CHAPTER SIX
Gadzooks!
I.
The Frog Hopper came to a complete stop as it rested in the cargo bay. We heard the large door close and clamp shut behind us. It was quiet in my ship. Chuck unlatched himself from his seat and leaned forward, looking out the windshield. I saw exactly what he saw.
There were about six of the green butt aliens from Bethani, Blorf’s species, armed with laser rifles and dressed in extremely tight black jumpsuits. I’m talking really tight – as in it left nothing to the imagination, butt-wise. They all started to gather around the ship with their guns held out in front of them.
“What do we do now?” Phil asked, leaning over my shoulder.
“We kick butt,” I said. “But we have to be cool about this. Phil, reach into my backpack there and give me my Mini Frog.”
Phil unzipped my backpack and started rummaging around in there, but eventually stopped. “What’s a Mini Frog?” he asked.
“Just give me the bag,” I said, tearing it from his grip. I searched it and pulled out a tiny, palm-sized laser pistol. I grabbed a roll of duct tape from the bag and taped the Mini Frog onto my butt.
“Ok, guys, they are gonna probably confiscate our weapons,” I said. “Then, out of nowhere, I’ll rip this from my butt and blast our way to freedom.”
“Are you sure that’s a smart move, Scout?” Chuck asked.
“It’s the smartest, trust me. Now, arm yourself so it doesn’t look suspicious.”
Chuck armed himself with this P2 phaser and I armed my laser phaser. The butt aliens started shouting at us in an aggressive manner, so I knew it was time.
I pressed a button on the dash and the rear ramp on the Frog Hopper lowered. The three of us made our way down it, where we were immediately surrounded.
“Drop ‘em! Drop ‘em now!” one of the aliens shouted.
“Drop ‘em!” another one needlessly added.
I slowly placed my gun on the floor ahead of me. Chuck, even though he didn’t want to, did the same with his awesome new piece.
“You! Where’s your weapon of mass destruction?” one of the aliens shouted at Phil.
“What’s up, dude,” Phil said to the alien. “I’m not packing.”
“Secure that one!” an alien instructed his men. Two of the tight-suited green butt aliens dashed over behind me and grabbed Phil by his arms.
Phil uncomfortably laughed, “This is weird.”
There was a moment of unnerving silence, as it seemed nobody knew what to do next. I scratched my eyebrow because of an itch, and one of the aliens freaked out.
“Don’t move!” he shouted, forcing his gun towards me.
“Hey…” one of the creatures that had restrained Phil behind me said, “this one has something on his butt!”
I assumed they were talking about me.
“Don’t touch it, it may be contagious,” another one said.
“Is it inflamed?” another said, lowering his gun and walking towards me. Okay, it was time for sure.
“Hit the deck, boys!” I shouted as I reached for my butt and ripped the Mini Frog off. Chuck and Phil both crash-landed to the cold metal floor and I knelt down and blasted the creatures, one by one. The four in front of me dropped dead, steaming from their wounds. I swung around and blasted the other two and they were launched backwards, off the ground, and slammed against the Frog Hopper before falling still on the floor.
“Dude that looked so real!” Phil said, standing to his feet.
“Cause it was.”
Chuck stood up with his P2 phaser and I shoved the Mini Frog in one of my front pockets. I picked up my laser rifle and walked back to the Frog Hopper and up the ramp.
“Phil, we have to arm you to the teeth. C’m here,” I said.
Phil and Chuck came back into the ship and we suited up. Chuck and I both threw our backpacks on and I gave Phil one of the extra laser rifles.
“Now, we have to find out where they are keeping my Uncle Jones,” I said. “He’s priority number one. Number two is to destroy Radar, Jakon and Homeless Harry. Any questions?”
Phil raised his hand. “Are you going to your brother’s gig at Bowling Buddies tomorrow night?”
Baffled, I answered Phil. “Yeah, I think so. Why?”
“Just wondering,” he said. “It should be fun.”
I shook off the randomness and lead the way back down the ramp. “Follow me, stay close and do as I say, fellas.”
II.
We walked through a door that took us to a long corridor. The floor was grated, the ceiling was sort of low, and there was black and yellow caution tape all over the walls. I led the way and the three of us slowly made our way down the hall.
“Radar must have enslaved those poor chumps to be his minions,” Chuck said.
“I thought Harry said that they had exterminated the race?”
“Obviously he kept some around.”
Chuck and I were walking like we were constantly on guard. Both of our hands were gripped tightly to our weapons and are eyes were shifting around, looking for anything. Phil, on the other hand, was walking upright behind Chuck, holding his rifle down to his side like it was no big deal.
“Phil, you have to be in a position like ours. Like, you need to look like your on a mission, not just casually walking around a Walgreens,” I said.
“Oh, ok,” Phil said, hunching down a bit and holding his gun in both hands. “Do you guys have any gum? I’m starving.”
“No, Phil, no gum,” I said. “Let’s just keep moving.”
At the end of the hall, we came to a large glass door. We hit the wall and I slowly peeked through the door. There were three green-butt aliens sitting around a table, playing cards. Behind them I noticed a computer screen that seemed to have blueprints on it. Blueprints of the ship perhaps?
“Okay, boys,” I whispered, “we need to see the computer in the back of this room. But there are a few aliens in here we need to knock off first. Any suggestions?”
“Yeah,” Chuck said, “watch this…”
Chuck lifted his P2 phaser and stormed past me and faced the glass door. “Hey! Ya’ll wanna get mashed?”
I heard the aliens scramble inside, but it was too late. Chuck held down the trigger and swayed his gun from side to side, spraying lasers into the room. The glass door shattered and Chuck let off the trigger.
We let the last piece of glass hit the floor before we raided the room.
“That was a good line, Chuck,” I said. “I need some cool ones too.”
“Thanks, bro.”
The three of us gathered around the computer and used the keyboard to scroll through the blueprints. I studied it carefully and finally found what I was looking for.
There was a room on the fourth level of the ship called ‘Captured Suckers’. That had to be where they were keeping Uncle Jones.
“Alright, guys, let’s get to level four,” I said. We ran back into the hallway and right across from us was a freight elevator. I pressed the button and the door opened. We walked inside and rode it up to the fourth floor.
III.
When the elevator door opened, it opened in the wrong place at the wrong time. We were standing there as about ten green-butt aliens faced us with their guns aimed in our direction.
“Aw, crap,” I said.
One of the aliens stepped forward. “Drop your weapons and come with us. You’re captured now.”
“You can’t tell me what to do,” I said.
“Under the order of Lord Radar the Great, all three of you are hereby under cosmic arrest. Now drop ‘em!”
Okay, I’ll let them have their fun. They arrest us, take us to the Captured Suckers room, and then we’d be in a position to save Uncle Jones.
I dropped my gun, and Chuck and Phil followed my lead. We all put our hands up, cause that’s what seemed appropriate, and three of the alien guards grabbed us.
“Move!” one of them said, pushing the barrel of his gun into my lower back. The aliens forced my team down the hallway and through a few sets of doors. We crossed a large open room and eventually made it to the Captured Suckers room.
The door slid open and the three creatures forced us in there.
“I’ll be back with your rope and mouth gags in a few minutes,” one of the aliens said. The three of them left the room and the door slid shut, locking into place.
I looked around the room and saw a few green-butt aliens strapped to the walls in chains. They must have been traitors or something. Then, in the far corner, I saw my Uncle.
We raced over to him and saw he had been stripped down to his underwear, and his hands and legs were tied up. His head was hung low.
“Uncle Jones?” I said.
His head lifted up quickly and he smiled, not expecting to see me. “Scout! Scout you’re here!” he shouted, excited. “You’re here?” He then became confused. “What’s going on here? Where are we? How’d you get here? Why do those creatures wear such tight clothes? It’s frightening.”
“We came here to save you, man,” I said.
“Scout, what’s going on here?”
I proceed to explain everything to him from the beginning. Chuck added his own sound effects as I described action scenes from the Bethani mission.
“But you have to promise not to tell anyone, man. Not even my mom. This is top secret stuff we got going on here,” I concluded with.
“Your secret is safe with your old Uncle U.J. Now let’s somehow get out of here.”
I knelt down and untied my Uncle from his knots and I helped him to his feet.
“I’m gonna need some clothes,” Uncle Jones said.
Right then, the door slid back open and one of the aliens rushed in, out of breath. He made sure the door locked behind him and then he faced us, pointing his long green finger directly at me.
“Scout! What in Gadzooks name are you doing here?” he shouted.
What did he mean…wait a minute…could it be? “Blorf?” I cried.
“Yeah, it’s me! Why are you guys back here in space?”
“How are you alive?” I asked, ignoring his question.
“My God, Blorf,” Chuck added, “We watched you die! You died!”
“Yeah, only for like a couple hours though,” Blorf said. “I have the ability to regenerate damaged tissue. After my organ and skin creepily grew back to normal, I was captured by the Frooginites and enslaved for all eternity.”
Wow. I couldn’t believe our oldest pal in the universe was still alive and kicking!
“Can you help us?” I asked.
“Of course I can, Scout, what kind of freaky dumb question is that?”
Blorf typed in the secret code on the door mount and the door opened. He waved us on, and the four of us followed him back out into the large open room.
“Your weapons are on that table,” he said, pointing us in the right direction.
Chuck, Phil and I grabbed what was rightfully ours and readied ourselves.
“What about me, guys?” Uncle Jones said, standing there in his underwear.
“Just stay close, dude. Let us pros handle this,” Phil said, not even close to being a pro.
“Just follow us,” I told him.
Blorf led us back out into the main corridor on the fourth level. I looked up and down the hall and noticed that scattered about were about a dozen red doors. I almost asked what they were for, but Blorf quickly pulled us into a huddle to discuss a game plan.
“Okay, I’m gonna do the best I can to help you, but I can only do so much so the others don’t think I’m a traitor.”
We were listening. Blorf continued:
“Lord Radar the Great is on the level right above us, chillaxin’ in his lair. The room is heavily guarded by a couple of Frooginites. Now, he has a couple henchmen too; some idiot named Jakon and another buffoon named Harry. I don’t know where they are, so be careful while you’re sneaking around in here.”
“Thanks, bro,” I said, shaking Blorf’s hand. Chuck shook it too and Phil saluted the green guy. Uncle Jones stood back, embarrassed about his underwear. He just nervously smiled at Blorf.
Blorf scurried away down the hall and out of view. It was time to get this show on the road.
“Professor, we got my uncle. Were moving out!”
Scout…I’ve been looking through this ‘Operation Behemoth’ folder you stole from Jakon’s store. There’s something really interesting in here. Something you might want to know about. Let me tell you what it is. Are you listening? Here’s the thing-
Before Nog could ever get out the big news, there was shouting coming from up ahead in the hall which drowned out the sound of Nog’s voice.
“Hold that thought, Nog,” I said and my team and I armed ourselves and faced forward. Up ahead, it was Homeless Harry with two Slimeborgs on either side of him.
“You’re all screwed now!” Harry called out.
“What makes you so sure?” I yelled back.
“Cause of these…” Harry put his arms up and showed off his borgs. We’d already seen them. “And there’s plenty more where they came from.”
I raised my gun, aimed real quick and fired a beam that blew right through one of their heads. The head shattered and green slime splashed on the wall. I aimed to the other one and did the same. The borg shattered and hit the floor.
Homeless Harry didn’t know what to do next.
“Piece of cake, Dumpster Breath!” I yelled, hoping that was a good line. I got a small laugh out of Chuck, and an irritated sigh from Phil.
Harry pointed straight at me and said: “You asked for it! When these Slimeborgs get done with you, you’ll have X’s where your eyes should be!”
Harry then lifted a small radio device that was strapped to his belt and spoke into it. “Release them…”
Upon Harry’s command, all of the red doors in the corridor opened at the same time and swarms of Slimeborgs emerged; their single red eyes were glowing bright and the green slime that filled their clear electrical bodies swished back and forth inside of them.
“Holy!” is all I could get out before adding, “Shoot!”
I aimed my gun straight ahead and began shooting lasers at all the borgs I could focus on. Green slime sprayed up into the air and covered the walls and ceiling.
To my left, Chuck was firing his P2 phaser straight ahead along with me. I could see him grinding his teeth as he pulled back hard on the trigger. I turned around quickly to see what Phil was up to. I just stood there as a swarm of borgs was approaching us from behind.
“Phil, shoot, man!” I yelled as I aimed my gun past him and blew away a couple more. Phil then decided to lift his gun and wildly pop off a few beams. They weren’t hitting anything.
I looked down and noticed Uncle Jones down on his knees, crying in his boxers. He looked pathetic.
“Scout, check this out!” Chuck yelled at me. I turned around to see a group of Slimeborgs lifting their weaponized arms and getting ready to open fire on us. Chuck flipped a tiny switch near the trigger of his P2 and then pulled back to release a giant burst of plasma. It shot down the hall at the borgs and it exploded on impact. A fireball came rolling towards us and we all ducked for cover. I could feel the flames singeing off some of my hairs.
I looked past Phil and saw about a dozen more Slimeborgs coming our way. They lifted their arms and began to spray a barrage of lasers in our direction.
“Chuck!” I yelled, and he knew what to do. He knelt down, swung around and pulled the P2 trigger again, sending another ball of plasmatic energy spiraling down the hall and blowing up the flock of borgs. We shielded ourselves from the flames and slimy debris once more and then the excitement finally calmed down.
The four of us stood to our feet and looked down either side of the hall. There were bits of flaming Slimeborg scattered all around. I noticed that Homeless Harry was gone. He must have made his escape during all the commotion.
A door next to me opened and Chuck and I quickly aimed our guns to it, but saw it was just Blorf. He looked into the hall, seeing battlefield.
“What was all that noise?” he asked.
IV.
We regrouped in the room that Blorf had emerged from. Sweat was pouring down my face, mainly from the intense heat of the firefight.
Uncle Jones sat in the corner of the room, unable to sport anything but his boxers and a small hair covered gut. I could tell he was overwhelmed.
“Uncle Jones,” I said, “it’s too dangerous to drag you around this ship with us. I need you to stay in the room while we go kill everyone. We’ll come back for you before we get back on the Frog Hopper.”
“You’re just going to leave me here?”
“I’ll stay with him,” Blorf bravely volunteered to hang back and not involve himself in any other battles. “Since I’m one of them, I’ll be able to keep a good eye on this uncle of yours and move him to safer locations if need be.”
I nodded. That was a good plan.
“Chuck, Phil and I will head out and try to make contact with Radar and his goons,” I said. “Nog, are you there?”
I’m here.
“What were you about to tell us before we went into battle?”
I was going to say that that ship is supposedly filled with these Slimeborg characters. Be careful and watch your backs, boys.
If there was ever a good moment to face-palm, this was it. “Thanks, Nog. We’ll keep that in mind.”
I walked for the door and Chuck followed. Phil stayed put. I looked at him as the sliding door to the room opened. “You coming Phil?”
“Uh, I think I better stay here,” he said. “You saw me freeze up out there. You saw me shoot at nothing. I don’t know if I’d be any help to you.”
“Of course you will, man,” I said walking back to him and patting him on the shoulder. “You’re part of my team. My team doesn’t quit. My team wins…all the time. I’m not letting you get lazy on me.”
“Scout,” Chuck interrupted me, “let him stay. He’s obviously not comfortable with this. He doesn’t have our training. What if something happens?”
“Shut up, Chuck. He’s coming and that’s final. Gear up, Philly.”
I walked back to the door and it slid open and I left the room. No one’s quitting on my watch.