Chapter 9
The very next day, Galaxy-Man and Cherry suited up for adventure and were on their way to Earth to pick up Cutty. Stevie decided to stay behind this time around. She had slowed down a bit in her old age and occasionally stayed with Hamilton when the gang went on an adventure. Inside the Whomper, Galaxy-Man and Cherry were chilling out to some low-volume Bob Marley. Galaxy-Man was drinking a bit of prohibition punch and watching Sailor Moon on Hamilton's laptop while Cherry read a book of random facts.
“Fighting evil by moonlight,” sang Galaxy-Man, “winning love by daylight! Never running from a real fight, she is the one named Sailor Moon!” Galaxy-Man had a weakness for very girly anime.
“Hey Dad,” said Cherry, “Did you know that gophers craw through their tunnels backwards?”
Galaxy-Man sharply pointed at Cherry. “As a matter of fact I did know that! I don't like talking about it, though... not after what happened.”
Before long, Earth was in sight, but there was a problem – they were going much too fast.
“Uh-oh,” shouted Galaxy-Man “we're goin' down!!”
“Dang it, Dad!!” screamed Cherry.
The two entered Earth's atmosphere at an incredible speed. Galaxy-Man was flipping switches and pushing buttons, but Cherry was beginning to suspect that they didn't actually do anything at all. The ship crashed into a large fountain outside of the hotel and casino where Cutty was staying. It slid a long ways, taking most of the stone fountain with it. It finally came to a complete stop after crashing through the window of the casino.
“Ah craps,” said Galaxy-Man as he face-palmed hard.
Cherry began to snicker, and it turned into a good laugh.
“Yeah, yuk it up,” said Galaxy-Man.
Cherry was cracking up. “I like to think the guy at the blackjack table just said 'hit me,'” she giggled.
Galaxy-Man just shook his head and smiled.
The two stepped out of the ship and all the gamblers just stood and stared, too struck with confusion to move or say anything. Most of the slots players just kept playing, like they were so detached from reality that they didn't even notice the spaceship that crashed right in front of them. Galaxy-Man and Cherry awkwardly walked through the casino.
“Sorry, guys,” said Galaxy-Man, “ice on the road and whatnot.” He stuffed his face with finger food along the way to the elevator. Meanwhile, Cherry just read her book.
“Did you know that in 1535, King Henry VIII of England introduced a tax on beards, taxing every beard of more than two weeks' growth?”
“Yeah I knew that,” said Galaxy-Man with his maw full of shrimp. “What, you think just because I'm stupid that I'm an idiot!?”
The two walked into a crowded elevator of unhappy-looking people. Cherry pushed every last button and the elevator made 27 grueling stops while Galaxy-Man sang "Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher and Higher" by Jackie Wilson. Cherry danced a jig and clapped to the beat and Galaxy-Man sang his heart out like a born again Baptist on Sunday morning. Everyone sure was annoyed, but Galaxy-Man and Cherry sure had fun. When they reached their floor, Cherry mashed all the buttons once more before exiting.
“You're evil,” chuckled Galaxy-Man.
They walked down a long white hall to Cutty's room.
Galaxy-Man checked a little piece of paper that was in his pocket. “Cutty should be in 2721,” he said.
“Okey doke.”
They walked a little ways and found it. Galaxy-Man gave three gentle knocks to the door, and Cherry then ran over and started beating it like the door owed her money or something.
“What is your damage little boy?” asked Galaxy-Man.
Cutty answered the door. She was wearing a lovely cashmere sweater, black pants, and simple brown sandals.
“I told him not to beat on the door so hard,” said Cherry, “but he just wouldn't listen.”
“You really are evil,” said Galaxy-Man as he shook his head.
“Hey guys,” said Cutty. She sounded a bit hoarse and looked as though she had been crying.
“Aw, are you okay, Cutty Buddy?” asked Galaxy-Man.
“Yeah,” said Cutty.
“You sure?” asked Galaxy-Man.
“I'm fine,” she insisted. “Come on in, guys.”
Galaxy-Man and Cherry walked in and sat down on the bed, but they both knew something was wrong. Galaxy-Man tried to cheer her up.
“If you don't tell me what's wrong I'm gonna punch Cherry in the arm,” he threatened.
“He's not lyin',” added Cherry. “He'll do it.”
“Look,” said Cutty, “something did happen, but I don't want you guys to worry.”
“Very well,” said Galaxy-Man. He then punched Cherry in the arm, way harder than any grown man should ever punch a nine-year old. It sounded like a hammer in cloth hitting a slab of beef.
“Ow!!” wailed Cherry. “That freakin' hurt, you bastard!! You motherfu- grr!!!” She lunged at Galaxy-Man. “I'll kill you!!” She punched him in the face with great force, causing him to stagger to the floor. He got up and wiped the blood from his lip.
“Oh, ya wanna throw down? Huh!?” asked Galaxy-Man. “'Cause I'll throw down!!” He rushed over and faked with his right and got her square in the jaw with his left, leaving her mouth dripping with fresh blood. She spit and put her dukes back up.
"You punch like a velvet child, Dad.”
Cutty stood watching in confusion, not knowing what to do exactly.
Galaxy-Man got right in Cherry face. “What's up? What's up?”
“Guys, stop fighting please,” said Cutty very calmly.
“Never!!” yelled Cherry as she picked up her facts book from the couch. She ran over and started whacking Galaxy-Man on the head hard.
“Ow, ow, ow, ow!!” cried Galaxy-Man as he was struck repeatedly. He wrestled the book from her and hit the side of her head, knocking her over.
“Guys, this has gone on long enough,” said Cutty.
Ignoring Cutty's plea, Galaxy-Man ran over to Cherry and picked her up over his head and spun her around like he were in the WWE or something. “I'm a #adult!!!” he shouted as he spun her around. He then threw her into a dresser with a mirror on it, shattering the mirror to pieces. After hitting the mirror she fell to the floor.
“Jesus Christ!!” screamed Cutty.
Cherry grabbed a nearby white sock from the floor and started waving it around, admitting defeat.
“Uh-oh, you okay, Cher?” Galaxy-Man walked over to make sure she was okay. Her eyes were closed and she wasn't moving. Cutty stood with her hands over her mouth looking at Galaxy-Man. He knelt down over Cherry. Galaxy-Man and Cherry would every once in awhile have fistfights, which would occasionally turn into bloody squabbles, but they did it for fun and never out of real anger. They both had a warped and twisted idea of entertainment. Galaxy-Man usually won them as he never held back, even against a child, and Cherry loved that about him. Had he gone too far this time, though? “Did I hit you too hard, Cher?” asked Galaxy-Man.
She then abruptly opened her eyes and gave a sort of sinister look. “In your dreams!” she yelled. She then grabbed the book and whacked him in the face so hard that somewhere in the universe his mother shed a single tear.
“Oh God, not the book again!! Truce, truce!!”
They then both lied on their backs panting and looking up at the ceiling. Cherry started laughing, and Galaxy-Man soon joined. They certainly had a strange idea of fun.
“That was fun,” giggled Cherry.
“Yeah,” agreed Galaxy-Man.
“You guys are something else,” said Cutty. “I should probably check out now before they see what you guys did to their mirror.”
“That's nothing,” said Cherry. “You should see what we did to the casino.”
Luckily, Cutty was staying under the band's name and not her own so she didn't get in trouble. After checking out, the gang walked into the casino over to the ship. Everyone was still gambling and no one seemed to notice the giant crashed spaceship in front of them. They walked aboard and set sail for adventure.
On board, Galaxy-Man sat in his throne eating an old box of stale animal crackers he found, and was doing a crossword puzzle. Cherry and Cutty were sitting in the floor eating a bag of chips and Cherry was showing Cutty some drawings she drew. There were drawings of Spider-Man, swords, Steven Universe characters, upside down gorillas, and a drawing of her and Galaxy-Man playing in the snow together.
“Aww, that one's cute,” said Cutty, “and the snow looks really good.”
“Thanks, lady! Wanna know how I drew the snow?”
“Sure,” smiled Cutty.
“Like this,” said Cherry. She took some construction paper and started vigorously scratching her scalp with both hands until the page was covered in flaky white dandruff.
Cutty was a bit grossed out, but didn't want to say anything about it. “Cool,” she said with two thumbs up.
“Hey, you guys good on Doritos back there?” asked Galaxy-Man from across the ship.
“You know it, dawg,” answered Cherry. And then she had a brilliant idea. “Wait a minute, I can draw dirt with my Dorito fingers! Cutty, save me the crumbs.”
“You got it,” said Cutty.
“What's a six-letter word for an unintelligent person?” asked Galaxy-Man as he worked at his puzzle.
“Yo mama,” answered Cherry. Cutty let out a loud guffaw and covered her mouth.
Galaxy-Man jumped up from his throne. “Whatchu say 'bout my mama!?” he yelled in his most macho voice.
Cherry started laughing.
“Dimwit,” said Cutty.
“Oh, now you're against me, too?”
“No no, dimwit's a six-letter word.”
Galaxy-Man paused. “So it is.” He went back to his puzzle.
Cutty looked as though something was really troubling her. “Can I ask you guys a question?” she asked.
“You just did,” Cherry pointed out.
“What is it, Cutty?” asked Galaxy-Man.
“Why do you hang out with me? It's just – You guys are so interesting. You go on all these crazy adventures and do amazing things, and I'm just some average girl from Earth who plays tennis sometimes and reads books.”
Galaxy-Man walked over and sat down in the floor next to Cutty and Cherry. “That's one of the reasons why I like you so much.” Galaxy-Man started drawing a picture with crayons. “I like you because you're weird, and you're weird because you're normal. Do you understand?”
“I guess so,” said Cutty, unsure.
“There you go,” said Galaxy-Man as he finished his drawing. He held it up so Cutty could see. It was a doodle of two poorly-drawn stick figures playing tennis. “It's me and you. Sorry you have orange skin. All we have is two crayons, dandruff and Doritos.”
“Why are we sword fighting?” asked Cutty.
“What? We're playing tennis, dord!”
“Don't call her a dord, dord,” said Cherry.
“Shut up, dord,” said Galaxy-Man, “you don't even know what a dord is, you dord.” Galaxy-Man looked behind him as if someone were in the back room. “Dad!!”
“What is happening right now?” said a very confused Cutty.
“Inside jokes,” answered Cherry.
Galaxy-Man looked closer at the drawing. “I guess the rackets do look a bit like swords. Hey, you look good with a sword, Cutty.”
“Thanks,” said Cutty. “I used to have a wooden sword when I was little. I'd pretend to be Dirk the Daring from Dragon's Lair.”
“I don't know what that is,” said Galaxy-Man.
“Don't we have a real sword around here someplace?” asked Cherry.
“Oh yeah, the Durendal, the legendary sword of Roland.”
“What, you guys just have that?” asked Cutty.
“Yup,” said Cherry.
Galaxy-Man stood up to look for the sword. “Hey, if I didn't take it, someone would've stolen it.” He looked in a large pile of randomness for the blade and surprisingly, he found it. “Found it!!”
“Cool,” said Cutty.
“You could use it to fight the forces of evil,” said Cherry who was now drawing what appeared to be Galaxy-Man with a gorilla's head. “You could be like, our protector.”
Cutty had dreams of being a sword fighter when she was younger, but never paid them much attention as she got older. “Gosh, you really think I could be a fighter?”
“I do,” said Galaxy-Man. “Catch!” He tossed Cutty the sword, but she wasn't expecting it and she caught it by the blade, cutting her hands.
“My hands!!” she wailed. Her hands began to bleed. “You cut my hands!”
Galaxy-Man and Cherry rushed to Cutty's aid. Her hands were cut pretty good, but nothing life-threatening.
“Oh God,” said Galaxy-Man with both hands over his mouth. “Cherry, go get some bandages.”
“You used them all after you fought that windmill, remember?” asked Cherry.
“Darn, what else we got?” asked Galaxy-Man.
They both stopped and pondered, letting out a collective “hmm.”
Galaxy-Man and Cherry then bandaged Cutty's hands with toilet paper, duct tape and green boxing gloves.
“There,” said Galaxy-Man, “good as new! Maybe even better than before,” he laughed guiltily as he scratched his neck. “Look, I'm really sorry for throwing a sword at you, man.” He looked at his feet and twiddled his fingers. “That was- That was kinda stupid.”
“Yeah, sorry my dad is such a funkledunk,” added Cherry.
“You're a funkledunk!” said Galaxy-Man.
“It's okay,” said Cutty, “I actually think these boxing gloves are kinda cool.”
“So you're not mad?” asked Galaxy-Man.
“Well, I'm not thrilled about having cut palms, but it was an accident. I forgive you. I just have one question.”
“What is it?” asked Galaxy-Man.
“What's a funkledunk?”
“We don't know!” said Cherry loudly. “Dad!!”