Goodbye
The rest of my Thanksgiving break was uneventful. I accomplished exactly no homework but played with Rusty quite a bit. He was a relentless fetcher. My sister and I watched through the entirety of Firefly, as was our holiday tradition. My time home felt almost surreal. The break was a nice change of pace, like going back in time to when things were simple. The idea that I was pursuing a treatment, possibly a cure for my cancer, seemed to have reset the family dynamic.
In the back of my mind I knew it was all based on a lie. Well, a half-truth. I had already been through the treatment. I felt guilty I hadn’t told them about it beforehand. Since I could have died, but everything had worked out.
“Did you make sure you packed everything? Are you sure you don’t want me to make you a sandwich or anything for the road?” my mother asked me.
We were standing in the entryway. She hovered over me as I tied my shoes and finished getting ready to leave. I had the doorway propped open so I could see when the Uber driver arrived.
“Yes,” I sighed for the fourth time.
“All your schoolwork? Your laptop? Ham or turkey?” she continued unperturbed.
“I got it all.” I shook my head at her offer but couldn’t help a smile teasing the corners of my lips.
I knew she was excited that all of this might actually matter now and she couldn’t help reverting to her motherly role now that I was a part of the family again.
“Good, good,” She nodded and turned her head to the side to quickly wipe a tear.
“It’s going to be ok. I—the doctor seemed really hopeful this would work,” I said as I moved forward to hug her.
I felt her stifle a sob in my arms. I patted her awkwardly on the back.
“Take care, Ryan!” Emalee came bounding around the corner.
“Thought you weren’t even going to say goodbye!” I let go of my mother to give my sister a hug.
“Someone needs to make sure you actually leave!” she retorted.
“Looks like you’ve grown a little spoiled being an only child now!” I shot back.
“Car’s here,” my dad announced. “Are you three really standing here with the door open? You’re letting all the warm air out!”
“Dear…” My mother put a hand on his arm.
He shook his head but moved to grab my suitcase and load it in the car. I said a last goodbye to my mother and sister before attempting to follow my dad out. My mother barely let me go; I had to extract myself from her embrace.
“Everything’s going to be fine, really!” I called back to them as I made my way outside and down the driveway.
My dad was standing by the car waiting for me, suitcase already loaded.
“Thanks.” I nodded.
“Well,” He put a hand on my shoulder, “take care, Ryan. Keep us in the loop and let us know how the treatment goes.”
“I will.”
We stood there for a moment, neither moving. He stepped forward and gave me a quick hug before making his way back toward the house. At least I knew where my emotional development had been stunted. The car backed out of the driveway, its tires crunching on the worn pavement. All three of my family members stood on the front porch waving goodbye, the front door hanging open behind them.
“Headed back to school?” the driver asked me.
“Yeah,” I answered.
“You must be really close with your family. Most people don’t make that big of a deal out of it,” he stated.
“Yeah…” I nodded.
He got the hint I wasn’t in the mood for small talk. I felt a little bad about being short with him, so I decided I’d leave him a good tip. The drive to the bus stop wasn’t a long one, so my impoliteness didn’t make for too uncomfortable a drive. I got out of the car and set my backpack and suitcase on the empty bus bench.
“Hey, I think something’s wrong with my app?” I walked back to the car and held my phone out for him to see. It wasn’t asking for any payment.
“Nah, your old man took care of it back at the house,” he held up some cash before taking off.
I stood in the street and watched him go for a moment before returning to the bench. I sat there quietly and thought of home. This was the first time I could ever remember feeling homesick. The rumble of a diesel engine and squealing of the brakes announced the arrival of the bus. I watched as it sagged with a hiss on its air suspension. The door opened, and the driver hopped out to load my suitcase in the under carriage. I gave him my ticket and found an empty pair of seats. Not a difficult ask—there were barely any other passengers. I always wondered why no one took advantage of the cheap transportation they provided between small cities like the one from my home to my college. But then I realized I preferred more space to myself anyway, so it all worked out.
I spent the ride back to school quietly contemplating what was in front of me. I knew I was different now. That there was an entire world out there, unbeknownst to anyone, that I now belonged to. Or at least, that I could belong to. Was that where my future lay? With Holly? Or was I going to finish up community college, apply to a state school, get a degree, and have a normal career and family? The thought of all that didn’t sit right. Something I could imagine for someone else, my younger sister certainly, but not for me. There had to be more to life. The farther from home I traveled, the more the feelings of the morning began to fade. I was moving toward my future, one way or another.
The bus only stopped at one other small town before arriving at my destination. I got out and waited for the driver to retrieve my suitcase. The walk back to Tom’s place wasn’t very long, but the wheels on my suitcase hated the uneven pavement of the sidewalk. I eventually picked it up by the handle and carried it the rest of the way. It should have fatigued my arm by the time I arrived, but I felt just as fresh setting it down over the threshold as I had when I first hoisted it. That was one side effect of the virus that never got old.
“Tom?” I called into the house.
Silence was my answer. That was normal. It was rare for me to come home to just Tom in the house. It was either empty or full of random people. I tossed my bags on my bed with the same disregard my sister had shown. It was a very cheap laptop, after all. I sat on the edge of the bed, but quickly found I couldn’t stay still.
Excitement had won out over the melancholic feeling of being homesick. My family would always be there. As for right now? I didn’t know when I would see Holly again, or what it would mean for my future, but I knew it had to happen. They had invested too much into me to just let me walk away, right? Eventually Holly would resurface. She had to.