The Amazing Galaxy-Man - Part One by Brent Bunn - HTML preview

Chapter 14

After a long, long day of folly and adventure, it was finally time; the show was about to begin. The gang gathered all the blankets and pillows in the ship and headed up top to snuggle together on the deck. It was a shame they didn't go up there more often. It was actually very nice up top, just like an old-timey wooden ship at sea. Galaxy-Man by chance found three lawn chairs inside the ship. It was amazing all the things you could find in the Star Whomper if you looked hard enough. It was a menagerie of stuff.

Since the ship was so much taller than all the surrounding cars, they had an excellent view of the stage despite being so far away. It was chilly outside, but everyone was sitting warm under their blankets. Even Stevie joined in on the fun. She was sitting on Cherry's right shoulder and they were both eating pizza together. Stevie was keeping Cherry's neck nice and warm and they both looked very happy together. Cutty was wearing a thick jacket she found in the ship and had most of the blankets. She didn't like cold weather. Winter was the bane of her existence, but she was happily warm under all those blankets.

Galaxy-Man on the other hand was too excited to be cold. He didn't have any blankets at all. Galaxy-Man was so excited for the concert that his hands were shaking and he was breathing heavily. If Cherry and Cutty didn't know better they think he were having a stroke.

“Oh my GAWD you guys!!” yelled Galaxy-Man. “I'm about to lose it!”

“Cool your grits, Dad,” said Cherry. “You look like your head's about to explode.” Cherry and Stevie were stuffing their faces with pizza and they both looked like they were having a pretty good time to say the least. Cherry would take a bite, then pick off a topping for Stevie.

“You guys enjoying your piece of Pete's a Pizza pizza?” asked Galaxy-Man.

“You know it, Father-Man.”

“Is that him?” asked Cutty. Funkmaster Shades was finally there on stage. His appearance was followed by a thunderous roar from the crowd. You'd think Jesus himself had come down from heaven the way all the people cheered.

“OH MER GERD!!!” screamed Galaxy-Man. He sounded like a 10-year-old girl. He was as happy as... well, as Galaxy-Man at a Funkmaster Shades concert. That's really the only way to describe his level of happiness. Galaxy-Man could barely contain his incredible excitement. He almost had a hype attack. This was shaping up to be the best Christmas ever. He must've shed two, perhaps three tears that night. “You know I love you guys, right?”

“Yes, Dad,” said Cherry. “Now hush!”

And there he was. There before the masses was the legendary Funkmaster Shades himself on stage, in the flesh. No, it was not a hologram, it was not a cardboard cutout; it was the man himself! He was a white guy with a big, bushy black Afro, thick sideburns, a horseshoe mustache, and, of course, his legendary banana-tinted shades, the likes of which rivaled even Galaxy-Man's shades in their eminence. His looks were the embodiment of funk culture; the 1970s all rolled into one. He slowly walked with a cool, confident swagger over to the mic as hoards of screaming fans cheered him on. Impeccable style and originality positively radiated from him and whenever he spoke even migrating birds in the sky stopped to listen. “How are we tonight?” asked Funkmaster Shades. He never smiled and always spoke a cool, low voice.

“Oh he's so awesome!!” gushed Galaxy-Man.

“He looks like my dad if he were white,” said Cutty.

“As some of you know,” said Funkmaster Shades, “this is our first gig in quite a while. Due to some overblown drug charges I'm not able to leave town, so six months ago we did a show here, but 'concerned parents' decided that our music was corrupting the minds of children, so The Man was able to keep us down.”

The crowd booed loudly. They practically worshiped the very ground he walked on and hung on his every word. This included Galaxy-Man.

“Corrupting the minds of children?” asked Galaxy-Man in disbelief. “Their music doesn't even have lyrics, man!”

Funkmaster Shades was unique for a funk-rock band in that all their music was instrumental. To say that any music can corrupt minds is a stretch, but to say that music with no words at all is ridiculous.

“What a lot of people don't know about us,” continued Funkmaster Shades, “is that we actually give much of our money to charities and the fat cats in charge finally got it through their thick friggin' skulls that most of the money we make comes from doing gigs. This town makes so little money on its own, that without our contributions the children's hospital could barely afford to keep its doors open. All I have to say is – don't burn your own friggin' house down to hurt someone.”

The crowd erupted into applause. He was an excellent speaker. He could make his fans cheer, make them cry and make them scream, but no matter what he said his fans would blindly follow like Disney lemmings. He could tell them that gravity didn't exist and they'd believe it without question. Funkmaster Shades was very honest however and his plight was very much true. His parole didn't allow him to leave town and so he could only do shows in Stubs, though angry parents constantly try to sabotage him.

“He's such a great guy!” yelled Galaxy-Man.

“Yeah,” agreed Cherry. “I didn't know he did all that stuff.”

One thing the Funkmaster Shades did before each show was a short comedy routine. In addition to being the rhythm guitarist and leader of the band, he was also a moderately successful stand up comedian. “We are back, my friends!” he yelled. “You guys ready to rock?” He pointed the mic towards the crowd.

“Yeah!!!” screamed the crowd.

“I don't know about you, but when I listen to music, so do my neighbors.”

Everyone laughed and cheered, especially Galaxy-Man.

“That sounds like you, Galaxy-Man,” said Cutty.

Funkmaster Shades liked to walk around stage whenever he did a routine. “Do we have any reggae fans here tonight?” he asked as he moved around the stage. Most of the crowd cheered, but some were on the fence a bit. “Yeah, I like that song, too,” said Funkmaster Shades.

“Ha! Because it all sounds the same!” yelled Galaxy-Man.

“That's freakin' funny, man,” said Cherry.

“I listened to some dubstep today.” said Funkmaster Shades. “Thought my speakers were picking up extraterrestrial interference.” Everyone laughed. “I also listened to modern country on the radio,” he went on, “honestly thought it was a parody of modern country.” The audience erupted into laughter.

“It really does make fun of itself,” said Cutty.

“This guy's good,” said Cherry.

Funkmaster Shades spoke in his best redneck voice. “Modern country – beer, girls, jeans, trucks, beer, tractors, dirt roads, beer, and gawwwd.” Everyone laughed hard and Galaxy-Man even snorted. He snorted whenever he thought something was really funny.

“Oh my God you guys,” chuckled Galaxy-Man.

“Country rap,” said Funkmaster Shades. He paused for awhile. “Next joke.”

“That's too funny,” said Cherry.

“Do we have any Michael Jackson fans here tonight?” asked Funkmaster Shades. The crowd was a little divided, but most cheered. “Michael Jackson touched a lot of kids,” he said. The audience wasn't sure what to think, “... with his music,” he clarified; everyone breathed a sigh of relief, but the joke wasn't over, “... in the butt,” he concluded. “Moving on!”

“Oh my,” said Cutty.

“Wow,” said Cherry.

“I thought it was gonna be something dirty,” said Galaxy-Man, “then it wasn't, then it was!”

“You guys ready to rock the block?” asked Funkmaster Shades.

“Yeah!!!” screamed the audience.

Funkmaster Shades picked up his guitar and said block proceeded to be rocked. They played all of Galaxy-Man's favorite songs and everyone had an amazing time. Even Cutty clapped and cheered. It was an amazing performance, the perfect end to the best Christmas ever.

After an hour, the concert was over, and it was time to go home. The band stood on stage together and bowed.

“Thank you all,” said Funkmaster Shades, “you've been a wonderful audience. Goodnight, and merry Christmas. Stay funky.” Funkmaster Shades always ended by saying “stay funky.” It was his catchphrase. The band came and played an amazing concert, but like all things, it had to come to an end. The show was over and the band had to leave them.

“Hey, Cherry,” said Galaxy-Man, “you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?”

“You don't mean,” said Cutty.

“You wanna Rolling Stone 'em?” asked Cherry.

Galaxy-Man nodded. “Get your cameras, guys. It's time for a little interview!”

The gang went into the ship and grabbed their cameras. They were gonna try for an interview with Funkmaster Shades himself. With cameras and notebooks in hand, they headed out the door. Even Stevie tagged along. She happily followed along like a curious puppy. There were plenty of interesting things to smell along the way after all. They walked towards the stage as everyone was driving away.

“Okay, guys,” said Galaxy-Man, “we gotta hurry before they leave.”

“I can't believe we're doing this,” laughed Cutty. What an adventure today had been for her.

“Remember,” said Galaxy-Man. “I'm supposed to be blind, and Stevie is my service cat.”

“Gotcha,” said Cherry. “Hey, where is Stevie anywho?”

Stevie was nowhere to be seen. Galaxy-Man figured she must've been off somewhere smelling something. They all stopped at a row of cars to look for her. She couldn't have gotten far. She then came walking up from the row of cars behind her with a half-eaten Broaster's fried chicken leg in her mouth.

Galaxy-Man chuckled when he saw her carrying her big piece of chicken. “Whaddaya doin', sillygoat? We gotta go.”

What happened next, no one saw coming, and there was no way that any of them could have prepared for what was about to happen. As Stevie walked over, a passing truck came speeding by and she was ran over. She let out a terrible shrill as the life was crushed out of her. None of them believed what they just saw. Cherry and Cutty stood in disbelief with their mouths open and Galaxy-Man rushed over, already beginning to cry.

“St-Stevie Ray?” he softly muttered, tears rolling.

The heavy truck had left her a bloody mess. She was killed instantly and there was nothing any of them could've done for her. Stevie was dead.

END OF PART ONE