Chapter 6
For the next few days, Galaxy-Man did nothing but text and talk to Cutty over the spacephone. Spacephones were basically like regular phones but used a special superluminal electromagnetic field generator powered by magic to send radio waves through space well in excess of the speed of light. It's simple stuff, mere basement science really. With it, people who were literally worlds apart could speak to each other as if they were just down the street, though, it was still impractically for intergalactic communication.
At midnight or so, Galaxy-Man was in the living room by the fireplace hovering over the spacephone in case Cutty called. Cherry came marching down the hall in her llama pajamas holding a scented candle to see.
“Dad, it's time for bed,” she ordered.
“Aw come on, it's only 12:00,” groaned Galaxy-Man as he wasn't ready to go to bed yet.
“Yeah, but you've been up for three days clamoring over the phone.”
“Yeah, so?”
“You need to get some sleep. You're spending too much time on that phone, young man.”
“Shut up! You're not my real daughter!”
“Yeah, well I'm all you've got!”
Galaxy-Man crossed his arms in protest. “Hamilton lets me stay up late,” he mumbled.
“What was that!?”
“I said I want ice cream.”
“You can have ice cream tomorrow, Dad. Now go to bed.”
Galaxy-Man got up and started towards the kitchen.
“What are you doing?” asked Cherry. “Hey, I'm talking to you, mister!”
Galaxy-Man walked into the kitchen and turned on the light. He pushed a chair up to the fridge and climbed onto it.
“What are you doing? You get down right now, young man.”
Deliberately disobeying Cherry's orders, Galaxy-Man opened up the freezer door.
“You close that freezer right now. I'm not kidding around.”
He reached in and grabbed the ice cream.
“You go put that right back. I'm warning you, you take one bite out of that and you are in big trouble.”
Galaxy-Man sat down at the table with his bucket of ice cream with spoon in hand.
“Don't... Hey! Don't you dare... Don't you DARE do that. You hear me?”
He put the spoon in the ice cream slowly, as if to mock her.
“Hold it right there! You put that ice cream in your mouth and you are in very, very, VERY big trouble.”
He raised the ice cream up to his mouth, all while looking Cherry right in the eye.
“Don't you dare go anywhere beyond that... Put it down right now. I am not going to say it again. I am NOT going to say it AGAIN.”
Galaxy-Man took a bite and Cherry ran over and started spanking his behind hard.
“I hate you!” yelled Galaxy-Man, “I hate you!”
They both paused for a bit, then erupted into exuberant laughter.
“That was fun,” said Galaxy-Man, “I wanna be Kramer next time.”
“Alright, you can be Kramer next time, Dad, but we really need to get some sleep, 'kay?”
“'Kay,” said Galaxy-Man, giving the thumbs up.
The two looked over at the glistening tub of delicious strawberry ice cream on the table and paused.
“Er, we'll just have a little bit of ice cream first,” said Cherry.
The next day Cutty finally had some time off from work so Galaxy-Man arranged for her to be brought to the Breadbasket via spacebus. They were a lot like regular buses, but in space. Cutty had never been to space before. She was just an average girl who lived an average life. It wasn't totally unusual for people on Earth to travel to other planets, but most people simply didn't like the idea of being in space. Space is a scary place after all.
This was certainly a new experience for Cutty and she was very afraid at first, but the scariest part of any trial is the time leading up to the ordeal itself. People who go skydiving are most afraid of the plane ride. People taking their final exams are most afraid waiting for class to begin. Cutty had trouble sleeping the night before, but once she was up in the sky, and she could see the stars, everything was fine. And nothing gives a stronger appreciation of the stars quite like traveling to them. She was so struck with awe that she forgot her worries and fears as she watched the stars pass by like ships at sea.
A person from the Middle East might find snow to be beautiful, while someone from Colorado might not even notice it. When you grow up traveling from planet to planet, from star to star, it can be hard to notice the beauty of the universe. Galaxy-Man had done and seen so many things that the only thing that would seem out of the ordinary was being normal, and maybe that was why he liked Cutty so much, because she was so normal, because her normality was so weird, so different to him. Being normal, after all, is weird.
She arrived in Spunky Hollow around noonish. They made the 5000 light-year journey in about an hour and cost a grand total of 45 profit and 21 cents. Cutty took a deep breath and stepped foot on a new world for the very first time. She was the only person in the bus going to the Breadbasket that day. There wasn't much there after all, just a few small businesses and a whole bunch of wheat. The planet looked much like Earth, but the prospect of being on another planet made it exciting, even if it was only a world of wheat.
Cutty could not stop smiling. From the bus stop she followed cardboard signs left by Galaxy-Man and Cherry leading to the mansion. It was as if she were looking for yard sales. She walked for a mile or so from the bus stop to the house.
“Is this right?” she asked herself. Cutty had no idea that Galaxy-Man lived in a huge mansion. She then saw Etsuka checking her mail.
“Excuse me, ma'am,” said Cutty politely. “I'm looking for Galaxy-Man. Does he live here?”
“Unfortunately yes,” said Etsuka.
“Okay, thank you.”
She walked up Galaxy-Man's sidewalk and looked at his very tall grass. On his front stoop, she rang the doorbell. Galaxy-Man and Cherry immediately exploded out of the house in a big hurry.
“We gotta go, we gotta go,” said Galaxy-Man who seemed to be in an extreme rush. Cherry was right behind him looking a little confused.
“What's going on?” Cutty asked.
“I don't know,” said Cherry. “He won't say.”
“Come on, we gotta go!!”
Cutty wondered why they were in such a hurry, but just went along with it. It wasn't like things could get much weirder for her at that point.
They all trudged through the mountainous grass to the Star Whomper and walked aboard. Along the way Stevie followed everyone into the ship.
Galaxy ran over to the helm and started flipping switches and pressing buttons that Cherry had never seen him flip or press before. Wherever they were going must've been really important. Cutty sat down next to Cherry on the couch and crossed her legs. Stevie began smelling Cutty intently.
Galaxy-Man turned his head to Cutty and Cherry. “Pick your favorite body part and hold on to it,” he said “'cause things are about to get dangerous!”
Cherry put her hands over her butt. Galaxy-Man took the ship off the ground and left the planet at an amazing speed and within seconds they were in space.
“This is so exciting!” said Cutty, who was now happier than a slinky on an escalator. This was so new and exciting to her.
“Hang on to something,” said Galaxy-Man. “We're making the jump to 60 gc.”
“What's 60 gc?” Cutty asked Cherry.
“60 million times the speed of light,” answered Cherry.
Cutty couldn't believe it. “60 million!?”
“I've never even seen him go that fast before. This must be really important.”
The ship went so fast that the passing stars appeared like blurred city lights. Stevie jumped into Cutty's lap, walked in a circle a few times and went to sleep.
“Hey there, Stevie,” said Cutty. “What are you doing, silly?”
“Aww, I think she likes you,” said Cherry.
“She's a really pretty cat.”
“Hang in there, Eli,” mumbled Galaxy-Man to himself.
“Who's Eli?” whispered Cutty.
“Eli Whomper,” said Cherry. “He was an elephant that Dad used to have. He was dying so they put his brain in a computer and now he powers the ship's engines.”
“Oh, well that's... interesting,” replied Cutty.
“Wow, people usually have like 800 questions about that,” said Cherry. “You know, I kinda like you, Cutty.”
“Thanks. I like you, too.” Cutty probably had a million questions, but didn't know which ones to ask. This was all so much to take in. She figured that she ought to just go with it and ask questions later.
Galaxy-Man was pressing all sorts of buttons and flipping switches. What was he doing? “Brace yourselves” he said. “We're slowing down.” Galaxy-Man was now grinding his teeth and sweating like Jafar at airport security.
For whatever reason, slowing down seemed to take a lot more energy than speeding up. The ship's engines were usually about as loud as a minivan, but made a truly awful, almost terrifying roar when slowing down from such an amazing speed.
“Just a few... more... light-years,” said Galaxy-Man. “In five... four... three... two...” he stopped. “What comes after two, Cutty?”
“Um, one?” she said.
Cherry face-palmed and Galaxy-Man laughed.
“No, silly, three comes after two,” Galaxy-Man chuckled.
Cutty had walked right into Galaxy-Man's trap “Dang it,” she said, snapping her fingers.
They had finally reached their destination. They traveled several thousand light-years in around 25 minutes. The ship could've gone even faster, but things get a little weird when traveling over 60 gc. The last time he went any faster, he arrived at his destination before he left. It's best not to think about it.
They came to a planet called Kepler-452b which looked a lot like Earth. Not a very interesting name, but whatever. It was a planet mostly inhabited by old people, a sort of retirement world. Galaxy-Man took the ship down safely for a change. They barely crashed at all in fact, merely bending a hapless telephone pole.
Galaxy-Man checked his watch and let out a sigh of relief.
“4:70 am, we made it, guys,” he said. Time of day is sort of a meaningless concept when you go from planet to planet. It's always gonna be a different hour, and days are almost never the same length.
Cherry got up and looked out the window. She could now see clearly where they were – Doagie's Hoagies. It was named after restaurant's founder, Logie Hoagie, though, she no longer worked there. Doagie's was the best hoagie joint in the galaxy, open 24/7, and home of the Logie Doagie's Hoagies Hoagie.
“You drag us halfway across the galaxy for a ffffrickin' sandwich!?” snapped Cherry. She almost slipped up and said the F word. Cherry swore a lot, but never said the F word. Guess she was saving it for a special occasion.
“I just found out this morning that my gift card expires today. We've got about 10 minutes left, so let's get going. We gotta go!!” Galaxy-Man pushed a green button on his throne and was ejected out of the ship high into the air. He pulled off some rather stylish flips, but ultimately landed flat on his face in some dirt next to the parking lot. He abruptly sprang to his feet and ran over to the door to Doagie's.
Cutty, Cherry and Stevie walked off the ship and over to Galaxy-Man. Cutty was absolutely amazed by everything she saw, though, it was a pretty unremarkable world. It was a clean planet that looked a lot like Florida. It was hot and muggy and smelled like mothballs and old people. Maybe it doesn't sound like much, but to Cutty, it was out of this world.
“I think this is the best day of my life,” said Cutty.
“What, you've never seen a parking lot before?” teased Cherry.
“No... NO!!” screamed Galaxy-Man as he looked in utter despair at the unsightly horror before him. It was... a dreaded closed sign most foul.
“I think they're closed, Dad,” said Cherry.
“The hell they are!” said Galaxy-Man as he walked over to his left to a payphone.
“Is he gonna call the owner?” asked Cutty.
“I kinda doubt it,” said Cherry.
Galaxy-Man forcefully ripped the payphone from the wall, walked it over to the entrance, and hurled it through the glass door, shattering it into a million little pieces.
“Wow,” said Cutty. She didn't exactly approve oh Galaxy-Man's crime, but didn't say anything.
Galaxy-Man walked in and Cherry and Stevie followed. Cutty was looking around to see if anyone saw Galaxy-Man's heinous crime. She then followed them inside.
It was very dark in there. Inside there was a bespectacled man in an orange shirt and black pants. He had dirty-blonde hair and he had scars on his face. He was holding a screwdriver and appeared to be working on the light switch by the light of an electric lantern. He was an old friend of Galaxy-Man. Just like Galaxy-Man, no one knew his real name, or where he was from. Everyone called him Nomad because he never stayed in one place for very long. He had done and seen so much in his life, he was an even bigger enigma than Galaxy-Man himself. Galaxy-Man had known him all his life, but in all that time, Nomad hadn't appeared to have aged at all. Galaxy-Man's neighbor who had died a few years back of old age claimed that Nomad was his third grade teacher, meaning that Nomad was 90 years old minimum, but didn't look a day over 22.
“You know,” said Nomad, “you could've just knocked.” Nomad was very old, and very wise. He was a man of peace and grace. He chose his words very carefully and smiled whenever he spoke.
Galaxy-Man flashed his gift card as if it were a sheriff's badge. “Gimme a sammich,” he ordered.
Cherry walked in and Cutty followed, carrying Stevie and carefully navigating over the broken glass.
“And why should I do that?” asked Nomad as he scratched his chin.
Galaxy-Man looked at the mess he had made and felt bad. He scratched his neck and looked to his feet. “Aw, I'm really sorry. I just really needed a hoagie.”
“I can pay for the door if you want,” said Cutty. “I don't mind.”
“That's okay,” said Nomad. “I'll take care of everything. It is only money after all, that and little extra work.”
“Are you sure, bud?” asked Cherry.
“Well, you know what they say,” replied Nomad, “hard work is its own reward.”
“Well hell, ” said Galaxy-Man, “we got a fence that needs painting, the house needs a new roof, the gutters don't work; come by sometime and we'll put your ass to work.”
The man just softly laughed and smiled. Nomad simply had a warm glow about him. He was a very pleasant man.
“So what are you working on there?” asked Cherry.
“Oh, I was installing a dimmer switch.” he said.
“So you close the whole restaurant?” asked Galaxy-Man “Couldn't you just do it really fast while everyone ate? I'm sure people wouldn't mind eating in the dark for a few minutes.”
“I could do it fast,” replied Nomad, “or I could do it right.”
“Ooh, burn,” said Cherry. “He got you there, Dad.”
Nomad checked his watch. “You know, people don't usually show up at 4:20 am,” he said. “I figured this'd be the best time.”
"I can think of a few people who'd be hungry at 4:20," quipped Galaxy-Man.
“Why a dimmer switch?” asked Cutty, Stevie was literally asleep in her arms now. “Just curious.”
“Well,” replied Nomad, “I believe one of the big appeals of eating at a restaurant is atmosphere. Have you ever eaten at a fancy restaurant? I've a theory as to what makes a restaurant fancy, more so than anything else – warm lighting.”
Cherry raised her eyebrow. “Warm lighting?” she asked.
“That's actually really clever,” said Cutty. “Every nice restaurant I've been to had warm, dim lighting. I guess I never noticed.”
“Oh it's just something I happened to notice one day,” said Nomad. “I figured I'd install the dimmer switch so I can zero in on the perfect level of fanciness. But I guess you're all hungry though so I'll shut up.” Nomad walked behind a counter and turned on his till. “What'll it be?” he asked.
“Let's do a 3 ft monster club Hoagie, hold the peanut butter.”
Nomad laughed at the idea of peanut butter. “I generally don't put peanut butter on my hoagies. Would you like extra hot fudge on that?”
Cherry and Cutty laughed.
“No thanks, dawg,” said Galaxy-Man. “I'm trying to watch for girlish figure.”
Nomad rang up the order. “Dog,” he reflected. “You know, I remember back when dog was considered an insult. Alrighty, that comes to 15 profit and 21 cents.”
Galaxy-Man gave him the card.
“Okay, fellas,” said Nomad, “make yourselves at home and I'll be right back with your sandwich in a few minutes. Luckily all of my equipment here is mechanical.”
“Oh, I've been meaning to ask you something, Nomad,” said Galaxy-Man.
Nomad stopped and turned around. “Oh, what's that?”
“How old are you?”
Nomad just smiled and laughed. “29,” he said jokingly as he walked into the kitchen.
“Yeah, you've been 29 for like 30 years, man,” laughed Galaxy-Man.
The gang then sat down at table. Cutty turned her phone on so they could see.
“Hey Cutty,” said Cherry.
“Hey Cherry,” she replied.
“Why are you black?” she asked.
Cutty laughed and Galaxy-Man snickered a little.
“I got too much sun,” she answered jokingly. “I'm actually white and this is just a monster tan.”
Stevie leapt up from Cutty's arms, walked across the table over to Galaxy-Man and hopped on his shoulders.“'Sup, Stee-Dizzle??” he asked Stevie.
“Ooh, let's play 20 questions,” suggested Cherry.
“Bring in on,” said Galaxy-Man, already wearing his game face.
“Sure,” said Cutty, “I like 20 questions.”
“Okay,” said Cherry, “I've got it in my head. Now you guys guess what it is.”
“Hmm,” pondered Galaxy-Man.
“Who's going first?” asked Cutty.
“Er, you go first,” replied Galaxy-Man.
“Let's see... Is it bigger than a breadbox?” asked Cutty.
“N-no,” said Cherry who seemed a bit surprised at the question.
“Is it a breadbox?” asked Galaxy-Man immediately.
Cherry blushed a bit. “Goddamn it,” she said.
“Wait, was that it?” asked Cutty.
“Yeah,” she replied bitterly.
“I am the grand champion!!” gloated Galaxy-Man, Stevie asleep on his shoulders. He stood up and thrusted his pelvis vigorously. “In your face, loser!!”
Cherry rolled her eyes. “Whatever, man,” she said.
“Okay, I wanna go now,” said Galaxy-Man.
“No, Dad, because you always think of something totally obscure and no one ever gets it.”
“I do not,” Galaxy-Man insisted.
“Like anyone is gonna think of the British Overseas Territory of Gibraltar,” bickered Cherry.
“What, lots of people have been to Gibraltar,” said Galaxy-Man.
“Been there!? No one's even freaking heard of Gibraltar!!”
Cherry got up and shook her head. “Whatever, man,” she said, “I'm gonna go find some place to pee.” She started walk towards the bathrooms. Cherry always stormed off into to the bathroom to end arguments, though, she didn't like strange bathrooms. When you gotta go you gotta go.
“Well I can pee standing up,” shouted Galaxy-Man as Cherry walked away, “so there!”
Cutty shook her head and started laughing, her hands over her mouth. "Oh my God," she said, rolling her eyes. They weren't actually mad of course. It was all in good fun.
After a few minutes, Nomad came back from the kitchen wheeling the sandwich on a special cart. Galaxy-Man and Cutty could clearly hear him speak, but Nomad needlessly spoke into the intercom. “We've got an extra supremo 3-footer monster club hoagie hold the peanut butter for a Mr. Galaxy-Man,” he said.
Galaxy-Man got up, Stevie still on his back. “Please, Mr. Galaxy-Man was my father,” he said jokingly.
“I could've sworn there were four of you just a moment ago.”
“Yeah,” said Galaxy-Man, “you just missed it. Big ol' gorilla came in and ate her up.”
Cutty laughed. “She's in the restroom, sir,” she said kindly.
“She had some business to take care of,” said Galaxy-Man “and then she had to take a pee.”
“It's awfully dark in there,” said Nomad. “I am glad that she's a girl, though. You know, when I was younger I lived in a house where the power would go out every other day. There were four girls and seven guys in the house, and the guys would always go in the bathroom and these knuckleheads would stand up to go. It was pitch black in there unless we happen to have a candle that day, so you can probably imagine about how that went.”
“Eww,” said Cutty.
“Yeah, people often don't question the way they do things. People don't ask enough questions these days.”
Galaxy-Man raised his hand like he was in grade school or something. “Why?” he asked.
Nomad just laughed and smiled. Cherry came out of the bathroom looking very relieved.
“Hey, Cher,” said Galaxy-Man, “Nomad says thank you for sitting down when you pee.”
“Um, you're welcome?” said Cherry, unsure. “It'd be kinda hard not to. I guess I could use the urinal if I hiked my leg up really high or something.”
Cutty noticed something in Cherry's hand. “What's that in your hand?"
“Oh, I found this weird glove in the toilet.” It was a golden glove with a D-pad and buttons on the side. Oddly, it had seven USB ports on it.
“Inside the toilet?” asked Galaxy-Man. “That's gross, Cherry.”
“I mean, it wasn't like, inside the toilet or anything,” she retorted.
“Then what?” asked Cutty.
Cherry looked flustered. “It was a really cool glove okay!” she yelled.
“I'll be darned,” said Nomad. “That is an NES Power Glove. I've never seen a golden one before.
“Why would something like that be in the toilet?” asked Cutty.
“Dunno,” said Nomad. “You'd be surprised, though, all the things you can find in toilets. I've found guns, bottles, clothes; I even once found a working lava lamp.”
“Ooh, do you still have it?” asked Cherry.
“Yes actually,” replied Nomad, “and some people might find that to be gross, but did you know that on average even a computer mouse has more germs than a toilet? In the grand scheme of things, toilets are actually fairly clean.”
“Wow, I didn't know that,” said Cutty.
“Is it okay if I keep the glove?” asked Cherry.
“Sure,” replied Nomad, “I don't see why not. I could be wrong, but I'd say it looks pretty important. I'm sure it'll come in handy,” he winked.
“Ha!” said Galaxy-Man. “I get it.”
“Thank you,” said Cherry very warmly.
“Well,” said Nomad, “I don't wanna keep you folks any longer. I hope you enjoy your sandwich.”
Galaxy-Man reached into his pocket and pulled out a fist bump. “Respec'” he said.
Nomad smiled and happily gave him a tater, that is to say he bumped his fist.
Galaxy-Man, Cherry and Cutty all worked together to carry the great sandwich to the ship while Stevie did nothing at all. What a lazyhead.
“This sandwich is really heavy,” groaned Cherry. “When you die, in like twenty years, I'm not being your pallbearer.”
“Twenty years?” asked Galaxy-Man, Stevie still on his shoulders, “I'm not that old, man. I'm not gonna be dead.”
“You keep eating all these 3 ft hoagies and you will be.”
On the ship they sat the sandwich down on a table and let out a collective sigh of relief.
“That was an ordeal,” said Cutty.
“You're tellin' me, sister,” said Cherry. “Let's eat, shall we?”
“Absolutely not,” said Galaxy-Man sternly.
“Say whaaaat!?” asked Cherry in disbelief.
“This sandwich is for my best friend,” said Galaxy-Man.
“Jack Daniels?” laughed Cherry.
“No, not Jack Daniels! It's for Hamilton.”
“Aw, that's sweet,” said Cherry.
“Yeah, that's really nice of you to do that for your friend,” said Cutty.
Galaxy-Man liked hoagies a great deal, but he liked his friend Hamilton even more. It didn't always seem that way. Galaxy-Man constantly picked on Hamilton, stole from him, lied to him, but Hamilton was family, and he took good care of him in his own special way. He did horrible things to Hamilton, but he always made up for it in the end. He always knew just how to make him smile. This time he'd bought him the greatest hoagie in the galaxy. Lying and stealing are very bad things to do, but keep in mind, this was a really, really good hoagie. It was perfection, and for someone like Galaxy-Man, someone who at times risked the lives of himself and those around him all for a sandwich, not to eat such a perfect sub himself is saying a lot.
The gang returned to the Breadbasket and walked over to Hamilton's house. Everyone stood at the door holding the sandwich.
“Okay, guys,” whispered Galaxy-Man, “like we rehearsed.” With one hand on the hoagie, Galaxy-Man rang Hamilton's doorbell. “Trick or treat!” he yelled. “Open up!”
Hamilton slowly opened the door.
“SURPRISE!!!” they all screamed at the top of their lungs. It was way louder than it needed to be, but that was the gag.
Hamilton was frightened and jumped back a bit, tripping over a pile of used toilet plungers Galaxy-Man had scattered throughout his house. He was breathing heavily but started smiling. “You guys,” he panted.
“We got you a gift!” said Cherry.
“Please come in,” said Hamilton politely.
“I'm