CHAPTER TWO
That Awkward Moment When…
I.
I rustled myself out a long nights sleep.It was 6am and coffee was sounding great.I’d been restless all night and dreamed horrifying dreams of blowing it with Adia.The previous night was a train-wreck.After I showed her my abs and Chuck donned his non-existent guns, we showed her the inside of the Frog Hopper.She was impressed with the ship until I accidentally ejected the pilots’ seat and it crashed through the ceiling of the Hopper and roof of the barn.Marco and Hastings came rushing into Fort Nog’s shouting “IT’S ON!” thinking there was some sort of attack. They were disappointed when they realized I had just goofed up.
Then things got uncomfortable when Chuck and I showed Adia ‘The Dungeon of Stuff’ – a large room on the bottom level of Fort Nog’s where we kept a whole bunch of artifacts from our missions, as well as detailed files regarding space and alien stuff.For example, this is where we kept the European Sphere Spear that Blorf had given me on Bethani.It was stored away in a glass box all by itself.Then, in a separate glass box, was the vile of dark blue goo that we’d intercepted at the space café.
So anyway, when we were down there, I tripped over the metal sewer drain in the center of the floor and fell forward, crashing my face directing into Chuck’s butt.It was so embarrassing.
Then to round out the tour, and make things even worse, Chuck’s pants just up and fell down with no explanation in the elevator!He thought he’d save some embarrassment by nervously saying “Going down?”Get it…pants…elevator...that really happened.
Both of our faces were flushed with warm redness by the time we parted ways with her for the night.It was a rough start with Adia, but hopefully it was nothing that we couldn’t rebound from.
Chuck, Phil and I had stayed in one of Nog’s extra bedrooms on the second floor of his house.Chuck and I shared the bed – which was a twin, so it was weird – and Phil opted for the floor.He didn’t use any kind of pillows or blankets though, so I thought he would be uncomfortable.Turns out, he looked to be getting the best sleep out of all of us.
I reached over and grabbed my phone from the nightstand and saw that I had a text from Mandy.It said: ‘Miss you’ with a little smiley face after it.With all this Adia business, I kept forgetting about Mandy.I know it wasn’t right to be attracted to Adia, seeing as how I was permanently stuck with Mandy for eternity, but it’s normal right?I mean for a 15-year-old dude?I mean, for crying out loud, I was attracted to the faceless mannequins at the mall!
I texted her back with pretty much the same exact thing, and then my coffee craving really started to kick in.I wondered if Nog would mind if I brewed a fresh pot.
II.
I quietly tiptoed down the creaky wooden staircase and into the living room.I slowly passed the mounted laser guns on the wall, the giant box TV in the corner, and the puke-green colored sofa sitting off-center in the middle of the room.
I started taking giant sly steps and let my hands dangle up high like a T-Rex, almost like the Grinch when he was stealing Christmas.I amused myself.If anyone could see me now, they’d be cracking up!
I took a few more giant tiptoe steps into the kitchen, not realizing that Nog, Farrow and Dr. Hix Blossom were all sitting around the kitchen table looking at me.I stopped dead in my tracks and felt an all too familiar heat wave nervously flush through my face.
“Were you walking like that the whole time?” Nog questioned me with a glass of orange juice in his hand.I didn’t know what to say.“What’s wrong with ya?” he added.
“Scout!Nice to see you again,” Dr. Hix Blossom said, standing to his feet and extending his hand.He looked sharp with his slicked back hair and dark blue suit.
“You too, sir,” I said, shaking back.“How have you been?”
“Crappy.My wife left me, I almost lost my job with the government because of some gambling thing – I lost a lot of respect with my fellow employees.I’m looking to make up a lot of ground with a quick, swift and flawless audit here at Fort Nog’s.I could use the break, if ya know what I mean.”
“I feel ya, brotha.” I tried to sympathize with him, but I couldn’t.I didn’t have enough life experience yet.
I pulled up a seat at the table as Hix sat back down.
“Nog, here,” Hix continued, “was just explaining to me that The Philclops is helping him write his memoirs.”
“All good men write memoirs,” Nog said, rubbing a smudge out of his glasses and then putting them back on.“I’m just one of them.”
“Have you decided on a title yet?” Farrow chimed in.I felt so grown up sitting at this table, listening to the three adults talk about stuff.
“I haven’t decided yet, but I promise you, it’ll be memorable. People will remember it forever...just like my story,” Nog said.
“We’ve had some times, haven’t we Ed,” Farrow smiled.
“Sure.”
I figured I’d toss in my two cents and act like an adult.I stood up, “I’m gonna brew some Joe.Who wants a fresh cup?”
“No, Scout!No coffee!Not with Dr. Hix around here,” Nog panicked.Farrow put his hand to his chest and caught his breath.Hix choked on his orange juice and some dribbled out onto the table.He grabbed his napkin and patted his lips dry.Jeez, they acted like I said I wanted to ignite some thrusters inside this beast or something.
“Why?” I asked.
“I’m allergic, Scout,” Hix said, straightening his tie from the choking ordeal.“You don’t want me to start sneezing up blood or anything, do you?”
“Of course not.”
“I’d appreciate it if you waited until I was out of the house before you brew that Joe, bro.”
I shook my head, still nervous from them all raising their voices at me.Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Chuck and Phil enter the kitchen.
“What’s for breakfast?” Phil asked.“I hope it’s hot cakes.”
“You boys are free to use the kitchen for breakfast,” Nog said standing up and adjusting his tie.“Farrow and I are going to take Dr. Hix into Fort Nog’s so he can prepare for the audit.Eat a quick meal and meet us out there with Adia in about twenty minutes.”
We all said “Ok” as Hix dropped his napkin to the floor by mistake.
“Let me get that for you,” Nog said, bending his fragile body over to pick the item up.We heard his back crack in about six different places, followed by a pretty obvious extended puttering sound.Nog stood back up fast, without the napkin, and the entire room got quiet.We all knew what just happened, but no one wanted to call the old man out.Expect Phil…
“That awkward moment when Nog farted…” Phil said.
The entire room exploded in laughter.
III.
Philclops threw some bacon on the stove and Chuck started the scrambling of the eggs.I told them that I’d go upstairs and get Adia for some breakfast.I crept up the stairs and down the hallway, normally this time in case someone was watching, and knocked on the closed door at the end of the hall.
“One second!” Adia called out from inside the room.
“Okay, I’ll just wait here,” I said, not sure if I should have said anything at all.A few moments later, Adia opened the door.She looked awesome – long blonde hair, jean shorts again, white tank top – she was all of my dreams combined into one thing.
She smiled, “Is that breakfast I smell?”
“Yeah, eggs and bacon.I mean, bacon and eggs.I mean…” I trailed off and Adia waited for me to correct myself again, but I didn’t.I wasn’t even wrong to begin with!What was going on with me?
“Okay…let’s eat then,” she said.
The four of us sat around the kitchen table as we ate.No one said much – it was kind of awkward. A girl in our midst seemed to throw off the balance of the universe. The only sounds were of forks clinking on plates, or slurping sips of orange juice and coffee.Chuck and I were the only ones drinking the dark stuff.
Marco came in through the back door with his laser gun slung over this shoulder, and grabbed a sloppy piece of bacon off the plate in the middle of the table.He slurped it up like spaghetti.“Needs salt.”
“The bacon needs salt?” Phil asked, kind of annoyed.
“Yeah, and lots of it.Salt fixes everything,” Marco said.“Hey, you got a problem, put some salt on it!I’m telling you!”
“I can’t even think of a single instance in which that’d be right, Marco,” Phil said.
Marco picked up and slurped another slice of bacon.“Nog’s waiting for ya’s.”
Marco led us out through the yard, across the driveway and to the barn.It was a colder morning than it’d been lately.The sun was just out of reach behind the clouds, and the spring birds sung sweet tunes of, well, spring.
Hastings stood by the barn entrance and opened the doors for us.Marco continued to lead the four of us in.When we entered, we saw Farrow sitting behind a small desk with some sort of logbook laid out in front of him.Professor Nog and Dr. Hix stood behind him.This was new.
“Sign your names, please,” Farrow said, handing me a pen.
“Why?” I asked.
“This is the first change that I’m making here at Fort Nog’s,” Dr. Hix announced, holding his clipboard tightly against his side.“All visitors or employees coming in, or out, of Fort Nog’s, has to sign the sheets.That way we know at all times who’s in this place.We can keep track of people this way.”
“Radar and Jakon were a huge security breach back in December,” Nog added.“We can’t have that again.”
I signed my name on the log sheet, as did Chuck, Phil and Adia.I saw that Nog and Hix had already signed in above us.
“Now, we can begin,” Hix said.
IV.
We followed Nog and Hix through the entire fort, room by room, as Hix addressed concerns here and there, noticed harmless leaks from the pipes along the ceiling, asked what certain things were or were used for, and questioned the security systems.
I kept shooting Adia glances every time I could get away with it.I liked looking at her, and I think I was going to like working with her.After the audit, her training could begin, and I was hoping to be her mentor.
“What the heck is that stuff?” Hix said out loud, interrupting my latest Adia daydream.We all looked into the corner of the room and saw mildew on the wall.
“Just a little ‘dew’,” Nog said, jogging over to it, his white lab coat flapping as he dashed.He rubbed it out with the sleeve of his coat.“See, it’s not even there anymore.”
Hix smiled and nodded and made a giant check mark in the correct box on the papers.“Good save, Ed.Good save.”
We all stood around as Hix marked up his papers a little more.Adia was growing impatient and decided to speak up.
“How many artifacts have you guys collected over the years?” she asked. “My dad was never really sure.”
“A lot, darling,” Nog said.“We can always go down to the Dungeon of Stuff now if you want?”
“Yeah, Ed, let’s do that.Just get that out of the way now,” Hix said.
The six of us rode the elevator down to the Dungeon of Stuff.We walked into a large open room that narrowed into a hallway lined with glass boxes on either side of it.
In the open room portion of the Dungeon, there were long tables with trash all over them; crumbled papers, pen caps, ink cartridges, soda cans, random strips of fish jerky, etc.
“What’s the meaning of all this crap, Nog?” Hix shouted.
“Darn it, Maxwell!” Nog shouted out.He was referring to Maxwell Ferguson – a really scruffy, dirty employee who was ironically in charge of keeping the place clean.Nog walked back to the wall near the elevator and pressed and held down the intercom button.“Maxwell Ferguson, report to the Dungeon of Stuff, please!”
Nog sounded irritated.
“This is disappointing, Ed.It’s a disaster down here,” Hix said, taking notes.
“Wait, don’t jot stuff down just yet, Hix!I’ll get this mess all picked up!We can’t afford a bad audit!”
“This audit was going flawlessly, Nog.I can’t imagine a more disgusting way to make me mad.The boys in Washington are going to throw a fit!This is suppose to be the cleanest room in the whole Fork!”
“Fork?” Adia leaned in and whispered to me.
I whispered back, “He meant Fort.He just stumbled over his words.”
Philclops leaned into the whisper session.“You guys whispering?”
Adia walked away, shaking her head.I shot Phil an angry look.Adia and I were bonding, and he ruined it!I couldn’t believe my friends were messing everything up for me.
A door against the wall, with the word ‘Break room’ tagged above it, opened and Maxwell walked out from inside it, holding a Styrofoam cup in his hand.“You called, Professor?”
This guy was a complete mess.He had a curly black afro (he was white by the way), had a matted and gross black beard and mustache combo with gray highlights.He smelled like a rotten apple core, and under his mandatory white lab coat, he was wearing a red V-neck shirt with a silver chain laying on top of his exposed, bushy chest hairs.
“Huh?!” Maxwell exclaimed out of nowhere.He was, by nature, a confused human being.
“Nog,” Hix began as his eyes widened upon seeing Maxwell, “what is this?!” Hix pointed directly at Maxwell.
“This is Maxwell Ferguson, sir.He’s the one who messed up this audit.If you have anger, take it out on him!” Nog shouted.
“I don’t have anger, Nog,” Hix said. “Just aggressive disappointment.” He took a deep breath and gathered his thoughts.“Kids, go sit in the break room while I finish up down here.Scout, you stay with us.Maxwell, pick this crap up.”
Chuck, Phil and Adia walked into the break room and I followed Nog and Hix towards the narrow hallway.I looked back over my shoulder and I saw Maxwell set his Styrofoam cup on the table as he started to pick up all the loose trash.
“I’m hoping I’m impressed by your artifacts Nog,” Hix said. “You need a good rebound right about now.”
Nog started sweating nervously and loosened his tie.
We started on the left side of the hallway and looked in each glass showcase box.A lot of the artifacts were things that Nog and Farrow had collected before I was even involved with the EIA.
There was a stone, bright red in color, which was recovered on one of Nog’s earlier missions.There was a Frooginite helmet, a laser weapon of some kind and a few other interesting things before we hit the stuff that I knew of.
“This is interesting,” Hix said, tapping on the glass to the European Sphere Spear.“What is this?”
“That,” I said, “is a Sphere Spear from the planet Bethani.It was given to me by one of the native creatures of the planet, the Norfits.His name was Blorf.We helped save his life at the time - so he gave this to me as a gift.It has powers and abilities, but we’re still not sure exactly how to use it.”
“I like the purple sphere on top,” Hix said. “It’s pretty cool.”
Dr. Hix Blossom then turned around and faced the other wall of glass showcase boxes.He leaned in close to look at the next item – the vile of dark blue goo we picked up at the space café.
“Ah, I remember this stuff.Refresh my memory, Scout.”
“Upon heading towards the Behemoth over Christmas break, we stumbled upon a space café.We stopped in to investigate, and somehow got caught up in a deal-gone-wrong.The alien that worked there told us to stash this stuff as two other brute aliens came in looking for it.A fight broke out and we escaped with the goo before the whole place exploded.”
“Do we know what this blue goo does yet, Nog?” Hix asked.
“No.We don’t even know what kind of experiments to do on it yet.I’ll probably bust out some test tubes soon though.”
“Cool.It’s a very mysterious item,” Hix said.
We then moved onto the next glass box – which was empty.We looked around but couldn’t think of what was supposed to be in there. Maybe nothing? None of us could remember.
“Hey Maxwell, come here a minute,” Nog called.Maxwell grabbed his cup off the table and walked down the narrow hallway towards us, taking a sip.
“What goes in this box, son?” Hix asked.
“Oh, um, I don’t see a thing even in there,” he said.We were all stunned by his stupidity.
“Of course not, ya boob!” Nog said and slapped Maxwell across the back of the head.
“Ow, Nog.God…” Maxwell said, rubbing the back of his head with one hand, and taking another sip from his cup with the other.
Hix suddenly gagged and coughed.
“You okay, my brotha?” Nog asked, softly patting Hix on the back.
“Yeah,” he said, “just caught a gag.”Hix sniffed the air and his eyes started to water.“I don’t feel so well – it just came over me.”
“You should sit down, Hix,” I said, coming to his aid.“Do you need some water?”
“Or some coffee? This stuff will wake you up, bro,” Maxwell said holding out his Styrofoam cup full of coffee.I knew something smelled good down here!
“That’s…coffee?” Hix said as he stared into the ominous blackness of the drink.“My God, Maxwell, what have you done!”
Hix dropped his clipboard and hunched over, coughing.
“Darn it, Maxwell!” Nog said and slapped his across the back of the head again.The impact made Maxwell drop his cup, and the dark roast splashed and spilled everywhere.Some of it even splashed onto Hix’s suit pants.
“No!Get it away from me!” Hix yelled.All the coughing and commotion brought Chuck, Phil and Adia out of the break room.They rushed to the narrow hallway and watched as Hix began to swell in the face, neck, ears and fingers; it was a weird combination of swelling.I think I even saw his neck leaking…
“Oh my God!” I heard Adia scream as she covered her eyes.Hix leaned back and let out at gigantic sneeze – like, world record breaking.The sheer force of the thing launched Hix back into the glass box that held the dark blue goo.The glass showcase shattered and the vile hit the floor, also shattering.The blue goo oozed out onto the floor, and immediately showed a chemical reaction when exposed to our air.The goo began to pulsate and then grew three times its size really fast.
“Everyone get back!” Nog shouted and forced us kids back into the open room.Maxwell stood there and panicked.Hix sneezed again and launched himself back into the wall.The blue goo shot up into the air and mashed up against Hix’s chest.
“Maxwell, get out of there!” Nog shouted, but he remained still, frozen in fear.I raced back down the hall and grabbed Maxwell by his lab coat and pulled him to safety.
We watched from a distance as the blue goo slowly engulfed Hix’s entire body until there was none of him left to see.The gooey shape, formally of Dr. Hix Blossom, was wiggling like Jell-O.The body collapsed to the floor where the goo then started to slither towards us.
“Move!” I yelled as I herded the group back towards the elevator door.
The squirmy, gooey nightmare blob slithered out into the open room in our direction and stopped over the metal sewer drain in the center of the floor.It started to melt or something, as the goo became more of a liquid, and drained itself down into the pipes, leaving behind absolutely no sign of it.
After the screaming stopped, it left the Dungeon of Stuff in an eerie and silent state.There was nothing to be said.Everyone was shocked and stunned and horrified.Did we all just witness that?No one knew what to say…except Phil:
“That awkward moment when Hix goes down the drain…”