you the remaining four in the form of a rant?” Jeff walked away.

“Wow,” Brenda and Renata said.

“I think the days of you being known as the wall flower are over,” Heath said.

“I am in love with you,” Renata said.

“Yes!” Heath said. “I so called that.”

Casey swallowed. “I finding it difficult to recover,” Casey said. “Where were we?”

“You are like the best-spoken person I have ever met,” Brenda said.       Casey began to cry.

      “OMG,” Heath said.

      “Who hurt you?!” Aoife said. “I will kill them and drink from their skull…”

      “What’s wrong?” Brenda and Renata asked.

“You both really like me?” Casey asked. “Even after I was so mean to Jeff. I don’t want to be mean…”

They hugged her and reassured her. Heath convinced Aoife that they should return to the wonderland.

“You want to join the debate team with me?” Renata asked.

“I don’t like speaking in front of an audience,” Casey said.

“Me neither,” Renata said. “That’s why I joined the debate team. I was hoping to build confidence.”

“We should exchange numbers,” Brenda said.

“Yes,” Renata said.

“Okay,” Casey said. “But, you should know, I don’t live by my phone. I don’t respond quickly. My mom checks my phone periodically. And though I have facebook, I am not on there, either, for the same reasons. I don’t want the tech to rule my life. Facebook seriously makes me depressed. Everyone looks happy and they’re really not.”

“Take are numbers. You respond when you want to respond,” Renata said.

“You say that, but I imagine when you experience the reality of me, you will not want to continue a friendship,” Casey said.

“Let us worry about that part,” Brenda said.

 

Mother arrived late. Casey, Brenda, Renata, and Todd stood together and said goodbye. She proceeded to the car and got in.

      “Yay,” mother said. “New friends?”

      “Or old friends I didn’t realize I had,” Casey said.

      “Good for you,” mother said.

      “I would like less commentary on my life,” Casey said.

      “It’s what mothers do,” mother said.

      Mother drove. Casey looked for Heath and Aoife, quietly expecting them to join, but not calling for them. She wondered if she could tap into the wonderland without full immersion. She heard from Heath: ‘we’re fine, be with mom.’ Casey became aware that mother had deviated from her normal path.

      “Where are we going?” Casey asked.

      “Surprise,” mother said.

      “I don’t like surprises,” Casey said.

      “Everyone likes surprises,” mother said.

      “I don’t,” Casey said.

      Mother turned into a car dealership and parked. She turned off the car and unbuckled.

“Come on, let’s go look.”

      “You want a new car?” Casey asked.

      “Sometimes you are so dense,” mother said. “I am buying you a car.”

      “I don’t want a car,” Casey said. “I don’t even know how to drive.”

      “You start lessons Saturday,” mother said. “Surprise.”

      Casey felt a ton of horror and probably projected an exaggerated amount back out into the universe. She wanted to throw up. “I don’t want to learn to drive.”

      “With your father out of the picture, I can justify getting you a hardship license,” mother said.

      “I don’t want to drive,” Casey repeated. She wiped tears from her eyes with her sleeves.

      “Oh, don’t do that,” mother said.

      “I don’t want to drive,” Casey said.

“I am buying you a car because I love you,” mother said.

“Buying me a car doesn’t mean you love me more than other parents,” Casey said.

“You’re saying I don’t love you?” mother said.

“No! I am saying you’re not listening to me. Not buying a car doesn’t mean you don’t love me,” Casey said. “It’s a thing. It has nothing to do with love. The fact you don’t understand that bothers me tremendously.”

“So, now I am bothering you?” mother asked.

“OMG, why is this so hard. I don’t want a car!” Casey said.       “You don’t have a choice,” mother said. “I want more flexibility.”       “Then I will take Lyft,” Casey said.

      “You’re not taking Lyft when you can have your own car,” mother said.

      “I don’t want to own a car. I don’t want to drive,” Casey said.

      “Anyone would be happy to hear their mother is buying them a car,” mother said.

      “I am not anyone! Why don’t you know me yet?!” Casey said.

      “You are not going the rest of your life using Lyft,” mother snapped.

      “You’re right. I won’t. Robotic cars are just around the corner and will be fully in place before I finish college. No one in the future will own a car. There’s no reason for me to have a car or to ever learn to drive or pay outrageous insurance fees,” Casey said.

      “Don’t worry about the insurance…”       “I don’t want to drive!” Casey said.

      “You don’t have a choice,” mother said.

      “The hell I don’t! You can’t make me drive. If you buy a car I swear I will purposely drive it into a tree or into the swimming pool just to spite you,” Casey said.

      Mother fumed. She turned the car back on and drove away from the car dealership. Casey sat, arms crossed, not bothering to wipe her tears. Mother pulled into a psych hospital.

      “What?! Not wanting to drive is not a mental health issue,” Casey snapped.

      “Get out, or so help me I will call the police and have you dragged out,” mother said.

      Casey got out of the car. She was shaking. Her knees were week. She felt like vomiting.

She was going to follow mother in but mother directed her to go in front of her.

“What? You think I am going to run away?” Casey asked.

“March,” mother said.

“Is that option to live with dad still on the table?” Casey asked.

“Don’t push me,” mother said.

“Who’s pushing who?” Casey snapped.

Casey proceeded into the hospital. They had to be buzzed into the room, which meant once inside a person was trapped inside until someone unlocked the door. She went and sat down in the lobby while her mother began the preliminary paperwork. Heath and Aoife checked in but she assured them now was not a good time. They stayed away. Mother sat next to her, filling out forms.

“You know from experiences, girls that had no problems prior to being hospitalized came out with problems,” Casey said. “I’ll learn to cut and maybe take up being bulimic.”

“Have fun with that,” mother said.

“You’re going to lose this and look really bad,” Casey said. “I am not backing down.” “Neither am I,” mother said.

“They’re not going to hospitalize me,” Casey said.

“I think my words as a parent and a professional will trump anything you have to say,” mother said.

“Being a parent by virtue of giving birth does not a parent make. And you are so not a professional,” Casey said. “Ever heard of Hippa?” “What does that mean?!” mother asked.

“It means I know things that I shouldn’t know and one phone call to the licensing board you won’t have a job,” Casey said.

“You don’t know shit,” mother said. “I never used clients names…”

“I know things I shouldn’t. Let’s see how that investigation goes,” Casey said.

“Why you ungrateful little wretch…” mother said.

“I am right, you’re wrong,” Casey said. “You want to declare war? Let’s go to war.”

Mother stood up. “Let’s go…”

Casey followed mother to the door. The door didn’t open.

“I am sorry,” the receptionist. “You can’t leave until the counselor clears you.” “There’s nothing wrong with her,” mother said.

“That may be, but you came to us, and there is a liability issue of leaving without being cleared,” the receptionist said. “Also, you told me your daughter threatened to kill herself.”

Casey fumed. There were others watching. “Serious Hippa violations!”

The receptionist turned bright red. Casey went back and sat down. Mother went to the receptionist. After a moment, mother came back and sat down. She crossed her arms, a mirror image of her daughter.

“I didn’t say I was going to kill myself,” Casey said under breath.

“You said you would drive a car into a tree,” mother said.

“Contextually, not a suicide threat,” Casey said. “At best, it’s homicide to a tree. A car if your animist.”

“I swear, they must have switched you with someone at birth,” mother said.

Casey began to cry. “And you wonder why I hate myself, and why I don’t have friends, or invite people over, ever,” she said, and got up and ran to the bathroom. The receptionist directed a tech to follow.

“OMG,” mother said. “She’s not going to hurt herself. It’s just histrionics.”

Casey found herself before a mirror. Heath and Aoife arrived before the tech. She cried into the sink even as she washed her face. Heath touched her shoulder.

“You okay?” the tech asked.

Casey looked at her as if she were a moron. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, that was stupid. I don’t know a better way of starting,” the tech said.

“You can’t fix this,” Casey said. “My mother has expectations that don’t coincide with what I want for me. That’s life.”

The tech put her butt against the sink and leaned into it, crossing her arms. “If I had a dollar for every time I heard that story.”

Casey dried her face. She and the tech returned to the lobby together and Casey sat down on the couch the furtherst space away from her mother. They both sat with their arms crossed. Casey witnessed a four year old trying to change the picture on a magazine by tapping the picture. The child’s mother was on a cell phone. Casey started crying.

“What now?!” mother asked.

“You don’t see what I see,” Casey said. She stood up to confront the four-year-old’s mother. “There is nothing wrong with your four year old. This is all you. Put down your cell phone and be a parent before it’s too late, cause if you don’t listen to her, someone will, and that person might not have her best interest at heart. All of you, just turn your ipads and phones off.

They’re not as important as the person standing next to you!” “Sit down! You’re embarrassing me,” mother said.

“You should be embarrassed. All of you should be,” Casey said.

There was a counselor standing there. Their eyes met. “Casey?” she asked….

Casey headed to the counselor. Her mother stood.

“You want to do this on your own?” the counselor asked.

“No, she does not,” mother said.

“I might learn more if we can do this alone,” the counselor said.

“She’s privy to everything I tell you whether we do it alone or not,” Casey said. “Might as well let her win this.”

“Okay. Right this way,” the counselor said.

The interrogation room was small. The counselor shut the door behind them. There were two cameras, meaning the full room was visible at all times to someone somewhere. There was a couch against one wall. The counselor took the only chair after Casey and her mother sat on the couch.

“My name is Counselor Rossi. Before we began, let me tell you about confidentiality…” Rossi said.

“I don’t have a parole or probation officers, so don’t worry about secrets. Also, I would never harm an infant, toddler, or an elderly person, or anyone else for that matter; I am a passivist. I don’t want to kill myself, and I have never attempted,” Casey said.

“Well, that pretty much covers that,” Rossi said. “Done this before, have we?”

“I have heard the script before, yes,” Casey said. “And my name is Cassius.”

“Since when?” mother asked.

“In the context of this room, I am neither Cassandra nor Casey. I am Cassius,” Casey said.

“Are you trying to get yourself hospitalized?” mother said.

“It was what you wanted, wasn’t it?” Casey asked. She turned to the counselor. “Please, hospitalize me for changing my name. Or just hospitalize me for being difficult.”

“W