Chapter Nineteen
It was in front of him, thin, sickly thin and its movements were swollen in fear and confusion. It was less an enemy than an object of pity, a mistreated slave, a painful frame of a normal commune citizen. He looked down his sight and saw it more closely. Its face was blank, its shoulders drooped. It was a lost, desolate figure. He took the shot and its face contorted and its body sagged. It had been a perfect hit, straight in the thigh, and the anaesthetic would soon do its work. Another job done well, the first step in its liberation from 541588’s impositions completed. He stepped back into the helicopter, and someone announced: “That was the last of them.”
“So now we find 541588?”
“It’s left its room now, it looks like it’s heading towards the storage sheds.”
The grand master chimed in. “No. Let’s go to I and sort it out first. I’ll have time to evaluate 541588 afterwards. Do we all know the plan for I?”
Nods from everyone and the helicopter fired up and headed toward the palace.
The end was near. The professionalism of this group was evident. They had subdued each of those that 541588 had turned with ease, and they were soon to capture 541588 itself. From then on, things could return to normal again and this disordered and stressful experience could come to a rest. But there was a question that kept nagging I. Why did the central command send that first group of incompetent forces? From whichever angle that I approached this question the answer seemed nonsensical. As it could now see, the central command was powerful and assured. How then, could they have considered unarmed and weak people as appropriate for retaking the commune from 541588? There was something suspicious going on. But then again, they were actively fixing the commune now, and the peace would soon return. I could either forget about the past and start anew or continue to dwell in discontent at these small details.
As much as it wanted to take the first option, it felt that it could not ignore what had happened the past months. It had been irreparably changed, and if the normalcy were to be returned, it couldn’t help but be bored. Yes, that was wrong, and yes, boredom had been the cause of all its problems but it couldn’t help it. Once everything was fixed, it would have nothing to do except watch the commune repeat the same thing over and over again and contemplate the meaninglessness of its own life. It felt that there was some greater truth that was being hidden by the central command, and the question stabbed into its mind again. What were they up to? Why did they purposely fail? It could try to find out, ask the men when they came into the palace but it felt that it would never be told. And if it tried to find out on its own; well it knew what was to become of 541588. Despite its pity of 541588, much of 541588’s thoughts and feelings were now being echoed in its mind. It couldn’t bear to live out its life in repetition, with empty purpose. It had apologised for being bored before and for seeking out something different in its life as if it were wrong. That was how the central command made it feel. But the central command wasn’t infallible, it had been wrong before, it had sent those incompetent men before, why couldn’t it be wrong about the most important thing of all? Maybe the whole world was flawed, maybe 541588 was right. I had had an epiphany of sorts the previous day, realising that freedom was a curse rather than blessing. That freedom, freedom was being free to fail, free to see its work ruined, to see its person destroyed. But now it realised an even deeper truth: this destructive force of freedom wasn’t intrinsic to freedom itself. No, they were impositions of the central command. When it had allowed 541588 to do what it had wanted, it had failed the standards of the central command, but not of anything else, not of any objective standard. But what could it do? If it ignored the central command, it would be destroyed, if it followed what the central command wanted, it would live an empty life. The choices were equal and horrible. Maybe it could ask them to erase its memory and condition it and allow it to live in the commune? This seemed like the only possibility that would end its discontent, and it was plausible; they might do it. But then, it didn’t know why, but it felt there were some things that it did not want to lose at any cost. It couldn’t stand to have its mind wiped, all its of experiences count for nothing, to start again as a different person. None of the options were palatable. None made sense. The problem remained impossible to resolve and I continued to think in circles.