Chapter 13
The arm had to be set. Amy did that. The nanite and meds did the rest. Jon was in pain for three days but didn’t accept remedies. He remained in a mood, but no longer pushed Lilith away. If Lilith, or Loxy, or Loxy inside of Amy came to him, or sat by him, he responded, but he was distant, not playful. He turned down sex. He didn’t ask to be alone, as he would not restrict their movements to cater to his whims, but he wanted to be alone. Lilith didn’t pressure him, but she didn’t retire. Amy went back to her station for charging. Jon went forward into nose of the ship, and opened the jaws. He was vented out into space, his life belt kicking on as the pressure dropped, which trapped air immediately around him. It was enough air to prevent him from going unconscious, though he did have a reaction to the sudden drop in pressure, like a desperation to stay alive and run. Running wasn’t an option. He was ejected forwards of Onuka.
He extended his arms and rotation slow, stopped.
Onuka was after him like a dog chasing a ball, but Jon directed to hold her distance. Loxy responded to Onuka’s burst of speed and called to Jon, but he asked for a moment to think. Loxy demanded he think inside. “I am inside. Inside my head. I need this.” If he looked down, he saw Onuka below his feet. Everywhere else he looked, there was space and stars. He could easily imagine he was alone in all of this, especially if you deny the personhood of stars. If he turned off his belt, that would be that. Well, maybe. Onuka would no doubt swallow him and repressurize and he would wake later. He seriously contemplated the stars as people. They were definitely entities in his head, always distant, always calling. With light pollution on Earth, people have forgotten what powerful players these people are.
The theme from Buck Rogers was suddenly in his head, with words. ‘What am I, who am I, what will I be…’ His thoughts raced: Who am I? Am I my brain? Am I more. Is a personality nothing more than a cell phone app? I created a tulpa, a personality. We can switch. The brain doesn’t care what operating system runs the hardware. Jon as a personality is inconsequential.
That’s a strong argument for the materialistic model that consciousness is simply a hallucination. We are literally zombies who think we’re aware, but really we’re not, but there is no way to prove you are or you aren’t; you simply accept on faith. The law certainly assumed people were, or there would be no laws preserving life or property rights. Society believed in more, though it is entrenched in a warfare espousing the irrelevance of man, or there would be more effort to instill philosophies of peace.
“Jon, go back inside now.”
The voice was solid. It was in his ears and his brain, but it didn’t come from the normal channels. It was male. It was kind. It expected compliance. It was as if he were alone on a stage, even the auditorium was empty, except for one, the director. There was a struggle to know more, to see who it was, to hear the voice again, but that was it. There was nothing. There were no further instructions.
“Onuka, catch me up,” Jon said.
Onuka accelerated, like a cat that had been poised to spring, and caught him. He landed on the floor on his back and the moment the compartment was pressurized he was being embraced by Lilith and Amy. They were crying from relief, and anger, and sadness. And they were more demanding, wanting to know what was going on.
“I am hungry,” Jon said.
They retired to the galley where they watched Jon make a sandwich with sliced cucumbers, and assortment of fake meat slices, pickles, crackers, and potato chips.
“I don’t think you’re supposed to mix those,” Lilith said. Jon had to squish it to get into his mouth. “Okay, well, it has an appeal, but, um…” She surrendered her protest.
“God, what I wouldn’t do for some peanut butter,” Jon lamented, mouth full.
“Jon, please, talk to us,” Loxy asked.
“Nothing to talk about,” Jon said. “I am good.”
“You are not good,” Lilith said. “You space walked!”
“Perfectly legit exercise,” Jon said. “It’s good for Onuka and I to play catch.” “Jon,” Loxy said.
“Yes, I was in a mood. A serious mood. But that helped. Next time I am in a mood, I am going right out the front door and consulting with stars,” Jon said. He seemed suddenly reflective, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. “Did either of you hear the voice?” “What voice?” Loxy and Lilith asked.
“Probably nothing,” Jon said.
“You heard a voice?” Loxy asked.
“What did it say?” Lilith asked.
“Go back inside,” Jon said.
“You should listen to the voice,” Loxy said.
“I think we need more evidence before I arbitrarily start listening to voices only I can hear,” Jon said.
“That ship sailed when you made me,” Loxy said.
“Jon,” Lilith said. “I am hungry.” “OMG. How long as it been?” Jon said.
“Five days,” Loxy said.
“Why didn’t you say something,” Jon said, trying to recover the last few days. Even he hadn’t eaten since they departed Indigo.
“You were in a mood. There was no way I was eating while you were in a mood. You seem improved, and you just put enough calories away to give me a hunger rush,” Lilith said. Jon put the remainder of his sandwich down. Lilith asked him to finish, also, she got him a protein beer. It was like Ensure for adults. Real adults. They retired to the bed where Jon and Lilith made themselves comfortable, Lilith on top. Amy laid down beside Jon, snuggling in, putting a hand on Lilith. As Lilith moved in for the bite, Jon was startled by the face of the reptilian and grimaced. Lilith paused. “Jon?” “It’s okay. Sorry.” Lilith hesitated, but then continued. He could see the top of her hair in his peripheral. He brought his free hand up and ran his fingers through her hair. His other hand was held tightly by Amy.
Lilith slept afterwards. Jon and Loxy retired to the virtual deck. Five months of having seen this star-scape was enough to apparently familiarize himself with the sky above deck. Interestingly, he hadn’t recognize that while outside, but inside, with the deck below him, even be it a virtual deck, there was context that improved seeing. This is a thing. Look at a moon on a horizon, it looks huge. Take a picture of it, and it isn’t huge. He reminded himself, we don’t see with our eyes.
“You couldn’t have just come up here? You had to go outside?” Loxy asked.
“Really not the same as it is out there,” Jon said. “It’s like being in the ocean, hundreds of miles from shore, no boat, no possibility of rescue… It is tangible.”
“I would prefer you not do that again,” Loxy said. “Or at least, not without telling us.”
“That’s fair,” Jon said, turning to look out into space.
Jon found himself up against the end barrier. He connected a group of stars by drawing an imaginary line that stuck against the ‘glass.’ It resembled the Star Trek insignia. The barrier felt like glass, but probably was nothing more than the edge of the virtual arena. In here was not the same as out there. He felt safe here. An acoustic guitar began to play. He turned to see Loxy sitting in the lotus position. The music was coming from the guitar she held. It was an easy melody, one that fit into your soul like a key and caused it to unfurl. It was something from long ago, too long ago it seemed, but then, that was only yesterday. Tears began to flow, even in here tears could flow, and he wanted to bolt, but this song was an anchor, one of those hidden moments of childhood where he was safe, in a closet, with a tape recorder and a bulky head set.
Loxy repeated the intro, and this time, he couldn’t help himself.
“Sunshine,” Jon sang, channeling John Denver. “On my shoulders, makes me happy…” Lilith heard the call of the song and arrived on virtual deck with him. Jon changed the word
‘sunshine’ to ‘Starshine’ as he proceeded through the rest of the song. The virtual deck resonated with his voice as he leaned into Loxy’s musical support; it was the best acoustical place, like cathedral or a shower. The silence that followed the song was long and hard, as if he had been walking in the desert and on finding a spring had drunk his fill until he needed to just sit and breathe. He came and set near Loxy and Lilith. Their knees touched. Loxy put the guitar behind her. Jon gave one hand to Loxy, the other to Lilith. Loxy and Lilith joined hands. Jon told them. He told them everything. He discussed his rage, his disgust, his wanting to kill Avery, a desire to kill everyone who had ever harmed him or any child, and then there was the intrigue of the mirror and that this wasn’t him, and he wanted to rescue the alien frog skinned sex-bot, and he wanted to fuck her himself, and wanted to destroy the reptile’s creepy smile, and he saw his dad and his mom mirrored there in that face, and Avery was nothing more than siblings that were practicing on Jon what was done to them, and then there was the physical sensations of pain and pleasure, the emotional overload… There was hate and love. There was compassion; a complex thing that was more prominent given his age, but there was the love of a child that existed even knowing they were being harmed; they would fight to preserve the family, even if it was simply because that’s all they ever knew. He knew where Avery was; no, he assumed he knew, and if this came from what Jon experienced, then he wanted to help make it go away. His assumption that Avery had once been abused explained Avery’s extreme compulsion followed by extreme withdrawal. Punishing Avery, locking Avery in a cell, wouldn’t make this thing go away. Yes, it would stop Avery from harming another, but it would still be in Avery. It would still be a thing that even Avery knew was contemptible, and self-loathing would continue to consume his soul, if not expand as Avery’s perception of other’s contempt and hate added to Avery’s own misery. Of course, maybe that was an assumption, too. Maybe out here in space, at Indigo station, people were more advanced in understanding sex and relationships and dysfunction. Humans of Earth, they knew enough about sex to be dangerous, not always loving.
“It’s not your job to save Avery,” Lilith said.
“You’re feelings are definitely involved, and we can’t rule out Stockholm syndrome,” Loxy pointed out.
“It is not my job,” Jon agreed. “Maybe Avery left his/her home world because of this. Maybe that explains the bots. One for each cycle. Maybe Avery isolated because of this thing and that’s why there has been no effort to friend someone.” “Not your job,” Lilith said.
“It’s our job,” Jon said.
“Jon, do you believe the law won’t take your side because of your promiscuity?” Lilith asked.
“I don’t know. That’s a fear. People more often than not blame the victim for putting themselves in circumstances where rape is likely to happen again,” Jon said.
“It’s called re-enactment,” Loxy said.
“I know what it’s called. I know why people do it. I know why I can go into any bar and immediately pick out the most promiscuous female in the place without even talking. I know why I can do the opposite. In fact, that’s how it usually plays out. I go to the person I find most attractive, I get rejected, I hate myself, I pick the easiest lay, I go home with her, and then I spend the next several days hating myself, then repeat. I see this in Avery, only, it is playing out in a crazy extreme bipolar, bi-gender duality that is beyond my ability to sort. I don’t want to press charges. I want to understand,” Jon said. “I am okay that this not be a secret, because that could help other people, but the stigma that goes with this thing is even more isolating than locking someone up. Avery is already locked up! That exaggerates the bad stuff and adds bad stuff. I made a choice in my life to find a way to be more loving. I want love in my life and I want to put love into the universe and this is where I get to practice what I preach, by not running away, but by seeking to understand. I need more information about Avery. I want to practice forgiveness. I want to practice love. And, I know for a fact, I can’t do this alone. I need a community of people who love and support me, and will help me help someone. This requires a team. I need you both.”
“Jon, I have always espoused the love, compassion, and understanding,” Loxy said. “You have my full support. If there are any reservations on my part it is because I have a bias. I will protect you first. You’re my primary. Clear?”
“Clear,” Jon said. “Thank you.”
Lilith was silent for a moment, but maintaining eye contact. “You are not like any of the humans in any of the stories I have ever heard. You were injured, and yet you don’t plan for war. You are conflicted, and yet deliberately thoughtful in formulating a response that seeks the greater good of self and of others.” Tears were flowing. “My heart is with you. You have my support, whether you go to war or not. Love is the preferred path of my people. Wide is the spectrum, narrow is the frequency.”
Jon blinked. “Wide is the path, narrow is the gate.”
Lilith smiled. “You know this?” Lilith was amazed. “Love is the highest frequency. It is the narrowest gate. It pervades all of space time, it is available to everyone, we all reach towards it, few rise to it, no one gets there alone.”
It was decided, finish their push to star, then go speak with Avery.
They arrived above the ecliptic of the planetary system of the class M star, looking down on it, able to take in all the planets. It only took an hour for Loxy to have enough data to virtually accelerate the orbits to reveal a particular curiosity. There were two gas giants. One, the largest, orbited close to the star, at a distance that would have been between Venus and Mercury. The other was between where Mars and the asteroid belt would have been. There was one planet between them. It’s orbit shifted to and fro within the space between the two giants. This planet, the second planet, held an atmosphere, it had a moon, and it was surprising stable considering its orbit oscillated like Ping-Pong ball on a table between two players. There were six planets in all, fourteen planetoids, and an Oort cloud full of ice and rocks. Both gas giants had upwards of twenty moons.
Jon deployed a probe in buoy mode, and accelerated them down into the system, which would bring them in towards the inner gas giant, where he intended to orbit a couple of days before accelerating out towards the second planet. The second planet clearly had the spectrum for oxygen, nitrogen, carbon, and methane. He was betting on life. Onuka loved the sunlight, and purred like a kitten. It took a solar day, under quantum sail, to arrive at the gas giant. From there, he lowered the sail and adjusted with traditional rocket science. Onuka, like a dragon of old, could exhale fire. There were a number small orifices around its body to orientate, and four main orifices on the back. Onuka could turn without the jets, a skill that Jon hadn’t figured out how it was accomplished. Onuka could also accelerate on its own, again, without thrust, without quantum sail. It wasn’t fast, but it was detectable.
Loxy began categorizing moons as they swung around the giant. As they approached the terminator, approaching shadow side, a swarm of bioships came at them. They were exactly like Onuka, only smaller. The largest was half its side. They came from the shadows, adjusted course, and followed Onuka. There was suddenly an outburst of radio chatter, as if they were trying to communicate.
“Babies?” Lilith asked.
“I don’t know,” Jon said.
“There is no data on this,” Loxy said.
One of the bioships nudge Onuka. Jon dropped from virtual deck to maintain balance.
Lilith was there, steadying him.
“They want to play,” Lilith said.
“I am not so sure that’s a good idea,” Jon said.
Jon made a push to leave orbit, heading towards the second planet. The heard of bioships followed. Jon accelerated using thrusters. They emulated. Keeping up. Onuka accelerated in her special way, surprising Jon. She could accelerate at a much steadier rate than he had previously seen.
“She is learning from them!” Loxy said.
Onuka was clearly bigger, stronger, faster, and was soon outstripping the herd. Then the jumping began. To keep up, the others ‘jumped’ through dimensions and arrived just far enough ahead of Onuka that they were in front, then beside her, and then falling behind. The impression Jon received is they were dolphins, riding a bow wave. They were pursuing and playing. And they all jumped, they all kept up for a moment, and then jumped again.
“How are they doing that?” Jon asked.
“They have tech?” Lilith asked.
“I am not detecting tech,” Loxy said. “I only sense biology. Radar has limited penetration. They mirror Onuka’s anatomy, but they are fundamentally different.” “Biocorp engineered Onuka from this?” Jon asked.
“Maybe,” Loxy said.
Onuka jumped. The jump put them a kilometer forwards of their last space-time position. It was instantaneous. There was no sense of rising or falling. They just skipped forwards. It was uncomfortably jarring, like watching a DVD and the scene skipped.
“New skill!” Loxy said.
Jon focused on the quantum drive. It still held a day’s worth of charge. It hadn’t been depleted with the jump.
The Little Ones kept up.
“Onuka, do that again,” Jon said.
Onuka jumped forwards. They were one kilometer ahead of their last experienced position. The Little Ones caught up.
“How far can she jump?” Lilith asked.
“Onuka, next planet, go,” Jon said.
Onuka jump. The jumps was more disorienting than the little jump, and Jon nearly threw up, but again, he found no energy depleted from the quantum drive. They were in orbit of the planet, near its moon. The Little Ones were absent.
“I guess they can’t keep up?” Loxy asked. The Little Ones arrived.
“Or they had to do more than one jump,” Jon said.
“But they knew where we were,” Lilith said.
“Jon, we’re being hailed,” Loxy said, re-playing the audio she had just received.
It was a greeting. “Hello, Traveler? Are you receiving me?”
Jon responded, voice only, “Hello?”
“Your transponder says you’re a Biocorp ship,” the caller said. “Is this true?”
“It is,” Jon said. “Who are you?”
“I am Lanza,” she said. “I, too, am a Biocorp pilot. I am sorry I can’t do a virtual call. I have limited capabilities. I crashed on this planet. My husband is with me, but he is injured more than a simple med pack can fix. Would you be willing to retrieve us and bring us back to civilized space?”
“Sure,” Jon said.
Lanza began crying. “Thank you. I am transmitting my coordinates,” Lanza said. “If you do a burn, you will find the waters here are ideal for your ships skin rejuvenation. This beach is shallow. I can meet you there.”
“Coordinates received. I see the place you’re referring to,” Jon said. “ETA about two hours?”
“I will be there,” Lanza said. The signal cut.
“Jon, I don’t think we should go down,” Lilith said.
“We always answer distress calls. This is clearly a distress call,” Jon said.
“Something isn’t right,” Lilith said.
“It is true, she didn’t use the standard SOS protocols, or emergency frequency,” Loxy said.
“Her radio is damaged?” Jon asked.
“I don’t think she is in immediate danger,” Loxy said. “She shouldn’t be uncomfortable waiting a few more days. We finish charging in two. We bounce back to Indigo, she has help within two or three days. If she is Biocorp, you get a share in the system, with bonus of bringing another pilot back.”
“What are the odds of me rescuing two pilots?” Jon asked.
“Your life is governed by high tech,” Lilith said. “You’re going to experience a great deal of synchronicities and anomalies.”
“I don’t think so…”
“Jon,” Lilith said. “Since you found me, you have been nothing more than amazingly lucky. Our meeting was not coincidence. Nothing around you is coincidence. You are influenced by something greater than you. Greater than us. We are players in high tech.”
“Then, we are here on time, we should investigate. We have two days. I was informed we need to do regular atmosphere entries to exfoliate Onuka. Let’s do this. You can always stay hidden and if your intuition is right, well, you can rescue me,” Jon said.
“Assuming she doesn’t shoot you on sight,” Loxy said.
“Why would she shoot me?” Jon asked. “Most people in the Universe aren’t trying to kill you.”
“Statistically accurate,” Loxy said.
“I am worried,” Lilith said.
“We will be fine. We’re a team. And rescuing people is our theme,” Jon said. “Prepare for planetary descent. Greatest American Hero theme song, engage!”
“Ha ha,” Loxy said.