Chapter 8 departures
Jordeen was always a happy, giggly baby. She lived with her mom on an orchard farm on Ryloth. She was never concerned by not knowing her biological father, as her curiosity never went beyond the hologram she had of him and her mother together. Her mother never really talked about the past and she didn’t pry. There was enough in the present to keep her busy. Helping mom to artificially pollinate plants and gathering crops took up most of her time, which didn’t ease up when they finally had enough income to hire seasonal help. It was not a huge farm, just big enough to meet their needs. The worst memory she had of the farm, before her mother married her step father, was falling from a tree, but as with everything, even that event had a mixture of blessings. The fall was perfect. It gave her great insight into the variability of time, because as she was falling, time altered so that everything happened in slow motion. She fell from a fairly decent height, even tumbled once, remembering seeing ground, then sun dripping through the branches like rain. She hit a branch with such impact, directly above her heart, that it stopped her heart from beating, and sent her groundwards face down. The next branch she hit clipped her heel and flipped her face up, so that she landed on the ground, flat on her back. Her mother and the hired hands came running. Jordeen could see them from outside her body, trying to revive her. The amount of clarity she had was surreal, but she was neither afraid nor concerned. That was something that struck her immediately. She was calm, as if there was light embracing her, comforting her. And then, suddenly, she saw her body coughing and sitting up, and then she returned to her normal perspective of things.
That was the moment her life had changed. The first noticeable change was she saw auras. She didn’t know they were auras at that time, she just knew that everything living she encountered had a specific and persistent radiation. Even some nonliving things had light, but it was barely detectable, and only at night, and usually only when she was on the verge of falling asleep, which was pleasant enough, like drifting to sleep on a cool, ocean of glowing pastel.
The second thing that happened was she started having orgasms. At first, it was kind of interesting. They were intense, spontaneous, with no one specific trigger. It made her laugh. She and her mother made up a label for it. They called it ‘turn over.’ Scratching her back against a tree caused her to turn over. Diving into the lake caused her to turn over. Riding in the hovercraft was one long, continuous turn over, so much so that she took up walking as her preferred method of travel. Though walking was better than riding, in terms of less stimulation, it was not perfect. She had to be careful of what she wore, less just the act of walking and the movement of fabric against her caused her to turn over. The novelty quickly wore off when she began to realize just how debilitating it was. She could no longer go comfortably into public places, not without risking embarrassment with each episode. Though she knew it was likely no one knew why she was laughing, it was always a spectacle and it frequently drew an audience. Whether people were watching or not, her paranoia grew and she couldn’t help but imagine people were gawking at her. She started isolating. She became depressed, and would linger in bed for long hours trying not to move. She would lie for hours trying to force herself back out of her body, trying to experience what she had felt while she was dead. She started cutting on her arms, hoping the pain wold diminish her pleasure response. The cutting started off as superficial, short, lines that were put close together, but they became deeper and longer with time.
It wasn’t until Jordeen tried to take her own life by overdosing on pills that her mother took a more active role in her daughter’s misfortune. Because her daughter had always been healthy and also because her daughter was of a mixed species she had never taken her to a medical facility. The latter had been justified because the medical staff fell to one of two extreme: they either wanted nothing to do with her treatment because she was mixed and a liability, or they were overly enthusiastic because they wanted to experiment on her. Her mom sat by her daughter’s side day and night with constant vigilance to make sure the staff was caring for her appropriately. She was the first one Jordeen saw when she finally awoke. She was still groggy after having her stomache pumped, but she knew her mother had been there the whole time, even without noticing the circles under her mom’s eyes from lack of sleep.
Jordeen sighed, tears rolling down.
“I can’t do anything right.”
“Fortunately for you you’re incompetent on top of stupid,” her step father said, standing from the far side of the room.
“No one understands,” Jordeen said, not looking at either of them.
“What’s to understand?” the step father said.
“I wish I had your problem.” Jordeen closed her eyes.
“Would you leave the room, Kip,” Her mother told her husband.
“Her biggest problem is you cater too much to her,” the step dad said, before departing the room.
There was a quiet after he left. A quiet that included the beeping of medical computers.
“Honey, maybe there is a medical explanation. Maybe we can stop the turnovers, or at least reduce them,” mom said.
“At least, let’s explore this option together before doing anything else that might end your life.”
Jordeen nodded.
The condition was called persistent genital arousal disorder, or PGAD. At one time it was called persistent sexual arousal syndrome, or restless genital syndrome, but with each new edition of the diagnostic manual, things tended to change. Sometimes conditions came or went based on the potential availability of pharmaceutical interventions. There was none for this condition, and it might have been dropped completely because of its rarity, but because enough people were apparenly fascinated, or titillated, by the possibility, it was kept in the medical literature. The condition, which tended to affect females more than males, consisted of spontaneous, persistent, and uncontrollable genital arousal resulting in orgasm unrelated to any feelings of sexual desire. Though it was listed in the medical literature, it was also listed in the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental health, which brought its own series of misapplied labels. This bothered Jordeen.
“I’m not crazy,” Jordeen argued.
“Of course not,” the doctor said, smiling.
“Just lucky.”
“You don’t understand,” Jordeen sighed, wishing people would stop making a joke about the condition being ‘fornutate.’ That alone simply increased her desire for isolating.
“After the first couple of turnovers after waking, it stops being pleasurable. It’s painful. The release with each consecutive turnover is not from pleasure, but from pain. I’m suffering. I have anywhere from fifty to two hundred in a day and I can’t do anything. I can’t concentrate on school work. I can’t finish my chores. I can’t travel. I can barely breathe! It’s ruining my life.”
“Well, there is really nothing we can do about it,” the doctor said.
“I’ve only read of this condition in human populations and even they don’t have a cure for it. More than likely, this is a result of you being a Twi’lek human hybrid. The condition is unnatural because you are unnatural.”
“You’re saying my daughter is a freak?” the mom asked.
“Yes, as is her condition. She shouldn’t be. Yes, yes, I’ve heard of mixing of species happening, but it’s like a one in a trillion chance that a pregnancy takes, and then a million to one that you get past the first trimester. She shouldn’t be,” the doctor said.
“That said, other than the condition, she is remarkably healthy, which is something I’m interested in. Would you mind if I study her?”
“I think we’re done here,” her mom said.
“Could I at least have a sample of blood?” the doctor asked.
“I think you’ve gotten all the labs you’re going to get from us,” her mother said, pulling her daughter out of the room and slamming the door. Jordeen laughed and then burst into tears.
“We’re not giving up yet,” her mother said.
It wasn’t a week later that Jordeen heard her mother and stepfather arguing.
“This has become a distraction. Send her to a boarding school and let them deal with her.”
“We’re not sending her away.”
“I can’t bring my clients here without her laughter distracting us and it’s embarrassing to explain what’s going on,” he said.
“Then take your business elsewhere,” mom said.
“Send her to the temple and let her become a nun,” the step dad said.
“Maybe she can learn some spiritual practices to purify her mind.”
“She doesn’t need purifying,” mom said.
“The hell she doesn’t! You can’t have that many orgasms and not need purifying,” he argued.
“I’m not sending her to a nunnery,” mom snapped.
“Either she goes, or I go,” he said.
Jordeen stepped in.
“Maybe a change in environment would help, mom,” Jordeen said.
“Nothing I’m doing here is working.”
Mom sighed and together they chose a school, as opposed to a temple, and Jordeen went. Before a week had gone by, Jordeen was kicked out of school and sent home, as she was too much of a distraction.
“I told you she needed to go to the temple!” stepfather said.
“Mom, let me try the temple. Meditation is supposed to be good for calming the mind,” Jordeen said.
“Honey, I think you’re wanting to go to make my life easier, not yours,” mom said.
“I don’t want anyone to see me like this. It will be safe and quiet, at the temple,” Jordeen said.
With that, Jordeen went to the temple of vihara, ‘the order of the light.’ The first meditation, which was a group meditation, was a complete disaster, as she probably laughed a dozen times. Of course, the first laugh was muffled, as she tried to contain it, but the more she tried to contain it, the harder it came, till finally she was practically sobbing on the floor. And the laughter was contagious, but not in the same way it affected Jordeen herself. One of the nuns, a sister Albeta escorted Jordeen back to her room.
“What is the meaning of this? You know how serious the order takes their meditation?” Albeta asked.
Jordeen nodded and started crying. She explained her condition, how it started, how it seemed so pleasant being dead, and now, every waking moment was sheer agony. She openly admitted to wanting to die.
Albeta hugged her.
“We will work on this together,” Albeta said.
“I will teach you the ways of the Force, and you can bring this under control.”
“Really?”
“You believe in the Force, don’t you?” Albeta asked.
“I’m not sure,” Jordeen said.
“But you’ve experienced it firsthand. You’ve been in the Light,” Albeta said.
“We’re all in the light, everyday, even at night,” Jordeen said.
Albeta bowed.
“You’ve been touched by the Force. It is not an accident that you are here.”
“Thank you,” Jordeen said.
“For what, dear?” Albeta asked.
“For giving me hope that things might be different,” Jordeen said, crying. She hugged Albeta for a long moment.
“There, there, child, I’ve got you,” Albeta said.
♫♪►
Albeta taught Jordeen specific meditative practices that helped curb her turnovers and after about a month, she got them down to about twelve a day. That alone encouraged Jordeen, as she was able to return to studying. She spent most of her time isolated, either in her room or in the library, and since Alberta had kept her condition a secret, everyone simply thought she was a very content young lady, serious about her studies. Once the turnovers had been reduced, Albeta taught her yoga, in the privacy of her own quarters, in case any of the poses should result in spontaneous laughter. Strengthening her body and learning to breathe also helped her keep her condition in check, but it didn’t eliminate it. In fact, getting in shaped, accompanied with the meditative practices, tended to enhance the experience, making the turnovers, though reduced in numbers, more potent. It was a tradeoff she could tolerate.
After a couple of months, Albeta decided it was time for Jordeen to learn to leave her body at will.
“You’ve already done this once, during the accident. Now it’s time to do it by choice.”
“I’m afraid,” Jordeen admitted.
“Of?” Albeta asked.
“I don’t know. What if something tries to take my body or I can’t return?” Jordeen asked.
“Well, it is your body, and no one can possess it or borrow it without your permission,” Albeta explained.
“You’re also tied to it, by means of a silver cord, a cord that can only be severed at the death of the body. But here is a better way to think of it: you’re not really leaving your body per se, because there is nowhere to go. There is no there out there, there is only here, only now. Your identity in this body is an illusion. Your ideas about this reality are also false. There is no time and no space. You can go anywhere and be anything because it’s all right here, right now.” She ended this by touching her heart.
Jordeen considered.
“Well, that explanation seems to fit my experience. I felt connected to everything in the universe. But that’s the point, I guess. In my body, I feel separated. And I attempted suicide, and though my body wasn’t dead, I tried to leave it, but there was something there, something in the darkness that horrified me.”
Albeta considered.
“I cannot remark about this experience, but I suspect it was your own fear, your own sorrow. There is a darkness that surrounds all living things, all matter, but it is not what you think it is. This darkness is merely a medium in which we travel, like fish in water, the medium in which light travels. It is the perfectness in which we manifest our dreams and our fears. Through it we must travel to reach the next level.”
“What if there is a monster in there?” Jordeen insisted.
“Maybe something is there to devour me because I’m evil, or because I tried to kill myself, which I’ve been reminded of is the greatest sin.”
“You have been misled,” Albeta said.
“Would you be punished by a higher being if you broke a leg?”
“No,” Jordeen admitted.
“Then, why would you assume that if your brain was broken and you are suffering, and you were trying to ease that suffering, you would be punished? Wouldn’t a higher being, full of love and compassion and understanding see past our limited ways?” Albeta asked.
“I suppose,” Jordeen said.
“But what if there is something there waiting to get me?”
“No spirit can act on you without your permission and we are all spirit, all the time,” Albeta said.
“If you are peaceful, then you will attract peace. If you are fearful, you will attract fear. There are an infinite number of entities, but most entities can’t interact with us. You can only act with those who match your frequency, your experience level, your present state. That is why we say, when the student is ready, the master will come. Consider a rainbow. The red light, the lower energy level, will never touch the indigo light. There may be some interaction at the orange frequency, at the fringe of threshold of frequency change, where one can go up to the next energy state, or come down, but never with blue. To be indigo, you have to change, and you have to be all the other colors preceeding indigo first. Clearly, all the lights exist simultaneously in the same space-time, and it manifest as pure white light, but the separation is nonnegotiable and at the same time, an illusion. If you are green, the red can’t harm you.”
“But, sometimes I feel like someone or something is watching me,” Jordeen continued to defend her fear.
“Sometimes they are,” Albeta agreed.
“Every time a loved one thinks about you, they are watching you from perspective of spirit. You also have your guardian spirit checking in on you. There is also the susurrus, the whispering of all the minds within our auditory range. There are the random visitors who are just exploring and stopped to examine you. This is unpreventable, as this is the freedom guaranteed to all.”
“So, I’m right, something has been watching me?”
“Maybe. You might also just be experiencing paranoia due to your condition and imagining other people are talking about how often you laugh, when in reality, they think about you no more than you think about them,” Albeta suggested.
“So I can’t be harmed?” Jordeen asked.
“There is no danger, only lessons to be learned. Do you really suppose that if there is something out there that can get you that it can’t get you while in your body? Further, wouldn’t it have an advantage over you if you can’t see it while residing in your body? Wouldn’t it be better, if it is there, to face it head on? Because if it is there, it will be there until you master it,” Albeta said.
“Your body is an illusion. You are not this crude flesh. You are a being of light and the only thing holding you back is you.”
“I will try, then,” Jordeen said.
“No, you will not try, you will do,” Albeta said, and gave a spiritual shove.
Jordeen found herself outside of her body. She was immediately overtaken by fear, but then Albeta was beside her, holding her hand, and then there was light, just as there was the first day she fell out of the tree, and out of her body. There was immediate release from the pressure building up towards the next turnover. She was free.
“Oh, thank you,” Jordeen said, joy illuminating her expression, rays of joy projecting out from her.
“You were right, dear, you are not alone. I’m here,” Albeta said.
“The Force is always with you. Whenever you fear, simply call on the Force and it will illuminate a path. Run and play in the fields of light, or fly and be one with the sky. There is no work today. Tomorrow, we will assign your first task.”
♫♪►
“Do I actually exist in these other places?” Jordeen asked.
“What do you suppose?” Albeta asked.
“That light body feels more real than this one,” Jordeen said, stirring her food with a spoon. The nuns ate from one bowl, and everything that they would eat would be thrown into that bowl, regardless of whether the items went well together. Today there was rice, beans, and ice cream, and it was altogether. Complaining would only cost a nun a meal, but Jodeen never even batted her eyes or declined non complimentary foods. She always took a little of everything till her bowl was full, which surprisingly, was just that one more peculiarity that added to the perceived animosity between her and her sisters. The only friend she had seemed to be Albeta.
“It is the next real body. There is another above that, and another above that, but deal with where you are, first,” Albeta said.
“I went home, yesterday, in spirit. I saw my mother. She is not happy. Stepfather is even more abusive now that I have left. I thought their relationship would improve,” Jordeen said.
“Their relationship is not about you,” Albeta said.
“Can I make myself visible to my mother?” Jordeen asked.
“All things are possible with the Force. You can speak to her. You can be visible to her. You can even exist, physically, simultaneously in two places,” Albeta explained.
“What?”
“You can create a Doppleganger,” Albeta said.
“How can I do this?” Jordeen asked. Her disbelief and excitement were so stark in the cafeteria that it drew more attention than her laughter.
“By first realizing your mind is not limited to space-time and therefore does not occupy space-time. Secondly, by realizing that your body is not limited to any specific coordinates in space-time. Quantum physics clearly states that all matter can potentially occupy any space and any time, because, again, there is no space and there is no time. Light is both wave and particle. The wave is everywhere, therefore the particle is everywhere, and it only takes the mind to place it. You should read up on the projection postulate and the Reimann sphere.”
“Then why haven’t I done this spontaneously, like instead of falling from the tree why didn’t I just materialize myself on the ground?” Jordeen asked.
“Because we are determined, crazily fanatical about maintaining this illusion that we are here,” Albeta said.
“If you moved even a tenth of your present body somewhere else, it would be sufficient for you to be seen, seem even as solid as your actual body, and if you cease to focus, you would rebound to your present position. Some of that is physics, like momentum. Your body wants to occupy this space. But if you got ninety percent of your body manifested in the other space you desire, then this body would go there. It is that simple.”
“I bet the theory is simple, but the practice is something else entirely,” Jordeen said.
Albeta smirked, taking the last bite of ice cream from her bowl. She had eaten that off the top first before tackling the rest.
“And that is why I am still here. But I am hopeful that you will exceed my ability. You’ve overcome in months what has taken me years. No doubt, it is your motivation to be healed or healthy or to be free that is moved you along. It doesn’t matter. Your next challenge will be surpassing the plateau. As you become content, and comfortable, you will get stuck, and your progress will slow, if not stop.”
“I doubt that will happen,” Jordeen assured her.
♫♪►
The order had decided it was time to take a field trip. Several orders of nuns and monks had got together and rented a theme park, and everyone was mandated to attend. It was to celebrate, mingle with colleagues, and just break the habit of routine, because attachment to routine could be just has hazardous to one’s spiritual health as attachment to possessions or relationships. Jordeen declined. The resulting drama that ensued was out of proportion to the request, no doubt forced by several other nuns that didn’t want to go and her staying didn’t sit well with them. Ultimately, she was ordered by the head nun to participate.
“It will be okay,” Albeta assured her.
Jordeen complied, and joined them on the transport. She spent the whole ride immersed in a meditative practice, and got through the journey with minimal laughter. When she laughed, Alberta who was sitting next to her made as if she had said something funny and even laughed with her from time to time. Everyone in earshot of her laughter was easily cheered, except for the few that found their colleague annoying. In those instances, they were move to anger and hatred of their sister who was always so ‘happy’that it visibly disgusted them. Once at the park, Jordeen found a quiet place to sit and have a snack, where she could watch everyone from a safe distance. It was strange seeing so many people dressed in oranges and yellow. The robes made people look like walking flames. Only the park employees were traditionally dressed.
Mother Sho approached her.
“I noticed you have not engaged others, or been on any rides,” Sho said.
“I would prefer not to partake of the rides, Mother,” Jordeen said.
“This is not a request,” Sho said.
“I take your refusal to participate as defiance, a form of passive aggressive challenge to my authority for making you come.”
“Please, Mother Sho, I beg forgiveness in this,” Jordeen insisted.
“Are you afraid?”
“No, Mother,” Jordeen said.
“Good. Then you will ride the roller coaster with me and that is final,” Mother Sho said.
“But,” Jordeen tried.
“Do you want to be kick out of the order for defying authority or for making me appear to be weak on disciplining you?” Sho asked.
“No, Mother, but if you ask Albeta…”
“She has babied you long enough. It is time to grow up and do what all of your fellow sisters are doing,” Sho snapped.
Jordeen bowed, stood gracefully, and accompanied Sho to the nearest ride. It was an older roller coaster, with a wooden structure. It was also the noisiest, biggest, fastest, and most jarring of any of the rides in the park. Sho got in the first seat, front of the car, and indicated Jordeen was to sit by her. Jordeen hesitated. Sho shot a stern look at her. Jordeen sighed, thinking, the worst that would happen is that she would scream and laugh through the entire ride. She got in. All the cars in their train were full.
“You see,” Sho began as the car inched its way up to the first hill.
“This is a lesson. The roller coaster can teach us about the ups and downs of life. This whole park, in a way, is a metaphor…”
The front car topped the hill and pointed down, and for a moment, it seemed to hesitate, as if it wasn’t sure gravity was going to catch it. Then it plunged downwards, the wheels rattling and jarring the whole cart, till it hit bottom and their momentum pushed them down hard into their chairs, before shooting them up the next hill. Between the g-forces tugging at her in multiple directions at once, the vibration through the car, and the fear generated by the ride itself, Jordeen lost all semblance of control and everything she had learned over the last few months was gone, except for one new trait. Because of her recent training in yoga and astral projection, not only were her turnovers amplified, she was able to project the full gambit of her emotions outward, dumping all of her internal information into the Force, part of her calling for help, while another part of her was simultaenously letting go. Everyone in the park shared in her turnovers. Park employees, and monks and nuns not strapped into a ride, all fell to the ground. The turnovers lasted for as long the ride lasted, growing in intensity and duration, and persisted even a little after the car had come to a complete stop at the station. People who had spent their entire lives avoiding this sort of physical gratification, lost it for one, super sustained moment of ecstasy that was forced on them, out of their control, and requiring for many a change in clothing.
Jordeen covered her mouth, closed her eyes, and tried to bring herself to terms with what had happened. Even as she sat there in the cart, her eyes clenched shut, and her hands grasping the safety bar as if the ride for her was still going, the world slowly took form around her. There were a lot of confused folks, to be sure. Sho had collapsed into Jordeen, a huge smile on her face. Alberta was there, her hand over her mouth, not sure what to do or say. The duration of the event had caused Sho’s heart to stop. A park attendant noticed and pulled her from the cart, over top of Jordeen, who sat there, still trying to recover through the meditation she had learned, slowing her breath down by long inhales, and blowing out tightened lips. She was racked with the inevitable aftershocks of twitching and and rebound giggles, but felt that she would quickly return to the reserved breath and awareness that followed such events.
Sho was revived. Several in the park, older monks, were not so lucky. Several days later, despite how much Sho and Albeta fought or argued, Jordeen was directed to leave the order by their superiors. Jordeen went home. Rumor beat her home and the small town outside her mother’s orchard made pilgrimages wanting to experience even an inkling of what had happened at the amusement park that day. The stepfather couldn’t take it. He left, filing for divorce. Unfortunately, law was clear: Jordeen’s mother would have to share the value of the land with him, as he had been with her more than five years. In order to do this, her mother had to put the property up for sale.
In an effort to save the farm, Jordeen went to a Hutt and asked for a job. The Hutt wasn’t interested in an employee, not at the price Jordeen was asking, but she would consider a slave. Jordeen consented, bought the farm from her mom, fixed the deed so that her mom couldn’t sell it as long as Jordeen was alive, as well as fixing it where no other man could take the property away should mom marry and divorce again, or, if she herself should ever marry or divorce. The deed restriction was that clear and a fiancé would simply have to agree to the terms or not marry.
Her mother was beside herself with grief, from the drama in her life, and from the knowledge that her daughter sold herself to save her and the farm.
“It’s not what I wanted for us,” she said.
“I know, Mom. But I won’t be a slave forever,” Jordeen insisted.
“I will return. And I will care for you in your old age. We will be reunited. Of this, I am sure.”
“As a slave, you will be subject to the whims of your master. You could be killed just for someone’s sick pleasure!”