Anna was sitting on one of the pillows in her secret hiding place with her legs drawn up against her chest and her chin resting on her knees. She had tried to write in her diary but gave up after a while. She couldn’t gather her thoughts enough to write anything that made sense. So now she was just sitting there letting her thoughts wander freely. But she didn’t complain. It felt good to be alone when the rest of the ship was in some sort of chaos. If she hadn’t been able to hide away here, she probably would have gone crazy by now, she thought.
Suddenly she shuddered.
Crazy?
Crazy like her mom?
She immediately dismissed the thought. Mom wasn’t crazy! According to the doctor she was only in some kind of shock state. And she wouldn’t be in that state forever. If we all just gave her some time, she would soon get better. But it had been several weeks now, and she was not yet herself. Sure, she wasn’t in any deep sleep anymore. She was out of bed several hours every day, and she ate and drank everything they served her. But no more than that. She only briefly answered direct questions, and when she spoke, her voice sounded empty and hollow. Anna felt like her mom was an empty shell, more dead than alive.
Erik was the one who had the most difficulty accepting her condition. He was always trying to get her attention. He wanted to sit on her lap as often as he could, and he often forced her to answer a lot of stupid and meaningless questions. Anna understood that it was his way of trying to "wake her up," that he, in his childish way, was just trying to get his mother back. But it was so stupid that he even tried. It just got worse for him, as he constantly had to face rejection from his mother. Anna didn’t know how many times she had tried to comfort Erik as he was crying under his blanket before falling asleep in the evenings.
She, on the other hand, couldn’t cry at all. Not even when it was clear that the disaster on Earth was devastating and that probably most of humanity was gone forever. How long had it been since it happened? Three weeks? Or was it more? She didn’t know. But did it really matter? Three weeks, three months, three years. Earth was gone forever it seemed. Or "gone forever" maybe was the wrong expression. The planet still existed, it was not as if it had exploded or been swallowed by a black hole. Earth was where it always has been, but what was left on the surface she had no idea.
No one knew. The adults seemed to know just as little as she did. The only thing she knew was that all communication with Earth was interrupted shortly after the comet hit the planet. According to Dad, in recent weeks, all imaginable wavelengths had been frantically searched in the hope of finding some sign of life, but without any results. So far it had been completely silent. Anna shuddered at the thought that perhaps all people on Earth were dead and that they were the only remaining people in the entire world. Except for those already on Mars, of course. How many could it be? A few hundred? The thought was almost unthinkable! She couldn’t imagine that she would be one of the last humans in the history of mankind. She laughed a little at the absurdity of the thought, but then in the next second, she felt a stabbing pain in her chest as she realized once more that all her friends and relatives probably were dead. Her grandmother and grandfather were dead, all friends from school were dead and Lisa was dead.
Lisa!
It was as if the thought of Lisa being dead was what made everything a little more real. She sighed and bent her head to her knees and waited for the tears, but nothing happened. Like all other times, it was as if something was stopping her from crying. Instead, she felt an unpleasant hard knot in her chest that made it difficult to breathe. She lifted her head again, closed her eyes and tried to take some deep breaths, hoping that the unpleasant feeling would disappear. But it didn’t. It continued, and after I while it felt like she was going crazy because of the discomfort. She tried to hold her breath, but that didn’t help either, she just got dizzy.
Eventually, she gave up and just stared straight ahead with empty eyes. Well, this is probably how I will feel for the rest of my life, she thought, and kicked her diary that laid in front of her. It ended up at one of the entrances and Anna immediately realized that she couldn’t risk leaving it there, as it was probably visible from the corridor. She moved crouching to the entrance, but just as she was about to pick up the diary, a hand reached in and took it.
In the next second, Emma crawled in through the entrance and said with a big smile on her face, "I guess this one is yours?"
Anna's heart almost stopped. She didn’t really know what to say. Emma hadn’t been seen since she was arrested, and Anna had assumed that she would be imprisoned for the rest of the journey.
"But… I thought you were in custody. Are you free now?" she finally said.
"Yes, they’ve let me out on some sort of probation, and it wasn’t a day to early if you ask me. If I had I been able to, I would have sued those idiots. But there is nothing I can do, I know that. I have to let it go… at least for the moment."
She looked quickly over her shoulder.
"Move to the side Anna, and let me in. Anyone can see my butt sticking out of the entrance."
She handed over the diary to Anna, and Anna backed away so that Emma had room to enter. They crouched their way back to the pillows and sat down and Emma looked curiously around.
"Ah, I miss this place. Do you still come here every night?"
"Yes, if I have the opportunity. It’s the only place where I can be by myself... What was it like to be in imprisonment? Was it scary?"
"No, it wasn’t really that bad. They didn’t throw me into a cold and raw dungeon. It was an ordinary room with a bed and a table. In fact, not so much smaller than the rooms we have otherwise. What made me crazy was that I couldn’t go anywhere, that I couldn’t talk to anyone and above all, that I couldn’t get any information about the terrible situation."
She continued before Anna could say anything.
"It must have been almost four weeks since it happened. Right? What have you heard? Have they detected any signs of life from Earth yet? They must have heard something, right?"
Anna looked unhappy and shook her head.
"No nothing. And the adults don’t tell me anything anyway… so, I really don’t know more than…"
"Forgive me Anna," Emma interrupted. "I didn’t mean to pressure you. It’s just that you’re the first one I’ve really talked to since I was released. I’m just eager to know what the situation looks like. And how should an 11-year-old keep track of everything, when even the adults stumble in darkness?"
"Soon twelve," Anna said quietly.
"Okay, sorry Anna, I didn’t know, soon twelve. So, it is your birthday soon?"
Anna nodded. Emma sighed and continued, "But that’s great! We have to celebrate that properly, don’t you think...?"
Anna nodded again and tried to smile. Emma smiled back and said, "Enough about me now. How have the last weeks been for you? I imagine it must have been terrible. How have you and your family coped with this terrible situation?"
Anna looked down at the floor and began to fiddle with a small thread in her pants.
"Well, I’m okay, I guess, and Dad’s okay too. But Mom, she... well, I don’t know… And Erik, he cries himself to sleep every night."
Emma gently placed her hand on Anna's shoulder and said, "How terrible Anna. I think everyone's still in shock. Me too. I can almost not comprehend that it has happened. We should of course be happy to be alive. But what kind of world is left? We are maybe a few hundred people scattered on a few islands here and there in space..."
"Yes, isn’t it bizarre," Anna shouted, "that we and those who already live on Mars, are all that is left of mankind?"
"Well, I don’t think it’s that bad, Anna. Hopefully, millions of people have survived back on Earth. And then we also have the people who live on the lunar base and on the space wheel. So, I don’t think it’s the end of humanity, not yet in any case."
"The space wheel and the lunar base? Can they really survive there?" Anna wondered.
"I don’t really know, Anna. When I think about it… those who live on the lunar base, have probably no chance of surviving in the long run. As far as I know, they are completely dependent on the constant supply of food and other necessities from Earth. As for the space wheel, yes maybe... They grow crops there anyway and perhaps they can scale it up and become fully self-sufficient. It will be difficult, but not impossible, I suppose."
"Shouldn’t we contact them?" Anna said suddenly. "Don’t you think that they would love to hear that there are more survivors out here in space?"
"Yes, you’re right, Anna. My guess is that they already tried to contact them… but what do I know. As I said, I have been in total isolation the last weeks, and no one has told me anything yet. But if I get the opportunity, I’ll make a suggestion to the captain."
Both remained silent for a moment and Emma looked at Anna like she was pondering something, and after a while she said, "What’s up with your mother, Anna? You indicated that she wasn’t feeling so well. Does she feel bad about what happened?"
Anna looked down at the floor. Everything had revolved around her mother in these last weeks. She suddenly felt so fed up with everything that had to do with her and replied reluctantly:
"I don’t know really… She was in some kind of coma for a while, but she’s awake now, but I don’t know, she’s not really herself yet. She doesn’t talk much, and we have to take her with us everywhere, otherwise she just stays in her bed all day long."
"That sounds awful, Anna! But what does the doctors say? Perhaps she needs medication? She must get some sort of help, don’t you think?"
Anna shrugged her shoulders.
"I don't know if she’s getting any medication. Dad says that the doctor said that she still is in some kind of shock because of the disaster, and that it could take a long time before she becomes completely herself again. That we just have to give her some time."
Emma put her hand on Anna's shoulder and said, "Yes, let’s hope for the best, Anna. I'm sure she will feel better soon. Each person has their own way of dealing with difficulties. She is probably processing what has happened in her own way, and when she is done with it, I am absolutely convinced you will have your mother back again."
Anna wasn’t sure if she could believe in Emma’s words, but it felt nice just to hear someone say that everything would be alright in the end.
"Okay, if you say so," she mumbled.
Both became silent for a few seconds and Anna desperately tried to come up with something other than her mother to talk about, and said swiftly, "Can we survive on Mars? I mean, you said that the people on the lunar base depended on getting constant supplies from Earth to survive. Is it the same for us? Will we have enough food to survive? Or will we starve to death?"
Anna whispered the last sentence. It felt so absurd really, to suddenly be without food, not to be able to eat when you wanted to. Food had been such an obvious part of her life that she never thought that she might end up in a situation where she was starving.
"I think we’ll manage," Emma said. "We will have access to two hangar-sized greenhouses, and they will probably be able to produce enough food for everyone. Especially now, when we are much fewer people on the colony, compared to what it was built for. So, you don’t have to worry. We will not starve, I’m sure about that!"
Emma seemed to hesitate a bit, and then continued, "But we will have other problems. We will certainly run out of consumables. Medications, for example, will not last forever. Maybe we can come up with a way to make antibiotics, but it will probably be very difficult. And clothes. Sure, they can hold for many years, but eventually they will get worn out. Not to mention all the equipment needed to maintain the nuclear power plant and all other technical equipment. We simply must figure out how to manufacture these things ourselves… I think we should be able to solve that somehow, with so many engineers and scientists in one place…"
Anna didn’t answer. It didn’t sound especially promising at all. How could they make all the things Emma mentioned? Surely there were no factories on the colony? She finally forced herself to say something, "Okay, if you say so."
She began to fiddle with the thread on her pants again and mumbled, "But I don’t think it sounds especially good. I think it sounds like we’re not going to make it."
"Forgive me, Anna! Forget what I said. I know a lot about the colony, but I really don’t know everything… But one thing I know for sure is that humans are masters of survival and that humans can handle almost every situation they are facing, it’s something we have shown over and over again throughout history. Now we must once again show that we can solve the impossible and I’m sure we can do it, Anna!"
"Yes maybe," Anna said, looking up at Emma.
"Not 'maybe'," Emma said firmly. "We will survive. I’m absolutely sure about that. No more negative thoughts, we have to look ahead instead!"
"Okay." Anna said and smiled cautiously. "Maybe we can handle this situation too."
"Yes, of course we can," Emma said, smiling back.
*
When Anna sneaked into the bedroom, she felt, for the first time in a very long time, a light feeling in her heart. She and Emma had been talking for hours, and finally, Emma had to almost force her back to bed.
She was just about to crawl under the blanket when she noticed that someone was moving in the dark. And suddenly, she heard her mother's whispering voice, "Anna, is that you?"
Anna froze. She didn’t move for several seconds, hoping that her mother was just taking a chance and wasn’t really sure she had heard her.
"Anna, I can see your silhouette! Come and sit here with me," her mother whispered firmly.
Anna wasn’t sure what to think. She felt happy that Mum was talking to her, while she at the same time was afraid of what she would say about her being up in the middle of the night. She carefully walked over to Mom and Dad's bed and sat down beside her Mom.
"Hi, my sweet baby," she said. "Where have you been this late at night?"
Anna thought it was best to stay as close to the truth as possible and whispered back:
"I couldn’t sleep, and it felt like I was going crazy by staring into the darkness hour after hour, so I decided to take a little walk around the ship. I didn’t mean to worry you Mom."
"But honey, it’s okay. I’m not worried about you taking a walk around the ship. I do the same when I’m having trouble falling asleep. What worries me is that you can’t sleep. You always slept like a baby, and if you can’t sleep, then I assume something is worrying you."
Anna didn’t know what to say. Some part of her wanted to scream that maybe it wasn’t that strange she had trouble sleeping when Earth had been wiped out and her own mother had turned into a zombie. At the same time, it felt good that Mom talked to her in a normal way and that she actually worried about her.
Before she could answer, her mother said, "If you want, you can sleep here with me tonight."
She pulled the blanket aside to let Anna in. The warmth and scent of her mother felt irresistible for Anna and she quickly crawled down beside her. When was the last time she slept in her parents’ bed? When she was five or six years old maybe? Never mind. Her mother had gone from being a zombie to suddenly behaving like a normal human being. It was just as good to take the opportunity, she thought, and laid down with her back against her mother. Her mother quickly pulled the blanket over her and then she put her arm around her and whispered in Anna's ear, "It’s going to be alright my sweet Anna. It’s going to be alright."
Anna immediately felt that horrible lump in her chest again. But it was different this time. The lump seemed to grow and grow and then all of a sudden, she felt warm tears streaming down her cheeks. They never seemed to end. In silence, she slowly soaked the pillow she was lying on, while her mother tenderly whispered in her ear, "Hush, hush, Anna. There’s no need to worry… I promise you that everything will be fine, my sweet little Anna… Everything will be fine…"